solostand Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 So MM calls yesterday morning to tell me he's picking me up. Normally, he goes through the coffee drive-thru and gets me a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. Yesterday he asked if I would like a home-made lobster sandwich instead. I said "sure!", who doesn't love lobster, right. So later I open this elaborate lobster sandwich, which was FULL of lobster meat and made on special bread et cetera. Then it occurred to me. HE didn't make this lobster sandwich. His BS did, and gave it to him, in good faith, to eat for his lunch. I told him to thank his wife for the sandwich. Lately I've been feeling pretty guilty about the BW. I feel like she needs to know. Many other people know and its just not fair to her. I want to tell her, but it's a terrible time (for her) their daughter is nine months pregnant with their first grandchild. I also can't figure out whether to phone her, send her an anonymous email, or send her an email from me. Affairs are so difficult. I love her husband - today he drove 50 k because I told him I needed something. I didn't ask him to come to my place with the thing I needed - he just did. I know he loves me too but is terrified because of his age. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 If you are truly serious about informing her, you will need proof to back up what you are saying. I would phone her. Please prepare yourself for a lot of questions. Best wishes, you are doing the right thing (if you actually follow thru). Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Are you worried that if you tell her he will turn on you? Since SHE'S not the one 9 months pregnant, I don't know why this would be much of a worse time than any other? Unless I'm being dense? Maybe the new baby will give her something inspiring to focus on instead of her cheating husband. I know you've been anxious thinking DDay is around the corner for so long...are you feeling like you're ready to just get it over with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 I have proof. Quite a bit of it in fact. I just don't know if NOW is the right time, with baby coming. Daughter is staying with them till baby arrives. However, is there ever a good time? Others are telling her rumors so I'm on the radar strongly, he's probably gaslighting. We are seen together all the time. Some people call us "Barbie and Ken". Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 Yes get it over with and let the chips fall where they may. As for him hating me, I'm willing to take that chance. I honestly don't believe he could ever hate me - I've crossed some pretty big boundaries like phoning him at home and when I apologize he says no worries. Last week my ex-husband phoned him and talked to his wife (he didn't tell anything, just asked to speak to MM) and MM said "we'll work through it". I guess I'd rather I did it than someone like my ex husband or the many other people who strongly suspect. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 SO- ask yourself- is how he treats his wife how you would like to be treated? You have to see from both sides what he is capable of doing to those that love and trust him- The answer to that should answer the questions you have- Best of luck- Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 His poor wife...lovingly making a sandwich for her husbands mistress. This is so sad and he is so awful. I can't imagine loving someone this cruel and heartless. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Man o man - that guy is a real winner... I hope you can imagine what you might feel like when he does these same cruel things to you, as his wife. Did the sandwich make you physically sick? That is a serious question. I'm afraid it would have made me sick just at the thought. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 I did have that thought. I was married before and I pictured myself lovingly making my husband a sandwich for his lunch and he cavalierly gave it to his mistress as a treat. However, I know MM very well and I know his thought process went more like this: "Hey, I'm not hungry and this is a delicious sandwich that is made of lobster and I bet OW would love it." No wife thought at all. . . Also, I am an sculptor and painter. A while a go I did a sculpture of MM from a picture. I didn't do it for him - - - I did it for me. When he saw it, he actually asked if he could have it. He took it home. He said he would think of some way to explain this very unique piece of art. Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I did have that thought. I was married before and I pictured myself lovingly making my husband a sandwich for his lunch and he cavalierly gave it to his mistress as a treat. No wife thought at all. . . This makes it worse, you know how it feels,if you were a BS. So sad. Please tell his wife so she can be free of your toxic affair and lies. No one who has been the wife of a man like your MM should become the AP of one unless she has completely lost all sense of reality and has sunk to the bottom. Tell her today. Get her away from this situation ASAP and when he does this to you, and he will, be happy that you ate that sandwich that some other woman made for her husband. Men tell APs they love them all the time but if he is willing to do this (the affair and the sandwich) to the mother of his children, that man has no idea what love is. Poor woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Why did your xH call MM??? Do they know each other? Am I remembering correctly...I thought for some reason that you had confided in your xH about the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Seems to me you brought this subject up back in Dec 2013. Then back tracked and decided not to tell her. Geezzz, he is 64 years old??!! His poor wife and kids. Just tell that poor W what her H has been doing for so long already. Then you two can finally be together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 He did think of it ahead of time - because he asked you yesterday if you wanted it... Years ago - one of the things I found out was that the OW had given my then husband a coffee mug...which she asked him to "sneak" into our home. When I found out - I searched and searched - until I found the only coffee mug I didn't recognize... And he watched as I took it out into the yard and threw it against the house as hard as I could!!! It blew up into a million pieces. I looked at him with disgust! I made no attempt to clean it up - but noticed it was gone by night time. How dare she send items into my personal space. I was livid. And it was the ugliest cup I'd ever seen - just like her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Wait until the baby is born. There is no good time to tell but please, don't do this until their grandchild is born safely. Imagine if something happened .... You don't want to live with the guilt of telling and having his daughter find out, then have a difficult birth or worse.... Does he actually have a plan to leave and divorce his wife? Or is this all just an affair? Telling (once the baby is born) will either end your A and you two will end or end up together. Do you know which way it'll go? Are you prepared to lose him forever if you tell? Good chance that will happen.... Just be sure this is the door you want to open and are ready to face the fallout. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Seems to me you brought this subject up back in Dec 2013. Then back tracked and decided not to tell her. Geezzz, he is 64 years old??!! His poor wife and kids. Just tell that poor W what her H has been doing for so long already. Then you two can finally be together. At 64, does he want to start over with you? Lose his family unit, and fallout from his kids, and other family members? As well as his retirement fund, he will be paying $$ for the rest of his life. Honestly, I couldn't imagine a man who has a grown daughter about to give birth to their first grandchild about to divorce his wife. My guess is, she will throw him out and hand him over to you for this long term betrayal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 Yeah ex hubby was acting as a shoulder to cry on. Then one night he got drunk and decided to drunken dial MM. Don't know what he planned to say... I just wish d-day would get here one way or another. I should send her a link to this thread. But I often wonder if she knows but doesn't want to know. Would rather stay in denial. . .he says she sometimes asks about me, like when he's getting ready to leave. And, oddly, he is showing affair symptoms that he wouldn't even recognize - new clothes, attention to appearance, he even did a little man-scaping. He does not plan to leave because he will lose his empire. I think he expects to get turfed. His daughter lives in another province and he's hoping his wife will head there for a good long time to teach daughter how to handle baby. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 What is the end result that you want? You say he won't leave, so are you hoping she kicks him out? Or are you hoping she will be okay with things staying like they are between you and her husband? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 My $.02 The MM "should" be the one to tell his wife so she can go live the rest of her life making lobster sandwiches for herself or someone who appreciates them. But let's face it, he ain't gonna do that. So thanks to his cowardice, the decision is left to you to keep participating in a betrayal and waste even more of her golden years or do something about it. Is it right for her to keep being played a fool? Is it right for her to keep wasting years of her life that she'll never get back? Are these actually complicated questions? No. Someone needs to do something about this. Since your coward of a MM can't seem to do it, he doesn't get to complain if you finally decide to have a conscience. I suggest you ask your conscience what the right thing to do is, and then do it. If MM doesn't like it, tough sh|t. He should have done something about it on his own. And frankly, I don't think you should be with such a disrespectful arsehole anyway. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 His daughter lives in another province and he's hoping his wife will head there for a good long time to teach daughter how to handle baby. That's awful of him to think, let alone say out loud. Doubtful his daughter and also son in law would want mom/MIL staying with them for 2-3 months! God, I'd stick a fork in my head if my mom stayed that long! Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Solo, you have been having fantasies about telling his wife for darn near a year now. Just get it over with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 I did have that thought. I was married before and I pictured myself lovingly making my husband a sandwich for his lunch and he cavalierly gave it to his mistress as a treat. However, I know MM very well and I know his thought process went more like this: "Hey, I'm not hungry and this is a delicious sandwich that is made of lobster and I bet OW would love it." No wife thought at all. . . Also, I am an sculptor and painter. A while a go I did a sculpture of MM from a picture. I didn't do it for him - - - I did it for me. When he saw it, he actually asked if he could have it. He took it home. He said he would think of some way to explain this very unique piece of art. This 'man', (word used lightly) is one of the worst cases of passive aggressiveness I've seen. Why exactly do you love him? He's a monster in disguise. Here you are, rightfully giving thought to not destroying this innocent woman at what should be one of the most special times in anyone's life, the birth of a grandchild, and he's giving his mistress a sandwich his wife took the time to make for him. How absolutely disgusting. You can believe that he's mindless, but I pity you then if you end up with him. He's unbelievably passive aggressive and hateful. Driving 50K miles for you? When he's married? What a creep. I would suggest to have a heart, and just go ahead and wait a few months to tell her. Let her enjoy the beginning part of this future memory, of her daughter having her grandchild. It is an important thing in life, and there's no urgency in destroying her life. What she doesn't know, is, it will be a blessing in disguise to be rid of this person. What goes around comes around. If you think compared to someone he took vows and had children with, that YOU'RE somehow going to escape his passive aggression with, well, you might want to read up on psychology. Good luck, you will need it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Solo, you have been having fantasies about telling his wife for darn near a year now. Just get it over with. Yeah, I could understand delaying telling the BW if she were actually the one pregnant (stress to the baby and all that) but just because her daughter is pregnant? Nah. Like Realist said, get it over with. Sorry, WWIU, I hate disagreeing with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Please tell her. He perverted her loving act into a gift for his mistress. He is a @&£# and no mistake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy's sister Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 Errr...Hate to tell you Op, but if this man wanted to be with you, he would be doing something about it. If you really believe that a dday, brought on by you will get him in a real relationship with you, I fear you are about too get a shock. He will throw you under the bus as quick as he can and crawl back to wife. Yes his wife the one he is still with. The one he hasnt made plans to leave. He most likely loves you too but he needs to be actually leaving her, he will not Thankyou for forcing his hand, upsetting his family, his pregnant daughter etc...faced with their devastation his feelings for you will change. I would put money on it. If you want a decision one way or another, go ahead and tell but be prepared for what happens next, it is unlikely to be your happy ever after. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted June 24, 2014 Author Share Posted June 24, 2014 No its no one's ever after. Not mine, not his, not hers. One of the things that stops me from telling is the immense nuclear bomb that will drop when she discovers the sheer depth of his betrayal. And yes, he is passive aggressive and I have called him on that. He is aware but was actually surprised I would notice. Maybe I find it so hard to deal with is, though I know logically these things he has done and said about his wife, over time, indicate a strong level of resentment, I only see the sweet side of him. Yes we have had spats but they are over in a day. One of the things that brings the guilt on strong is thinking of my mother and father. What if my father had done this to my innocent mother? I would be horrified. He has also slowly switched his intimacy from her to me. He tells me everything - things he wouldn't dare tell her and things that are really personal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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