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ConfusedMarriedOW

I miss talking to my xMM. I feel terribly about how it ended. He asked for space, so I am giving it. But I think he may be angry at me, I won't know because he doesn't talk to me.

 

I regret the way I acted. I wish I could have stayed calmer, accepted his needs. I just couldn't handle the aspects of an affair that makes you wait and wonder. I fell so hard for him that I wanted him more than anything in the world. I cried daily for him. He knew this, but didn't say goodbye. I believe he loved me too on some level.

 

Does he hate me? Does he miss me? Is he feeling guilty?

 

All of this not knowing drives me mad! If i don't contact him, I will never know. If I do contact him I may seem too aggressive.

 

I just want to say I am sorry. I want him to be my friend.

 

I don't want the relationship back, it caused me too much pain, but to never speak to him again, with no resolution, this sucks.

 

I miss him terribly. How does anyone get over this feeling of unfinished business? Love cut short? Doing the right thing in spite of the terrible pain you feel? How will I ever heal? Will I ever heal?

Edited by ConfusedMarriedOW
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What did you do when it ended? What did you do that you think upset him? I'm sorry I haven't read your story.

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ConfusedMarriedOW
What did you do when it ended? What did you do that you think upset him? I'm sorry I haven't read your story.

 

It ultimately ended because he was going back and forth about whether or not he could continue the affair for months. One day he was completely on, the next day he was off. I kept pushing him to make a decision because as wrong as I knew it was, I was completely gone for him, I wanted him and I had zero doubts. He would tell me he loved me, he would speak sexually with me, make me crazy for him and then, go home, have a sweet moment with the wife and then pull away. But he would never say goodbye or give definite answers about what he wanted.

 

I personally didn't want an affair, I was talking about an open marriage, he was wishing for it too and we both tried to push it to our spouses slowly. But in his case it became clear that his wife wouldn't go for it.

 

So finally in our final month, I started to lose my patience, I was tired of crying but I couldn't bear to leave him. He didn't want to give me any answers but wanted a weekend away with his wife to bond with her to see how he felt and was going to come back to tell me one way or the other. He asked me to not contact him on email or anywhere while they went away. I knew it was just more prolonging of my pain. So I contacted him non stop that weekend with a variety of frustrated, angry and perhaps desperate seeming emails. knowing he would be enraged. And he was.

 

He simply wrote "omg. I am done."

 

But after that we had a small bit of chatting but, yes, he was done. He asked for space and now he is getting it. I broke contact once with a slightly angry/hurt email to which I didn't hear back. I suspect I won't ever hear from him again.

 

But I wish with time I could be friends with him :( I just don't want him to hate me.

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ConfusedMarriedOW

And yes, I really do want to be his friend. I never want to go through that pain again. We both love our partners, neither of us are going to leave our spouses, but I miss talking to him and I just want closure. I just want to say I am sorry for not respecting his boundaries and saying cruel things to him. I just want to know that he doesn't feel poorly about me. To think he dislikes me just bothers me.

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Oh, wow, I am so sorry. That sounds horrible. Hey look, we have all made mistakes like that before. We have all lost our minds and did something we regret to someone important to us, so you are not alone. I have to be honest, it's probably unlikely that you will ever get him back, but he would have left you anyway because he's married and MM never leave. At least he's not stringing you along anymore. I know you miss him but this too shall pass.

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I went nutso on an ex-bf once before like that. He asked for NC and I kept at it. I'm pretty sure it caused him to like me even less than he already did (which he must have disliked me to break up with me in the first place). Yeah acting crazy doesn't help, but remember, he had basically already ended it anyway. It was going to be that way no matter what. He was just prolonging it before by taking the "nice" route. And yes, he told me he loved me for dear life too and wanted to marry me (we both were single).

 

That incident with my ex has taught me to always keep calm, but guess what? Being calm, collected and patient, doesn't buy you a darn thing either. He's still MM and isn't going to leave and be with you. So, classy or nutso, it works out the same for you in the end. Just do what works for you in the moment. I recommend keeping your dignity though.

Edited by Popsicle
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ConfusedMarriedOW
Oh, wow, I am so sorry. That sounds horrible. Hey look, we have all made mistakes like that before. We have all lost our minds and did something we regret to someone important to us, so you are not alone. I have to be honest, it's probably unlikely that you will ever get him back, but he would have left you anyway because he's married and MM never leave. At least he's not stringing you along anymore. I know you miss him but this too shall pass.

 

Thank you. And yes. I think he really started to get scared when love started entering the picture. I believe he did start to fall for me. But He knew he couldn't leave his wife, he was dedicated to her and hated not being a good husband. He ultimately didn't want to sleep with me and then leave me broken (it was an EA not a PA, but with us longing for it to be physical desperately) I know him pulling away was to leave less broken pieces all over, but frankly, it just makes me miss and love him more. He painfully did what was right, I begged and begged him to block me and he didn't want to, but finally and while distraught, he finally did and it stabbed both of us in the heart. And I miss him every darn day.

 

Yes, I should be thankful, but I can't imagine when or how I will ever get over him,

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whichwayisup
And yes, I really do want to be his friend. I never want to go through that pain again. We both love our partners, neither of us are going to leave our spouses, but I miss talking to him and I just want closure. I just want to say I am sorry for not respecting his boundaries and saying cruel things to him. I just want to know that he doesn't feel poorly about me. To think he dislikes me just bothers me.

 

You need to make your own closure.

 

You may have sped things along with him ending it but I think your A was ending anyway, he just put you both out of misery, couldn't take it anymore and knew how hard it was on you as well.

 

Beating yourself up and thinking he thinks of the worst of you isn't helping! Stop that. I doubt he has bad feelings, chances are he's over it and closed himself off as to not think about how he handled things (in a sh.tty way with you) and he's put it out of his head. Most men don't tend to sit and over think or remember stuff like many women do.

 

Some how you need to let go and make peace of this, forgive yourself and close the chapter on this.

 

It's okay to miss him but don't lust/hope/wish for him back. It'll hurt you more having him in your life.

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Thank you. And yes. I think he really started to get scared when love started entering the picture. I believe he did start to fall for me. But He knew he couldn't leave his wife, he was dedicated to her and hated not being a good husband. He ultimately didn't want to sleep with me and then leave me broken (it was an EA not a PA, but with us longing for it to be physical desperately) I know him pulling away was to leave less broken pieces all over, but frankly, it just makes me miss and love him more. He painfully did what was right, I begged and begged him to block me and he didn't want to, but finally and while distraught, he finally did and it stabbed both of us in the heart. And I miss him every darn day.

 

Yes, I should be thankful, but I can't imagine when or how I will ever get over him,

 

That is correct. You'll be okay (hugs)

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ConfusedMarriedOW
I went nutso on an ex-bf once before like that. He asked for NC and I kept at it. I'm pretty sure it caused him to like me even less than he already did (which he must have disliked me to break up with me in the first place). Yeah acting crazy doesn't help, but remember, he had basically already ended it anyway. It was going to be that way no matter what. He was just prolonging it before by taking the "nice" route. And yes, he told me he loved me for dear life too and wanted to marry me (we both were single).

 

That incident with my ex has taught me to always keep calm, but guess what? Being calm, collected and patient, doesn't buy you a darn thing either. He's still MM and isn't going to leave and be with you. So, classy or nutso, it works out the same for you in the end. Just do what works for you in the moment. I recommend keeping your dignity though.

 

 

So wise. And you brought a smile (and a little giggle) to my face through the tears. Thank you :) so thankful.

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ConfusedMarriedOW
You need to make your own closure.

 

You may have sped things along with him ending it but I think your A was ending anyway, he just put you both out of misery, couldn't take it anymore and knew how hard it was on you as well.

 

Beating yourself up and thinking he thinks of the worst of you isn't helping! Stop that. I doubt he has bad feelings, chances are he's over it and closed himself off as to not think about how he handled things (in a sh.tty way with you) and he's put it out of his head. Most men don't tend to sit and over think or remember stuff like many women do.

 

Some how you need to let go and make peace of this, forgive yourself and close the chapter on this.

 

It's okay to miss him but don't lust/hope/wish for him back. It'll hurt you more having him in your life.

 

Why are men able to do this? Do they just not love as much?

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whichwayisup
Why are men able to do this? Do they just not love as much?

 

Some men are good at separating love and sex. Yours sounds like he wasn't as invested emotionally as you were which is why he was able to detach quickly and move on. I'm sorry if this hurts to read.

 

I'm sure he cared and had feelings for you but from what you've said about him, sounds like he loves himself most.

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Well, I'm going to disagree with the above poster and say that it is due to gender differences but not because of the reasons she says. I think men feel this great responsibility to take care of their wife/family/girlfriend and do the right thing. They also are more practical minded and logical and do not make big life decisions based on emotion like we women do. To do that would be irresponsible and not a very manly thing to do. Do they love as much as woman? Yes, I believe so (maybe more in same cases) and I actually think they are worse at separating love and sex than women are, but again, they don't make big decisions based on emotion, like women do. They are more practical. They have to be.

Edited by Popsicle
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ConfusedMarriedOW

In response to whichwayisup:

 

Perhaps. I just really don't know if I agree though. I am not trying to be unrealistic. But I believe he started to feel deeply for me, he told me he didn't throw the word love around lightly and that for him to use it meant he meant it and that THAT was why he was so worried about our connection. Also, about detaching easily..I begged and begged for him to block me and he kept pushing it off. In fact he kept pushing ending it off over painful Month after month. That is why I lost my head. I couldn't handle the waiting, the torture. So easy detachment doesn't seem exactly how it was.

 

Also, as hypocritical as this may seem for a man enticed into an affair, he seemed a bit obsessed with he topic of chivalry and honor (historical interest) and he does a lot of things out of honor. I think he believes it is unfair to me to contact me when he has zero intention of leaving the wife.

 

But I have no interest in him doing that, all I want is to be his friend and find closure.

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ConfusedMarriedOW
Well, I'm going to disagree with the above poster and say that it is due to gender differences but not because of the reasons she says. I think men feel this great responsibility to take care of their wife/family/girlfriend and do the right thing. They also are more practical minded and logical and do not make big life decisions based on emotion like we women do. To do that would be irresponsible and not a very manly thing to do. Do they love as much as woman? Yes, I believe so (maybe more in same cases) and I actually think they are worse at separating love and sex than women are, but again, they don't make big decisions based on emotion, like women do. They are more practical. They have to be.

 

I think that is the case in our situation. 100% very apt.

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ConfusedMarriedOW

He kept saying "I do love you, but everyone calls me a good husband and I know I am not being one, the guilt is overwhelming" "I would love to be with you and if I was single I would claim you right now"

 

It was ALL about honor and being a good man, not lack of desire or love. It broke his heart to cut me off I think

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He kept saying "I do love you, but everyone calls me a good husband and I know I am not being one, the guilt is overwhelming" "I would love to be with you and if I was single I would claim you right now"

 

It was ALL about honor and being a good man, not lack of desire or love. It broke his heart to cut me off I think

 

It did. I'm sure he wanted to just run away into the sunset with you and no one ever got hurt by it, but life is not easy like that. Sometimes we have to do things that aren't ideal.

 

Now he is trying to do the right thing and refocus back on his wife and family. You have to respect him and let him. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't (I generally believe it doesn't, but that's a topic for another thread) but for now, you have to see it like you will see each other and be together without headache in your next lifetime.

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I miss talking to my xMM. I feel terribly about how it ended. He asked for space, so I am giving it. But I think he may be angry at me, I won't know because he doesn't talk to me.

 

Well, you can ATTEMPT to find out - breaking NC and not respecting his wishes does NOT however guarantee a reply.

 

And do you think hearing "I love you and miss you - but we can't meet and I 'must' remain M". Would that make it better or worse?

 

A step further - WHAT answer WOULD make you fell better?

 

Ultimately, you'll find there isn't one. And this dovetails perfectly with WWIU - closure is a gift one gives oneself.

 

I regret the way I acted. I wish I could have stayed calmer, accepted his needs. I just couldn't handle the aspects of an affair that makes you wait and wonder. I fell so hard for him that I wanted him more than anything in the world. I cried daily for him. He knew this, but didn't say goodbye. I believe he loved me too on some level.
You are NOT responsible for HIS actions and words.

Do NOT believe there is something you could have said/done differently/better to have kept this fantasy alive. And I do think this is more fantasy than real - you never met, its was LD and online only - all to easy for words to be lies.

Does he hate me? Does he miss me? Is he feeling guilty?

Would it matter? How? More importantly, how does this, whatever you think his answer might be, HELP you? Does ANY answer help?

 

I just want to say I am sorry. I want him to be my friend.

But at what cost?

 

I don't want the relationship back, it caused me too much pain, but to never speak to him again, with no resolution, this sucks.
It is the fate of all failed R's - referring to the above - closure comes from within.

 

I miss him terribly. How does anyone get over this feeling of unfinished business? Love cut short? Doing the right thing in spite of the terrible pain you feel? How will I ever heal? Will I ever heal?
Of course you will - as soon as you let go of the past, forget the future which isn't yet real and focus on NOW.

 

He kept saying "I do love you, but everyone calls me a good husband and I know I am not being one, the guilt is overwhelming" "I would love to be with you and if I was single I would claim you right now"

 

It was ALL about honor and being a good man, not lack of desire or love. It broke his heart to cut me off I think

 

I trust you see the issue here - he IS a cheater - he just wants to keep his "good guy" image intact. So honor and being a good man clearly don't apply - bit you'd better believe he WANTS that image.

 

And if we distill this just one more step - he chooses to vainly keep a lie (he is a good man and H) intact instead of this "love for you". If that isn't a massive slap in the face I don't know what is.

 

Aren't you worth more than this guy's facade of a good man?

Edited by jwi71
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I think one of the biggest mistakes WE all often make is thinking the people we love and care about also loves us as much. Even when their actions say otherwise.

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I know how hard it is and I am so sorry you are hurting. You could go ahead an send an apology email. Then what if he does not respond or it is not what you want to hear? Would that be enough closure or would it make you hurt more?

 

This is one of the reasons I could not be the one to speak to my exMOM first. I knew it would hurt so bad if he just walked away.

 

You know my story, we did talk. On one hand, it made me feel better to hear him hurting. On the other, I feel like if he has cried for me so many times then why not make a go of it. I am left wanting more. So many things still left unsaid.

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ConfusedMarriedOW
I know how hard it is and I am so sorry you are hurting. You could go ahead an send an apology email. Then what if he does not respond or it is not what you want to hear? Would that be enough closure or would it make you hurt more?

 

This is one of the reasons I could not be the one to speak to my exMOM first. I knew it would hurt so bad if he just walked away.

 

You know my story, we did talk. On one hand, it made me feel better to hear him hurting. On the other, I feel like if he has cried for me so many times then why not make a go of it. I am left wanting more. So many things still left unsaid.

 

Yes, I can see that. For me it is just that I was rather cruel at the end. I was a wild obsessive animal. Contacting non stop. He tried gently to stop me from doing it but enjoyed me a lot so didn't want to cut off completely. I think I scared the crap out of him. He didn't know me all that well, I could have ended up on his doorstep and confronting him and his wife. He tolerated it rather well for a while because he was feely strongly, but he felt that I wasn't a patient person. And he was right. I had never cheated before, never believed in affairs so the entire scenario was a shock to my system to fall in love with someone else. I had never considered polyamory before him. It is why I felt like I was in jail and losing my head over it. So I lost my head often. I was crying for most of the 4 months. I felt like I met someone that made me feel like I hadn't felt in years. Everyone tries to discredit it because it was a Virtual connection. But he and I had so many similarities. Same interest in art, music etc, we just had fun overall and were a support for each other, a great friend.

 

I simply don't look at him in such a negative light. He told me from the beginning that he would never leave his wife who he said he loved very much. He never wanted her to be hurt.

 

But as a friend, I miss his friendship and part of me doesn't need to know that he misses me (although I hope he does) but more so that he forgives and understands my cruelty. I don't want to start he romance again, it was too painful.:

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ConfusedMarriedOW
I know how hard it is and I am so sorry you are hurting. You could go ahead an send an apology email. Then what if he does not respond or it is not what you want to hear? Would that be enough closure or would it make you hurt more?

 

This is one of the reasons I could not be the one to speak to my exMOM first. I knew it would hurt so bad if he just walked away.

 

You know my story, we did talk. On one hand, it made me feel better to hear him hurting. On the other, I feel like if he has cried for me so many times then why not make a go of it. I am left wanting more. So many things still left unsaid.

 

And if he doesn't respond, yes, I will be tortured. But I already am? I don't know. Ugh.

 

I doubt he would try to start anything up though. Most likely he will just not respond.

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ConfusedMarriedOW
I did the same as you, I made him suffer, because I was suffering and I called him bad names and there were lots of emotions on both sides. We were LC until last week and now NC when I confronted him. . I miss him for who he was with me, but when he played that act in front of BS, I saw him with different eyes. He was like someone else. Yuck:sick:

 

Well in a way it was fortunate you could see him in that light. It cured you from seeing him in rose tinted lenses. I wish I could see my xMM in that way.

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ConfusedMarriedOW
I think one of the biggest mistakes WE all often make is thinking the people we love and care about also loves us as much. Even when their actions say otherwise.

 

I just don't believe this. It seems a bit cruel to say this actually particularly if you don't know him. I don't know that if that is the reality behind this statement any more than you do without asking him personally. His actions were taken because he was doing what he thought was best. He wanted to be with me more than anything, his inability to let go proved that. He did love me on some level. He wouldn't claim it if he didn't, he was definitely not someone who would say something he didn't think. He never pulled punches.

 

Also, He wasn't getting sex nor was he pushing for it. I was pushing him mostly, In fact he was trying to keep it from it happening, but he was all the time saying he loved me. With your logic, he would have had to cheat on his wife to prove his love. As a betrayed husband, I know you don't want that at all, you should be commending him on his strength no?

Edited by ConfusedMarriedOW
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