NC for a week after receiving this email. My head is spinning..

[ShatteredHearts]

Hi everyone. I posted my story for the first time about a month ago.

Since then, my AP's wife came to him and said that she wasn't happy,

but she was willing to work on their marriage if he was.

We sat down and talked, and he again said that he owed it to her to see if it would work. I said fine, I respect that and wished him well. I told him in order for me to move on, I would have to stick with NC. He agreed and we went our separate ways. I tried to push him to the back of my head and focus on my marriage. My heart just still isn't in it, and I know it's being clouded by my

emotions for AP.

We had the talk Friday, by Tuesday morning AP reached out thru IM (we work at the same company). Said he wanted to say good morning an he was sorry, but couldn't go with no communication. I waited an hour, and when I replied I said "on Friday you told me basically I needed to move on and get over you. I said in order to do that I had to go NC. You made your choice so I need to stick with mine." He replied in email with this:

 

i know what i said and I very briefly thought that I was doing the right thing like so many times before. Thing is.. the right thing to the mind isn’t necessarily right with the heart. I feel what I feel. Since Saturday i've been nothing but miserable, a reoccurring theme. I'm lost. I thought i was strong enough to handle this. The reason I said those things is because I need to find my way. I have a gut wrenching knot that will not go away. My heart is pounding as I read your IM. That means something? This question ive been asking myself. The cycle of hope and despair. The reality of losing you forever has become painfully clear. Loving you from afar is not ideal but that in truth is what I’m doing. I’m a mess and I fear the days ahead. I feel I owe my wife the truth at least about my unhappiness however painful that may be. That’s where im at. Don’t give up on me. I hold our time together close to my heart. I’m sure this raises more questions than anything else but that’s where I am. I can no longer be a 2 woman man. I need to resolve what’s going on at home before I can love anyone without restriction.

 

After that he Imd me and asked if it meant anything that he feels the way he does. Then he said he missed me and needed for me to give him time to sort it out. So I said we still needed to be NC while he did whatever he needs to do. He agreed and said it was for the best although very tough, and he needed to be honest with his feelings with me.

That was last Tuesday. I have not heard a word from him since.

My head is spinning and I don't know what to think! I feel like he's

working on things with her, b/c otherwise I think he would have been in touch. And if he is, why did he say all that in the email?

[Ap05]

Just breath and take it one day at a time .... he has feelings still and if he wants to be with you he will. Time will tell. Just breath and keep doing what your doing, you can't help him he's got to make up his own mind about things and you don't want him to have that kind of guilt to be with you later on down the road if you do get together later on

[veryhappy]

Warning: he might confess. Ask for at least a week in advance so you can decide what to do on your end. He can at least do that for you and not put you through a dday without any heads up.

 

 

Now...this guy said two key things. He wants to do the right thing and he wants to be honest with his wife. All laudable if he hadn't had an affair. The problem for you is that usually means this man will only get divorced if he has his wife's stamp of approval or of she doesn't want him anymore, otherwise he'll stick to the right thing.

 

 

Do not get off track because of his words. He's just having a hard time letting you go, and doesn't really want the reality of not having you waiting if this working on the marriage will not be successful. Focus on the fact that if he confesses he will ask for nc, say he never wanted you and how happy he is to have a chance with that amazing partner of his.

 

 

Just ask for the heads up in case he confesses and go on with your life.

[whatatangledweb]

A week is not enough time to work on his marriage. He is respecting what you wanted , which is NC until he decides what he wants. That could be weeks, months, etc. I am sorry you are hurting.

[whichwayisup]

I think you both are reacting and having withdrawal, like addicts without their drug. IT isn't supposed to be easy! Fight it hard and start ignoring his messages to you. He chose to go NC and wants to work on his marriage. He cannot have it both ways.

 

Go to counseling to help you grieve this loss and work on yourself. Maybe once you're more detached from exMM you can decide if you'd rather be alone or make efforts to reconnect with your husband and get your marriage back on track.