bentleychic Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) I've seen many OW/OM post on here previously asking about a d-day, even seriously considering instigating one themselves. I know in the past, I've wondered in detail how it would go, if that day came for us. It did not go at all as I expected it to. I am really not willing to share much here since it is so public, but I will say that it is not great, wonderful or even GOOD. It doesn't make anyone happy, not the BS, not the WS, not the OW/OM. It turns everyone's world upside down. If you are an OW/OM and you are considering telling the BS, with the hope/intent of remaining with your MM/MW, I would highly suggest you do NOT do it. I can not even imagine if I had been the one that had caused the d-day. With all of that said, as noted previously, I'm not willing to share in too much detail so please don't be offended if questions are asked and I do not reply. Edited July 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Affairs rarely turn out as happy things for any of the people impacted...OW/OM, BS, or WS. D-day is never a happy day for any of them. The affair thrives on secrecy...the strain of d-day on it can be massive. And of course no one is ever happy to find out their spouse has been cheating, either. My one recommendation would be that no one confuse telling the BS with being the real source of pain/emotional devestation/trauma. This has been pending since the moment the affair began...it happens in nearly every affair...so it wasn't the telling that was the source of pain...it was the affair and the deception it required that created the pain and chaos. Regardless....I hope things work out the best they can for everyone involved in your situation, OP. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Affairs bring no happiness to anyone- let alone them being revealed. My D-Day involved her finding messeges, MM owning up to everything and telling her was going to leave once he found somewhere to live... 2/3 weeks later he left... and nearly 2 years later, he is divorced and we are happy. Are you ok? will you carry on seeing MM? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Was it an accidental discovery then? I know you'd roughly had some sort of timeline to be together...is he still planning to leave? You sound pretty decent, so hoping that's an indication that you haven't been left broken-hearted and devastated by the fallout and/or his change of heart. Wishing you all the best in these tumultuous coming hours and days... Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 The one good thing about a d-day is that now, whatever happens, it will be in the open, hopefully. I know how rough it is. I know that it takes it's toll. I know it feels like everyone's world is ending. If you, like us, were preparing for a certain time to reveal and it's happened before you are ready, that is very, very stressful. But, good things can come for everyone. Honesty, ability to move forward in whichever direction is decided. The difficult part for we OW is that we do not have any say in what happens after the D-day occurs. We are left to sit on our hands and wait it out. It's difficult, especially if our relationship with our MM is love and not just a passing thing. I wish you peace, and a sincere hope that things go the way you would like. Much love to you Bentley. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Not sure where you got the idea dday was anything but trauma and drama Reality and the gravity of the betrayal is beyond imagination unless you have experienced it first hand- That being said- I am also wondering if you are continuing as planned and that is to be together or if he went back to his wife or if you guys are just going to cool it until the drama subsides- The best advice I can give is: 1. if he is staying, go NC now and stick to it 2. if he is leaving be prepared for lots of back and forth for him with his spouse- I would imagine the details of separation are pretty messy and full of emotion for all and most of all- take care of you- if he is suggesting a "false reconciliation" with his wife to ease her down slowly- run the other direction- once the cards are on the table there is no reason for him to continue to lie to her and if he does thats a sure sign he will probably not treat you well either when the going gets tough- Take care- Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 Oh, don't get me wrong. I never thought d-day would be a good thing. I have seen people post here thinking it would be. Instead, it's blown up three worlds. At least MM and I had some forewarning. We've known. She didn't have a clue. Yes, it was a total accidental discovery. She put two and two together. Hard to dispute hours of phone calls per day for months (years, actually). I'm just surprised she didn't do it sooner since she's in control of the phone bills, etc. We're still together at this time. I do not know what the future holds for any of us. I wish I did. He never stopped caring for her in their own way so I'm totally prepared to end up alone when all is said and done, despite everything that was said and done by him up until now. I have known from day 1 that he wanted to do this as painlessly as possible for her and not to have her hurt. (I know, I know. I don't need to hear how stupid this is considering what we've done.) To whomever said I seem to be holding up well, absolutely not. I'm a huge mess. I'm a control freak so it's hard for me to have absolutely no control of this situation at all (well, other than walking away, of course. Which I've seriously considered off and on in the days since discovery. I waffle between telling him he can move in with me to telling him that if he wants me to, I'm willing to contact her, take full responsibility and walk out of their lives if he thinks it would make it any better for her. Which is silly, I know because it's not like it would erase anything, but still...) Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I've seen many OW/OM post on here previously asking about a d-day, even seriously considering instigating one themselves. I know in the past, I've wondered in detail how it would go, if that day came for us. It did not go at all as I expected it to. I am really not willing to share much here since it is so public, but I will say that it is not great, wonderful or even GOOD. It doesn't make anyone happy, not the BS, not the WS, not the OW/OM. It turns everyone's world upside down. Heavens - I don't mean this as a "negative" poke at you, but what were you expecting it to be? Did anyone actually suggest that it might be great, wonderful, or even good? That it would be anything but devastating and horrible and turning everyone's world upside down? Edit: Sorry, I see you sorta answered in the post above... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) Heavens - I don't mean this as a "negative" poke at you, but what were you expecting it to be? Did anyone actually suggest that it might be great, wonderful, or even good? That it would be anything but devastating and horrible and turning everyone's world upside down? Edit: Sorry, I see you sorta answered in the post above... Yes because I am an idiot. I thought we'd all have a party and celebrate. Wtf? How about READ the actual post. I posted this b/c I have seen so many OW over the months suggest d-day would be a great thing. Like they'd end up in happy kitty rainbow unicorn land with their MM the moment the W found out. It doesn't work like that. Ever. Even if they end up with you, there's going to be so much stress and $#*! for them to deal with, grieve, get through, etc. And if you tell the BS on your own, don't expect your MM to even pretend he still wants to be with you when you blow their world up. As much as MM is dealing with now, I cannot imagine having been the one that voluntarily started the dominoes falling. Edited July 9, 2014 by bentleychic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 How long has it been since D-day? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 How long has it been since D-day? About a week. Still REALLY early in to it. Still a lot to work through. Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Oh, don't get me wrong. I never thought d-day would be a good thing. I have seen people post here thinking it would be. Instead, it's blown up three worlds. At least MM and I had some forewarning. We've known. She didn't have a clue. Yes, it was a total accidental discovery. She put two and two together. Hard to dispute hours of phone calls per day for months (years, actually). I'm just surprised she didn't do it sooner since she's in control of the phone bills, etc. We're still together at this time. I do not know what the future holds for any of us. I wish I did. He never stopped caring for her in their own way so I'm totally prepared to end up alone when all is said and done, despite everything that was said and done by him up until now. I have known from day 1 that he wanted to do this as painlessly as possible for her and not to have her hurt. (I know, I know. I don't need to hear how stupid this is considering what we've done.) To whomever said I seem to be holding up well, absolutely not. I'm a huge mess. I'm a control freak so it's hard for me to have absolutely no control of this situation at all (well, other than walking away, of course. Which I've seriously considered off and on in the days since discovery. I waffle between telling him he can move in with me to telling him that if he wants me to, I'm willing to contact her, take full responsibility and walk out of their lives if he thinks it would make it any better for her. Which is silly, I know because it's not like it would erase anything, but still...) Yea, if you are a control freak then yes, this situation is the antithesis of control. Also, you are right, nothing gets erased, but that is the point i suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Man that is so new. It is a really hard time. The only thing I can tell you that helped me was to stay close to my guy and stay out of the rest. Let him vent but don't offer advice. Now is the time he'll have to choose (if you're not willing to go underground). Hang on to your hat, it's a rough ride. And take care of yourself. I know it's impossible, but try. Concentrate on ANYTHING else. Chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Sorry, the questions in my post were obviously slanted, and I'm sorry that set you off. I did actually read your post, and your subsequent ones, and I'm still a little confused, as I can't figure out whether you expected d-day to be a good thing. Yes because I am an idiot. I thought we'd all have a party and celebrate. Wtf? How about READ the actual post. Through the sarcasm, it's clear that you didn't expect D-day to be a good thing (you'd have to be an idiot, right?) But then, in the same post: ...I have seen so many OW over the months suggest d-day would be a great thing. Like they'd end up in happy kitty rainbow unicorn land with their MM the moment the W found out. So you seem to be saying that others expected D-day to be a good thing, but... Oh, don't get me wrong. I never thought d-day would be a good thing. but It did not go at all as I expected it to. So I'm sorry I asked the questions in a leading way, and I'm sorry I'm confused, but I am actually trying to understand (and I'll try to be as neutral as possible here): what did you expect D-day to be like? You've talked about what everybody else has said it would be like, and you've said you didn't expect it to be good, but then also that it didn't go as you expected, so I'm not sure where you stand. And if you find my question bothersome, I will completely understand if you ignore it. Truly just trying to understand. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Sorry, the questions in my post were obviously slanted, and I'm sorry that set you off. I did actually read your post, and your subsequent ones, and I'm still a little confused, as I can't figure out whether you expected d-day to be a good thing. Through the sarcasm, it's clear that you didn't expect D-day to be a good thing (you'd have to be an idiot, right?) But then, in the same post: So you seem to be saying that others expected D-day to be a good thing, but... but So I'm sorry I asked the questions in a leading way, and I'm sorry I'm confused, but I am actually trying to understand (and I'll try to be as neutral as possible here): what did you expect D-day to be like? You've talked about what everybody else has said it would be like, and you've said you didn't expect it to be good, but then also that it didn't go as you expected, so I'm not sure where you stand. And if you find my question bothersome, I will completely understand if you ignore it. Truly just trying to understand. Yes. Reads to me like the OP was hoping to be the exception to the rule. Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I understand the post and where she is coming from. It must be very hard to come on here and post about a DD happening and the MM wanting to be with the OW but at the same time knowing that for many others on the OW/OM they do not get this result. And knowing that BS will also read this board. DD happened rather than it being initiated. So whilst OP has the result she hoped for at the same time it is bittersweet as BS no doubt in a lot of pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 I expected it to go badly. Very badly. I honestly fully expected my MM to be like all of the other MM. Drop out of contact, cut me off, etc., etc. I did NOT expect him to stay in contact with me throughout. I expected him to cut me off from all aspects as I've heard most MM do after d-day. (Didn't happen on any aspect.) I did not expect him to be such a confused mess. (I don't know why, though b/c it does make sense.) I did not expect MYSELF to be such a confused mess nor willing to throw myself under the bus for him if it would make him happy and fix the life that he's used to. I expected him to throw me under the bus. Did not happen. I expected her to contact me. I didn't expect him to not allow her to contact me. (She wanted to.) There's more, but I'll be honest, my entire head is pretty jumbled right now and back and forth constantly. It's not my marriage, not my life that it's affecting (aside from my relationship with him), but I'm still incredibly confused and jumble headed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) Yes. Reads to me like the OP was hoping to be the exception to the rule. More like I'm rambling. LOL I did not at all expect to be the exception to the rule. Quite the opposite. I really posted this more as a warning. Do not sugar coat in your head what you think a d-day would do for your relationship with your MM. Don't instigate it thinking that it will bring you closer to your MM. It will doubtfully go the way that you want it to. I remember when I first joined some of these types of boards, seeing some OW asking how BS's found out about the A. Almost like they were hoping they could find a way to create a d-day, rather than how to avoid one. Mine surprised me in positive ways compared to what I expected, but it's not by any means perfect (far from it) and I have no idea how it will end up. Even though it surprised me in some positive ways, it still absolutely sucks @$$ for all involved. Edited July 9, 2014 by bentleychic Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Try to keep yourself busy and not waiting to hear updates on what is going on, what is being said. If you two are meant to be together it'll happen as it should and not because now she's kicked him out and you're willing to have him move in with you. (I think that would be a huge mistake for obvious reasons - He needs to go to a family member or a friends place) . You're right, there's nothing you can do, it's out of your control so whatever you do, don't reach out and interfere in their marriage. Whatever is gonna happen will happen... Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Try to keep yourself busy and not waiting to hear updates on what is going on, what is being said. If you two are meant to be together it'll happen as it should and not because now she's kicked him out and you're willing to have him move in with you. (I think that would be a huge mistake for obvious reasons - He needs to go to a family member or a friends place) . You're right, there's nothing you can do, it's out of your control so whatever you do, don't reach out and interfere in their marriage. Whatever is gonna happen will happen... While I agree he needs to be the one to make a choice, I don't think you need to not be there for him. I think that one of the best things I did for my guy was be there when his ex was unstable and losing her mind. I wasn't going to just drop him, and I would have been really hurt if he'd thrown me under the bus as well. I think that he should deal with the situation and all involved. Of course, if he should decide to stay, then that is the time to step back, but for now, be there for him if you want him in your life and he wants you in his as well. JMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Please be patient and careful, who knows what kind of retaliation or treatment you will be exposed to later due to this. Keep it cool for a while, just let him know what you want, and wait for him to settle his marriage. It's now the time to start turning your R into an honest and righteous one. As horrible as it could be, at least this Dday open the chance for him to be honest (at last) to his wife. A real chance to stop deceiving her any longer, if you really care about not deceiving other. Choose the right way, even if it is bitter. Take a step back, focus on yourself more for the this time being. Of course it would also be sensible to evaluate his character and conduct through out this time, so you could know him better. Be calm and optimist that eventually both of you can be together. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 While I agree he needs to be the one to make a choice, I don't think you need to not be there for him. I think that one of the best things I did for my guy was be there when his ex was unstable and losing her mind. I wasn't going to just drop him, and I would have been really hurt if he'd thrown me under the bus as well. I think that he should deal with the situation and all involved. Of course, if he should decide to stay, then that is the time to step back, but for now, be there for him if you want him in your life and he wants you in his as well. JMO. I'm not saying she should disappear and not support him but him moving in right away is a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 I agree. I definitely think one thing that would be a good idea for any transition is to take time to date, begin the relationship anew, if that is what they decide. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) I've seen many OW/OM post on here previously asking about a d-day, even seriously considering instigating one themselves. I know in the past, I've wondered in detail how it would go, if that day came for us. It did not go at all as I expected it to. I am really not willing to share much here since it is so public, but I will say that it is not great, wonderful or even GOOD. It doesn't make anyone happy, not the BS, not the WS, not the OW/OM. It turns everyone's world upside down. If you are an OW/OM and you are considering telling the BS, with the hope/intent of remaining with your MM/MW, I would highly suggest you do NOT do it. I can not even imagine if I had been the one that had caused the d-day. With all of that said, as noted previously, I'm not willing to share in too much detail so please don't be offended if questions are asked and I do not reply. I always thought that DDAY was a dreaded and often chaotic time for most people versus something good, pleasant or hoped for. You'll get through it though! It seems flippant, but reading here, you at least know you're not the first or the last OW who's had to face it and many lived to tell the tale, whether they ended up with the MM in the end or not. So although it is crazy, confusing and chaotic...take it day by day and definitely reach out for support. Bentley, I know some of your story but forget if you have any real life support in terms of friends or family who know, do you? And I definitely agree that causing a dday because you want to force the MP's hand is probably not a good idea and most likely won't have the desired outcome at all. I never experienced a dday personally, but I think if one is dissatisfied with the A as an A and wants an open relationship then dday should be the fork in the road. The multiple ddays, going underground and continuing the A under more secrecy and just upping the lies and deceit is a waste of time IMO and while dday is certainly not a pleasant thing, it does force things to come out in the open and allows for BS, MM/MW and OW/OM to make some choices, i.e. stick to the status quo or turn a blind eye (on all three people's parts) or change things and do things differently for the better. Edited July 10, 2014 by MissBee 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bentleychic Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 MissBee, I have a few friends that know and are being a big help to me as well as a wonderful online support system. Thank you for asking. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts