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Wondering why? [update]


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Lucygolds

Here is where I am currently......If you would have told me that I would have an affair I would have called you insane. I never could understand why someone would not just get a divorce if they were that unhappy. My H and I suffered through some very hard times and our already rocky relationship just got bad. I felt so alone and lost. I could not even say out loud that my marriage was falling apart.

 

Every time I tried to talk to my husband he told me I was crazy, called me names. I felt broken. Believe me, I am not offering this as an excuse or trying to justify my actions. I know having an affair was the wrong choice. I know how badly I have hurt my family, his family, my husband, his wife, him and myself. I regret all the pain I have caused. D day was just a week and half ago. His W found some emails he forgot to delete. She sent me a message saying to stop screwing around with her H. He then sent me an email saying he was caught and this was it. He apologized for dragging me into it and for compromising our marriages. He told me goodbye and ask for me not to reply. I was well aware that this is how it would be.

 

We never made any promises to leave our spouses. We just wanted to be what each other needed. We told one another that we loved our spouses and families and if we were caught that it would be over. I have not and will not try to contact him. We as are no longer friends on FB and I have deleted his email. I never did have his phone number nor did he have mine. We met at the gym but I have not been going. Which really sucks because I am truly a gym rat. The build up and of us becoming friends and growing closer was at least 6 months maybe closer to a year. The relationship was almost 6 months. It was mostly us workouting and emailing.

 

We got together for sex every few weeks sometimes more sometimes less. Our feelings were getting pretty intense. He had always told me that it was more that just liking me. He even said he loved me once in an email. He told me I consumed him and not just thoughts of sex. I felt excatly the same. It was getting so hard. I really wanted to have a conversation about all this and the possibility of us walking away but this happened first. I kind of wonder if he was waiting to get caught as he said the only way he could leave me was if we were torn apart.

 

Anyway, a few days after his W found the emails she found dirty pics I had sent him. God, why did he not delete them after she found the emails? She sent me another message saying she knew everything and had all the pictures. Enough evidence for a judge. She said she was going to my H. I have already confessed everything to my H. For the time being we are going to try and work things out. I plan to set up counseling for myself and for us both.

 

I really want to make this effort with my H. The effort I should have made long ago instead of finding comfort with another man. I am not sure it is going to work or if we will end up D. If my H is willing I will do what it takes. Here is the confusing part. While, I feel horriblefor what I have done to my H and am sick over all the pain I have caused. I am still grieving for the loss of my AP. He was my friend and everyday we talked. I miss him and wonder how is doing.

 

I wonder if he misses me or if he hates and blames me. He W accused me of taking advantage of him in a bad time. I hate to think that this may be how he feels. In the middle of his pursuit of me he did get some bad news and I honestly felt like this bonded us even more. I had been through something similar. I wonder why his wife did not go to my H? I wonder if he had anything to do with that or did she just decided to stay out of it. I wonder if he will ever try to contact me again. I am sure he will not for some time. I wonder if I will ever run into him. I wonder if he will be able to fix his M and finally find the happiness he was looking for.

 

I absolutely will not try to contact him. I do not want to cause him or his family anymore problems. I hate thinking of him. I hate that I miss him. I just want the pain to end so I can give the full attention to working on my M or moving on if my H decides he does mot want to continue. I am really hoping counseling will help with this but, right now I am paralyzed in grief for all of it. I feel terrible for feeling sorry for myself at all. I know it will all get easier in time but, for now it sucks.......

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littlemermaid

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Everything you are feeling is totally normal and it sucks. Of course you are going to miss him and mourn the end of your time with him even as you try to recommit to your H. You are human, there is no way around that. Hang in there, we are all here for you.

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Poppy's sister

Oh you poor thing

 

I don't care what is deemed right or wrong by society

You are grieving

And credit that you want to try and give counselling a go and give your marriage a try.

Of course you miss your lover... Imagine your best friend just disappearing....of course you'd worry and ache for them.

Well lovers become best friends enclosed in their own secret so of course you miss and are worried about him

He probably feels same

Sadly only time will help

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Soverysad123

I am really really sorry you are going through this. I can hear and feel your pain. I too am grieving an exMM while trying to work on my M and it's hard. We never had a dday so my husband doesn't know. The pain is constant and I too won't contact my exMM but daily I am very tempted but then remember that he doesn't want to hear from me and I need to work at my M.

 

The hurt and pain is overwhelming, isn't it. But it will get easier. Each new day is another day closer to feeling better.

 

I wish you well. xxx

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Lucygolds

Thank you. I think the hardest part right now is that it feels like my H only wants to R to punish me. I am trying to give him time. I only confessed a week ago. I think about contacting my exMOM. I did delete his email but I am pretty sure I remember it. I won't do it though. I am sure his wife is still checking and I don't want to hurt anyone any more. I hate that I did not get to say goodbye. He does not even know that my H knows. Absolutely, no closure and I don't think there ever will be. I know if we are ment to run into each other it will happen......I still expect to see his name to pop up in my email. Ughhhhhh

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Soverysad123

I know that feeling with expecting/hoping for an email or checking your phone. Every time my mobil rings my heart misses a beat and then I see that it's not him but someone else and feel huge disappointment.

 

Stay strong on the no contacting, if that's what you want xxx

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Lucygolds

I can not stop wondering why my exMOM's wife never went to my husband. She sent me two messages. The first saying if I did not leave her H alone she would go to my husband. The second was after she found dirty pictures I had sent to him. She said she had them all printed and it was enough evidence for a judge. She said she had plenty to share with my husband. I assume that my exMOM and his W are trying to work things out. We have had NC for about a week and half now. I have confessed to my husband and we are going to try. It has been over a week since she found the pictures and she never contacted my husband. Why would she not?

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GreySkyMorning
I can not stop wondering why my exMOM's wife never went to my husband. She sent me two messages. The first saying if I did not leave her H alone she would go to my husband. The second was after she found dirty pictures I had sent to him. She said she had them all printed and it was enough evidence for a judge. She said she had plenty to share with my husband. I assume that my exMOM and his W are trying to work things out. We have had NC for about a week and half now. I have confessed to my husband and we are going to try. It has been over a week since she found the pictures and she never contacted my husband. Why would she not?

 

Maybe she's waiting to see if you contact him again.

 

Maybe she's afraid to contact your H. Who knows what your xMOM told her about him?

 

Maybe she doesn't want to hurt him the way she's been hurt.

 

As long as you've told your H everything and the pictures would come as no surprise, what does it matter?

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underwater2010

I waited about a month....tried facebook right away, but it sends unknown friends to a separate message box. That was one month that MOW had to tell her BH about it all.

 

FYI...I sent him every email, message, video and pic.

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Lucygolds
I waited about a month....tried facebook right away, but it sends unknown friends to a separate message box. That was one month that MOW had to tell her BH about it all.

 

FYI...I sent him every email, message, video and pic.

 

But, why did you wait so long? What led you to that choice?

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underwater2010

I had called her and told her she needed to confess to her husband. I gave her time to do that. It was more consideration than she ever gave me.

 

The simple truth is that she had no problem screwing with my family and the more I thought about....I would have wanted to be informed of the affair had her BH been the one to discover it. I believe that everyone involved should be able to make the choice with ALL the information out there. An uneducated decision is a foolish one. Also, it ensured that she would be watched and would make any future contact between FWH and MOW very, very difficult.

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Maybe just because her world has been rocked, she doesn't feel the need to pull the rug out from under your husband as well.

 

All I can do is conjecture, but when I found my boyfriends cheating, I never went to the OWs boyfriends. Of course, they left their boyfriends to be with my cheating boyfriends and my boyfriends chose them over me. Confused yet?

 

If my marriage was destroyed, I don't know that I would be so quick to destroy another persons marriage. I do have the belief that sometimes what we don't know is for the best. Most people on here believe the BS should know.

 

I'm also older than average. I'm not the oldest by any stretch, but I'm several years older than many of the posters.

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Mickey1982
Maybe just because her world has been rocked, she doesn't feel the need to pull the rug out from under your husband as well.

 

All I can do is conjecture, but when I found my boyfriends cheating, I never went to the OWs boyfriends. Of course, they left their boyfriends to be with my cheating boyfriends and my boyfriends chose them over me. Confused yet?

 

If my marriage was destroyed, I don't know that I would be so quick to destroy another persons marriage. I do have the belief that sometimes what we don't know is for the best. Most people on here believe the BS should know.

 

I'm also older than average. I'm not the oldest by any stretch, but I'm several years older than many of the posters.

 

 

I agree 100%!

 

Why hurt another when you know how much hurt was caused to you???

 

Maybe it is just me, but I cannot condone or justify retaliation. It is just not in me. I don't have to 'get even' to feel better about what wrong may have been done to me.

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spookysonata
I agree 100%!

 

Why hurt another when you know how much hurt was caused to you???

 

Maybe it is just me, but I cannot condone or justify retaliation. It is just not in me. I don't have to 'get even' to feel better about what wrong may have been done to me.

 

"Retaliation"? No.

If everyone had kept their hands to themselves, there would be nothing to tell.

 

Everybody deserves to know the truth about their own life. For that reason i think the bs should be told. If i were the other bs i would tell and i wouldn't feel even a little bit bad about it.

 

OP, consider telling your husband so he won't have to hear it from a stranger and you won't have this hanging over your head.

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Mickey1982
"Retaliation"? No.

If everyone had kept their hands to themselves, there would be nothing to tell.

 

Everybody deserves to know the truth about their own life. For that reason i think the bs should be told. If i were the other bs i would tell and i wouldn't feel even a little bit bad about it.

 

OP, consider telling your husband so he won't have to hear it from a stranger and you won't have this hanging over your head.

 

 

My point exactly. It should come from the OP alone and not from a stranger or the other BS.

 

Again, I'm not a 'tit for tat' person and it would not be in my nature to cause harm. I guess I am different beacuse I WOULD feel bad about it.

Edited by Mickey1982
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underwater2010
My point exactly. It should come from the OP alone and not from a stranger or the other BS.

 

Again, I'm not a 'tit for tat' person and it would not be in my nature to cause harm. I guess I am different beacuse I WOULD feel bad about it.

Just because I told the MOW's BH, it doesn't mean I didn't feel bad about it. My hands were shaking, I was crying and I even had second thoughts because they have kids. That being said my actions where not the ones that were damaging....his wife's actions were....multiple times over.

 

And yes, so were my husband's.....but at least he broke down and apologized. He had about an hour long conversation with MOW's BH.

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Mickey1982
Just because I told the MOW's BH, it doesn't mean I didn't feel bad about it. My hands were shaking, I was crying and I even had second thoughts because they have kids. That being said my actions where not the ones that were damaging....his wife's actions were....multiple times over.

 

And yes, so were my husband's.....but at least he broke down and apologized. He had about an hour long conversation with MOW's BH.

 

 

Underwater---I am sorry for your pain. My comment was not directed at you, but instead at another poster who indicated that they 'did not feel bad about it.'

 

Affairs are downright painful and to say that you don't feel 'bad' about inflicting that type of pain and utter destruction on another (for whatever the reason may be) is unimaginable to me.

 

That's all I am trying to say.

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dichotomy
I can not stop wondering why my exMOM's wife never went to my husband. She sent me two messages. The first saying if I did not leave her H alone she would go to my husband. The second was after she found dirty pictures I had sent to him. She said she had them all printed and it was enough evidence for a judge. She said she had plenty to share with my husband. I assume that my exMOM and his W are trying to work things out. We have had NC for about a week and half now. I have confessed to my husband and we are going to try. It has been over a week since she found the pictures and she never contacted my husband. Why would she not?

 

 

I can speculated from a BS standpoint. The threat may be

 

1) Letting you know she has something over you. BS often want to reclaim power over those who hurt them. Wants to have this hanging over your head.

 

2) A way to force you into sharing everything with your own BS - make you do the right thing so she does not have to. The threat may be simply you going to have to share it all, because I am going to it.

 

About point both points - once you disclose all to your husband - it becomes oot. She has no way to hurt you more.

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Quiet Storm

Because her goal is to get rid of you, and "telling" was her bargaining tool. She may think if she tells your husband, he will be done with you. Which sets up scary scenario for her- will you be contacting her husband again, looking for emotional support, causing drama, asking him to leave, etc?

 

Also, this is still a fresh trauma for her. After an emotional trauma, just going to work and doing your normal routine is exhausting and drains you emotionally. She may just not be ready to deal with that yet.

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Quiet Storm

I also agree that the messenger is not the person causing pain.

 

The pain is caused by the actions of the cheater and the AP.

 

The messenger is simply providing information that is relevant to the person's life.

 

I think it's ridiculous to think that a messenger is partially responsible for any pain. That would be like blaming a cop for telling you that your family member was just killed in a car accident. Or blaming a doctor for telling someone they have cancer.

 

Nobody likes to be the bearer of bad news, but it's the message (the truth) that hurts.

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harrybrown

She may be waiting until her nerves and triggers are not as bad.

 

Or she could be having second thoughts about hurting someone else, or until her H does something that gets her upset even more and then pounce.

 

What did your H say?

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spookysonata
I also agree that the messenger is not the person causing pain.

 

The pain is caused by the actions of the cheater and the AP.

 

The messenger is simply providing information that is relevant to the person's life.

 

I think it's ridiculous to think that a messenger is partially responsible for any pain. That would be like blaming a cop for telling you that your family member was just killed in a car accident. Or blaming a doctor for telling someone they have cancer.

 

Nobody likes to be the bearer of bad news, but it's the message (the truth) that hurts.

 

Exactly. You get it.

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Lucygolds
She may be waiting until her nerves and triggers are not as bad.

 

Or she could be having second thoughts about hurting someone else, or until her H does something that gets her upset even more and then pounce.

 

What did your H say?

 

Well, he called me a lot of names, which I had to take. He then left but, called later that day and said he was willing to work it out and go to counseling but, at the moment it seems like it is only for revenge. I am giving it time and know this is all my fault regardless of the problems we had prior to my affair. I should have done things differently.

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I may be spinning this off-topic, but beyond my mother and father (even that is doubful). I can think of nobody in my life, I would tell if I knew beyond a reasonable doubt, there husband or partner was having an affair.

 

So, while it isn't MY XMM BS, or SO. Or something in the affair equation that involves me, I'm just not going to do it. The reason are many. Of course, I'm also against telling the BS anything.

 

I have kept secrets from husbands or wives when told by the ther that I probably shouldn't have. But, at some point it just isn't my place.

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