NC: Still miss him terribly

[NotSoInnocent]

I had a 6 month affair with a MOM, and it is now over. And I still miss him terribly.

 

I'm married, but my goal was always to divorce my husband. Finances make that difficult, but I am slowly working on it. In the meanwhile, I was tired of a sexless marriage, and wanted to have a thing... Problem is that I met someone that I didn't expect to. The guy I would want to be with if we were both available.

 

As for him, he was married 5 years, but in a LDR for 6 years. They had been together around 14 years. His goal was to try for them to get jobs in the same area, but they hadn't been successful yet. In 6 years. (!!) In addition, his sex life with her was really bad, even when they were together. But he was happy with the marriage, and was willing to put up with an unfullfilling sexlife for an otherwise good marriage. (That always made me laugh. His marriage was clearly as broken as mine was - he was sleeping with me! - but he wanted to get back with her and live up to his commitment with her. River-in-Egypt, and all that...)

 

Anyway, although we both went into it "just for sex," I fell for him. And he always said that the chemistry between us was good because we actually had a connection. We had a lot in common, were both on many of the same wavelengths, similar [unusual] jobs. I do believe he genuine liked me - but certainly not enough to leave his wife. And I never asked him to.

 

Honestly, he was always very clear about that, and that I was always going to be something on the side. Always. Until they were together again. I cannot fault him for being honest with me about my role. But he told me that it could still be meaningful, even if temporary and undefined. I framed it in my mind as summer abroad romance - you know it's going to end when you go home, but it can still be great while it happens.

 

Well, suddenly he gets a job offer and is to move out to her. It was like a freight train hit me. I wasn't ready for that, even though I knew it would happen. Even if I secretly wished he'd "come to his senses" (HA! That River again...), I really knew the deal...

 

Anyway, he was clear that it was over, that we would never see each other again. But he did have some feelings for me, even if they weren't the same I had for him. And he'd miss me. And was sorry he hurt me. And that in some ways he was hurting too.

 

Well, it's been 6 weeks of non-contact. Our last time, I asked if we needed to have a NC situation, or if it was ok to keep in contact. He said there was no reason we couldn't keep in contact. That seemed odd to me that he'd agree. But I think he might have agreed to almost anything, to keep me from freaking out as I walked out the door.

 

I know it's over. He's not contacted me. And I ultimately decided never to contact him first, even though I miss him terribly. Sometimes I check his FB page, etc. I think about him all the time. But I know it's done. I won't fight a fight I can't win.

 

I feel like everything he said was just to keep me happy, so I wouldn't blow his secret. (I wouldn't anyway.)

 

More than that, I am hurt that he used me as a filler. I went into it looking for a filler, I guess, but my feelings changed. And so did his, too. Just not as much. And he wasn't ready to leave her.

 

I guess I am really frustrated as to why I would miss someone who really didn't treat me well. I mean I really miss him! But I can't bear to even send him a note; I don't want to be the pathetic woman who doesn't get that no is no, over is over.

 

I fantasize about him contacting me, or that he will realize his marriage is broken, and... well, you all know the fantasy...

 

Just feeling really broken.

 

Trying to work on my own marriage situation now that my distraction-turned-flame is over. But that's hard, too.

 

I hate this. Affairs? NEVER again. Stupid. More than just the moral issue, but the fact that it just hurts, and can do nothing else but hurt....

[adna89]

His marriage is not broken,he just needed sex more often than he could get it from his wife(long distance).He was even honest about it.

 

He LOVES her,he never even considered leaving her for you,the fact she was far away prooves that love even stronger.

 

Most men make a clear difference between sex and love,you and him fit perfect sexually speaking...but that does not change the fact the wife is his love

 

 

As for you,i know how hard it can be,but it gets over,sooner or later(and i had a hard time getting over him but i did).My situation was more complicated,it lasted almost 2 years and he never was honest about his feelings...he said he loved me ,sees a future with me..yours was at least honest

Edited June 25, 2014 by adna89

[gettingstronger]

Great reflection- I think it will just take time-you appear to have all the tools to heal-its just time and distance from the situation that you are lacking-

 

Take care-

[MatchStick]

NotsoInnocent: Wow! Kind of a real bummer situation!! In the end, you'll see that this guy isn't worth all the emotion. This guy does like you. I'm not sure if he is truelly in love with his wife or not, BUT......his life with her is his priority. His investment, plans, finances, lifestyle, future plans.......all with her whether or not his sex-life with her rocks or not. And what is this bull about fulfulling his commitment to her? He's sleeping with you but 'Mr. Noble' to her? I am thinking his investment in you will always be minimal, and its nothing personal. He had his sights on the brass ring, and he's not going to want a huge emotional conflict. And maybe you being married worked well for him because he could walk off, and know you might be worse for wear but not flat-out torn up. Dimes to dollars, this guy is going to cheat on W again (and again).

 

It's OK to miss them. It's OK to think of them coming on back someday. (and would that change anything?). NC just may be very good, giving you a chance to strengthen your boundaries, and maybe settle your own self and situations out for awhile. I am 6 months NC. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair that I had the right intentions and am not reaping rewards for it. I'm in the wrong relation for that, and you might want to consider that is what you might be in for. Time and energy into a person who is giving back a fragment, and saving the best for another. (Just remember, its not a reflection on you, but that is the way it will feel). You will always have that third person, wife, in the background having more of an influence of the two of you than you will yourself in your own R. Good luck, and I hope NC works well, and much joy is around the corner.

[NotSoInnocent]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. It's good to tell my story, even in this abbreviated form.

 

I actually write to him often - to get it out of my system. Then I just send the note to myself. It sits there in my inbox. If I ever feel like sending it, it's there. I don't. But if nothing else it provides me the chance to just keep up the "conversation." Maybe that sounds strange, but it gets me through the night.

 

Oh, his marriage was broken. I told him that. I also told him that the difference between us was that I was done trying to fix mine, and he wanted to fix his.

 

Certainly, there's more to the story. Not to give away too many details, of course (although I doubt he'd ever read this. Or anyone else he knows, either).

 

You know, I don't think I ever heard him talk about love with her. That could have been to spare my feelings. He talked about her being someone he cared for. I am sure they are in love, but I am also sure that he is nervous. If they spent their entire married life apart, with just some times together?

 

At one point when he was upset that he was giving up his life here (he didn't want to move to her location, but wanted to be with her here), I consoled him and tried to help him see the positive. I mentioned that he was going to be with the woman he adored. He said that he wasn't so sure about that. Adored her, when he was with me? Not that he was in love with me or anything, but he was obviously having some issues. He mentioned he liked living his bachelor life. And the most amazing part was that even though he took the job to be with her, he was ALSO in the process of negotiating keeping his job here on hold. A Plan B, if you will. WTF? He's working on a Plan B? An exit strategy?

 

I never got to find out if that Plan B was ever negotiated. I assume not. I mean, that's a hard thing to negotiate. I guess it's hard for me, not knowing if in a year or two will I bump into him because he's back in town.

 

One of the things that I can imagine is also a part of this is that they were together for years before he moved for work. But they have tons of personal and professional friends together. Their lives were in some ways completely intertwined. For him to walk away or not go out to her when an offer came in would make him look like the bad guy. So his goal was to be with her, but in some ways he really liked his life apart from her.

 

And he genuinely does love her companionship. I don't know her, but she's probably fun and great and all that. Ok. Maybe she's not sensual and sexual, but in all other ways wonderful. And they have no kids, so their time together is fun and like being on vacation! What's not to love.

 

It also just bums me out that I am also fun and great and all that... with the added bonus of being the one he has chemistry with.

 

Maybe he will realize that living with someone is different than being with them part time. Even though they lived together for years, I think he grew apart in some ways. But he's not going to let that get in his way. To be fair, I understand his feeling of needing to give his marriage a fighting chance with them living together.

 

But I also think he may be committed, but unsure. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

And yes. Me being married was the reason he even started things with me. A single person is a liability. He didn't want me to catch feelings. I don't think he wanted to. But he was better about compartmentalizing, and not even letting that be a possibility. To be honest, early on, I knew he wanted it that way, so I held back a lot from him, too.

 

He probably doesn't even know me, to be honest, as I don't really know him.

 

But, then again, I am not even sure if he really knows himself...

 

*sigh*

[NotSoInnocent]

No one can ever tell you how long it will take to get over someone. I do not think I will ever get over this. I do not think MM will either. It all depends on the relationship and the intensity. Be glad it wasn't six years like mine. NC is hell and it is only a week but I am used to crying that's for sure, Can you get used to being miserable??.

 

There are some people in our lives that never leave us, but we have to learn to move on.

 

The choice is to move on or not move on. And not moving on is too painful. So moving on it must be.

 

It's hard. I wish you peace in this new part of your journey of life.

[whichwayisup]

He is broken, not his marriage. Big difference. Anyway it really doesn't matter because he never had any intention of leaving and divorcing his wife. You knew this going in, he never made future faking promises to you that you two would end up together. You let your emotions and mind run with that hoping he'd wake up and choose you. He did choose...Himself! He did what he thought was best for him at the time, having an A.

 

Sorry that you got hurt but putting all the blame on him and feeling used by him is something you allowed and you also used him too, each of you filled a need that was missing. Own your part in this, it takes two to tango.

 

I hope you're able to grieve the loss and move past this so you can either focus on fixing your own marriage or put a plan together so you can divorce your husband.

[NotSoInnocent]

Sorry that you got hurt but putting all the blame on him and feeling used by him is something you allowed and you also used him too, each of you filled a need that was missing. Own your part in this, it takes two to tango.

 

 

Um, it's hard to respond to this. Not that I am not willing to see my own role. Rather, it's hard to respond to this because I never said I wasn't an active participant. I mean, look at my own name I chose for myself to post this under...

 

Yet, it's still possible to feel used even if I allowed it to happen because the alternative (not seeing him again) wasn't something I wanted at the time.

 

I don't completely blame him. I think I was pretty even in my story. And we both got something out of it. Just reflecting on how it hurts me now.

Edited June 25, 2014 by NotSoInnocent
adding info

[MatchStick]

Hey NotSoInnoncent, You stated: You know, I don't think I ever heard him talk about love with her. That could have been to spare my feelings. He talked about her being someone he cared for. I am sure they are in love, but I am also sure that he is nervous. If they spent their entire married life apart, with just some times together?

 

If your xMM didn't talk about love for his W, perhaps it wasn't all about sparing your feelings. His real motivation might have been what I thought my xMM was doing: keeping the good stuff coming. I agree with another responder is that HE is broken, not the marriage he is in. And he seems to be working every angle to his advantage.

If he was truly in love and committed to his W, sex or no, he'd keep it in his pants and walk away from you, and nicely.

 

In time, and with a bit of distance, perhaps you'll see this situation in a new light. It sounds to me like you can't see the forest thru the trees. Been there! Did that! Perhaps you'll see the BS emotions and hollow plays. I'm also hearing him doing 'contemplation' and 'posturing' (like Plan B). Of course he doesn't want to leave you. He can be a part of himself he can't be with W (bachelor guy)., and he doesn't have the commitment and responsibility. If he wanted to be with you, there just would be this waffling and fence sitting.

 

What I would do is not worry about seeing yourself in all of this right about now. Keep up with the NC, let the emotions die down, look to how you can get on with your life, and in the process, I think your personal reflections on your role and behaviors might be more insightful and constructive. For now, it seems like you walked into a guy who has some grow up issues. I'm thinking that once you have had some time, you'll be seeing that you get the best end of this. I know I wouldn't want to be his W for nooo reason!!

[Owl]

Trying to work on my own marriage situation now that my distraction-turned-flame is over. But that's hard, too.

 

You are looking at this wrong.

 

Working on (ending, I'm assuming) your own marriage now can/will distract you from the pain/loss of your affair.

 

I get that finances make it tough. What are you doing to end your marriage at this point? Does your H know you're ending it? Have you started working out finances, seperation plans, etc...?

 

There's a lot that you can start doing without much finances. Job hunting for a new job if that's part of it, saving money up for a new place, researching divorce laws in your state, finding what the shortest/cheapest path to divorce is, etc...

 

Focus on that...it can help you get over the affair much quicker.

[NotSoInnocent]

Well, this is not the first time I have wanted/considered a divorce.

 

I have known for a while. I have discussed it with H, but he never seems to take me seriously. He knows I suffer from codependency issues, and he knows how to work that.

 

And I am - frankly - afraid of leaving. Financially, I can't afford it. (Although my husband doesn't contribute much to the household - I make 2.5x more than him, we still are "working poor.") Make too much to get any assistance if I was on my own. Don't make enough with 2 incomes to really survive - let alone thrive. Ugh.

 

And there's the fear of being alone for the rest of my life with a kid. I mean, I am a bad person, a bad spouse. Who the hell wants to have a relationship with that? So I have a lot of guilt over this, which makes it all difficult to proceed.

 

(Not being a victim here. I am just stating facts and how I feel. I completely feel like I am a bad person, so who else would want to be with me? I also suffer from low self-esteem issues -obviously, I know- so that's also part of the equation.)

 

I have tried to work on the marriage before - before my son. About 7 years ago. We went to MC, but he saw it as the MC ganging up on him. Has refused to ever go back. (And this was even before my affair. At this point, I am not sure MC will work anymore.)

 

Not saying this is an excuse to why *I* acted poorly, but H suffers from alcoholism, depression, and is generally nasty and aggressive to both me and my young child when he drinks. And sometimes he's like that when he doesn't drink. He doesn't hit me, but he hits my kid, our dogs, and destroys things. After 12 years of living with an alcoholic, I am done. Al-Anon is helping me. Therapy helped a bit (but can't afford anymore).

 

My marriage certainly is broken. I know that, and have for a while. Years. I try to start the process of working on the marriage when he is dry, seeing a glimmer of hope... but that ends quickly, and I'm with an alcoholic again. And he's dry NOT because he is working on things. He is dry only when we are so broke that we can't even afford a 40 for him. :/

 

I don't know if him going into recovery would help the marriage. Part of me wonders if him - trying to seek help - could make me more willing to open up about my affair and try to work on the marriage.

 

Then part of me just says "I'm done."

[NotSoInnocent]

I get that finances make it tough. What are you doing to end your marriage at this point? Does your H know you're ending it? Have you started working out finances, seperation plans, etc...?

 

There's a lot that you can start doing without much finances. Job hunting for a new job if that's part of it, saving money up for a new place, researching divorce laws in your state, finding what the shortest/cheapest path to divorce is, etc...

 

Focus on that...it can help you get over the affair much quicker.

 

Job hunting, with little success so far.

Contacted lawyer. Can't afford. Contacted legal society. I make too much money. Searching online, with some results. But I am not a lawyer.

 

Have been recommended to an SOS shelter for some advice. It's hard to go that route, since there's the stigma that it's only for physically abused people. I know that's not the case.

 

But the reality is that I haven't told H I want this. I told him I am thinking of it. Big difference. But until I can get my ducks in a row, I don't want to open that pandora's box yet. Life in my home is so traumatic and crazy as it is. I don't want to add this other layer onto it yet.

[NotSoInnocent]

And you say his marriage isn't broken..... He broke it! Who'd want to be married to a man who did that? Not me, I would rather be alone

 

A few of you have already said how awful my AP was, and who'd want to be with him. Well, first of all, me. But that's a whole other story.

 

But in the same way, who'd want to be with me? If I ever can move on to a new relationship, what do I tell them about my past? Am I doomed to just be involved with alcoholics, players, and jerks?

 

Ugh. So frustrated.

[sunburned]

Your H hits your kid and you haven't left?? If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is. Please stop worrying over the xAP and get your son somewhere safe.

[jbelle6]

No...... She needs time to reflect. How would you know!

 

 

 

Because she slept with another man??? Good indicator there.

 

 

OP, I am always surprised by the amount of OW who actually take these men's words at face value, they all say they don't have sex at home and it's rarely true. You allowed yourself to be used, he was pretty blatant about it.

And anyone who EVER hit my boy would be in jail or a grave.

Edited June 26, 2014 by jbelle6

[Snowflower]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. It's good to tell my story, even in this abbreviated form.

 

I actually write to him often - to get it out of my system. Then I just send the note to myself. It sits there in my inbox. If I ever feel like sending it, it's there. I don't. But if nothing else it provides me the chance to just keep up the "conversation." Maybe that sounds strange, but it gets me through the night.

 

Oh, his marriage was broken. I told him that. I also told him that the difference between us was that I was done trying to fix mine, and he wanted to fix his.

 

Certainly, there's more to the story. Not to give away too many details, of course (although I doubt he'd ever read this. Or anyone else he knows, either).

 

You know, I don't think I ever heard him talk about love with her. That could have been to spare my feelings. He talked about her being someone he cared for. I am sure they are in love, but I am also sure that he is nervous. If they spent their entire married life apart, with just some times together?

 

At one point when he was upset that he was giving up his life here (he didn't want to move to her location, but wanted to be with her here), I consoled him and tried to help him see the positive. I mentioned that he was going to be with the woman he adored. He said that he wasn't so sure about that. Adored her, when he was with me? Not that he was in love with me or anything, but he was obviously having some issues. He mentioned he liked living his bachelor life. And the most amazing part was that even though he took the job to be with her, he was ALSO in the process of negotiating keeping his job here on hold. A Plan B, if you will. WTF? He's working on a Plan B? An exit strategy?

 

I never got to find out if that Plan B was ever negotiated. I assume not. I mean, that's a hard thing to negotiate. I guess it's hard for me, not knowing if in a year or two will I bump into him because he's back in town.

 

One of the things that I can imagine is also a part of this is that they were together for years before he moved for work. But they have tons of personal and professional friends together. Their lives were in some ways completely intertwined. For him to walk away or not go out to her when an offer came in would make him look like the bad guy. So his goal was to be with her, but in some ways he really liked his life apart from her.

 

And he genuinely does love her companionship. I don't know her, but she's probably fun and great and all that. Ok. Maybe she's not sensual and sexual, but in all other ways wonderful. And they have no kids, so their time together is fun and like being on vacation! What's not to love.

 

It also just bums me out that I am also fun and great and all that... with the added bonus of being the one he has chemistry with.

 

Maybe he will realize that living with someone is different than being with them part time. Even though they lived together for years, I think he grew apart in some ways. But he's not going to let that get in his way. To be fair, I understand his feeling of needing to give his marriage a fighting chance with them living together.

 

But I also think he may be committed, but unsure. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

And yes. Me being married was the reason he even started things with me. A single person is a liability. He didn't want me to catch feelings. I don't think he wanted to. But he was better about compartmentalizing, and not even letting that be a possibility. To be honest, early on, I knew he wanted it that way, so I held back a lot from him, too.

 

He probably doesn't even know me, to be honest, as I don't really know him.

 

But, then again, I am not even sure if he really knows himself...

 

*sigh*

 

Boy, there is a lot of focus here on MM and HIS marriage. I always find this interesting that some OW seem to know and focus so much on this aspect. It seems that the MM makes it all about HIM!

 

OP, I know you do talk about your home situation later in the thread.

 

My advice? Quit focusing on the MM and his home life and work on trying to figure out your own. After all, who wants to be involved in the unraveling of someone else's marriage?

[NotSoInnocent]

Boy, there is a lot of focus here on MM and HIS marriage. I always find this interesting that some OW seem to know and focus so much on this aspect. It seems that the MM makes it all about HIM!

 

DO you mean the OP makes it all about him?

 

 

OP, I know you do talk about your home situation later in the thread.

 

Which is, of course, what happens. If I had opened up with EVERY detail of my situation, who would have read that 200,000 word dissertation?

 

I start the thread focusing on a specific event/phase - ie., missing him during the NC phase. But, as the thread unfolds, more is revealed. That is no different than other threads where people start with one event, then tell the story/situation as it unfolds. In my case, part of the story already ended.

 

My advice? Quit focusing on the MM and his home life and work on trying to figure out your own. After all, who wants to be involved in the unraveling of someone else's marriage?

 

Oh, this I know. But part of the process of moving on and figuring out my own life is analyzing the past (the MM and his situation). How else does one move on without closure? Unfortunately, missing him is part of that process.

[NotSoInnocent]

OP, I am always surprised by the amount of OW who actually take these men's words at face value, they all say they don't have sex at home and it's rarely true. You allowed yourself to be used, he was pretty blatant about it.

And anyone who EVER hit my boy would be in jail or a grave.

 

Not sure how to respond to this.

 

Please don't make me out to be naive. I am neither naive nor am I a victim.

 

But I am hurting, and have the right to feel hurt and need a venue to grieve.

 

First, he didn't have sex at home. Because she wasn't there.

 

Second, I feel used, but in reality we used each other. I recognize what happened. And I happened to get more emotionally attached than he.

 

And the whole hyperbole of "anyone who hit my kid would be in jail or a grave" thing? That sets me up to look like a bad mom. Sorry. I'm not going to take that bait for additional self-doubt on an anonymous forum.

 

I am of the opinion that you don't spank to discipline. Some people think spanking is ok. In the US, it's controversial still. But don't ignore the complexity of disciplining children. Few courts would prosecute for a spanking. And if I solved this through violence?

 

***

 

I think the whole problem is I tried to avoid the underlying issue through distraction, and not actually solving anything. That is the point I am at now - of trying to figure that process out.

[Snowflower]

DO you mean the OP makes it all about him?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, absolutely the MM made it all about him, based on what you wrote. In turn, you made it all about him and his marriage.

 

OP= you (Original poster) or OP= Opening Post or OP= (Other person) I know, it gets confusing!

 

The point of my post to you was to get you to see that it wasn't beneficial to you to focus on HIS marriage like you had in your long post.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

This could have been me writing this. Almost everything was the same. He loved and missed me, but not so much. Enough to get me attached, but not really so significant to him. He too did things to keep me calm, I think he was terrified, which was an insult. He felt more fear than love. He probably still fears I may pop up someday. I however was that pitiful woman that couldn't accept no for a long time.

 

All I can say is that I commend you on being strong. This is painful. It is about the same time for me, I too am married. I too still cry daily. I was very angry for a while. I think I still am. But NC is good. Mostly for you.

[NotSoInnocent]

The point of my post to you was to get you to see that it wasn't beneficial to you to focus on HIS marriage like you had in your long post.

 

Ah. Understood.

 

You know, it's funny you mention this, since in reality, most of our time together WAS focused on him and his situation. So it's not just in that post, but in my whole relationship with him.

 

Were they going to be able to get jobs close by. Were they doing well? Was she giving him what he needed? Were they on rocky grounds? Was I was just filling in for her?

 

I think it was 5 months into the thing that I even explained that my husband was an alcoholic and that was part of the reason I wanted to divorce him.

 

I once told him how selfish he was. (Sure. I was too....) For him, he was able to have an A with little risk. But at the times when she would be in town, he wasn't willing to sneak away for me. That dynamic always pissed me off. But I think it's indicative.

 

*sigh*

 

Man. I am such an enabler. In all respects.

[NotSoInnocent]

All I can say is that I commend you on being strong. This is painful. It is about the same time for me, I too am married. I too still cry daily. I was very angry for a while. I think I still am. But NC is good. Mostly for you.

 

Thanks for this.

 

As for being angry? Here is my "go to" way of understanding and dealing with hate and anger.

 

The opposite of love is NOT hate.

 

The opposite of love is indifference.

 

You are angry and maybe hating on him because you still love him. Both of those emotions are about passionate feelings towards another. They are not opposites.

 

When you (and I) truly learn to move on and be indifferent to the other person, that's when you will know your life is turned around. But that's a really hard road to take. And crossing the road from love to anger is, unfortunately, part of it.

[Snowflower]

Ah. Understood.

 

You know, it's funny you mention this, since in reality, most of our time together WAS focused on him and his situation. So it's not just in that post, but in my whole relationship with him.

 

Were they going to be able to get jobs close by. Were they doing well? Was she giving him what he needed? Were they on rocky grounds? Was I was just filling in for her?

 

I think it was 5 months into the thing that I even explained that my husband was an alcoholic and that was part of the reason I wanted to divorce him.

 

I once told him how selfish he was. (Sure. I was too....) For him, he was able to have an A with little risk. But at the times when she would be in town, he wasn't willing to sneak away for me. That dynamic always pissed me off. But I think it's indicative.

 

*sigh*

 

Man. I am such an enabler. In all respects.

 

I really like what you wrote here. It shows introspection and an understanding of what happened.

 

It was all about him and his perceived unhappiness. Somehow he was able to get you to feed into that with him and then you were obsessing about his marriage and life.

 

Think back to your A with him. How much did the two of you talk about things in your life? You said it was 5 months before you talked about your concerns about your H.

 

So yes, I saw that a lot of that particular post was focused on him and his marriage and sometimes OW will post a lot about that type of thing. I always wonder then if that was the topic of most of the conversations between that OW and the MM.

 

I hope soon you can see that he wasn't so great after all. Again, who wants to have a front row seat to his marriage?

[NotSoInnocent]

Again, who wants to have a front row seat to his marriage?

 

That's a great line. I need to remember that!

 

And yes. A lot of it was a painful thing. I tend to be the kind of person who puts other people's needs in front of my own. And that personality type is susceptible to people who want/need/go looking for that sort of thing.

 

He always told me I could talk about my situation more if I wanted. I don't want to make him out to be a narcissist based on this. I just didn't want to let him in more than I already did. Because I knew I could have COMPLETELY given everything I had for him.

 

I put up a wall about a month into it, because I knew I was going to get REALLY hurt if I didn't. I still did, but I know it could have gotten worse. I could have told him I loved him (never did say it, but I think he knew). Lots of ways I could have gotten sucked in more than I did. He also put up a wall - in part because he knew he wasn't going to leave his wife. Why risk actually falling for me, if that's the outcome?

 

Meh.

[Owl]

No...... She needs time to reflect. How would you know!

 

 

How would I know?

 

It's called "life experience". You may understand when you've experienced anything near as much as I have in my life. I wish you well.