Jump to content

xMM wants to call me


Recommended Posts

I broke up with him 4 months ago, he always said he'd come after me and separate, but has since done nothing besides messaging me telling me how much he misses me, asking if I'm seeing someone, where I'll be going for holiday and giving me absolutely nothing in return while his life remains exactly the same (keeping up his crappy behaviour from what I realise too). I have not been responsive to those messages except for a few when I asked about his mother and son - we are related, very distant cousins.

 

So I'm 4 months out of the affair, been having a hard time but most days are ok and never for a second regretted ending it, even when I cry and feel down etc. For the past days I've been feeling increasingly better, until yesterday he left me a message saying "i would like to call you one of these days".

 

Well, I do not feel like talking to him at all. At first I was afraid it would only set me back - and that's a possibility, but even if I am in a strong place and I'm not falling for his bull-sh*t, I don't see how the conversation can go well. I can tell he doesn't wanna call me so that he tells me he's gonna separate or apologise for what he's done (to him, he's a victim of the circumstances!!) - he's just missing me and will say he misses me, that I disappeared on him, etc etc, too selfish to realise the harm he done me and to take responsibility for his actions. He turned my life into a living hell and even if at the time he didn't meant to, he's grown up and so he shoud know he should just let me go and hold himself accountable for what happened. Oh, but nope. this is all about him and his needs. Just the thought that in order for him to call me he would have to wait until she leaves the house sickens me.

 

BUT, while I do think people must live with the consequences of their actions, I also am a person who finds trouble in saying "no" (which is what got me in this situation in the first place). If I refuse to talk to him, all the more reason for him to blame me and the circumstances ("I was gonna leave IF you hadn't turned your back on me", etc). On the other hand, we haven't talked in 4 months. I don't know if he still expects something from me and so maybe in a sense the call would be a way of coming across like the person who is not buying his *** anymore. In a "I don't wish you harm, but stay away from me, it's over" sense. Like closing a chapter (because I don't want nothing left unsaid as that will keep him trying - besides we are distant family so inevitably I'll hear if not from him, about him, from time to time). I want SO MUCH to put this behind my back and for him to stop trying.

 

Please tell me what to do. Do I ignore his message, do I ask him not to call me, do I talk to him and then I can see this is finally over and done with? (in case you're wondering I am not going back to the affair, not ever,. I just want him to realise I'm over this and I'm moving on).

 

Thank you :)

Edited by C00kie
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ignore him.

 

His situation hasn't changed.

 

Only speak to him if he divorces AND it becomes final.

 

He just wants an ego stroke.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ignore him.

 

His situation hasn't changed.

 

Only speak to him if he divorces AND it becomes final.

 

He just wants an ego stroke.

 

The thing is even if he did get a divorce, it would be too late. He hurt me too much and he proved to be a person that I wouldn't want by my side.

 

I'm also afraid that if I ignore him he'll keep trying.

 

He misses me and all that, but he misses what I could provide him. Giving me nothing in return except when it suits him. And even then it was just pretty words, breadcrumbs. I'm sooo over this. :) but I want him to stop. His message ruined my day yesterday.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are confident his missing words wont make you want to go back, and you seem done with the whole dynamic...do what works for you.

 

 

NC is NC as long as it makes sense for you to move on. You have. It might be worth taking that call and put him through hell so he realizes things have changed. Plus its sometimes good to get things off your chest.

 

 

All the times ive read about conversations at your point where the other practically told in clear terms to go eff off and there were no affectionate topics, the guy hasn't come back. They come back to feel good, if thats not the case...they wont.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

All the times ive read about conversations at your point where the other practically told in clear terms to go eff off and there were no affectionate topics, the guy hasn't come back. They come back to feel good, if thats not the case...they wont.

 

There haven't been affectionate topics for the last 4 months and he still comes back... ::(

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
So I'm 4 months out of the affair, been having a hard time but most days are ok and never for a second regretted ending it, even when I cry and feel down etc. For the past days I've been feeling increasingly better, until yesterday he left me a message saying "i would like to call you one of these days".

 

Cookie, you need to block him. Email, cell, instant message, facebook etc.

 

Cut off any way he can contact you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would absolutely NOT entertain him.

 

You allowing him to call you won't send any message to his mind except that you still have feelings and he can be persistent and weasel his way back in.

 

Continue being serious and taking care of you. If he wants to blame you, let him! That's complete bull!

 

I wouldn't respond to his text frankly. If he had anything mind blowing to say he'd have said "I'm getting a divorced can I call" or he'd email and scan the paper work as proof before asking to call. But you already know all he wants is an ego stroke to and to keep getting what he gets from you....and he does NOT deserve it!

 

Please don't give him that space.....just ignore him. If you can block his number, do so.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess

Lately I've been wishing my xMM would contact me just so I could have the chance to reject HIM!

 

Clearly I'm not in a place where I can understand what it's like to feel truly moved on with absolutely no lingering hope of getting back together, so my advice of course is just stay NC.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Lots of good advice here.

 

I am 4 months out and I'm thinking it's not that long to recover from such a traumatic experience. I still have my moments. Just two weeks ago I was crying myself to sleep. Some days are better than others. I'm not completely recovered, emotionally speaking, although I know I'd never go back to being the OW again.

 

I guess I could only talk to him when there are no feelings at all; when more time has passed by. And even so, I would keep in casual.

 

I know what he's gonna say if he calls me. I know he most likely will cry as soon as he listens to my voice. Which, of course, will move me and bring me down, even if I'm not buying his bull anymore. So you're right. I'm not allowing him to call me. Kind of breaks my heart to do this to him. I must be stupid. He's hurt me so much and he never felt that bad about it. Yet, I beat myself up for something that it's not even my fault.

 

This time I'm doing it right. I won't let him stop me from healing. Two years of my life are gone with him.

 

No more.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I just replied him that I don't think the time is right for us to speak and the conversation would not benefit any of us. I ended with "hope you understand. take care".

 

Breaks my heart. But I know I did the right thing. I wish he hadn't forced me to do this. If only he had kept his communication casual.

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
I just replied him that I don't think the time is right for us to speak and the conversation would not benefit any of us. I ended with "hope you understand. take care".

 

Breaks my heart. But I know I did the right thing. I wish he hadn't forced me to do this. If only he had kept his communication casual.

 

I wish you hadn't done that. His communication won't end nor will it be casual. He doesn't really care and hasn't thought of how you'd feel by hearing from him.

 

Also, no casual friendship can happen a year from now once you're over him. What's the point? Any friendship is damaging to his marriage, and he'll take advantage, cross lines again. The friendship wouldn't be a healthy one for you either, he'll be in your mind all over again.

 

Can you block him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I wish you hadn't done that. His communication won't end nor will it be casual. He doesn't really care and hasn't thought of how you'd feel by hearing from him.

 

Also, no casual friendship can happen a year from now once you're over him. What's the point? Any friendship is damaging to his marriage, and he'll take advantage, cross lines again. The friendship wouldn't be a healthy one for you either, he'll be in your mind all over again.

 

Can you block him?

 

I just wanted to set the record straight...I did and I'm sticking to it. I don't want to be friends with him - where did you get that idea?

 

In 4 months I have been non responsive and he kept insisting. Now I was crystal clear. So I think it was the right thing to do...I'm leaving it at that. I'm standing my ground and I hope I can overcome this. It's not easy but somehow I hope I get there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If he has notleft his wife in 2 years,he wont ,believe me

 

If he would,at least these 4 months would make him make that decision..but they he did not.He just wants to have the cake and eat it

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If he has notleft his wife in 2 years,he wont ,believe me

 

If he would,at least these 4 months would make him make that decision..but they he did not.He just wants to have the cake and eat it

 

I know. That's why I broke up. Not going back there. Ever!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I know. That's why I broke up. Not going back there. Ever!

 

Been in a similar situation,he gave me false hopes for almost 2 years-First few months after i ended it were a living hell for me,but it got better.I am better now

 

And guess what,once his wife found out on her own he did everything to make her forgive him.Most affairs have a bad ending its just fact

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
I just wanted to set the record straight...I did and I'm sticking to it. I don't want to be friends with him - where did you get that idea?

 

In 4 months I have been non responsive and he kept insisting. Now I was crystal clear. So I think it was the right thing to do...I'm leaving it at that. I'm standing my ground and I hope I can overcome this. It's not easy but somehow I hope I get there.

 

 

I guess I could only talk to him when there are no feelings at all; when more time has passed by. And even so, I would keep in casual.

 

Just going by what you said.. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just going by what you said.. :)

 

I meant hipotethically (considering we're family - third cousins or something like that - I might not be able to avoid seeing him again someday if he ever comes to visit family. Hopefully, when/if that happens, I want to be in a position where I won't find it so troubling to say hi to him).

Link to post
Share on other sites
Friskyone4u

It's simple. He wants sex from you again. That is why he is wanting contact with you again. If you do not stay away, it will probably happen.

Just ignore him

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's simple. He wants sex from you again. That is why he is wanting contact with you again. If you do not stay away, it will probably happen.

Just ignore him

 

We're very long distance. That's not why he keeps contacting me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Please tell me what to do. Do I ignore his message, do I ask him not to call me, do I talk to him and then I can see this is finally over and done with? (in case you're wondering I am not going back to the affair, not ever,. I just want him to realise I'm over this and I'm moving on).

 

Thank you :)

 

I think you tell him....ONCE...exactly what you said in the last sentence, pretty much that bluntly and succinctly.

 

"It's over, I'm moving on. Do not contact me again."

 

If he does so again...he gets one more warning.

 

"I told you it's done, and to stop contacting me. Next contact, I will forward on to your wife, and/or the rest of the family."

 

If he does so again...you already know what to do. But...I HIGHLY doubt it goes that far.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...