GypsyHeart83 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I've been in a very passionate A with a MM for about a year and a half. Like many stories here, there's been some incredibly highs.. and some terrible lows. A week ago, we were still doing really well, messaging every day, saying "I love you" to one another. He stopped wearing his ring, which he never used to take off.. so I figured the "end" was near. (His marriage was struggling even before we met) He's an entertainer, so he travels a lot.. and last weekend he flew home after being on the road for a while. He has two young children, 8 and 10, and out of the blue, he told me he had to end it to "try and make it work with his W". That he owed it to his kids to at least try.. and that our messaging every day was "keeping me from moving on, and stopping him from trying". I'm confused, since I did not pressure him to leave his W (at this time) knowing the situation. Now, I'm left feeling disposable, and confused over the sudden change. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and have some insight as to what brought on such an abrupt ending?? Link to post Share on other sites
wind willow Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 His wife is probably onto him. Maybe she saw an email or text or something that was suspicious but not definite proof he's cheating. So he's cutting you off until her suspicion dies down. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Please read you opening post again and again and again and again! Your answer is there. No need to think it to death! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I've been in a very passionate A with a MM for about a year and a half. Like many stories here, there's been some incredibly highs.. and some terrible lows. A week ago, we were still doing really well, messaging every day, saying "I love you" to one another. He stopped wearing his ring, which he never used to take off.. so I figured the "end" was near. (His marriage was struggling even before we met) He's an entertainer, so he travels a lot.. and last weekend he flew home after being on the road for a while. He has two young children, 8 and 10, and out of the blue, he told me he had to end it to "try and make it work with his W". That he owed it to his kids to at least try.. and that our messaging every day was "keeping me from moving on, and stopping him from trying". I'm confused, since I did not pressure him to leave his W (at this time) knowing the situation. Now, I'm left feeling disposable, and confused over the sudden change. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and have some insight as to what brought on such an abrupt ending?? Affairs end. They don't go on forever. Some end sooner than others and most don't end well. He has changed his mind and even though you don't like it and aren't happy with his decision to end the A, accept it. He wants to bond again with his wife, be home more and spend time with his kids. He may have realized that having an A is taking too much time and energy away from what is important. His wife and kids! Traveling so much and then being home, he wants to be at home now and not go off with you and be distant from his family. Sorry if my words sting to read but your reality is, let go and grieve this loss. Rely on good friends that you trust to help you through this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I'm sorry for your pain, he's left you hanging and it's really rude not to tell you face-to-face. He could've done the " break it to me gently" way, but maybe subtlety is not in his books. Something has happened and he may not be in a position to tell you, for whatever reason. Please be strong and keep your head high, walk away with your dignity, learn your lesson and start on your healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyHeart83 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 I know that he didn't really "want" to end it.. He's told me time and time again that he wants to be with me.. that he's been torn over that for some time. If it wasn't for his children, and having to leave them.. this wouldn't even be an issue. If it was just him and his wife, he would have left her a long time ago. After rereading his messages, he never mentioned wanting to make it work with his W.. just that he had to "try and make it work" for his children. He feels that getting a divorce would ruin their childhood. I don't understand why he feels that, but I've not been through my parents divorcing, and he has. I can't fight (nor would I want to) him trying to do what he thinks is right for his children. I've respected his request for space, and I am going to allow myself to date. I just hate the idea of him staying in a loveless marriage, especially when he IS a good man, despite the circumstance he's found himself in. I fear he's going to find himself back where he was before we met.. and that wasn't a very happy place. ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyHeart83 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 For the record.. Him having to "leave" his children is completely unfounded. I have told him his children would always be welcome with us if we were together, and I would be glad to be a part of their lives. I think he meant leaving the family home.. because I would never ever let him really leave his children. Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 He wants to move on from the affair. He has most likely been mulling this over in his head for quite some time despite the ILYs. I ended my affair abruptly a few weeks ago. It was time to move on with my own life. Loving him was irrelevant. The fact remained he was married and was not mine. Eventually one of the parties grow tired. Far better for it to end without the drama and hurt of a DD. Your MM wants to have a good go at trying to better his home situation. He cannot do this with you still in his life. You need to respect his wishes and move on with your own life now. Remember that saying...'if you really love someone you will let them go'. It is hard, but go no contact. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Please read you opening post again and again and again and again! Your answer is there. No need to think it to death! You were getting too attached and too serious (throwing fits when he didn't respond as soon as you'd like). You stopped being a fun escape and more like a regular relationship. He already had one of those when he got involved with you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 People divorce with children all the time so don't allow that to be an excuse in your mind- he wants to move on for whatever reason, what the two of you had is not what he wants now-its painful and he ended it horribly but you have to accept it for your own good and move forward and find someone worthy of you- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 For the record.. Him having to "leave" his children is completely unfounded. I have told him his children would always be welcome with us if we were together, and I would be glad to be a part of their lives. I think he meant leaving the family home.. because I would never ever let him really leave his children. You have nothing to do with his relationship with his children. It's simply the excuse he's giving you. Also, it's possible that their mother would prefer they stay with her, instead of going to live with their father and his affair partner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyHeart83 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 I'm going to try and move on.. and look forward to the future. But I have this impending feeling he's going to try and pop up out of the blue when things go South in his marriage again. I just hope I'm strong enough to ignore him when it does.. Link to post Share on other sites
spookysonata Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I'm going to try and move on.. and look forward to the future. But I have this impending feeling he's going to try and pop up out of the blue when things go South in his marriage again. I just hope I'm strong enough to ignore him when it does.. Well, maybe if he spends more time at home and stops cheating on his wife, he will find that his marriage is flourishing instead of struggling. Then you won't have to worry about him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I know that he didn't really "want" to end it.. He's told me time and time again that he wants to be with me.. that he's been torn over that for some time. If it wasn't for his children, and having to leave them.. this wouldn't even be an issue. If it was just him and his wife, he would have left her a long time ago. After rereading his messages, he never mentioned wanting to make it work with his W.. just that he had to "try and make it work" for his children. He feels that getting a divorce would ruin their childhood. I don't understand why he feels that, but I've not been through my parents divorcing, and he has. I can't fight (nor would I want to) him trying to do what he thinks is right for his children. I've respected his request for space, and I am going to allow myself to date. I just hate the idea of him staying in a loveless marriage, especially when he IS a good man, despite the circumstance he's found himself in. I fear he's going to find himself back where he was before we met.. and that wasn't a very happy place. ? He is a grown man. Trust me, if he was that miserable in his marriage he would have divorced regardless of the kids.. Or even you! People who want out of their marriages MAKE IT HAPPEN. They can have shared custody of the kids. People do this all over the world and cope and adjust to the changes. He won't die or curl up in a ball if he stays married. HE actually can make an effort and fix things at home, do counseling etc. Also, you don't know the real truth of what goes on behind closed doors - Many MM and MW lie and omit truths, exaggerate or bend things to make it seem like their BS is the 'bad' one and the marriage is unbearable... Many of times it's not half as bad as they've made it out to be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) My A had an abrupt ending...but granted it was after a long death march, so to speak, and me saying it's over but deciding to "be friends" which was really NOTHING different. I "ended it" about 2 or 3 times but tried the friend route until one day he initiated NC and stuck to it, which led me to sticking to it. But at the time, even though I had technically ended it before, it was never truly over so it seemed no less abrupt when I realized it had been weeks since we last spoke...it's for real this time. I can't say what was in his mind and what the truth of my exAP's situation was. At the time I thought maybe there was a dday so now he's saving himself. I thought maybe she's pregnant and it knocked him into reality...I thought all kinds of things. A year later he came back, broke NC and claimed he knew he couldn't give me what I needed and wanted and didn't want to hurt me anymore so felt it best he disappeared. Is that the whole truth? I can't prove it. But that's what he said. In your case...you just have to listen to what he's saying. He's saying he can't give you what you deserve and he needs to work on things for his kids...I'd take that at face value. With As, the thing is, the game can always change and at the end of the day, as it often plays out, MM/MW have a spouse and a family and if they for whatever reason feel like the A is starting to jeopardize that, whether they figure this 1 month after the A or 10 years later, they're going to focus on their families. Their family has always been there and although the behaviors in the A contradict things, most MM/MW at least in their minds feel their family and kids are important to them and an attack of conscience can happen at ANY time. That's the unfortunate part for the OW...for me I felt like no matter how "good" things were we were on borrowed time because if for whatever reason his child and SO needed to come first they would and he could end up feeling guilty or getting caught at any point and neither of us could control that...and if and when it happened he would save his family first before me. You're not disposable but in terms of what he is going to risk or choose: his family unit and kids or you....well he's going to choose them naturally. Edited July 7, 2014 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I'm going to try and move on.. and look forward to the future. But I have this impending feeling he's going to try and pop up out of the blue when things go South in his marriage again. I just hope I'm strong enough to ignore him when it does.. Then take action to prevent yourself from relapsing when/if it does go south. Block his number/emails/IM's. Remove him from your contacts so that you can't cave in and try to reconnect with him in a moment of weakness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyHeart83 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 MissBee.. I believe your description of your former A, and how things ended with your AP are exactly what's happening at the moment. My AP has told me several times if it was just his wife, and if it was just about his heart.. it wouldn't even be a second thought or a situation. I believe him when he says this. And I believe him when he says that he is staying simply for his kids.. I know a lot of unhappily married people who do that. (My parents were one of them) That's why I'm honoring his need for time and space to think things through, and to work on his M. I'm not holding out hope that they will D, but I do feel it's inevitable. They had been struggling long before I came around. Our love A was not a catalyst of his current marital struggles, but a direct product of them. Perhaps my being here to fulfill whatever emotional need he was lacking at home had even prolonged them being able to survive. Or maybe he'll be able to reconnect with her, and they will stay married forever. Who knows. Along with his children's welfare, I believe he isn't ready (or may never be ready) to forfeit the stability of his current home situation. And all in all, no matter how amazing our connection and time spent it, it's a huge gamble to leave a 13 year M, 2 kids, a beautiful home, etc. for a 1 1/2 year long A. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyHeart83 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 I do know he does genuinely love me.. and doesn't want to hurt me. And the fact he can't give me what I deserve right now.. and perhaps can't see when he could, is exactly why he felt the need to "let me go". My head understands this is for the best.. for both of us. But my heart is still feeling the blow, hoping we're not "throwing in the towel" too soon. And a part of me does hope he's happy.. or that our paths may cross again in the future when he is available, both emotionally and physically. Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 For the record.. Him having to "leave" his children is completely unfounded. I have told him his children would always be welcome with us if we were together, and I would be glad to be a part of their lives. I think he meant leaving the family home.. because I would never ever let him really leave his children. I believe this was posted with the honest intention of saying you don't want that to happen but the fact is you CAN"T let him do anything. Anymore than his wife can. He is an adult making choices like a child. His choice to cheat, his choice to stay with children, his choice to end the affair. They are all his choices made at his whim and in response to what he thinks he needs and not due to some noble choices of saving everyone pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I'm sorry but I think EVERY OW thinks THEY are special and that THEY'RE relationship with their MM is different from every other affair out there when in fact there is nothing unique about it at all. If you're going to engage in an extra-marital affair at least learn the rules and understand that more often that not you're just a lovely distraction and nothing more. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
EnderA Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 MissBee.. I believe your description of your former A, and how things ended with your AP are exactly what's happening at the moment. My AP has told me several times if it was just his wife, and if it was just about his heart.. it wouldn't even be a second thought or a situation. I believe him when he says this. And I believe him when he says that he is staying simply for his kids.. I know a lot of unhappily married people who do that. (My parents were one of them) That's why I'm honoring his need for time and space to think things through, and to work on his M. I'm not holding out hope that they will D, but I do feel it's inevitable. They had been struggling long before I came around. Our love A was not a catalyst of his current marital struggles, but a direct product of them. Perhaps my being here to fulfill whatever emotional need he was lacking at home had even prolonged them being able to survive. Or maybe he'll be able to reconnect with her, and they will stay married forever. Who knows. Along with his children's welfare, I believe he isn't ready (or may never be ready) to forfeit the stability of his current home situation. And all in all, no matter how amazing our connection and time spent it, it's a huge gamble to leave a 13 year M, 2 kids, a beautiful home, etc. for a 1 1/2 year long A. It's stunning to me the utter BS that OW are willing to believe from "their" MM. Attention OW: it's all the same! Your situation is like hundreds of thousands of others! Does it matter that it is his kids and not his wife or "his heart" (FFS)? No! Harden YOUR heart! Understand that he didn't really care about YOU in your "relationship", but rather cared about dipping his wick extramaritally from time to time. I know that it sucks and I wish I could wipe it away from your memory, but I cannot. But you can. It won't be easy, but I have a feeling that you feel that you are worth more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 For the record.. Him having to "leave" his children is completely unfounded. I have told him his children would always be welcome with us if we were together, and I would be glad to be a part of their lives. I think he meant leaving the family home.. because I would never ever let him really leave his children. These aren't within your control. It could be that you had many plans for him and he simply didn't wish to change that many things in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I believe her will go cold on you for awhile. But he will be back. You need to decide what you want before that happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GypsyHeart83 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 Ruffian1.. What is "going cold"?? Is that when an AP decides to break it off without any intention of really breaking it off?? That they're just playing games?? I don't see him being that way. Is "going cold" something that happens a lot inside an A?? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Going cold = no contact. Then when it serves him well he will be back to convince you to start again. Rinse, repeat. Link to post Share on other sites
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