What did you learn in IC?

[sunburned]

I am a MW who had a short A with a MM. Mostly an EA with some physical contact but never went "all the way."

 

 

Even days before it started, I would have signed a blood oath stating I would never cheat on my M. When the A was over, I went to two different ICs and it helped as there is no one else with whom I could ever discuss it. But it really was no more helpful than if I could have told a friend. Both told me I cheated b/c something was missing in my M. Duh. Both suggested something overly simplistic like buying sexy lingerie and having a night away with my husband.

 

 

From these experts and here on LS, I did learn I was craving validation and attention, but I still don't know why. My H loves me and shows it.

 

 

Since posters here are always referring each other to IC, I figured some of you must have alighted on a great therapist. So, can you please share your ah-ha moment (s) from those sessions.

 

 

Why did you cheat and what have you learned?

 

 

I am asking from the WS/MOW perspective obviously, but glad to hear from all sides. Thank you.

[Soverysad123]

I will be interested to know too.

[hayleym]

IC essentially has told me the same thing. That I did it for the attention. And that I projected my feelings of abandonment by my father into this guy, and need his approval in place of that. She thinks I have major dad issues.

 

I'm not sure what IC has taught me about myself. I'm still very much in the affair.

[BrokenPrincess]

Can anyone answer this??

 

I'm wondering the same thing. Today I had my 4th or 5th session and all I've gotten so far is that my xMM was meeting needs that my H wasn't and that I am not over xMM because I am still in love with him and don't want it to be over. But I am asking for ways to get my mind to a place where I DO want it to be over & asked HOW. Give me exercises or questions to think about, I don't feel like I'm getting that it is my expectation of what IC should be misguided?

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I am a MW who had a short A with a MM. Mostly an EA with some physical contact but never went "all the way."

 

 

Even days before it started, I would have signed a blood oath stating I would never cheat on my M. When the A was over, I went to two different ICs and it helped as there is no one else with whom I could ever discuss it. But it really was no more helpful than if I could have told a friend. Both told me I cheated b/c something was missing in my M. Duh. Both suggested something overly simplistic like buying sexy lingerie and having a night away with my husband.

 

 

From these experts and here on LS, I did learn I was craving validation and attention, but I still don't know why. My H loves me and shows it.

 

 

Since posters here are always referring each other to IC, I figured some of you must have alighted on a great therapist. So, can you please share your ah-ha moment (s) from those sessions.

 

 

Why did you cheat and what have you learned?

 

 

I am asking from the WS/MOW perspective obviously, but glad to hear from all sides. Thank you.

I think anyone going to IC for "the answer" is seriously misguided. IC is to assist you, guide you...only you can FIX yourself. I have had two therapists before my current one. The one I see now I truly like. But, at the same time you have to want to hear what they are saying to you. Some people have the misguided idea that IC will fix things and make you all better... it didn't work that way. The fix comes from within. You have to dig deep and work on yourself,your self esteem, your happiness. Yes, my marriage is lacking things...but filling my void with XMM, only made things worse not better.

When you get sick of feeling like a used piece of ****, have respect for yourself, and want to live YOUR life again....you will do the work to feel better about yourself, your marriage, and shut the door to the emotional leech you think or thought made you happy.

I'm telling you... I worked on me, with the help of my therapist and I woke up over 3 weeks ago..and I flipped the switch OFF... and I refuse to look back! REFUSE to let someone control me or my feelings anymore. Forget love... they love themselves.

 

Want more for yourself...use the IC as a tool to work through your emotions, not as a fix. Do the tough work...and you will get your life back and feel so much better!!! Get rid of the rockweighing you down...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think anyone going to IC for "the answer" is seriously misguided. IC is to assist you, guide you...only you can FIX yourself. I have had two therapists before my current one. The one I see now I truly like. But, at the same time you have to want to hear what they are saying to you. Some people have the misguided idea that IC will fix things and make you all better... it didn't work that way. The fix comes from within. You have to dig deep and work on yourself,your self esteem, your happiness. Yes, my marriage is lacking things...but filling my void with XMM, only made things worse not better.

When you get sick of feeling like a used piece of ****, have respect for yourself, and want to live YOUR life again....you will do the work to feel better about yourself, your marriage, and shut the door to the emotional leech you think or thought made you happy.

I'm telling you... I worked on me, with the help of my therapist and I woke up over 3 weeks ago..and I flipped the switch OFF... and I refuse to look back! REFUSE to let someone control me or my feelings anymore. Forget love... they love themselves.

 

Want more for yourself...use the IC as a tool to work through your emotions, not as a fix. Do the tough work...and you will get your life back and feel so much better!!! Get rid of the rockweighing you down...

 

There's no such thing as magic! (A personal mantra)

[blue963]

Maybe they can't give good suggestions because they haven't been through the situation themselves.

[blue963]

I hope it continues to go longer than three weeks for you.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I hope it continues to go longer than three weeks for you.

It will.... I have been with him for almost four years. On and off briefly. The last NC was 2 1/2 months...until he showed up at the store I was at. We talked for another 2+ months, and one day I decided not to call him back. It's time to close the door and move on. I won't allow myself to go back to being fed crumbs... I'm worth more than that. At this point...the thought of him makes me sick. I am fueled with nothing but disgust for him...and it feels wonderful :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

[carhill]

Why did you cheat and what have you learned?

 

Had an affair but didn't cheat and MC taught me:

 

1. How to process and face fear in a more healthy way.

 

2. Accept what is real, regardless of the personal outcome. Mainly to become more outcome independent.

 

3. It's OK to be imperfect and fail.

 

I had an affair because of unhealthy coping mechanisms in myself and fear of failure. The healthy decision would have been to terminate the marriage due to irreconcilable differences when reconciling them was shown to be fruitless.

[Mickey1982]

Can anyone answer this??

 

I'm wondering the same thing. Today I had my 4th or 5th session and all I've gotten so far is that my xMM was meeting needs that my H wasn't and that I am not over xMM because I am still in love with him and don't want it to be over. But I am asking for ways to get my mind to a place where I DO want it to be over & asked HOW. Give me exercises or questions to think about, I don't feel like I'm getting that it is my expectation of what IC should be misguided?

 

 

Broken---I've been told the same thing by two different therapists. I feel as though I am tossing my $$ in the trash only to have a place to vent and cry. I've made VERY little progress after about 12 sessions! Mine has nothing to do with my childhood as I had two LOVING parents with no abandonment issues. WE can't figure ME OUT!

[sunburned]

I think anyone going to IC for "the answer" is seriously misguided. IC is to assist you, guide you...only you can FIX yourself. I have had two therapists before my current one. The one I see now I truly like. But, at the same time you have to want to hear what they are saying to you. Some people have the misguided idea that IC will fix things and make you all better... it didn't work that way. The fix comes from within. You have to dig deep and work on yourself,your self esteem, your happiness. Yes, my marriage is lacking things...but filling my void with XMM, only made things worse not better.

When you get sick of feeling like a used piece of ****, have respect for yourself, and want to live YOUR life again....you will do the work to feel better about yourself, your marriage, and shut the door to the emotional leech you think or thought made you happy.

I'm telling you... I worked on me, with the help of my therapist and I woke up over 3 weeks ago..and I flipped the switch OFF... and I refuse to look back! REFUSE to let someone control me or my feelings anymore. Forget love... they love themselves.

 

Want more for yourself...use the IC as a tool to work through your emotions, not as a fix. Do the tough work...and you will get your life back and feel so much better!!! Get rid of the rockweighing you down...

Well, it took a bit but many thanks to those who weighed in, especially you, BrokenPrincess, for getting the ball rolling again.

 

 

Rollercoaster, I didn't expect IC to fix me but I did expect to get more out of it than being told there's something missing in my M and I need a romantic night out with my H. I think there's a lot more to it than that. I wanted guidance, tools, leading questions, mental exercises ... along the lines of what BP suggested she was looking for. You say you flipped a switch, did the work, refused to let someone control you, dug deep, etc. I guess what I was looking for is HOW. I was hoping to get more direction out of IC.

 

 

And since so many posters are so quick to recommend IC to others and/or talk about what a difference it made for them, I just thought they might be willing to share more here. A physician myself, I've had access to great people but I feel like I have learned more from LS than I did from the professionals. So, maybe I am indirectly getting the benefit of the collective LS IC experience. Thank you all for that.

[sunburned]

Had an affair but didn't cheat and MC taught me:

 

1. How to process and face fear in a more healthy way.

 

2. Accept what is real, regardless of the personal outcome. Mainly to become more outcome independent.

 

3. It's OK to be imperfect and fail.

 

I had an affair because of unhealthy coping mechanisms in myself and fear of failure. The healthy decision would have been to terminate the marriage due to irreconcilable differences when reconciling them was shown to be fruitless.

Thanks for your reply, carhill. Curious what makes you say you didn't cheat. Aren't you a former single AP and xMOM?

[Waverly]

I'm glad this thread got revived. You can add me into the "meh" camp when it comes to my experience with IC. I don't know if my expectations were just too high or totally off-base or what. But I just haven't really found it to be that eye-opening.

 

I'm actually on my second therapist. Well, third, now that I think about it. My first one was a bit of a dud; by the end of a few sessions with her, I found myself literally tapping my fingers and looking at the clock. She identified the problem in my marriage, but duh, it was pretty obvious. I feel like we ran out of things to talk about; our last session, we were discussing whether I should take up sewing or take an adult ed class. Not exactly earth-shattering.

 

I then tried another therapist and she (I still can't believe this one) listened to my story of cheating on my husband, not knowing what to do, crying all the time, etc., etc., etc., and said -- exact quote, I swear to god -- "well, it sounds like you're in a real pickle". She then said I should try go find a quiet space to meditate on what was important to me, and let her know if she could help in some other way. That was a one-time appointment.

 

My latest one is better. She is a lot more insightful, and asks a lot of questions about what is happening with my marriage, how I respond to situations, and is trying to coach me on what I could do differently. I...don't know how much it's helping. I'm still trying to drag myself out of the pit of despair I found myself in with the affair ending and don't feel like I'm really ready for the coaching on how to interact more positively with my husband yet. But she's good at just reminding me to breath, acknowledge my feelings, and then try to re-focus on my actual life.

 

I'm still a mess, with the added bonus of being a bit poorer thanks to her being out-of-network. I think a lot of my problem is just still being too close to the affair (as ridiculous as that sounds -- it's been months and months at this point). Once I'm in a better spot, I think she could actually be really helpful in terms of getting me to fix some of what was wrong in my marriage to begin with.

Edited May 16, 2014 by Waverly

[Bittersweetie]

There was validation, selfishness, wanting to be known as me rather than so-and-so's wife...

 

But the main thing I learned:

 

I expected my H to make me happy. That was his job. And he wasn't doing it. So I looked to fill in the gaps elsewhere.

 

Yet, that didn't make me happy either.

 

Why?

 

Because the only person who can make me happy is ME. Others can only enhance my happiness, my satisfaction with myself and my life.

 

Once I realized this, it was like a switch turned on. I was able to work on myself and my relationship even more deeply. I realized I controlled my actions, my reactions, etc. Having that self-awareness really helped in dealing with the aftermath of d-day and other issues in my life.

 

Hope this helps.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Well, it took a bit but many thanks to those who weighed in, especially you, BrokenPrincess, for getting the ball rolling again.

 

 

Rollercoaster, I didn't expect IC to fix me but I did expect to get more out of it than being told there's something missing in my M and I need a romantic night out with my H. I think there's a lot more to it than that. I wanted guidance, tools, leading questions, mental exercises ... along the lines of what BP suggested she was looking for. You say you flipped a switch, did the work, refused to let someone control you, dug deep, etc. I guess what I was looking for is HOW. I was hoping to get more direction out of IC.

 

 

And since so many posters are so quick to recommend IC to others and/or talk about what a difference it made for them, I just thought they might be willing to share more here. A physician myself, I've had access to great people but I feel like I have learned more from LS than I did from the professionals. So, maybe I am indirectly getting the benefit of the collective LS IC experience. Thank you all for that.

I had two therapists before my current one. This new one seems to challenge me more. It's not just about the marriage you are in...it's really about you :-) Some things she had me so were exercises to find the good in myself. Example: make a list of things you like about yourself, write down your negative thoughts through the day...and turn them into positive ones. She challenged me to see the good...vs the bad in me. It's really about wanting to end the rollercoaster and getting fed up enough to change. Believe me...it took me a very long time to get here. I finally feel at peace. Good luck to you!! And if you feel like your not getting anywhere with the therapist...try a different one. You may have to just find the right fit....

[Hope Shimmers]

Well, it took a bit but many thanks to those who weighed in, especially you, BrokenPrincess, for getting the ball rolling again.

 

Rollercoaster, I didn't expect IC to fix me but I did expect to get more out of it than being told there's something missing in my M and I need a romantic night out with my H. I think there's a lot more to it than that. I wanted guidance, tools, leading questions, mental exercises ... along the lines of what BP suggested she was looking for. You say you flipped a switch, did the work, refused to let someone control you, dug deep, etc. I guess what I was looking for is HOW. I was hoping to get more direction out of IC.

 

 

And since so many posters are so quick to recommend IC to others and/or talk about what a difference it made for them, I just thought they might be willing to share more here. A physician myself, I've had access to great people but I feel like I have learned more from LS than I did from the professionals. So, maybe I am indirectly getting the benefit of the collective LS IC experience. Thank you all for that.

 

Thanks sunburned for posting this.

 

IC hasn't helped me. I have had the same generic experience you do. I would never recommend it to others based on my experiences.