Patna Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I went 3 weeks of NC, gave in & resume contact for another 1.5 weeks before I started NC again 3 days ago. During this period, he tried to reach out daily, but today for e 1st time, he didn't. I know it is best for my sanity, but it hurts when he stop. I know NC for our situation should be for life, but I can't help to feel a sense of loss when he stopped reaching out. It's like everything is over, finally. A mixed feelings of both relief & sadness. Anyway, I used to think that when they stopped reaching out, its because they respect you & your feelings & wants to finally stop hurting you. But today I suddenly had a different relevation. The reason he stopped reaching out is because he has chosen & his choice doesn't includes me. He just decided I wasn't worth enough to fight for... Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I went 3 weeks of NC, gave in & resume contact for another 1.5 weeks before I started NC again 3 days ago. During this period, he tried to reach out daily, but today for e 1st time, he didn't. I know it is best for my sanity, but it hurts when he stop. I know NC for our situation should be for life, but I can't help to feel a sense of loss when he stopped reaching out. It's like everything is over, finally. A mixed feelings of both relief & sadness. Anyway, I used to think that when they stopped reaching out, its because they respect you & your feelings & wants to finally stop hurting you. But today I suddenly had a different relevation. The reason he stopped reaching out is because he has chosen & his choice doesn't includes me. He just decided I wasn't worth enough to fight for... I feel for you. I'm going through the same phase. That's why we should not stop NC because when they stop answering we second guess and we can never know the truth behind it really. The anticipation and the waiting sucks! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patna Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 I feel for you. I'm going through the same phase. That's why we should not stop NC because when they stop answering we second guess and we can never know the truth behind it really. The anticipation and the waiting sucks! You are so right about the second guessing, anticipation and waiting. Having to restart the NC is like restarting all the initial struggles again. Argh! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I am sorry you are hurting but I think its good you are accepting where you fall in his life and have decided that its not right for you-stay strong- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 really different how men and women think.he stopped reaching out because he knew you wasn't getting anywhere with you.if you keep instituting no contact what is there to fight for? with that being said its the fact that he's married, that should be your reason for no contact. the mail mine says why should I fight for someone who doesn't want me...... I'm just giving you a little perspective that's all 7 Link to post Share on other sites
JL123 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I am in my first week of NC also. My MM has not tried to contact me either, and yes, it hurts, but we HAVE to stay strong! I think they have realized that the gig is up. That you are no longer willing to accept what he has brought to the table and YOU are in control of this. I decided that if I break the NC, that opens the door to say "Yes, treat me like crap, I accept being #2, I accept being lied to, I accept waiting and waiting and living in fantasy land." And those are things I cannot accept. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Should have said "male mind" Link to post Share on other sites
Finally Settled Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 really different how men and women think.he stopped reaching out because he knew you wasn't getting anywhere with you.if you keep instituting no contact what is there to fight for? with that being said its the fact that he's married, that should be your reason for no contact. the mail mine says why should I fight for someone who doesn't want me...... I'm just giving you a little perspective that's all I will agree this is absolutely the perspective a man would take. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I went 3 weeks of NC, gave in & resume contact for another 1.5 weeks before I started NC again 3 days ago. During this period, he tried to reach out daily, but today for e 1st time, he didn't. I know it is best for my sanity, but it hurts when he stop. I know NC for our situation should be for life, but I can't help to feel a sense of loss when he stopped reaching out. It's like everything is over, finally. A mixed feelings of both relief & sadness. Anyway, I used to think that when they stopped reaching out, its because they respect you & your feelings & wants to finally stop hurting you. But today I suddenly had a different relevation. The reason he stopped reaching out is because he has chosen & his choice doesn't includes me. He just decided I wasn't worth enough to fight for... Forgive me, but I have absolutely zero pity for you. You went no contact, as in YOU stopped responding to him. He tried to reach out every day, but you didn't respond. Then he finally decides he is done wasting his time and emotional energy, and your reaction is " his choice doesn't includes me. He just decided I wasn't worth enough to fight for..." This is a direct result of YOUR actions and you want to blame him because he "didn't fight for you?" There is zero logic in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 really different how men and women think.he stopped reaching out because he knew you wasn't getting anywhere with you.if you keep instituting no contact what is there to fight for? with that being said its the fact that he's married, that should be your reason for no contact. the mail mine says why should I fight for someone who doesn't want me...... I'm just giving you a little perspective that's all Thanks for sharing the male perspective. I truly appreciate this. When I told my ExMM after being on and off so many times without Dday he accepted it right away. I told him that it's better for my mental state to stop contact. He said that he accepts it if I think that it's better for me. After two weeks of NC I texted him against my better judgement when I saw his wife and daughter and I think I saw his back towards me at the theater. Did he respond? Of course not. And then I got hurt. Well from a male perspective why would he when I already said to stop it, right? What would he get out of it? He did call me but when I answered there was no response. I guess he just pressed it by mistake. So who's back to being hurt? Me! Back to NC. Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Forgive me, but I have absolutely zero pity for you. You went no contact, as in YOU stopped responding to him. He tried to reach out every day, but you didn't respond. Then he finally decides he is done wasting his time and emotional energy, and your reaction is " his choice doesn't includes me. He just decided I wasn't worth enough to fight for..." This is a direct result of YOUR actions and you want to blame him because he "didn't fight for you?" There is zero logic in this situation. Fighting for her is not trying to get in touch everyday, giving her nothing but words. Fighting for her would be doing the right thing and approach her saying he wanted to talk and be upfront about what it was. "I want to be with you, let's talk, I'm getting a divorce". Or do you really think that if she had replied, something would've changed? I didn't go NC with xMM, but the two months after breakup he would send me lots of messages saying how much he missed me, how much he thinked about us, etc etc. And always replied cordially. I was protecting myself. Once again, I saw no actions backing up words. This is not fighting for me. It's fighting for him. For the things that make him comfortable, not wanting to give up on any of them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Forgive me, but I have absolutely zero pity for you. You went no contact, as in YOU stopped responding to him. He tried to reach out every day, but you didn't respond. Then he finally decides he is done wasting his time and emotional energy, and your reaction is " his choice doesn't includes me. He just decided I wasn't worth enough to fight for..." This is a direct result of YOUR actions and you want to blame him because he "didn't fight for you?" There is zero logic in this situation. Nonsense. I got the same crap from my xMM. Two years of waiting for him, standing by him, going through all the bs of knowing he was sleeping with another woman every night while telling me how much he wanted to be with me, etc. Then when I couldn't take anymore, it was me that didn't love him enough and turned away from him. That is nothing more than an excuse for xMM to use to alleviate their own guilt and walk away without taking any blame. His words mean nothing without actions to back them up. His actions are to stay married. How long is she supposed to hang on waiting for that to change while he reaches out to her every day with nothing but words? OP, please don't listen to this ridiculousness. Your MM made his choice, just like mine did. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I'm at 3 1/2 months of NC. I reached out just once via an e-mail---I have no idea if he received it or not beacuse it was 'our' account. It may be closed, he may not check it or he may have seen it and has chosen NOT to respond. I will NEVER break NC again---NEVER! My therapist tells me that perhaps he is 'afraid' to reach out for one simple reason----he knows that it will restart something that he cannot finish. It doesn't really matter though, does it? Rick has said it best over and over again and his words resonate with me as I read these posts....why would I fight or want to be with someone who does not want me????? Why? My exMM has made his choice. He chose her. The reasons WHY don't really matter any more......... 11 Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I'm at 3 1/2 months of NC. I reached out just once via an e-mail---I have no idea if he received it or not beacuse it was 'our' account. It may be closed, he may not check it or he may have seen it and has chosen NOT to respond. I will NEVER break NC again---NEVER! My therapist tells me that perhaps he is 'afraid' to reach out for one simple reason----he knows that it will restart something that he cannot finish. It doesn't really matter though, does it? Rick has said it best over and over again and his words resonate with me as I read these posts....why would I fight or want to be with someone who does not want me????? Why? My exMM has made his choice. He chose her. The reasons WHY don't really matter any more......... Exactly, Mickey. I reached out once too. When his friend died in April, I sent a condolence email and we exchanged a couple of very brief emails about the situation. I'm glad that I expressed my sympathies, but the coldness and business like tone of the emails hurt like crazy. He never said a personal thing to me, never asked how I was, nothing. It set me back big time for several days. I spent days crying and hurting over it. I'll never do it again and when I think I want to, I just remember how I felt those days. Yup, Rick is right. Why would I fight any longer for someone that never once really fought for me? After he showed me so strongly exactly what he thought about my feelings, why in the world would I ever show him those feelings and open myself up to that kind of pain again? When push came to shove, he made his choice. Whether it was because he was afraid, because he didn't want to "lose his stuff in a divorce", because he realized he still loved her, because he really was using me for nothing but a side dish all along, what does it matter at this point? He made his choice. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Nonsense. I got the same crap from my xMM. Two years of waiting for him, standing by him, going through all the bs of knowing he was sleeping with another woman every night while telling me how much he wanted to be with me, etc. Then when I couldn't take anymore, it was me that didn't love him enough and turned away from him. That is nothing more than an excuse for xMM to use to alleviate their own guilt and walk away without taking any blame. Exactly! OP, he made his choice. Let him live with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 He never said a personal thing to me, never asked how I was, nothing. It set me back big time for several days. I spent days crying and hurting over it. I'll never do it again and when I think I want to, I just remember how I felt those days. Last saturday completed a year since my grandfather's passed away. He was one of the most important people to me. When he died, I was with xMM on holiday. It was also the date of his mother's birthday. Plus, two weeks ago we chatted briefly and I mentioned the day was coming, and that we were having a service at the church. He said "these days will be hard on you". A week went by and he said nothing. On friday I e-mailed him saying "wish your mother a happy birthday from me" (she knows me, just doesn't know we had an affair). He said "thanks". Didn't mention my grandfather. Didn't ask how I was. Nothing. This coming from a person who said he loved me above all things, who was sending me songs and telling me how much he missed me. He had plenty of reasons to remember; he didn't or, if he did, didn't care to mention it. I wasn't surprised though. I'm sure he misses me; he misses what he GOT from me. There was never much in return. (sorry OP, just sharing; didn't mean to go off topic). Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Exactly, Mickey. I reached out once too. When his friend died in April, I sent a condolence email and we exchanged a couple of very brief emails about the situation. I'm glad that I expressed my sympathies, but the coldness and business like tone of the emails hurt like crazy. He never said a personal thing to me, never asked how I was, nothing. It set me back big time for several days. I spent days crying and hurting over it. I'll never do it again and when I think I want to, I just remember how I felt those days. Yup, Rick is right. Why would I fight any longer for someone that never once really fought for me? After he showed me so strongly exactly what he thought about my feelings, why in the world would I ever show him those feelings and open myself up to that kind of pain again? When push came to shove, he made his choice. Whether it was because he was afraid, because he didn't want to "lose his stuff in a divorce", because he realized he still loved her, because he really was using me for nothing but a side dish all along, what does it matter at this point? He made his choice. GreySkyMorning....Believe me, I still have my days when I am sad and I question everything and wonder HOW he could do it to ME? But, I gain NOTHING from beating myself up over this again, again and again since January. I was recently at a conference where I met a married man who I chatted with and walked away from after he basically asked me to have a one night stand with him. Nevertheless, he had the odacity to say to me directly, " I've had many affairs and will continue to do so. But, I will NEVER leave my wife. I married her and she is the one I am supposed to spend my life with." Enough said.......................... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 GreySkyMorning....Believe me, I still have my days when I am sad and I question everything and wonder HOW he could do it to ME? But, I gain NOTHING from beating myself up over this again, again and again since January. I was recently at a conference where I met a married man who I chatted with and walked away from after he basically asked me to have a one night stand with him. Nevertheless, he had the odacity to say to me directly, " I've had many affairs and will continue to do so. But, I will NEVER leave my wife. I married her and she is the one I am supposed to spend my life with." Enough said.......................... Wow, what a moron Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 Wow, what a moron EXACTLY... and, he is a COP from a major U.S. CITY, nonetheless. If I had my sneakers on, I would have ran even faster! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patna Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 really different how men and women think.he stopped reaching out because he knew you wasn't getting anywhere with you.if you keep instituting no contact what is there to fight for? with that being said its the fact that he's married, that should be your reason for no contact. the mail mine says why should I fight for someone who doesn't want me...... I'm just giving you a little perspective that's all Thanks for sharing from a man's perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patna Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 Fighting for her is not trying to get in touch everyday, giving her nothing but words. Fighting for her would be doing the right thing and approach her saying he wanted to talk and be upfront about what it was. "I want to be with you, let's talk, I'm getting a divorce". Or do you really think that if she had replied, something would've changed? I didn't go NC with xMM, but the two months after breakup he would send me lots of messages saying how much he missed me, how much he thinked about us, etc etc. And always replied cordially. I was protecting myself. Once again, I saw no actions backing up words. This is not fighting for me. It's fighting for him. For the things that make him comfortable, not wanting to give up on any of them. Exactly! Staying in touch with me or reaching out doesn't means he wants me. Love what you said. I tried to stay in contact initially as friends and being cordial, but it was tough for me. I was an emotional wreck on the inside every time we spoke or met. I decided I had to protect myself if he couldn't care less about my feelings, thus NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patna Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 Last saturday completed a year since my grandfather's passed away. He was one of the most important people to me. When he died, I was with xMM on holiday. It was also the date of his mother's birthday. Plus, two weeks ago we chatted briefly and I mentioned the day was coming, and that we were having a service at the church. He said "these days will be hard on you". A week went by and he said nothing. On friday I e-mailed him saying "wish your mother a happy birthday from me" (she knows me, just doesn't know we had an affair). He said "thanks". Didn't mention my grandfather. Didn't ask how I was. Nothing. This coming from a person who said he loved me above all things, who was sending me songs and telling me how much he missed me. He had plenty of reasons to remember; he didn't or, if he did, didn't care to mention it. I wasn't surprised though. I'm sure he misses me; he misses what he GOT from me. There was never much in return. (sorry OP, just sharing; didn't mean to go off topic). C00kie, go ahead and rant we all need an outlet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patna Posted May 9, 2014 Author Share Posted May 9, 2014 Sharing these 2 quotes Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do. Because, sometimes, you mean nothing... to someone who means everything to you. Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You know she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted May 9, 2014 Share Posted May 9, 2014 I tried to stay in contact initially as friends and being cordial, but it was tough for me. I was an emotional wreck on the inside every time we spoke or met. I decided I had to protect myself if he couldn't care less about my feelings, thus NC. I really like this. It's exactly the way I feel. They are toxic and we're better off without them. At least we can find some peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted May 10, 2014 Share Posted May 10, 2014 I am in my first week of NC also. My MM has not tried to contact me either, and yes, it hurts, but we HAVE to stay strong! I think they have realized that the gig is up. That you are no longer willing to accept what he has brought to the table and YOU are in control of this. I decided that if I break the NC, that opens the door to say "Yes, treat me like crap, I accept being #2, I accept being lied to, I accept waiting and waiting and living in fantasy land." And those are things I cannot accept. Yes. Keep thinking like this. You are protecting yourself now. You will be OK, and you know it. He's just not worth the pain anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
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