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ChasingHope

This is my first time posting here, but I am SO GLAD I found this site....hopefully I can start to gain some insight and eventually peace.

 

My story--I am a 34 y/o single female living in a large city. About 2 1/2 years ago, I met a man at my work. I was immediately attracted to him, and thru our interactions at work, I developed a massive crush on him. We started a friendship, and though I could tell he was interested in me (and from other coworkers telling me that they thought he had a crush on me), I found out that he had recently gotten engaged. But we had so much in common, our friendship grew and we became very close. He became someone I could rely on for advice and support. We never talked about his life outside of work, and he rarely, if ever, mentioned his significant other. In the meantime, I started dating someone else. That relationship soured, and my MM was there for me during a very hard time. He got married, I dated other people, but we remained very good friends. He started texting me outside of work, and I noticed that my feelings were going beyond the limits of friendship. I ended up cutting him out for about 6 months last year, with very limited contact at work. But after that 6 months, we slowly became friends again. I was ok with that, b/c I thought my feelings for him had disappeared. They hadn't, and by February of this year, we had sex for the first time. After that first time, I found out that his wife was pregnant. I stopped contact again, but we slowly started up with the emotional affair. Since that time, we have kissed multiple times and have been intimate 3 times.

 

I know that what I am doing is so so so very wrong. His wife is due in August, and feel sick about what I am doing to this women and her innocent child. But I can't seem to help myself; he is like a drug for me. I have tried to break it off several times, and he never lets me. I know it's because he doesn't want to lose this situation--he has a wife at home and a piece on the side. But it's also my fault...I say that it's over, he continues to contact me, and I give in and let things go back to the way they are. So I can only blame myself.

 

I am at a point where I am so depressed and overwhelmed that sometimes I feel I don't want to go on anymore. I used to be such a happy, vivacious person--I have lots of friends, an active social life, etc. But now I don't care about any of that--I feel like I am potentially ruining 4 people's lives (mine, his, his wife, and their baby). I hate myself for what I am doing, but I can't seem to cut him out of my life. I don't know if the fact that I am 34 and not married has anything to do with my terrible decisions, or if I just don't feel like I deserve any better. I fell in love with this man, and I want to fall out of love, but I just don't think I am strong enough or brave enough to take the first steps to doing it.

 

If anyone has any advice, or insight, please help me. I feel so powerless and hopeless.

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I am 34 and single, and start the affair 2 1/2 years ago too.

 

I had a MM who I thought love me truly and very much.

actually most of the OW or OM on this board all thought we have a MM or MW who love us truly and very much.

 

But when reality come, things are just so sad.

 

things will not change even how he tell you he love you everyday and you are his the one, things will not change.

 

if continous this, time after time, you will start feel actually he is not really love you and care you, and you will start hate you let yourself become so cheap.

 

I traps in this situation for so long, two years, and these two years, we had some romantic and happy time, and then nothing. I was also a happy person before. now I can't imagine what I will be if I spend another two years on this man, so I end it.

 

I think as time goes by, I will just regret more and more, why I waste so much time on this relationship, really not worth at all.

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You say you want to fall out of love...but you're not strong enough or brave enough to take the first steps.

 

Well...the only useful advice I think you need at this point is to pull up your big girl britches and get to work.

 

You KNOW what you need to do. You have the strength...you've simply not truly wanted to take action.

 

So...make up your mind...do you want to end it, or are you going to stay where you're at?

 

It IS that simple...not easy...but simple.

 

If you think this needs to end...then make it happen. When you do so...you really need to try to end ANY contact with him if at all possible. Is there any way you can avoid any kind of future contact with him, job-related or otherwise?

 

At the end of the day...that's what will change this situation. Get mad. Get angry at him for using you the way he has, the horrible way he treats the OTHER woman in his life too...his pregnant wife.

 

See this as his doing (which it is)....get mad about it, and use that to catalyze some change in your life.

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doing NC will help you see things clear.

you will know that actually he don't need you.

 

and when he is married and be with you, actually he is not that care and respect you. continuous with him just show that we are willing to be mistress, we just worth to be mistress.

 

honestly, if you really love someone, you would not feel ok to let her be mistress. I did ask the exMM before, what he would do if one day her daughter told him she love the married man and her married truly love her. the exMM said, he will not let his daughter in this situation because he don't belived it.

 

he definitely truly love his daughter, so in his mind, he know affair is never a good thing, otherwise, why he not let his daughter do it?

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whichwayisup
But I can't seem to help myself; he is like a drug for me.

 

Do you see this isn't a healthy kind of love or a good situation for you? He is married and has a baby on the way. Really, you have no choice but to end it and walk away. Quit your job if need to or ask for a transfer.

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leavesonautumn

The best time to get out is now. I believe in you! Once that baby is born he will either be so busy he won't have time for you and you'll be hurt. Or he will want to escape his family life and will use you to do that. Either way, you're going to end up hurt and hurting everyone involved.

 

I've never been in this situation so I don't really have any specific advice for you. I can't speak from experience but from what I have read, he will "chose" his wife whether that's in two weeks, once the baby is born or next year. It seems like you have some insecurities about being single at your age but there is nothing wrong with being single. You might be right, it's probably because you think you'll be forever alone but you deserve so much more then someone who will never truly give you their heart.

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ChasingHope

I appreciate the replies. I do know that I am going to have to be the one to end it. Saying that I have "tried" doesn't cut it, but I also keep getting pulled back to him. I have thought about quitting my job, but I make almost 6 figures, and I know that I won't find a job in my profession that will pay as much as I make right now. And it's not just the money--I have the best bosses in the world, who push and support my career, are invested in my success, etc. I also work for one of top companies in the industry.

 

I have never deluded myself into thinking this would end any way but badly for me. But I keep going back.

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ChasingHope

And you are right, I do have insecurities about being single at my age. I want to get married, have a family, etc. And I know that that will NEVER happen as long as I am involved with this man.

 

I also know that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do him. I've never told him I love him, and never will.

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Quiet Storm

It sounds like your professional life is a success, but your personal life is a mess. This is not an uncommon scenario in women with low self worth. You are confident and self assured when it comes to work/school/professional life, but accept way less than what you deserve in your romantic relationships.

 

There are reasons why you continue to accept this, and why you feel like such a slave to your emotions for him. Therapy and counseling can help get to the root of it, and also help change your thought patterns so that you can avoid similar issues in the future.

 

If you really want to have a family with kids, then you need to make some major changes in your life. While you are waiting & wishing & hoping, time is ticking away.

 

In your career, you have goals to aspire to and deadlines to meet. You should start thinking of your personal life in the same way. Be your own advocate for what you want, and be realistic. If your goal is to get married & have kids, you are not being your own advocate by continuing to involve yourself in a situation that is unhealthy & is preventing you from meeting one of the most important goals in your life- having a family.

 

You have to end it now. It's going to hurt, but it's the only way forward for you. You don't have years to waste waiting & hoping he'll pick you. You don't have time to "wean" yourself off of him. How long will it take you to heal from this? How long before your mind is even open to dating others? How long will it take to meet someone, establish a relationship, commit to each other & start a family?

 

I know it hurts to give up on him, but it's the only way you will have a chance at the life you want. You simply do not have time to be weak for this man. You do not have time to battle your addiction. You need to quit cold turkey. Today.

 

All addicts feel "drawn" or "pulled in" by their drug of choice, but they will never get clean until they learn to cope with those feelings in a healthy way. You need to make a plan for how you will deal with those feelings (feeling pulled in & weak). We can't always control our feelings, but we can control how we respond to them. If you can't trust yourself, plan for that as well. The determined, ambitious & strong part of you must babysit the weak, needy & insecure part of you. Be your own advocate. Please don't allow this man to derail your future and steal your dreams.

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ChasingHope

Not sure if this could be called a coincidence, but I got back to my desk after lunch with an email from him....he said that his wife had a seizure Friday night. Both baby and mother are ok, thank goodness. However, he said that all weekend he was overcome with guilt and that he has to end things now.

 

Though there is a certain amount of relief, I still feel like my heart just broke into bits and pieces. When I tried to end things over email, he would insist I have the conversation with him in person. And then we would go back to the way things were. I feel so cheap and worthless, but I guess you sow what you reap. I know I didn't deserve any better, but there is that small part that wishes they cared enough to treat you like they cared.

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leavesonautumn

You're not cheap and worthless, you just made some choices that were not the best to make. Nobody is perfect and we all have experiences that we regret or wish happened differently. You said that you would love to get married and have a family, these are things that this man will never give you. Him breaking things off will now allow you to achieve this!

 

He actually did the both of you a huge favour by ending it. Start NC and do your best to not give in to any advances. I hate to say it and I don't wish harm on anyone but I believe everything happens for a reason and his wife going through what she did is what changed the course of this affair. Consider it a good thing in disguise. You will be so much happier without him then being stuck in a torrid affair that could last who knows how long. The pain will be temporary unless you let it take over you. Like Quiet Storm said, be your own advocate :)

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ChasingHope

Is it temporary? I have went thru breakups and have gotten over them, and though it wasn't like we were dating, not in the traditional or even valid sense, we were friends a lot longer than the affair was going on, and I valued his support and friendship. Now I have lost one of the best friends I have had in a long while. My heart is breaking into little bits over something that never was. Why does it hurt so much?

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Criedallout
Is it temporary? I have went thru breakups and have gotten over them, and though it wasn't like we were dating, not in the traditional or even valid sense, we were friends a lot longer than the affair was going on, and I valued his support and friendship. Now I have lost one of the best friends I have had in a long while. My heart is breaking into little bits over something that never was. Why does it hurt so much?

 

Hope I am where you are at, wondering if it gets easier. I'm a few days out now from allowing my emotions to take control. Each day it gets a little easier, I think about him a little less. Listen to the posters above, control your emotions...I didn't and now I have to live with that embarrassment. He too was my best friend and I lost 2 years of my life plus a friend but at the end I keep telling myself it is for the best. Friends don't make other friends expendable. It will hurt, I still have to suck back the tears but it's getting easier. I feel so sorry you had this happen and please know you are in my thoughts.

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ChasingHope

Criedallout, thanks for the kind and thoughtful reply. If it is not too painful, can I ask you to share your story with me? Being new to this forum, not sure if there is a way to PM me?

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Criedallout
Criedallout, thanks for the kind and thoughtful reply. If it is not too painful, can I ask you to share your story with me? Being new to this forum, not sure if there is a way to PM me?

 

I can't PM as I'm new but I'd love too as having someone to talk to is something I need badly. My story is similar to most...MM came into my life as I was commissioned to help on a project he was doing. We became fast friends and eventually more. For 2 years even after the project was over we stayed in communication daily, holidays even. He became my best friend and as hard as I tried to keep emotions out, they crept in. For the first year and a half everything was great, communication (which was the part I loved) was strong, the PA was good but I'd wish we saw each other more, although I never complained. You see I knew my role and accepted it as if fit my life as well.

 

Well for the last 6 months he started getting odd and almost belittling in communication, but I held on as I was in deep. I would ask if everything was ok and I was always told "yes, you are being dramatic". Well two weeks ago he told me he was feeling guilty, even though I know I'm not his first affair, and that he wanted to try to stay friends.

 

I thought about it as I read here that isn't a good idea but I craved his attn. Well last week I felt he had disrespected me and I told him. That was the last I've heard from him, he didn't have the guts to tell me he was completely done, he just disappeared. So like you my heart is broken in a million pieces but more than anything I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed I let my emotions control my actions, embarrassed I actually groveled and embarrassed that as smart as I am I never caught on to how truly expendable I was to him.

 

I put him on a pedestal and he put me lower than dirt. Everyday I hold back tears and I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again.

 

I will never understand a persons ability to just toss another person they interacted with daily for 2 years aside.

 

So that's my story...I fell for an image that wasn't reality and it hurts everyday. So I understand your pain..I really do. If you need a friend I'm here.

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ChasingHope... I could be you in many ways in my impossible tangle.

 

Anyways, I can't make you feel better. No one really could. But you can and eventually you will. We all will.

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Chasing Hope and Criedallout... they will be back. Bet on it.

 

 

The cycle has just started. Brace yourselves.

 

 

You will see.

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ChasingHope

Criedallout....I wish there was some way to get you my email address without posting it here....I read back thru your threads and I think it would be great to be able to talk to each other. I think what some people don't realize is that when you weed thru all the negativity (getting involved with a married person even though you know it's wrong), we still are human and have broken hearts. I didn't set out to fall in love with this person--it happened in small degrees and I didn't realize what was happening until I was so far in I was unable to turn back.

 

Right now, I'm not so much struggling with the fact that it is over, but more so over losing my friend. In the past, when I have had a broken heart, he has been there to listen, offer advice, buy me McDonalds fries to make me feel better, etc. Now HE is the one causing me pain. I am very hurt by how he ended it, and realize now that the respect I thought he had for me was just an illusion. However, there is a certain amount of peace that comes with knowing the waiting game is over.

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ChasingHope
You see I knew my role and accepted it as if fit my life as well.

 

Criedallout, this absolutely resonated with me.....I have never made any demands, had any expectations...I let him set the agenda, and I became whatever he wanted me to be--I also accepted whatever role he put me in. I felt like I had no control over what our relationship was, and I was constantly at his mercy. I don't think he knows this, but every night, before I went to bed, I deleted his number...however, we would text every day. What that means is--he was the one initiating all the contact. By no means am I blameless or a naive victim, but I do take some comfort in knowing that I wasn't chasing after him.

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whichwayisup
And you are right, I do have insecurities about being single at my age. I want to get married, have a family, etc. And I know that that will NEVER happen as long as I am involved with this man.

 

I also know that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do him. I've never told him I love him, and never will.

 

Then get to counseling, build up your self esteem, self respect and dignity so you can end it.

 

You know he doesn't feel the same way about you so that should actually make it easier to walk away.

 

Get MAD. This guy is USING YOU! He is married with a child on the way. He's selfish and really, what sort of person cheats on his pregnant wife. Imagine being married and pregnant with your first child and your H was cheating on you. Don't be that girl..

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Criedallout
Right now, I'm not so much struggling with the fact that it is over, but more so over losing my friend. In the past, when I have had a broken heart, he has been there to listen, offer advice, buy me McDonalds fries to make me feel better, etc. Now HE is the one causing me pain. I am very hurt by how he ended it, and realize now that the respect I thought he had for me was just an illusion. However, there is a certain amount of peace that comes with knowing the waiting game is over.

 

This is exactly my case. I'm more broken hearted at losing my best friend. But as you said I too feel like the respect I thought was there was an illusion. Maybe you could create a fake email...post it and I can email you mine and you can reply with your real one them delete the fake one...just a thought as it seems like we are in similar boats...rowing in circles. I am almost to the point of being mad....almost .

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Criedallout
Criedallout, this absolutely resonated with me.....I have never made any demands, had any expectations...I let him set the agenda, and I became whatever he wanted me to be--I also accepted whatever role he put me in. I felt like I had no control over what our relationship was, and I was constantly at his mercy. I don't think he knows this, but every night, before I went to bed, I deleted his number...however, we would text every day. What that means is--he was the one initiating all the contact. By no means am I blameless or a naive victim, but I do take some comfort in knowing that I wasn't chasing after him.

 

OMG. Same here! I never...I mean never initiated contact. I also was at his mercy as far as seeing each other and as far as expectations I only expected him to end it with me with dignity...we see how that happened.

 

Im sorry you are in pain hope

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by nightfall the two of you will be agreeing that you were drugged and forced to maintain an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife at gunshot.

 

I understand your pain, but understand you are both looking outside yourselves for how you got this messed up.

 

Now the guy with the pregnant wife has his own soul searching to do.

But if you think you can use words in a forum to allow yourselves to find solace in stepping deliberately into a sexual relationship with a MM, then you are clearly not going to solve your problems.

 

Your problem will be solved when you stop blaming the MM for ANY OF THIS, that blame belongs to their wives, not you. You get to blame yourselves for every text message, every YES, every moment you allowed yourselves the luxury of the delusion that although what you are doing is wrong, that somehow, you don't need to behave well under the circumstances.

 

There is no other path for either of you, really.

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Criedallout
by nightfall the two of you will be agreeing that you were drugged and forced to maintain an affair with a married man with a pregnant wife at gunshot.

 

I understand your pain, but understand you are both looking outside yourselves for how you got this messed up.

 

Now the guy with the pregnant wife has his own soul searching to do.

But if you think you can use words in a forum to allow yourselves to find solace in stepping deliberately into a sexual relationship with a MM, then you are clearly not going to solve your problems.

 

Your problem will be solved when you stop blaming the MM for ANY OF THIS, that blame belongs to their wives, not you. You get to blame yourselves for every text message, every YES, every moment you allowed yourselves the luxury of the delusion that although what you are doing is wrong, that somehow, you don't need to behave well under the circumstances.

 

There is no other path for either of you, really.

 

 

Thanks for such lovely words of support. Unlike your assumption of me...I know exactly my role in all this. I am not a saint, however no one is, and I came here looking for others who are in similar boats that I could talk too. I wasn't drugged...I was well aware of my actions. Please throw your stones elsewhere.

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Thanks for such lovely words of support. Unlike your assumption of me...I know exactly my role in all this. I am not a saint, however no one is, and I came here looking for others who are in similar boats that I could talk too. I wasn't drugged...I was well aware of my actions. Please throw your stones elsewhere.

 

Well unlike you I don't see how us throwing stones at the MM is going to solve your problems. But we could try, we could all call him scum. Does that stop you from having sex with married men yet? I didn't think so.

 

No one is a saint, that's very true. But the distance between being a NICE RESPECTFUL person and the side dish to a MM with child on the way, screwing up the entire life of a unsuspecting wife is pretty large in my book. Maybe not everyone's. Maybe that's why there are so many OM/OW.

 

"Unlike your assumption of me...I know exactly my role in all this." So the comments about him being the chaser are what? Meaningless?

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