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Nothisgirl

And he called me to tell me. Except I've met someone amazing that treats me like gold. I told exmm and he was so mad/hurt/angry...he really thought if just keep waiting...he hung up On me and now I'm left feeling like the *********

And wondering if I've let my soulmate get away....god, I loved him so deeply and I waited for over a year while he did nothing but now, now that I've been nc for a while I was staring to feel good and really develop real true feelings for this single guy except now idk how I feel ...hearing him say they've separated and he wants me and wants to be with me out in the open has left me feeling really confused again..

 

Tell me these feelings are normal?

 

I'm sorry this is so disjointed I'm running on very little sleep

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For the love of God, do NOT give up on the good man that treats you like gold. Your MM is not your future! Remember what he did to you! Would a true "soulmate" do that, FFS? Your MM is just trying to drag you back into that world where he can stuff your pride and self-worth down and do what he wants. Listen to your brain, not your carnal lust.

 

You deserve a REAL MAN that treats you the way you were meant to be treated!

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Don't give up what you have now for a guy who is still married! Separation doesn't always lead to divorce.

 

I find myself getting mad at MM in your case for being angry that you moved on.

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Nothisgirl
For the love of God, do NOT give up on the good man that treats you like gold. Your MM is not your future! Remember what he did to you! Would a true "soulmate" do that, FFS? Your MM is just trying to drag you back into that world where he can stuff your pride and self-worth down and do what he wants. Listen to your brain, not your carnal lust.

 

You deserve a REAL MAN that treats you the way you were meant to be treated!

 

The thing is that I know this, my head knows this and really so does my heart.... There's just something about hearing that the man you wanted and waited for is ready to be with you too

It's just too little too late

 

 

Don't give up what you have now for a guy who is still married! Separation doesn't always lead to divorce.

 

I find myself getting mad at MM in your case for being angry that you moved on.

 

Me too, I'm really angry and want to call him back and tell him all the reasons why this is not my fault we won't end up together but I really don't think it'd help... For whatever reason he's convinced himself that I should have waited

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He will have alot of cleaning up to do with his marriage and emotional issues. Keep the single guy. It is the road to a better life and if he is treating you like gold dont let that soulmate get away.

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aliveagain

Single guy doesn't cheat to be with you, treats you like gold, what's to think about?

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And he called me to tell me. Except I've met someone amazing that treats me like gold. I told exmm and he was so mad/hurt/angry...he really thought if just keep waiting...he hung up On me and now I'm left feeling like the *********

And wondering if I've let my soulmate get away....god, I loved him so deeply and I waited for over a year while he did nothing

 

This reminds me of Robin Williams' joke when Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up, right around the time she became religious: "Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him."

 

You went NC with this guy for a very good reason. This is a situation where you cannot allow your current feelings (which clearly change over time!) to dictate the course of action you take. If I were you I'd give myself a breather on this one. Don't do anything about these feelings - and don't change anything about the current course of your life - until you're calm, quiet, and at peace with yourself. Then you'll be ready to look at this whole thing objectively and make your choices wisely, whatever they may be... not to mention being able to live with them down the road!

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jellybean89

Please do not let xMM back into your life.

 

He says they separated...so what! That's a far cry from divorced and healed. He's just looking for a soft landing. He wants you to be that soft landing and then he can just do nothing OR he will expect YOU to be "understanding" for the next year(s) until the divorce is final. Do you really think he would start dating you in public so quickly after separating? People will know you two had an affair. His kids will know, his wife will know...and there is no way he is going to flaunt ou in front of them.

 

Please please do not let him back in. He didn't give a darn about how you were feeling during the affairs..the hurt, the shame, the hiding. Stop letting him control your emotions. Stop letting him dictate your life. Stop letting him have your heart.

 

The new guy---give him the chance to show you what love is. You said he treats you well...so embrace that. xMM is not your soul mate...never was. He hurt you deeply for a long time..let go of the hurt and of him.

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Nothisgirl
Single guy doesn't cheat to be with you, treats you like gold, what's to think about?

 

Amen!

Thank you for putting it out there in such a simple fashion. When I think about just that, just the facts without my heart reacting it really does seem simple

 

This reminds me of Robin Williams' joke when Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up, right around the time she became religious: "Jane found God and Ted found out it wasn't him."

 

You went NC with this guy for a very good reason. This is a situation where you cannot allow your current feelings (which clearly change over time!) to dictate the course of action you take. If I were you I'd give myself a breather on this one. Don't do anything about these feelings - and don't change anything about the current course of your life - until you're calm, quiet, and at peace with yourself. Then you'll be ready to look at this whole thing objectively and make your choices wisely, whatever they may be... not to mention being able to live with them down the road!

 

Excellent advice, Ty. I do tend to be a bit reactionary so Ty for the reminder to breathe and not make any decisions.

 

He's already tried to contact me this morning. I'm ignoring it

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Nothisgirl
Please do not let xMM back into your life.

 

He says they separated...so what! That's a far cry from divorced and healed. He's just looking for a soft landing. He wants you to be that soft landing and then he can just do nothing OR he will expect YOU to be "understanding" for the next year(s) until the divorce is final. Do you really think he would start dating you in public so quickly after separating? People will know you two had an affair. His kids will know, his wife will know...and there is no way he is going to flaunt ou in front of them.

 

Please please do not let him back in. He didn't give a darn about how you were feeling during the affairs..the hurt, the shame, the hiding. Stop letting him control your emotions. Stop letting him dictate your life. Stop letting him have your heart.

 

The new guy---give him the chance to show you what love is. You said he treats you well...so embrace that. xMM is not your soul mate...never was. He hurt you deeply for a long time..let go of the hurt and of him.

 

JB, Ty, THANK YOU

 

you're posts are always so helpful to me. You're right. He doesn't just walk out of a 25 yr relationship and I'm not interested in being there to hold his hand through the warzone that is sure to come

 

Ty for being such a strong voice of reason

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Maybe he want you to pick up where his life left off. Cooking for him, laundry, making a home. Some people really just hate to be alone.

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He's not even divorced and after all he had put you through, he hung up the phone...that sounds like a soul mate!

 

 

Spoiled little boy...don't acknowledge him unless fully divorced and even then only if you feel like it.

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Separation is not sameas divorce,do not leave this new guy...he sounds great,i am sure you deserve better than a cheater

 

I read your threads,you said you are not his first affair,do you really want him? WHAT says he wont do the same against you? he did it to a woman he spent 25 years with,to the mother of his kids..why would he be better towards you?

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IfWishesWereHorses

You should thank him for reminding you of what you're missing! Don't though! He knows he's being an a$$! He's manipulating, if you reply, he wins, he got to you! Hold your own so he knows exactly what he lost. Take back your power and DON'T give in one more minute of headspace!

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He's separated...still not divorced.

 

Imagine leaving a man who treats you like gold for exMM who then down the line changes his mind about his separation?

 

You haven't let your soulmate go...keep on keeping on. The fact that he is angry and hung up tells A LOT. A man who genuinely loves you, even if disappointed, would want you to be happy and would handle it more graciously than that. He's looking for a soft landing and expected you to be there and is pissy because you aren't...he needs to grow up! He should separate because he thinks it's the right thing, regardless of if you're there or not, but the fact that he feels entitled to be with you now that he's separated, after having you wait, is self-absorbed of him!

 

Please continue being with this new man and leave the MM baggage in the past.

Edited by MissBee
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Also if he was truly genuine about wanting you back, he wouldnt have hung up on you. He would be kissing the ground that you walk on.

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And he called me to tell me. Except I've met someone amazing that treats me like gold. I told exmm and he was so mad/hurt/angry...he really thought if just keep waiting...he hung up On me and now I'm left feeling like the *********

And wondering if I've let my soulmate get away....god, I loved him so deeply and I waited for over a year while he did nothing but now, now that I've been nc for a while I was staring to feel good and really develop real true feelings for this single guy except now idk how I feel ...hearing him say they've separated and he wants me and wants to be with me out in the open has left me feeling really confused again..

 

Tell me these feelings are normal?

 

I'm sorry this is so disjointed I'm running on very little sleep

 

I would be very angry at him to think I would sit on a shelve until he designed I was finally worth his attention.

 

My response, too little to late. Suck it. :cool:

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whichwayisup
And he called me to tell me. Except I've met someone amazing that treats me like gold. I told exmm and he was so mad/hurt/angry...he really thought if just keep waiting...he hung up On me and now I'm left feeling like the *********

And wondering if I've let my soulmate get away....god, I loved him so deeply and I waited for over a year while he did nothing but now, now that I've been nc for a while I was staring to feel good and really develop real true feelings for this single guy except now idk how I feel ...hearing him say they've separated and he wants me and wants to be with me out in the open has left me feeling really confused again..

 

Tell me these feelings are normal?

 

I'm sorry this is so disjointed I'm running on very little sleep

 

Your exMM is separated, not divorced. Also, it's doubtful that his separation has been that long, that is IF there really is a separation.

 

You are with someone you love and care about, someone who treats you well, doesn't lie to you or lead you on and doesn't hurt you.

 

Don't you think if xMM is telling the truth of his separation, he should be on his own for a while? Really, if you end things with your current bf and run to exMM, you'll regret it...

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Darren Steez
For the love of God, do NOT give up on the good man that treats you like gold. Your MM is not your future! Remember what he did to you! Would a true "soulmate" do that, FFS? Your MM is just trying to drag you back into that world where he can stuff your pride and self-worth down and do what he wants. Listen to your brain, not your carnal lust.

 

You deserve a REAL MAN that treats you the way you were meant to be treated!

 

I would echo this. Also would like to add, you're now in a genuine relationship, no running around, no hiding, no falsehoods. You have a chance to nurture something truly organic without all the added stress. Does your new guy know about your exMM?

 

I have no doubt your exMM, will be back, and what is he going to bring with him? More hiding stuff from the your new guy, more sneaking around, do you want that in your life?

 

Go NC block him. Dont fall back into the destructive habits of the past.

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Nothisgirl
How are you doing nothisgirl?

 

I'm doing okay, thank you for asking. He emailed me at work that morning I ignored it he then called me from the number I didn't recognize so I picked up the phone ....basically said he was very sorry his and that his behaviour was unacceptable. he understands and respects my decisions

 

He then went into a soliloquy about how he hopes it's not too little too late and that he really does believe were supposed to be together. it was a really hard conversation

 

Fast forward to that night he showed up my house, and asked to come in...I couldn't believe he actually did it. Anyways we talked for about an hour and I reiterated to him what my position is. He said he understands and that he is leaving his marriage whether or not I'm waiting for him.

 

I'm very confused, logically I know y'all are right. I'm just trying to get my heart fully to that point too

 

What I don't understand is that while we were in no contact I was doing really good I felt really strong feelings for someone else and really wasn't thinking about him anymore why does it all come rushing back the minute I hear from him?

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GreySkyMorning

I hate coming in here and watching other women write the same words that I lived through.

 

Please don't do it. Learn from our mistakes, from my mistakes. I gave my xMM so much of me for two years. When it all fell apart, I was lost, nearly suicidal. I still remember texting him that I wanted to die and his response was basically just leave him alone. Two years of loving him so deeply and crying almost every day knowing he was climbing bed with another woman every night...All of his promises and lies. And then just thrown away like I was nothing. After all his "I love you's" and "am going to be with you", he just walked away as cruel as he could. After listening to him talk about how they had no connection and how much he loved me, he chose to stay with her. This man hurt me and broke my heart like no one in my life has ever done or could do.

 

 

There was a dday in March of 2013, but we stayed in contact afterwards. We got together twice for sex that left me feeling like nothing but a cheap tramp.

 

 

I met a man last July, a good man. We started dating regularly in October. I still kept my heart open for xMM though, even though I knew in my heart that he was gone for good. In our limited contact, he still managed to say enough to keep me holding on to hope. It was enough to keep me from really connecting with this new man. In November, xMM dropped some line about how much he and the W were fighting and he didn't think they'd be together much longer. There went my hope flying high again and I broke up with the new guy, at least I thought I did.

 

The new guy, we'll call him B, took it all in stride. I had told him about xMM, had told him we talked occasionally, but that I'd never go back to him. B was patient. I don't know how he knew to give me space and time, but he did. I guess I eventually woke up and realized xMM was playing me for a fool, again. B and I got back together, but STILL I kept xMM close to me.

 

Finally, this March, it finally sank into my head that this relationship with xMM was destroying me. It was destroying my ability to ever love again. Meanwhile, I had this fantastic single man that I was keeping at arm's length from my heart, while I was hoping for a fantasy. I went complete NC with xMM. Once I accepted that my relationship with xMM was nothing but a lie, I allowed myself to really open up to B. I explained everything to him. I told him the whole story about xMM, told him I'd been in daily contact with xMM the whole time, told him that I was done with all that. And then I didn't look back.

 

Now, it's amazing. I love this man and he loves me, out loud, in public, proudly. All those months and years of begging for xMM to just love me the way I did him were just wasted time. This that I have now is what love really is, not secrets and lies. Every day, I get reminded of that. Friday, on the holiday, he had a big party and all of his friends and family were invited. Every time someone knew walked into the backyard, he would grab me and introduce me to them as his girlfriend, with a big smile on his face. If I walked past where he was, he'd grab me and kiss me. He made it clear to everyone there that I was his woman and he was mine alone. The next morning, it was such a cool thing to be able to wake up next to the man I love instead of waking up and remembering that he was laying next to another woman.

 

I remember all the mornings I'd wake up with tears in my eyes as soon as they opened because I knew where xMM was and who he was with. I used to hate weekends, especially Sunday mornings. There's just something about lazy Sunday mornings, waking up and staying in bed, or lounging on the couch with coffee, all that stuff. I'd dread every Sunday morning that I thought about him and her doing that. Now, I love them. :cool:

 

But, I almost lost it all because I almost bought right back into the whole lie. Geez, why? Why in the world would I go back to that? Why did I almost walk away from a man that could really be there for me, that WANTED to be there for me, that really does love me, just to go back to the hope that one day I'd be enough for xMM. That I'd be enough for him...pfft, he was never good enough for ME!! He treated me like crap. I can see that now.

 

Please don't buy into it. MM lie, all of them. Separated means nothing, even if he's telling you the truth. Even if he came back to you as a free man, could you forgive the hurt? I couldn't. Making it up to me for all that pain would be way more than my xMM could or would ever do. I don't think I could ever forgive him for all those tears.

 

I do miss him sometimes. I miss the friend I thought he was. I miss the man I thought he was. I do know now that it was never any of those things I thought. All of that was in my head, not his. I loved him. God, how much I loved him. I still do in some way, but I'd never allow myself to be vulnerable with him again. I'd never trust him again.

 

Anyway, for all my rambling, just please don't walk away from a man that cares about you, for a man that was never really yours.

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jellybean89

You have told xMM to leave you be and he hasn't. What does that show you? Not love! That shows he doesn't give a crap how much this hurts you, he doesn't give a crap what you requested and he is only worried about himself and HIS soft landing.

 

If he was serious about you, he would NOT contact you until he is divorced and had time to deal with why he chose to be a cheater. Please stop allowing him access to you. Stop answering calls at work from unknown numbers. Let them leave a message. Do not open your door to xMM again... You knew it was him at the door. Stop allowing this to happen. Take control.

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having skimmed over your story, i can so relate to your feelings. one thing that really helped me to decide whether to stay with the new guy or go back to the separated lover was ask yourself, do you really see the future with the MM or is this the rejected womans reaction of wanted to feel validated and thats whats pulling you back to him. also, is the new guy great compared to the MM (available able to give you what you deserve) or is he in isolation the person you can see yourself building future with. also, the reasons as to why the MM did not leave the wife soon after getting involved with you makes all the difference.

 

also what is the xMM willing to do to make up for the time he stole and earn your trust. that should be a good indication of whether hes really willing to get invested with you or if he wants carry on with inertia now that hes separated.

Edited by pixiecut
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Tell me these feelings are normal?

 

I'm sorry this is so disjointed I'm running on very little sleep

 

It is normal to be confused! Hugs!!! Also, tell him to beat it until he is divorced. Separated means married. Still.

 

Personally, I wouldn't go back to him. Mad at you for moving on and not wasting more time alone by yourself? Lol. Come on. Mad at you and hung up? Poor guy!

 

Give your head a shake, stay with the AWESOME guy you have and dont even think about going back to MM. No! Lol NO NO NO!

 

Hugs!

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