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Struggling with NC? Here's a tip [updates]


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RegretfulAlways

Gah, I'm 11 days into NC and last night I made the mistake of checking a social media site that the xAP frequents, and saw something (I'm deliberately keeping this cryptic) that could easily be interpreted as a message to me.

 

The reality is, it could be a message, it could be not ....but regardless I'm now going through a whirlwind of emotions. I need a pep talk!

 

When I discovered the "message" last night I was elated - simply because it shows he cares. (It's kind of a "you played games with me and I'm learning you only used me so fine, we're done" message - which is LAUGHABLE because the concept of ME using HIM is so not true, but still it makes me happy because it shows I got under his skin. This is important to me because I went a little crazy at the end of our EA and he was doing this ridiculous "aloof" thing and I felt like he had the upper hand.)

 

Now, today (predictably) I'm on the flip side of that emotion, thinking, "Awwwww he misses me! Do I miss him?" romanticizing the dysfunctional relationship once again, selling myself short, etc. Definitely not the "I am a strong woman who deserves not to be #$%^ed around with" vibe I was on last night.

 

Need a good pep talk from anyone who's out there. He's a jerk, he used me, there is nothing good about him, and I dodged a MAJOR BULLET right? I need to focus on my H and child now, and how lucky I am that I'm out of that mess. Right?

 

Help me stay strong, peeps! Thanks as always.

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Yes you did dodge a bullet! Getting out and staying free is major and you have done it. Dont slide back. If he treated you that badly he doesn't deserve you at all. Make a great life for yourself and enjoy.

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IfWishesWereHorses

I'm not sure that blame shifting is the same as missing someone in a healthy way atleast.

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Soverysad123

Stay strong. He has used you, disrespected you and only cares about him.

 

It was all make believe not real life. Please realise how lucky you are to be 11 days NC. It's so incredibly hard withdrawing but please carry on with it, it is so worth it.

 

These men are creeps. Remember why you married your husband and what real love is.

 

Please don't reach out to him.

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RegretfulAlways

IfWishesWereHorses, I'm curious about your response. Can you elaborate? Sure, I'm not blameless but I'm not catching your point...

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Hope Shimmers
IfWishesWereHorses, I'm curious about your response. Can you elaborate? Sure, I'm not blameless but I'm not catching your point...

 

I am guessing the point was that you are seeming to blame it all on the OM.

 

However - at this point, whatever works. I'm sure you know you aren't blameless. Doesn't change the fact that this was NOT a healthy relationship for you and if you go back into it you will just be dragged further down into the mess and it will take you that much longer to extricate yourself from it permanently.

 

Embrace the pain as a way that you know you are healing from something that was not good for you. Don't give in and start over - that only hurts YOU.

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A friend once gave me this advise 'remember the pain'. Every time I missed him (we are now in NC), I'll try to remind myself of those instances when I was left hurt and crying. Remind yourself of those painful moments and don't go back to them again.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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RegretfulAlways

OK, so I walked away from xMM without a DDay, etc. That was three weeks ago. I haven't technically been NC since I've been stalking his social media stuff and everything, but I did initiate the break up. He contacted me a few days ago and for some reason it hit me... I downward-spiraled and got hit with a really bad case of stuck-in-the-affair-fog this weekend.

 

See: "Devil's Advocate: Harm in Not Blocking an Ex on FB" for the story...

 

The good news: I figured out a way totally snap out of the nostalgia and sadness. I'm not sure it's never been done before, but for me it was the first time I did it and I was surprised at how effective it was.

 

I took out a piece of paper, and wrote line by line my interactions with xMM during the last month of our A. And his interactions with me. I put them into categories:

1) The things I initiated during the A (with him or for him) that made me feel CONFIDENT/GOOD about myself,

2) The things I initiated during the A (with him or for him) that made me feel BAD/ASHAMED of myself,

3) the things he did that made me stressed/mad/sad to the point of crying

4) the things he did that made me feel good, but just sexually/superficially

5) any genuinely selfless, loving thing he did for me

 

Want to see my results?

1) 1

2) 9

3) 14

4) 5

5) 0

 

Yep, that last one was the real wake-up for me.

 

For extra emphasis I underlined the bad things in red so I have a color-coded guide to how much he mind-F*&^%ed me.

 

The good news: It feels SO GOOD to get MAD, not SAD! I feel like I've just re-energized myself for the long haul of true NC, and for starting to (finally) put the focus back where it belongs: on me, loving myself, and not putting up with any more crap.

 

Hope this helps anyone else out there who might be in need of the same cold splash of water on the face!

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whichwayisup

When the bad outweighs the good and you're crying more than you should be, that's an unhealthy dynamic and a crappy relationship.

 

Glad that you did that list and found your anger! You may have some sad days but that anger will make it a bit easier to get him out of your head and heart.

 

Be proud of yourself for getting to this step!

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OK, so I walked away from xMM without a DDay, etc.

 

I think this is the most difficult way to end it and stick to it, of all ways to end an A. Kudos to you and I am rooting for you.

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PachucaSunrise
OK, so I walked away from xMM without a DDay, etc. That was three weeks ago. I haven't technically been NC since I've been stalking his social media stuff and everything, but I did initiate the break up. He contacted me a few days ago and for some reason it hit me... I downward-spiraled and got hit with a really bad case of stuck-in-the-affair-fog this weekend.

 

I took out a piece of paper, and wrote line by line my interactions with xMM during the last month of our A. And his interactions with me. I put them into categories:

1) The things I initiated during the A (with him or for him) that made me feel CONFIDENT/GOOD about myself,

2) The things I initiated during the A (with him or for him) that made me feel BAD/ASHAMED of myself,

3) the things he did that made me stressed/mad/sad to the point of crying

4) the things he did that made me feel good, but just sexually/superficially

5) any genuinely selfless, loving thing he did for me

 

Want to see my results?

1) 1

2) 9

3) 14

4) 5

5) 0

 

Yep, that last one was the real wake-up for me.

 

For extra emphasis I underlined the bad things in red so I have a color-coded guide to how much he mind-F*&^%ed me

 

Regretful, I know how much you've been struggling with this. I also know just how difficult it is to fight the urge to do a little 'peeking' here and there. But, I want you to know that I'm proud of you for actually taking the initiative to break things off with him in the first place, WITHOUT a D-Day. That's pretty rare from most of what I've read regarding these types of situations. So, pat yourself on the back for that one. Now the EVEN HARDER part is going to be sticking with your decision. You're gonna go through a lot of ups and downs, but it's PARAMOUNT that you remain strong. I think all this self-reflection you've been doing is awesome, and I think it's ultimately going to help you. And this list you made? FANTASTIC! I suggest you laminate it and keep it with you at all times. Seriously. When you're having a moment of weakness, whip it out and read through it. And NEVER FORGET all that you sacrificed of yourself and what you got in return. You're worth much more... SO MUCH more.

 

PS. I think I just might make up a list of my own! Thank you for the excellent idea! :)

 

I know he contacted you not long ago, asking why you couldn't remain friends on FB (if I remember correctly)? I REALLY, REALLY hope you still haven't responded to his message???? Sounds as though you haven't, so even better.

 

The good news: It feels SO GOOD to get MAD, not SAD! I feel like I've just re-energized myself for the long haul of true NC, and for starting to (finally) put the focus back where it belongs: on me, loving myself, and not putting up with any more crap.

 

Hope this helps anyone else out there who might be in need of the same cold splash of water on the face!

 

This is really great to hear! I'm truly happy for you. Yes, keep that focus exactly where it belongs - on YOU! Like I said, it's not going to be easy, but that doesn't mean it can't be done. And remember to keep that handy-dandy list with you at all times. Now it's time for you to keep moving forward. By taking yourself out of the situation, you've already made a terrific first step. And now that you have this new-found freedom, you can begin to look at things from a completely fresh perspective, and most importantly, begin to truly love yourself again. I'm rooting for you, girl! :)

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RegretfulAlways
I know he contacted you not long ago, asking why you couldn't remain friends on FB (if I remember correctly)? I REALLY, REALLY hope you still haven't responded to his message???? Sounds as though you haven't, so even better.

 

Yep, you've got it exactly right. One week ago today. HAVE NOT RESPONDED! :laugh:

 

Thanks, PS, and to ALL of you... for all the words of encouragement. I feel 110 percent better this morning than I did all weekend. I know there will still be ups and downs to come, but it feels so good right now to have this clarity and I'll ride that wave as long as I can. :):cool:

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  • 2 weeks later...
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RegretfulAlways

So... everyone here is going to be saying "I told you so"... so go easy on me please. But as some of you know I have been wondering about whether it is possible to "be just friends" with my xEAP. We have a long relationship - friends for years, etc. until it turned into an online EA a few months ago. It was too much for me, I walked away with no explanation about a month ago, and then ignored a message he sent me in response a few weeks ago. The truth is, I've been feeling some cognitive dissonance about fading to black with no explanation. (I knew it wouldn't work between us, but I still felt bad about how I handled it). I knew in my heart of hearts I should just let it go, but as many of you know... it can eat away at you and surface at inappropriate times.

 

Especially when alcohol is involved.

 

Soooo. I thought I could maintain control, but I was drinking a few nights ago and decided to send him a text. Saying essentially, I'm okay with just being friends if you are. And if you'd rather not be, I'll understand.

 

Well, he hasn't responded and I'm pretty sure he deleted the message. And YES, I knew this would happen - (I certainly would act this way if I was him) - and I know I don't deserve too much sympathy because I certainly brought it upon myself.

 

But if anyone has any words of support, I'll admit I would greatly appreciate them! Just a pep talk. I know I goofed big time in breaking NC, etc.

 

How how do I move on from this and not dwell on it? I know it's really truly over.

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gettingstronger

Awww.... no worries- it kind of answered that lingering question in your mind- the one that kept you from moving forward-so although its a set back, in the long run-its a questioned answered and hopefully strengthens your resolve for "next time"

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RegretfulAlways

Just the kind of answer I needed. Thank you GS! Really appreciated on a day like today. ;)

 

I would also appreciate others' "it happened to me" stories... please, vent away! It's very helpful!

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hi, i'm so sorry you're going through that, i was in your shoes a year and a half ago, and no you can't just be friends, you're both lying to yourself, thats what i and my xMM did for a few months (we got also physically involved and fell in love within a few months). don't kid yourselves please, it only brings more pain confusion and bitterness for you. in my case i gave him a deadline by which to be officially and publicly done with the marriage (the deadline coincided with his reason for not leaving right away being no loner relevant, baby on the way) he didnt leave as he promised to. I cut all contact and started getting invested elsewhere. within two months his marriage was over and he was officially separated within two months after the moved out. decide what you want, stay with him? if yes, set a deadline how long you'll wait for him to make a decision and act and stick to it. otherwise that deadline will keep moving. if not go no contact it will get easy i promise. whatever you do, please dont torture yourself with we can be just friends, because you both know that's bull which allows him to have his cake and eat it too, while your life is on hold and you're living a shameful secret. hope you will figure it out. xoxo

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ChasingHope

I don't think this is just relegated to the "other person" stories....I think just about everyone has done this at one time, because it is a very common thing to do when you break up or lose someone. I have done this MULTIPLE times with ex's....to the point where I had to leave my phone at home when I was going out and knew I would be drinking. And I have used the whole "let's be friends" thing to open up dialogue with the hope that they will want to start seeing each other again. Not saying that this was your intention, but believe me, we have ALL done it.

 

I haven't done this with my MM, but that's not to say it won't happen. I really hope it doesn't, though. What keeps me from reaching out is the thought of not getting a reply, and then having to see him (we work together). Just tell yourself, "remember how it felt when he didn't answer the last time". I know you feel bad, but please don't.

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whichwayisup

Get tough on yourself and really decide it is over. That you're done and grieve the loss. Get rid of any hope or desire to want to be friends with him.

 

Let yourself really cry and grieve the loss. Don't fight that process.

 

Be good to yourself. Spend time with your friends and those who love and care about you, people that have your back always.

 

Write him letters but don't send them! Get out what needs to be said to make yourself feel better. Burn or rip them up afterwards.

 

Allow yourself a certain amount of time each day to cry, then pick yourself up and do your best to enjoy the day. Know that he isn't sitting there crying and missing you, he's moved on. Get MAD enough that you want to not waste another minute thinking or pining over him. In time this will happen naturally!

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RegretfulAlways

Great advice and thoughts, all. (WWIU, I knew you'd have some good "tough love" for me!)

 

It's interesting because although I have never considered myself a "dumper" - I feel like I'm more of a "dumpee" personality - if I'm honest with myself I have to realize that I was the dumper here, and he did the right thing for his own healing by not responding.

 

It's like the advice we always talk about - if your ex dumps you, then you get that text later asking to be friends, just IGNORE IT AND MOVE ON! I have to respect him for taking the advice I myself would take. That's kind of a mind#$%^ though because it leads me too close toward empathy for the ex and away from the more healthy path of "GET MAD" (per WWIU's advice).

 

You see my dilemma here? Ugh. It's my own bed I've made I know. I just need to stop dwelling. *kicks self* Sigh.

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Hey woman... *raise my hand* I did that breaking NC just last week!! Don'tttt kick me though. Me and him are in space-out time, he sorting his home issues. Hang out and talk it out with close girl friend helps!! Hope you are feeling better.

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RegretfulAlways

Thanks, MayP. I do not have one close girlfriend who knows, though. That's why I come here! I dunno, I don't feel comfortable telling any female friends IRL. All my girlfriends are married (as am I) and I doubt any of them are, or ever have had, A's.

 

Oddly, I have confided about this to my younger brother - we are SUPER close. He gives me tough love, which I need, and he HATES xEAP for obvious reasons. Thinks he's a slime ball, etc. It's helpful but I do also appreciate female perspectives, which are lacking in real life. So thanks to all you ladies for chiming in! (All the men too - don't get me wrong, I appreciate everyone's perspective!)

 

One day at a time...

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RegretfulAlways

I am now at the 4 weeks post-BU point (complicated situation - actually an online affair, totally bad for me, etc. etc. I walked away from it, it's been hard, etc. ) I choked and broke NC two days ago, feeling bad, got no response from my ex, felt bad about it, but now trying to just get over it and move on.

 

So... yes, I know in my heart it's really over, no breaking NC, I need to be strong, etc.

 

This is going to sound silly but, here on the east coast of the US it's almost happy hour time on a Friday night. And although I had a great day at work - super busy, lots of things to keep me occupied, etc. - I suddenly just got REALLY depressed. It's relatively easy to keep myself busy at work, not stalk online, etc. during the weekdays, but now I'm facing another weekend and I am dreading it.

 

Does anyone else get this sense of depression on weekends, post BU? What do you do to get your mind off it, cheer yourself up, etc? I think weekends are a trigger for me because this is when I used to engage with my ex online, etc. Sigh.

 

Any coping tips would be most helpful. Thanks.

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RegretfulAlways

PS -I should also say that I'm secretly a bit worried about my drinking, especially post BU. So trying really hard to find a way to entertain myself that doesn't involve alcohol! Ugh...

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only you know what you like to do....movies, sports, gym,hell the list is endless...buy a puzzle....Reading would be hard if your mind is fixated but there is lots to do Im a movie buff so watching movies is a great time killer on the weekends...........I can spend hours on this site alone awesome therapy!!

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HeartbrokenNewbie

its not limited to the East Coast... the weekends and friday nights were always the hardest for me, then Sunday hits and gosh how depressing no more roast dinners, cuddling up, lazing about... all gone! its totally normal and I promise in time that becomes normal but you need to try and fill that time to get into a new routine and yes you are going to have to fake it until you feel it but, in time, you will be feeling it and not faking anymore :-) Ive had a lovely friday night went for a couple of drinks with a friend, came home cooked some food, now chatting, chilling, surfing the web and it feels normal... you will get there too. You have had a sudden change of routine and it takes a little while to bed in x

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