How do you cope? [update]

[IMsodumb]

3 years!!! That's what it has been! 3 of the most amazing, yet gut wrenching years. I was told that if "the roller coaster wasn't worth the hurt, we did something wrong". We did plenty wrong. It was worth the ride but along the way, I fell in love. So did he (or so he says). Now, he's leaving. Moving to a completely different city, half a world away and I am dying inside and trying not to show it.

 

There are so many ups, then come the downs. Like tonight for instance. We spent a couple of hours together today. It was wonderful. We always get along so well. My dear friend texts me to inform me that he put a wonderful message up on his FB for his wife on their anniversary. Welcome to "down roller coaster". He asked me my opinion on divorce a year ago. It's all so confusing.

 

In a way, I'm glad he's leaving. It forces our hand and makes it difficult to continue. We had almost a year of no contact. I was doing great. Now, I'm back to square one.

 

The heart wants what the heart wants but at the end of the day, nobody wins in a situation like this.

[Hope Shimmers]

at the end of the day, nobody wins in a situation like this.

 

Except the MM who got to keep both his W and his OW until he decided he was ready to leave one of them.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. It's not a fun place to be.

 

Those Facebook 'Happy Anniversary' messages are just crap. What an insult to the W and how hurtful to the OW.

[IMsodumb]

No kidding.

 

Thanks for the kind words. I spoke to him this morning. Told him about the friend creeping his profile. I asked her to stop as it hurts me and would rather not know. Apparently his W "made him" put something up for their anniversary. Regardless, I have no right to feel hurt, she's his wife but I just can't seem to shake the blue feeling today. Told him it's none of my business and it was a sweet message. No reply.

 

Sigh. Whatever.

[Sub]

Apparently his W "made him" put something up for their anniversary.

 

Wow. And he insults your intelligence on the way out. I'm sure you can do better.

[IMsodumb]

I have been put on the back burner "again".

 

He leaves, moves away in less than a month. He has been pouring it on THICK, wanting me to visit him, he will always love me, will always be in contact with me blah blah blah......talked to him briefly yesterday and he seemed distant. Nothing today. No usual morning hello, nothing.

 

I hate this. I told him I understood if he needed to be with his family to get things squared away and I would have said my goodbyes awhile ago yet he insisted he wanted to spend time with me and it would never be goodbye.

 

I wish he would have just left me alone in the first place.

 

How does everyone cope? How do you find the strength to not contact them? I want to be strong and just forget it all. How can I be so angry he is doing this yet still have feelings? Accckkkkk......doing all of this was not worth the hurt.

[sisa]

when I feel sad, feel alone, angry about him not choose me, feel depress or feel bad about myself behavior, or others negative emotional. I always tell myself that god is watching me, and he already prepared a right one for me, but he will only arrange us to meet when I heal and prepared.

[randomwoman]

Something will happen and it will click for you.

For me, something happened one day that just hit me and I went NC for over 8 months. It's like I just saw the light and just stopped caring for all those months.

 

Of course...NC was broken recently. I'm starting to think that this crap doesn't end. Ever.

[MayP]

typical advice I read and been doing includes:

 

gym, joining a dance class, hang out more with friends (date them), get busy with work (this is tough< I am rather busy with work but I couldn't concentrate in giving my all).

 

thinking about how much He doesn't care, how disappointed I am, the rollercoaster feelings I get. No one person on the right mind who really care will leave you to be contacted at his convenience, stop making excuses for him. When he comes back with a Sorry (bla bla bla- heard it many times), insult him!

[Sasha1/2]

I replace one addiction with another. I workout, bake, go dancing with girlfriends or work on a hobby.

[MayP]

I plug in to music everyday. Hopefully less sappy ones, more 'getting stronger' type.

 

I used to bake often. I couldn't find the energy anymore. sometimes I just want to go to bed early, lie there still and making myself sleep.

[Ailsa1983]

You have to let go of hope that is what keeps us in heartbreak mode for a long time, once you have accepted and there's no hope of the relationship rekindling then you at on your way to healing.

[MayP]

You have to let go of hope that is what keeps us in heartbreak mode for a long time, once you have accepted and there's no hope of the relationship rekindling then you at on your way to healing.

 

I know what this is...

we might just see each other again, travelling for work (hope).

[Ailsa1983]

I know what this is...

we might just see each other again, travelling for work (hope).

 

Yes! Or he might just text or call so I will continuously check my phone ... Hope. Eradicate hope and you will heal faster.

[MayP]

Yes! Or he might just text or call so I will continuously check my phone ... Hope. Eradicate hope and you will heal faster.

 

Are you spying on me? We don't text/ call, because he did not give me his new number in another country *crappy isn't it?*

But we email and sometimes I would think there is something wrong with the email! NO emails!

 

I have been checking less, thinking less. I THINK.

[OWAmy]

I cope by filling my day with small chores and looking after my gorgeous baby boy. It would be easy for me to sit and be miserable as I'm self employed and only work two days a week.

 

I do think about him, but more in terms of what he's doing now ie getting on with his life rather than in a romantic light. That helps.

 

I had to go completely no contact. I couldn't have said Get in touch if you find yourself divorced in the future as I wouldn't be able to move on and meet someone else. It would be there in the back of my head for decades that he might come back.

 

I remember there is only one of him and its nothing personal that I can't have him. There are billions of people in the world and they can't have him either!

[MayP]

OWAmy, I tell myself... he is simply just another man. another man in another country and I couldn't help but notice your location is the same as his *ouch*

[blue963]

Maybe push it from you side. Instead of you coming to see him tell him if he wants to see you, he is the one that has to travel. See what the response is. May help you to change the situation

[OWAmy]

OWAmy, I tell myself... he is simply just another man. another man in another country and I couldn't help but notice your location is the same as his *ouch*

 

And a married one at that!

 

Sometimes when one of my friends moves away I feel even sadder because I feel as though I am being left behind whilst they move on with their life.

 

Are you strictly no contact with him? I like the freedom of not having him call, email. It took up too much of my time.

[MayP]

And a married one at that!

 

Sometimes when one of my friends moves away I feel even sadder because I feel as though I am being left behind whilst they move on with their life.

 

Are you strictly no contact with him? I like the freedom of not having him call, email. It took up too much of my time.

 

I broke NC myself after 8 days, last Friday. He emailed me yesterday, explaining for the recent LC and will be going missing for some time as there are issues at home. Problems between him & his wife- I am not the reason. And what must I say? He said it is for his kid. Hey there is a thread that discusses 'is it really the kids?'... or maybe it is monetary issues on divorce that scare. Anyways I have kids of my own. At the end of the day, love will never be sufficient. There are ties that bind, family, money, logistics issues. I never thought I will measure up (and if he, will measure up) when the real deal comes. So in a way, I am relieved he will be gone for some time. No need to watch my email box for him and I can have time to settle the emotions within myself (less heart more brain). Wish me luck! I may come in LS one day and sob, but today I feel fine.

[sisa]

is there any way can heal faster? I've implemented the NC for 7 weeks now and still feel painful. and I read some of the thread that some OWs still feel pain after NC for months or years. or everything will become better if one day I have new boyfriend.

 

now I just lie myself that MM is pass away and I need to move on, but I know he is alive and have a life with his wife.

[IMsodumb]

Time I suppose is the only healer.

 

I broke NC today. Stupid, stupid!!!! Of course I get a response back right away making me feel as if I have blown the silence out of proportion and it was all in my head as he had "important stuff" going on. My priority on his "scale of priorities" this week had dipped substantially I suppose. I don't care who you are, in MY world, I respond and make time for people who take the time to make time for me.

 

As I sit here and think about it. I now wonder if leaving town will give him another opportunity to replace, not only his wife, but me now as well. I served my purpose, on to the next OW!!

 

I'm at the anger phase now......to be honest, being angry feels MUCH better than feeling sad for a loss that isn't worth being sad about. I refuse to let someone have that much power over my happiness.

 

Good riddance!!

[OWAmy]

I broke NC myself after 8 days, last Friday. He emailed me yesterday, explaining for the recent LC and will be going missing for some time as there are issues at home. Problems between him & his wife- I am not the reason. And what must I say? He said it is for his kid. Hey there is a thread that discusses 'is it really the kids?'... or maybe it is monetary issues on divorce that scare. Anyways I have kids of my own. At the end of the day, love will never be sufficient. There are ties that bind, family, money, logistics issues. I never thought I will measure up (and if he, will measure up) when the real deal comes. So in a way, I am relieved he will be gone for some time. No need to watch my email box for him and I can have time to settle the emotions within myself (less heart more brain). Wish me luck! I may come in LS one day and sob, but today I feel fine.

 

But you will still watch your inbox...just in case 8-(

 

Why don't you go 'no contact' properly? Now seems like the perfect opportunity for you to send that final mail and then block him for good.

 

I feel for you, I really do. The hard part is sending the email and a few days that follow. I am on nearly Day 23 no contact and my feelings towards him are fading fast.

[OWAmy]

is there any way can heal faster? I've implemented the NC for 7 weeks now and still feel painful. and I read some of the thread that some OWs still feel pain after NC for months or years. or everything will become better if one day I have new boyfriend.

 

now I just lie myself that MM is pass away and I need to move on, but I know he is alive and have a life with his wife.

 

I feel I am healing fast, but that is because I got it into my head 6 months ago that me and him had to end so I gradually let go.

 

7 weeks no contact is really good, you are doing well. I think of this time as healing and time to reflect. I look back and think why did I get myself involved in the affair? What was happening in my life at the time the affair began? What has the affair taught me about myself? I don't really think about him. I have some pictures of him on my iPad. I look at them (only because I am trying to figure out how to delete them off there!) and my feelings have changed towards him. I don't know that person in the picture. I only knew him as one dimensional...like a cardboard cut out.

 

I think you truly move on when you meet someone who you feel is better than the MM.

[OWAmy]

Time I suppose is the only healer.

 

I broke NC today. Stupid, stupid!!!! Of course I get a response back right away making me feel as if I have blown the silence out of proportion and it was all in my head as he had "important stuff" going on. My priority on his "scale of priorities" this week had dipped substantially I suppose. I don't care who you are, in MY world, I respond and make time for people who take the time to make time for me.

 

As I sit here and think about it. I now wonder if leaving town will give him another opportunity to replace, not only his wife, but me now as well. I served my purpose, on to the next OW!!

 

I'm at the anger phase now......to be honest, being angry feels MUCH better than feeling sad for a loss that isn't worth being sad about. I refuse to let someone have that much power over my happiness.

 

Good riddance!!

 

Can you really be in 'no contact' and him not know you are?

 

I don't necessarily think just because they have had an OW they will seek out another one unless they are the philandering type. It's doesn't really matter if he gets another, does it? How pathetic if he did. Shows he is trapped in an unhealthy cycle. Would you get another MM now that he is out of town? I wouldn't. No way! I have learnt my lesson.

 

I felt anger last week but it quickly passed. I'm on to the note caring and doing things for myself phase. No sitting around feeling sad, no urge to contact him. My 'no contact' email came out of the blue. If he chooses the end of the affair as a learning curve to improve his marriage and not cheat again then good for him. My MM I feel was going through a midlife crisis when he met me. I was going through my own crisis. I can actually think quite fondly of him because he taught me a lot about being comfortable with myself.

[MayP]

But you will still watch your inbox...just in case 8-(

 

Why don't you go 'no contact' properly? Now seems like the perfect opportunity for you to send that final mail and then block him for good.

 

I feel for you, I really do. The hard part is sending the email and a few days that follow. I am on nearly Day 23 no contact and my feelings towards him are fading fast.

 

My dear OWAmy... thank you for chatting. You hit on the nail. Yes, I will still watch my inbox, but I don't have that longing/ hope anymore (less romantic feelings more concern for a friend). I don't want to be the one to run away when he is in some crisis and needs someone to talk to.

 

Tell me more about your situation? You are with a child, married too?