Daisy2013 Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 And now hoping to read words of support. He continued to say I love you and am not happy at home, but can't leave because of the vow I took before God." I'd had enough of hearing that (story on here, do won't repeat). Instead of emphazing as usual, I burned the bridge. I told him I'd had enough of trying to make our "friendship" work and to please forget he ever knew me. I shot down every form of hope of friendship he offered and said things I knew would ever keep him from contacting me again. He hates conflict. We attend the same church and I asked him of he saw me, to please look the other way. He saw me yesterday and tried to make small talk, but I didn't bite. I'm sure it has worked and I've allowed him to move on. I felt ok over the weekend, but today is rough. I hope I truly burned the bridge and that he doesn't call me again. I feel terrible for saying the things I said, but it was the only way to ensure this mess would end permanently. I hope I have the same success as those of you have had that have been able to move on. This is really hard, letting go of my best friend. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 And now hoping to read words of support. He continued to say I love you and am not happy at home, but can't leave because of the vow I took before God." I'd had enough of hearing that (story on here, do won't repeat). Instead of emphazing as usual, I burned the bridge. I told him I'd had enough of trying to make our "friendship" work and to please forget he ever knew me. I shot down every form of hope of friendship he offered and said things I knew would ever keep him from contacting me again. He hates conflict. We attend the same church and I asked him of he saw me, to please look the other way. He saw me yesterday and tried to make small talk, but I didn't bite. I'm sure it has worked and I've allowed him to move on. I felt ok over the weekend, but today is rough. I hope I truly burned the bridge and that he doesn't call me again. I feel terrible for saying the things I said, but it was the only way to ensure this mess would end permanently. I hope I have the same success as those of you have had that have been able to move on. This is really hard, letting go of my best friend. He was never your friend. Friends don't hurt you like that. Also..he can't get divorced because of the vows he took before God..but he can cheat on his wife? In what universe does that make any sense at all?? Congratulations on doing the right thing. I'm sorry you're hurting but you know deep down that this is for the best. That it would only have hurt you more to continue. Sending you hugs. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 You 100% did the right thing. Keep on walking. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 That was a firm and clear closure, you have shown strength by doing so. Be patience in going through this period, you'll get better and heal day by day. Hopefully he will respect your wish to move on. Should he contact you again or try to initiate anything then it will be very apparent that he is the type that put his own desire above other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Thank you for your lifeline and encouragement. I don't feel strong, I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. This has been a long relationship and the grief is immense. I am feeling terrible for the things I said. Such as when he said "we fell in love," I cut him off and replied, "no, we were each other's side pieces." And much more to ensure he wouldn't come back, because he always did. Every 2 to 3 months, he'd put me through this, so I had to end it. I love him and didn't want to see him suffering because of our R anymore. I would have walked through fire for him. In fact, I have. I have him my heart, something I don't do generally, and he accepted it. My pain is my own fault, I don't blame him as it takes two. I deserve this, and I will miss him. One day, years down the road, maybe I can tell him I didn't mean those things, it was only to ensure he didn't return. He'd always come back saying he couldn't stay away. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Thank you for your lifeline and encouragement. I don't feel strong, I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. This has been a long relationship and the grief is immense. I am feeling terrible for the things I said. Such as when he said "we fell in love," I cut him off and replied, "no, we were each other's side pieces." And much more to ensure he wouldn't come back, because he always did. Every 2 to 3 months, he'd put me through this, so I had to end it. I love him and didn't want to see him suffering because of our R anymore. I would have walked through fire for him. In fact, I have. I have him my heart, something I don't do generally, and he accepted it. My pain is my own fault, I don't blame him as it takes two. I deserve this, and I will miss him. One day, years down the road, maybe I can tell him I didn't mean those things, it was only to ensure he didn't return. He'd always come back saying he couldn't stay away. Thank you. The thing is, you have control here. You are saying things to keep him from coming back, which is proactive, but you decide what you participate in. Just because he can't stay away, does not mean you have to allow him back in. You are making obstacles and saying mean things to keep him away, but by doing that you are trying to control his behavior. Let that go. What he does is redundant. You control YOUR behavior, and if you are done, YOU ARE DONE. Regardless of what he does. Stay strong. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Thank you for your lifeline and encouragement. I don't feel strong, I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. This has been a long relationship and the grief is immense. I am feeling terrible for the things I said. Such as when he said "we fell in love," I cut him off and replied, "no, we were each other's side pieces." And much more to ensure he wouldn't come back, because he always did. Every 2 to 3 months, he'd put me through this, so I had to end it. I love him and didn't want to see him suffering because of our R anymore. I would have walked through fire for him. In fact, I have. I have him my heart, something I don't do generally, and he accepted it. My pain is my own fault, I don't blame him as it takes two. I deserve this, and I will miss him. One day, years down the road, maybe I can tell him I didn't mean those things, it was only to ensure he didn't return. He'd always come back saying he couldn't stay away. Thank you. I agree with everything Kali said above. Here what concerns me is that you're far more concerned with his feelings than yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 How is the bridge burned if you see him every Sunday? Are you suggesting that no one in your church will notice the sudden change in you - one who once engaged your OM now is cold, angry, sullen and distant - for now anyway. Is it your plan to treat him like this forever? To say "hi" and be cordial to everyone but him - hate to say it but that rather sharp turn in behavior will be noticed. I would suggest finding another church. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
P1nginLOVE Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 And now hoping to read words of support. He continued to say I love you and am not happy at home, but can't leave because of the vow I took before God." I'd had enough of hearing that (story on here, do won't repeat). Instead of emphazing as usual, I burned the bridge. I told him I'd had enough of trying to make our "friendship" work and to please forget he ever knew me. I shot down every form of hope of friendship he offered and said things I knew would ever keep him from contacting me again. He hates conflict. We attend the same church and I asked him of he saw me, to please look the other way. He saw me yesterday and tried to make small talk, but I didn't bite. I'm sure it has worked and I've allowed him to move on. I felt ok over the weekend, but today is rough. I hope I truly burned the bridge and that he doesn't call me again. I feel terrible for saying the things I said, but it was the only way to ensure this mess would end permanently. I hope I have the same success as those of you have had that have been able to move on. This is really hard, letting go of my best friend. I did it many times with him! It surely ended the A, the nice PAs and the slow EAs, Though I kept coming back...but since I've joined LS and read and got many inputs from people I don't know and read unbelievably similar stories with mine, it opened my eyes and gave me the strength to really treat him as my friend. (I set the EA few weeks ago and told him since a month ago I just wanted us to be friends. I stick to the point where I didn't want to loose him completely therefore I tried to keep him as a friend). He still at times tried to win my heart again, but I didn't care. We met ocassionally for lunch or dinner. But I guess yesterday would be my final wanting to be friend speech! His W emailed me (maybe she sensed that he was back with me again, and therefore took his cell and opened his inbox), she was angry at me and I replied to her that we're only friends and I'm different now, I'm slowly over her H (in a straight manner to her, but in a mean and harsh way to him) and I cc-ed him! There you go...I guess he's not replying means I've lost him as a friend too. (wish we never crossed those boundaries!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Share Posted May 26, 2014 How is the bridge burned if you see him every Sunday? Are you suggesting that no one in your church will notice the sudden change in you - one who once engaged your OM now is cold, angry, sullen and distant - for now anyway. Is it your plan to treat him like this forever? To say "hi" and be cordial to everyone but him - hate to say it but that rather sharp turn in behavior will be noticed. I would suggest finding another church. You may be correct in this comment re finding another church. Yesterday, we came face to face and were alone by ourselves in one of the buildings prepping for an upcoming activity. He walked over and grabbed me, pulled me tight. saying "I love you [my name], I miss you," and kissed me. Unfortunately, I am putty in his hands. And after he thinks about what happened, he will feel guilt, and here we go again. Darn it, I'd just reached "acceptance" of our situation that he will never leave his W and now I'm hurting in a "yearning" way again. I asked him how we ended up alone in the first place, and he said he'd set it up to happen so he could see me. He also ended up showing up at my daughter's HS grad Friday night (with wife) as he likes her and taught her in Sunday School for many years, after I told him he shouldn't attend. He didn't sit with us as I'd saved seats for the invitees and some were from church, others were family, none were available. He's been looking so sad since our last discussion ... he was sparkling and smiling yesterday. But we will never be. Darn it. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 Good for you. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio Chick Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 I would suggest finding another church. jwi71, I respectfully disagree strongly with you. Even if her motivations are to let people see, she should haven't to be the one to find another church. Why isn't HE finding another church? I hope people do notice the change, especially his wife. He deserves to be revealed for the hypocritical fraud he is. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 You may be correct in this comment re finding another church. Yesterday, we came face to face and were alone by ourselves in one of the buildings prepping for an upcoming activity. He walked over and grabbed me, pulled me tight. saying "I love you [my name], I miss you," and kissed me. Unfortunately, I am putty in his hands. And after he thinks about what happened, he will feel guilt, and here we go again. Darn it, I'd just reached "acceptance" of our situation that he will never leave his W and now I'm hurting in a "yearning" way again. I asked him how we ended up alone in the first place, and he said he'd set it up to happen so he could see me. He also ended up showing up at my daughter's HS grad Friday night (with wife) as he likes her and taught her in Sunday School for many years, after I told him he shouldn't attend. He didn't sit with us as I'd saved seats for the invitees and some were from church, others were family, none were available. He's been looking so sad since our last discussion ... he was sparkling and smiling yesterday. But we will never be. Darn it. Every encounter sets you back. I would find another church and begin working on extracting you from his "Spell". Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 jwi71, I respectfully disagree strongly with you. Even if her motivations are to let people see, she should haven't to be the one to find another church. Why isn't HE finding another church? I said the OP should leave as the MM isn't posting here - or I would tell him as well. Given that I am speaking to OP and given that we cannot control others - I suggest the only person she CAN control (herself) leaves. I hope people do notice the change, especially his wife. He deserves to be revealed for the hypocritical fraud he is. Agreed. The whole flock should consider changing to another church as clearly, despite regular attendance, they aren't learning anything. Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 ...were alone by ourselves in one of the buildings prepping for an upcoming activity. He walked over and grabbed me, pulled me... Oh gosh, was that during the church time? I think the church-going people should be more god conscious, especially at the church (if not why even bother going), you know, like whenever the verses of the Most-merciful are read unto them, they fall down, prostrating themselves and weeping. Did he forgot that the most honored of us in the sight of God is the one who is most God conscious and God has full knowledge and is acquainted of all things that we do?. Maybe he just doesn't care of all that, for him, his satisfaction comes first exceeding other values/teachings, and ahead of the consequences to other peoples (you here). Hopefully you will be strong and patience resisting him (and your emotions), don't give up because of tiny setbacks. Move forward again, you have reached the "acceptance" point before, of course you can go further than that now and heal completely. Lastly, there are so many ways you can use to avoid him, or to put him off. It is just whether you are willing to act on it or not. Take care, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Share Posted May 27, 2014 Oh gosh, was that during the church time? I think the church-going people should be more god conscious, especially at the church (if not why even bother going), you know, like whenever the verses of the Most-merciful are read unto them, they fall down, prostrating themselves and weeping. Did he forgot that the most honored of us in the sight of God is the one who is most God conscious and God has full knowledge and is acquainted of all things that we do?. Maybe he just doesn't care of all that, for him, his satisfaction comes first exceeding other values/teachings, and ahead of the consequences to other peoples (you here). Hopefully you will be strong and patience resisting him (and your emotions), don't give up because of tiny setbacks. Move forward again, you have reached the "acceptance" point before, of course you can go further than that now and heal completely. Lastly, there are so many ways you can use to avoid him, or to put him off. It is just whether you are willing to act on it or not. Take care, good luck. After church. Everyone was gone except for our group as we are preparing to kick off summer vacation bible school next week. He and I have been the recreation leaders for years and there were things to gather. I was upstairs taking an inventory of what we had when he came in and started working along side me. All was fine for a few minutes, then he came close and pulled me to him. I hadn't done a thing or said a word to encourage him to so so. He just grabbed me and the love and sparkle in his eyes overwhelmed me. I do not know how to make double quotes in posts, so to keep from making multiple posts, I will say my intention was/is never to be so ugly that it would be obvious we were no longer friendly. I have just sort of "faded away" from where he is and have limited my communication. I would never be so nasty as to draw attention. Everyone suspects anyway, no need to make it obvious. He left me a message today to meet him at the store to shop for remaining items. Curious about that because we don't "do" public things. I know he's trying to "friendzone" me and not talk about what happened. By the way, I did drop rec and am not his assistant this year. I won't be there, but he wanted my help setting up. Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted May 27, 2014 Share Posted May 27, 2014 good for you you daisy,you go girl I know there are many wonderful things waiting for you. you know I really hate when people who do wrong things,and have no problem doing it(I will include my fws too),will actually throw in the God card,like what you xmm said he made vows in front of God,thats just bull chit,i wish I could word it better,i know what I want to say exactly,and perfectly in my mind,but when I go to type it,it doesn't come out the same,its like I get writers block,but English also isn't my first language,maybe a combo of both take care of yourself Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 He left me a message today to meet him at the store to shop for remaining items... This guy, he's relentless in pulling you in, and (almost) ingenious one at that. Of course there will always be remaining items, and tasks, (and alone times). Doesn't he realizes it by now how much troubles he has caused to your life? Hopefully you can be smarter than him this time. Indeed, I believe this is your chance to prove it. Just an easy no. Maybe next time those sparkles (ugh..) won't overwhelm you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 Girl, what's wrong with you? This guy is a perv. And you are a willing participant, in denial. Come on. Who do you think you are kidding? Go to another Church if you are seriou on mending your ways. Instead of waiting for him to set up romantic settings in God's house. Oh, dear. How mental is that? Y Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 I'm on board with giving you the support of a good ear and kind words. Be persistent in keeping distance. Your heart and your head are miles apart. Its time to listen to your head, it will tend to your heartaches. I was disturbed that he took liberty with you. That was a disrespecting to your decision. One thing I have learned to do is carry an item- a book or a small purse to create a barrier. And on the rare occassions I tap them with it to let them know its not okay to come any closer. No means NO. Sometimes staying strong is to acknowledge your limitations and prevent future run ins. May you heal from this at your own pace... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 Last week I blocked my mm of 3 years who I'm trying to be just friends with. I felt I was becoming a burden and my heart hurts loving him. So I discovered I'm now able to block on my iPhone, so I did just that, and went dark. Four days later he shows up knocking on my door. Obviously, H wasn't home and my kids were gone as well (grown teens, not children). He said he wasn't sure what he'd have said if my kids had been home, although they know him well from church. He's never been to my house or put himself out for me...not once. He said he was worried ... asking if my phone got cut off, was I okay ... tried to call me at work but couldn't get through and txt'd me also (he never texts). He hates dogs, but since I was walking my dogs at that time, he offered to walk and talk with me. Same old story. He loves me but just cannot get divorced again as it would be his third, and went through his story of his marriages and this one. He swears she has no interest or need of him, and holds to this. He says we can dream of a future together, but I know it can't happen since he won't D. All he can offer me is what he can give and it's my decision to make. I am just floored that he did this. He's never gone out of his way for me. I've always been at his convenience. Knocking on my door is the last thing I'd EVER expected from him. Not in this lifetime. He'd once told me if I quit answering my phone, he'd take it as a sign and quit calling. So I gave him his out. Just wow.... I'm at a loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 If I were in your situation, I'd be nervous he'll tell your H if you do not continue the affair with him :-/ you got his attention by going dark but still won't get divorced, why do they hold on, ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Daisy, what he did was extremely disrespectful and selfish. What if your husband was home? This is just insane. Please tell him you are no longer interested and not to contact you anymore. It's amazing how desperate some mm get when they realize their side dish got off the table. He obviously had nothing to offer you still, yet he put you in this awful position. Ugh what a creep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 Thanks. I have not answered my phone for a day or so, it bothers him. He seemed really genuinely concerned. He likely wouldn't have stopped if H's truck was parked. He knows my kids from church and although they might have thought it weird him stopping by, he could have thought of a reason. I was in pain in the dark, each day getting worse, but each day growing stronger. I am finding myself feeling guilty scaring him like that. His concern was something I'd never seen. He won't tell H. He would clock watch to the minute when with me for fear of getting caught. Ugh. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 He isn't going out of his way in a 'good' way. He wants the affair with you to continue. That's it. Sorry but there's nothing special about that.. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts