Jump to content

Surprise


Recommended Posts

So been with MM year and a half. He is married 35 years. Grandchild on the way. The longer it has gone on, the more open he is about it. This morning he was rubbing my back in public.

 

But here's the shocker: He told me he's leaving. He says its all fighting all the time at home and on July 15th he gets a big check and he's gone.

 

I kinda don't believe it, but that's what he said.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't believe the "just walking out the door" thing, specially not after a 35 year marriage. I am guessing when the date comes, there will be something that comes up as an excuse to why he can't leave. Even if he did leave, things wouldn't be over by July 15 - plenty of things to sort out.

 

July 15 is just around the corner, so you'll find out soon enough.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
So been with MM year and a half. He is married 35 years. Grandchild on the way. The longer it has gone on, the more open he is about it. This morning he was rubbing my back in public.

 

But here's the shocker: He told me he's leaving. He says its all fighting all the time at home and on July 15th he gets a big check and he's gone.

 

I kinda don't believe it, but that's what he said.

 

People say a lot of things.

 

Lots of MM say this...

 

I guess for me I read the title and expected something seriously game changing.

 

Him simply saying he's leaving on July 15th is underwhelming.

 

Where is he getting the big check from? Where is he leaving to? Is he gonna file for divorce or is he just gonna play hooky from home and then go back to teach his wife a lesson?

 

In any event, let us know what transpires on the 15th.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
So been with MM year and a half. He is married 35 years. Grandchild on the way. The longer it has gone on, the more open he is about it. This morning he was rubbing my back in public.

 

But here's the shocker: He told me he's leaving. He says its all fighting all the time at home and on July 15th he gets a big check and he's gone.

 

I kinda don't believe it, but that's what he said.

 

So on July 15 th he gets a big check, files for D -and promptly hands HALF that to his W - being as they would still married.

 

And, of course, I assume "leaving" means getting D. Yes?

 

Words are easier - actions not so much it seems. Time will tell.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jellybean89

Solo, why do you continue this game with him?

 

Why do you allow him to "rub your back" in public? I just don't understand this game you are playing with him.

 

You claim to feel guilt about what he is doing behind his wife's back, yet you encourage it and seem to get excited by it.

 

Why haven't you told him to get lost? Why are you okay with this?

 

He's an old man with moe y; you are a middle aged woman with money issues...do you think you will have financial security by being with him? Is that what all this is about?

 

You just really seem to get a rush out of it all and I'm trying to figure out why.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick

When did we stop loving people for how they are? Myself included. I got involved with a married man. I KNEW he was married! The only redeeming thing I can say is we never got physical, but that was because we couldn't (separate states) so it's not like I did anything out of nobility.

 

When he sent me a private message and started emailing me, didn't I think, 'this creep is being deceptive to the woman he took vows with!' ???? And in and of itself, that should have been the dealbreaker!! But it wasn't and all I thought was, oh I like him, I liked him in high school, he's paying attention to me. UGH!!! I didn't care one bit about his wife, who was being deceived!!! Shame on me!!!!

 

This man has a very long marriage under his belt and he has a grandchild on the way. If there is anytime he should be holding to his vows he made 35 years ago, this is one of those times. Rubbing your back in public?? This is a good sign for you? What a difference in thinking if the person who observed that back rubbing was his wife or his daughter who is about to give birth to his grandchild.

 

He's lying in the only way that counts to his wife: in his actions. He has been having sex with another woman for a year and a half. Do you think he tells her he has been? If she asked him, would he admit it? Your answer about him saying he's going to leave his wife once he gets a big check can be found in the answer to the previous questions.

 

I wish women, myself included, had the backs of fellow women. The guy I got involved with hurt me (emotionally). That's my fault, still, he hurt me. He hurt his wife although as of yet, she doesn't know, as far as I know. His wife hasn't met me, but still the fact remains: she hasn't done a damn thing to me. Yet I helped to screw her over while giving this 'man' a cheap thrill. I was nothing to him. I hate to say it, if you're something special to this man, what does that make the woman he's been married to for 35 years?

 

It's time we women started looking out for each other and not stabbing each other in the back.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well, that 35 year marriage has not been a blissful one. They have separated in the past and they do fight a lot.

 

Here is the extent of the conversation. The reason my response was so minor is because I was actually very shocked to hear it. Back at the beginning of our affair, when he was over the moon in limerance he told me he was going to leave her for me. Then later he said he could not, it would hurt too many people, and he just didn't have the heart to hurt them.

 

Anyway, we were in his car driving to a destination. He was telling me how angry he was at his wife because she is insisting on putting in a $15,000 pool when they live steps from the beach, she's afraid of water, but most of all, he doesn't want to but it will be him who will have to maintain it and that's a tremendous amount of work. Then he said "we're rowing all the time".

 

I jokingly said: "You sound like you need to rent a cottage for a couple of weeks".

 

He said, with gritted teeth: "No. I'm just ****ing off."

 

I said "Really?"

 

He said "Yes. I can not WAIT for July 15th to roll around."

 

At that point we were at our destination. While we were in our meeting he was openly rubbing my back as if to say its out and I don't care who knows.

 

On July 15 he gets a substantial cheque as the first installment of a major contract that he has.

 

I don't get a kick out of this. This relationship causes me pain. I know everyone on LS hates him, but I love him and I truly believe he loves me. I know these relationships are complicated but I am very attached to him at this stage and can't imagine not having him in my life. I won't use the word "soulmate" but we have a lot in common and the same sense of humor and even come from the same town, which the world used to look down on.

 

And no, its not the money. There's plenty of men with money around.

 

And no, I am not holding my breath. I'll believe it when I see it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
So been with MM year and a half. He is married 35 years. Grandchild on the way. The longer it has gone on, the more open he is about it. This morning he was rubbing my back in public.

 

But here's the shocker: He told me he's leaving. He says its all fighting all the time at home and on July 15th he gets a big check and he's gone.

 

I kinda don't believe it, but that's what he said.

 

So his wife will get half of everything, including that big cheque, his pension and let's not forget about the HUGE fallout of him leaving his wife with a grandchild on the way. Boy, talk about drama and pain that will soon happen..That is, IF he actually follows through on this. Saying it is one thing, actually doing it is another.

And no, its not the money. There's plenty of men with money around.

Solo, he won't have any money to give you or spend on you anyway once his wife is done with him in court! 35 years is a long time and a big history to move on from.

 

Wish you luck though, even if he does actually leave, doesn't mean anything until divorce papers are signed and done.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

The assets will be split 50/50. That is the law where I live, no fault.

 

She had a big career too so she has her own pension. She can take half of his but he can take half of hers, so that's just stupid and any lawyer would tell her so.

 

She would get half the cheque but the check is pretty big so that's doable. She would get one quarter of the business but the business is very lucrative. Or, he could sell which he is already thinking of doing.

 

He just seems like he is fed up. He's been acting fed up for a while, complaining about what's going on at home.

 

She suspects the affair and is acting very clingy. When she's not shopping and spending as much money as she can.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, that 35 year marriage has not been a blissful one. They have separated in the past and they do fight a lot.

 

Here is the extent of the conversation. The reason my response was so minor is because I was actually very shocked to hear it. Back at the beginning of our affair, when he was over the moon in limerance he told me he was going to leave her for me. Then later he said he could not, it would hurt too many people, and he just didn't have the heart to hurt them.

 

Anyway, we were in his car driving to a destination. He was telling me how angry he was at his wife because she is insisting on putting in a $15,000 pool when they live steps from the beach, she's afraid of water, but most of all, he doesn't want to but it will be him who will have to maintain it and that's a tremendous amount of work. Then he said "we're rowing all the time".

 

I jokingly said: "You sound like you need to rent a cottage for a couple of weeks".

 

He said, with gritted teeth: "No. I'm just ****ing off."

 

I said "Really?"

 

He said "Yes. I can not WAIT for July 15th to roll around."

 

At that point we were at our destination. While we were in our meeting he was openly rubbing my back as if to say its out and I don't care who knows.

 

On July 15 he gets a substantial cheque as the first installment of a major contract that he has.

 

I don't get a kick out of this. This relationship causes me pain. I know everyone on LS hates him, but I love him and I truly believe he loves me. I know these relationships are complicated but I am very attached to him at this stage and can't imagine not having him in my life. I won't use the word "soulmate" but we have a lot in common and the same sense of humor and even come from the same town, which the world used to look down on.

 

And no, its not the money. There's plenty of men with money around.

 

And no, I am not holding my breath. I'll believe it when I see it.

 

Why is it such a shock to you when it's happened before?

 

He already knows he can have you whether he's married or not so you obviously don't factor into his decision..so what is it that makes this time different from the other times they've separated?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's acting clingy with her husband of 35 years ! Nothing wrong with that .

 

Neither with her shopping or spending whatever amount of money, hers or her husbands .

 

It seems like you have been fed enough lies by your MM for you to see his wife in such bad light .

 

If they've been fighting for 35 years and he hasn't walked , what will change on July 15 ?

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
So been with MM year and a half. He is married 35 years. Grandchild on the way. The longer it has gone on, the more open he is about it. This morning he was rubbing my back in public.

 

But here's the shocker: He told me he's leaving. He says its all fighting all the time at home and on July 15th he gets a big check and he's gone.

 

I kinda don't believe it, but that's what he said.

 

Hope it works out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I actually don't think its about me.

 

He told me, before we started our affair, that he has wanted to leave most of the marriage but he was afraid to be alone.

 

The way he described it was he got married because it was the thing to do and he wasn't even sure if he loved her then. But he was dutiful. He said he has never felt love like he feels it with me.

 

And as far as what I'm in this for: I thought about it today. It is NOT money because I am not a material person. It is because we laugh our heads off when we're together and never run out of things to say. Because we like the same music and we like the same things. And he tells me things about his wife because he tells me everything - - - like he's been dying to talk to someone who listens to him. We talk about his day and mine.

 

As far as his age: he may be 65 but he does not look it or act like it. He had some health problems last fall but they were the kind of health problems a person of any age could get. He starts work at 7:30 a.m. and works till 6 p.m. I don't know where he gets his energy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you read some threads here, he's using some pretty standard lines with you .

He might even mean them or really want it to happen but till it doesn't happen, it doesn't .

What are you going to do if he comes up with some excuse on July 15? ( very likely).

Link to post
Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick
Well, that 35 year marriage has not been a blissful one. They have separated in the past and they do fight a lot.

 

How do YOU know it hasn't been blissful? Anyway, NO marriage is 'blissful', doesn't give us the right to interfere in them. And they SEPARATED, they didn't divorce. You KNOW he is married.

 

Here is the extent of the conversation. The reason my response was so minor is because I was actually very shocked to hear it. Back at the beginning of our affair, when he was over the moon in limerance he told me he was going to leave her for me.

 

Were you hoping he would leave her?

 

Then later he said he could not, it would hurt too many people, and he just didn't have the heart to hurt them.

 

I would have begged to differ with him, based on HIS actions. He WAS and IS hurting them, and he knows it, and you know it. He was lying to you when he said that. Every time you have sex with him, he is knowingly hurting his wife because for his own pleasure he is deceiving her. You shouldn't accept this. If he leaves her for you, he will be opening up a position for his next mistress. Oh, I'm sorry, do you think he won't?

 

Anyway, we were in his car driving to a destination. He was telling me how angry he was at his wife because she is insisting on putting in a $15,000 pool when they live steps from the beach, she's afraid of water, but most of all, he doesn't want to but it will be him who will have to maintain it and that's a tremendous amount of work. Then he said "we're rowing all the time".

 

My God, she sounds awful <sarc>. So what??? She wants a pool with clean water and, wait, THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! Who cares if she wants three pools! It's not your business and he's a ninny for whining about something so stupid to you, or anyone!

 

I jokingly said: "You sound like you need to rent a cottage for a couple of weeks".

 

He said, with gritted teeth: "No. I'm just ****ing off."

 

I said "Really?"

 

He said "Yes. I can not WAIT for July 15th to roll around."

 

He sounds like quite the catch. I'm sure if he leaves his wife for you he will suddenly become a completely trustworthy fellow. :rolleyes:

 

At that point we were at our destination. While we were in our meeting he was openly rubbing my back as if to say its out and I don't care who knows.

 

Wait, what happened to him not being able to hurt his family???

 

On July 15 he gets a substantial cheque as the first installment of a major contract that he has.

 

His wife and family have a right to know this information if he is keeping it from them. If he tries to also screw his wife out of a portion of money he was able to earn while married to her, and you stay with him, you are doubly wrong.

 

I don't get a kick out of this. This relationship causes me pain.

 

Then end it based on that alone. It should be because you know he's a cheater, but I think we've already figured out that that really doesn't matter to you.

 

I know everyone on LS hates him, but I love him and I truly believe he loves me.

 

He's not lovable. He's a liar and is lying to the very people he took vows with. He, and you aren't making a mistake. At one time, his wife felt the very same thing you say you are feeling, that she feels he loves her. If only she knew.

 

I know these relationships are complicated but I am very attached to him at this stage and can't imagine not having him in my life. I won't use the word "soulmate" but we have a lot in common and the same sense of humor and even come from the same town, which the world used to look down on.

 

I am sorry that you chose to keep involving yourself with a married man, but no matter how deep your feelings are for him, you still have no right to him. What do you mean by stage? As in, it's too late to back out? To walk away? I wonder if you feel the same about him and his wife after THIRTY FIVE years together?? What is that stage?? You need to start imagining life without him because to only believe that you are entitled to him, means you are perfectly willing to thrust his wife out into the world alone, without her husband, having to face the grief and getting over whatever feelings SHE has for her husband, based on him leaving her for another woman. Is that what you want to do?

 

And no, its not the money. There's plenty of men with money around.

 

I believe you are in love with him, and I'm sorry that you should have to go through with the pain of cutting him off and leaving him alone, but I think that is the only thing you should do. I did it, and I know anyone can do it. It's painful, but you're already in pain. I doubt he is at all. He's got two women to provide him with anything he wants, food, sex, whatever. Who do you have? Him? You really should wake up and cut him off. You've got to realize, if he would betray his long-standing wife like this, what would he do to you?

 

And no, I am not holding my breath. I'll believe it when I see it.

 

Don't worry about him anymore. Worry only about you. Even if cutting him off upsets him, he will live. So will you. He's trying to entice you to keep it up with him by dangling money in your face. How disgusting is that, on top of everything else he is doing? Is this what your worth??

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites

If he has so much energy, why is maintaining a pool so hard for him??

 

Couples have agreements and disagreements about all sorts of things . She is his wife of 35 years! The happiest of couples will have their arguments .

 

You say LS seems to hate this guy . No one has a personal vendetta against him . But it's pretty obvious that he's using some pretty standard lines to keep the A going .

 

Let us kno what happens on July 15 . Right now , you're making so many excuses for his dishonest behavior , I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heartache .

 

I'm an xMW by the way and I remember the bs I fed my OM ...

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

July 15th rolls around, has he told you of any plans after that? Immediate filing for divorce? Is he going to move in with you right away? If he leaves he'll need somewhere to stay. I hope you tell him to stay with a friend or be at a hotel. Even if they do divorce, 35 years of marriage includes habits, a whole lifestyle and comfort level he's been used to, nobody should jump out of a marriage and pop into another relationship and start a new life with someone else. That's just asking for trouble. People need to be on their own for a while after a break up. And, sadly his is going to be painful, I said it earlier, the fallout will be huge. The timing of it all too, with his daughter about to give birth to their first grandchild. HE will miss out on many firsts and family occasions.

 

One thing I don't understand, how quickly he can say one thing and then change his mind and say the opposite. This is why I hope you don't put much faith into July 15th. Sounds like he's talking with two mouths and in a few days he'll change his mind again.

 

Question is, what will you do if July 15th rolls around and he can't leave?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess that I'll check back in on July 15th to find out the latest.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, that 35 year marriage has not been a blissful one. They have separated in the past and they do fight a lot.

 

Here is the extent of the conversation. The reason my response was so minor is because I was actually very shocked to hear it. Back at the beginning of our affair, when he was over the moon in limerance he told me he was going to leave her for me. Then later he said he could not, it would hurt too many people, and he just didn't have the heart to hurt them.

 

Anyway, we were in his car driving to a destination. He was telling me how angry he was at his wife because she is insisting on putting in a $15,000 pool when they live steps from the beach, she's afraid of water, but most of all, he doesn't want to but it will be him who will have to maintain it and that's a tremendous amount of work. Then he said "we're rowing all the time".

 

I jokingly said: "You sound like you need to rent a cottage for a couple of weeks".

 

He said, with gritted teeth: "No. I'm just ****ing off."

 

I said "Really?"

 

He said "Yes. I can not WAIT for July 15th to roll around."

 

At that point we were at our destination. While we were in our meeting he was openly rubbing my back as if to say its out and I don't care who knows.

 

On July 15 he gets a substantial cheque as the first installment of a major contract that he has.

 

I don't get a kick out of this. This relationship causes me pain. I know everyone on LS hates him, but I love him and I truly believe he loves me. I know these relationships are complicated but I am very attached to him at this stage and can't imagine not having him in my life. I won't use the word "soulmate" but we have a lot in common and the same sense of humor and even come from the same town, which the world used to look down on.

 

And no, its not the money. There's plenty of men with money around.

 

And no, I am not holding my breath. I'll believe it when I see it.

 

Solo...I guess I'm just really obtuse.

 

I don't see anything in here where he openly states "I'm leaving my wife and filing on July 15th"?

 

He may have...very indirectly...IMPLIED such a thing, but I don't see anything CLEARLY INDICATING that this was his plan.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Solo...I guess I'm just really obtuse.

 

I don't see anything in here where he openly states "I'm leaving my wife and filing on July 15th"?

 

He may have...very indirectly...IMPLIED such a thing, but I don't see anything CLEARLY INDICATING that this was his plan.

 

 

 

I don't see it either.

 

 

OP if he were really planning to leave don't you think he'd have a lot more to say about it. July 15th is just two weeks away, he should be planning out where he is going live, how he is going to tell his family and friends, getting packed etc. I would think he would have a lot more to say about it to you if this was really his plan.

 

 

It sounds like just before you saw him he was in a argument with his wife so he was angry with her and running off at the mouth. Even the rubbing your back in public, which you see as open display of affection towards you, seems more like an act of hostility towards his wife to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ya this morning he told me he was going to stay with his newly divorced brother. MM bought the brother a house a couple of months ago so he'd have somewhere to live with his kids - and its big enough to hold big brother.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He never loved her but he's been with her for 35 years with kids and grandkids. Yeah, this guy is a master bullish*tter. And unfortunately you're falling for it over and over again, IMO. I don't think I even have to know you well enough to say you deserve better.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, that 35 year marriage has not been a blissful one. They have separated in the past and they do fight a lot.

 

Here is the extent of the conversation. The reason my response was so minor is because I was actually very shocked to hear it. Back at the beginning of our affair, when he was over the moon in limerance he told me he was going to leave her for me. Then later he said he could not, it would hurt too many people, and he just didn't have the heart to hurt them.

 

Anyway, we were in his car driving to a destination. He was telling me how angry he was at his wife because she is insisting on putting in a $15,000 pool when they live steps from the beach, she's afraid of water, but most of all, he doesn't want to but it will be him who will have to maintain it and that's a tremendous amount of work. Then he said "we're rowing all the time".

 

I jokingly said: "You sound like you need to rent a cottage for a couple of weeks".

 

He said, with gritted teeth: "No. I'm just ****ing off."

 

I said "Really?"

 

He said "Yes. I can not WAIT for July 15th to roll around."

 

At that point we were at our destination. While we were in our meeting he was openly rubbing my back as if to say its out and I don't care who knows.

 

On July 15 he gets a substantial cheque as the first installment of a major contract that he has.

 

I don't get a kick out of this. This relationship causes me pain. I know everyone on LS hates him, but I love him and I truly believe he loves me. I know these relationships are complicated but I am very attached to him at this stage and can't imagine not having him in my life. I won't use the word "soulmate" but we have a lot in common and the same sense of humor and even come from the same town, which the world used to look down on.

 

And no, its not the money. There's plenty of men with money around.

 

And no, I am not holding my breath. I'll believe it when I see it.

 

The full details make it sound worst, sorry.

 

Fight over a pool?

 

Now on the 15th he is leaving and rubbing your back means he doesn't care who knows?

 

It all seems so ridiculous. Married people fight or argue over things all the time...and this fight over a pool doesn't sound like the straw that broke the camel's back. He sounds like the kind of MM who uses the OW as a sounding board to complain about their wives, get pity, sex and love and then stay married to this horrible pool-wanter. It's extremely cliched. So many OW esp those whose MM are older and have been married upwards of 20 years, on LS I can't recall any case where they left, they just stayed with their wives and then complained about petty stuff to the OW who tried to support and who acted like the MM's life was falling apart because he and his wife of 35 years argue about pools or other things.

 

No marriage is perfect....and some marriages need dissolving but many people never do and when they have 35 years of it under their belt and haven't left yet, chances are they never will. If nothing else, the fear of the unknown will outweigh anything else, as they know this other person in and out and have security of 35 years with them and they are only getting older starting over, divorcing and all the fallout doesn't at all sound appealing.

 

LS hates him? I don't know him but the situation sounds like a mess and you sound like a mess about it. You're attached to him but healthy love and simply being attached so you don't want to face the pain of detachment aren't the same things. You sound like you're in the latter case, that this causes you more drama and pain than anything else but you justify staying because of "love" when it's fear of the pain of detaching because you've grown accustomed to him and this situation and for whatever reason would rather endure this drama and be with a man you have to complain about than be done with him. Some look down on BSs for staying with the WS or criticize their sham marriage or non-blissful marriage (although no one lives in constant bliss) yet often OW are just the same...with a MM who for years isn't leaving, is making stuff up, year after year they continue and are hurt by them, but their reason for staying is stated as love, and is often, "I'm attached by now, I've given so much of my time and invested so much of my hope in this MM, that by darn I'm gonna stay with him because the pain of leaving seems worse than the pain of staying and being disappointed time and again."

Edited by MissBee
  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...