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Soverysad123

Hello. About 6 weeks ago I ended an affair with a MM. I loved him very deeply but couldn't handle the roller coaster of emotions, so thought it was the best thing. I felt/feel that he is/was the love of my life but the up and downs were painful and the guilt. I regretted ending it as soon as it happened. But at the time it felt right. We have split before twice but only for a few days. For the same reasons.

 

He is in a terrible relationship although said us being together made it ok to bear. He loved me, sole mates, if I was not in his life it would not be worth living etc etc.

 

The A lasted a year and has been up and down, emotions wise. Anyway after a week of NC we spoke. I broke contact. He didn't want anything to do with me but after a few days I managed to get him to agree friends. During the last 6 weeks, he reminds me of this all the time. He is very firm but friends is ok. Anyway we had a very emotion chat on the phone last night - me crying and pleding with him for us to be more. He then phoned today and said after last night we can't be friends and that's it. It's causing him too mush stress, he is on the edge of a break down and never ever wants to see or hear from me again.

 

So today instead of respecting him, I have felt like some crazy women and called and called, text etc. he has ignored or texted back stop.

 

I will of course not contact him again and can't quite believe why I texted and kept calling. Not the sort of behaviour I have ever done before.

 

I can't believe this is the end of the road. If only I had not had the emotional phone call yesterday. We were meant to meet for coffee tomorrow and spend the day with each other next week. I have ruined everything.

 

I feel so low and out of my depth emotions wise. What do I do.

 

He is married to a very controlling women that hits him and belittles him and has destroyed him. He could not believe what I was and how incredible beautiful and kind I was. Help I am going insane.

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Breathe.....you're not going insane he is manipulating you by toying with your emotions with the push/pull dynamic. Idk your whole back story but wouldn't be shocked of the stuff about his wife being abusive wasn't just a ploy to get your sympathy and rope you in so to speak (my apologies if you KNOW this to be true)

 

Anyways, you need to move on for your own emotional well being. You should not have to beg anyone to stay in your life :( I'm so sorry you're going through this

Do you have a friend u can call?

 

And please, for your own well being stop calling and texting. Every time he doesn't respond it will set you further back

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Soverysad123

Notthisgirl. Thank you for your response. It was like a life line. I think he feels it's me doing the push pull because I ended it with him six weeks ago. I just can't believe he doesn't want me in his life. There was no d day, no leaving families. He today kept says its him, I am wonderful. I don't get it - it's not that he wants to work on his marriage. I just thought in 5/10 years we would be together. I just can't cope.

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Okay he has an abusive wife (based on your testimony.

 

But reading here your response to his strong desire for NC, what words come to mind about the way you are with him? Controlling? Manipulating?

 

If you want this man, let him go. He does not belong to you. Give him the NC he has asked for, keep your emotional turmoil out of his face.

 

Behaving I this manner is making things worse for you, not better.

 

 

 

[QUOTE=Soverysad123;5661070]Hello. About 6 weeks ago I ended an affair with a MM. I loved him very deeply but couldn't handle the roller coaster of emotions, so thought it was the best thing. I felt/feel that he is/was the love of my life but the up and downs were painful and the guilt. I regretted ending it as soon as it happened. But at the time it felt right. We have split before twice but only for a few days. For the same reasons.

 

He is in a terrible relationship although said us being together made it ok to bear. He loved me, sole mates, if I was not in his life it would not be worth living etc etc.

 

The A lasted a year and has been up and down, emotions wise. Anyway after a week of NC we spoke. I broke contact. He didn't want anything to do with me but after a few days I managed to get him to agree friends. During the last 6 weeks, he reminds me of this all the time. He is very firm but friends is ok. Anyway we had a very emotion chat on the phone last night - me crying and pleding with him for us to be more. He then phoned today and said after last night we can't be friends and that's it. It's causing him too mush stress, he is on the edge of a break down and never ever wants to see or hear from me again.

 

So today instead of respecting him, I have felt like some crazy women and called and called, text etc. he has ignored or texted back stop.

 

I will of course not contact him again and can't quite believe why I texted and kept calling. Not the sort of behaviour I have ever done before.

 

I can't believe this is the end of the road. If only I had not had the emotional phone call yesterday. We were meant to meet for coffee tomorrow and spend the day with each other next week. I have ruined everything.

 

I feel so low and out of my depth emotions wise. What do I do.

 

He is married to a very controlling women that hits him and belittles him and has destroyed him. He could not believe what I was and how incredible beautiful and kind I was. Help I am going insane.

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whichwayisup

 

He is married to a very controlling women that hits him and belittles him and has destroyed him. He could not believe what I was and how incredible beautiful and kind I was. Help I am going insane.

 

You actually don't have 'proof' of this. If his marriage was that awful and he hated being married to his wife, he'd divorce whether you were in his life or not. For a man who told you he couldn't live without you and is your soul mate, he's certainly been cruel to you.

 

Sorry you're hurting. I hope you can respect his decision and never contact him again, grieve the loss and let yourself heal.

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Soverysad123
Okay he has an abusive wife (based on your testimony.

 

But reading here your response to his strong desire for NC, what words come to mind about the way you are with him? Controlling? Manipulating?

 

 

 

Based on what he has told me. A few months ago she didn't like the decorating he had spent all weekend doing and wanted it changed, he said no, so she woke him in the middle of the night and kept him awake until he agreed.

 

She shouts at him daily, really shouts.

 

She tells him how ugly he is and unattractive.

 

She get knifes out on him.

 

And the list goes on. She has been doing this for 8 years. Before he met me he had no self respect or like for himself.

 

Yes my behaviour has been totally out of control today, but I have never tried to control him or anyone else EVER.

 

I have ended it and regretted it too, which is not on but that's my messed up head wanting to do the right thing and my heart wanting something very very different.

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whichwayisup

So he either has been brainwashed and terrified of leaving his wife and marriage (battered husband/victim mentality) and this is why he refuses to get help, or divorce his wife ... or he has greatly exaggerated his home life situation to you.

 

Did he call 911 and have his wife arrested for assault since she *may* have taken a knife to him? File a report about this?

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She get knifes out on him.

 

And this man remains in his house with his children? I'm amazed that the plan was for him to withstand another 5-10 years of this before you guys could be together. Something doesn't seem right.

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Let me make a wild guess. He has never said a single good thing about the women he walked down the alter to pronounce his profound love for in the past.

 

Did you ask yourself if this man who is subjected to more torture and humiliation than the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay is a good man to be with?

If he is so weak with her, where is his strength with you? If he has the strength and kindness to be with you, why is he in this marriage?

 

My point to you was IF YOU REALLY WANT THIS MAN, LET HIM GO.

 

He fill find his way to the destiny he chooses if you stay out of his way.

 

If he prefers to return to this supposed hell on earth, so be it.

If not, he has a choice to be with you. Your begging and crying and pleading is only confirming for him that you are so head over heals for him he is in no great urgency to do anything about it.

 

You go NC and see if he begins to think about what his real options are.

 

 

Okay he has an abusive wife (based on your testimony.

 

But reading here your response to his strong desire for NC, what words come to mind about the way you are with him? Controlling? Manipulating?

 

 

 

Based on what he has told me. A few months ago she didn't like the decorating he had spent all weekend doing and wanted it changed, he said no, so she woke him in the middle of the night and kept him awake until he agreed.

 

She shouts at him daily, really shouts.

 

She tells him how ugly he is and unattractive.

 

She get knifes out on him.

 

And the list goes on. She has been doing this for 8 years. Before he met me he had no self respect or like for himself.

 

Yes my behaviour has been totally out of control today, but I have never tried to control him or anyone else EVER.

 

I have ended it and regretted it too, which is not on but that's my messed up head wanting to do the right thing and my heart wanting something very very different.

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snappytomcat
Okay he has an abusive wife (based on your testimony.

 

But reading here your response to his strong desire for NC, what words come to mind about the way you are with him? Controlling? Manipulating?

 

 

 

Based on what he has told me. A few months ago she didn't like the decorating he had spent all weekend doing and wanted it changed, he said no, so she woke him in the middle of the night and kept him awake until he agreed.

 

She shouts at him daily, really shouts.

 

She tells him how ugly he is and unattractive.

 

She get knifes out on him.

 

And the list goes on. She has been doing this for 8 years. Before he met me he had no self respect or like for himself.

 

Yes my behaviour has been totally out of control today, but I have never tried to control him or anyone else EVER.

 

I have ended it and regretted it too, which is not on but that's my messed up head wanting to do the right thing and my heart wanting something very very different.

I call it b*ll****,on his end,because if she was that awful,he would leave mm having A,are master liars,sly like a fox,hes telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

if he told you how wonderful,and caring s he was,would you want to be with him?hes lying to you both he doesn't deserve you or his wife,hes playing games with your heart,and your emotions,hes a piece of work

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Soverysad123

Sub - he said that she would make it very difficult for him to ever see his children. She would turn them against him.

 

He saw a solicitor and found out that because he has no proof he would lose 70 per cent of his home and his children.

 

He says he does not have the strength to go through it. He is waiting until they are grown up.

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Soverysad123
Let me make a wild guess. He has never said a single good thing about the women he walked down the alter to pronounce his profound love for in the past.

 

Did you ask yourself if this man who is subjected to more torture and humiliation than the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay is a good man to be with?

If he is so weak with her, where is his strength with you? If he has the strength and kindness to be with you, why is he in this marriage?

 

My point to you was IF YOU REALLY WANT THIS MAN, LET HIM GO.

 

He fill find his way to the destiny he chooses if you stay out of his way.

 

If he prefers to return to this supposed hell on earth, so be it.

If not, he has a choice to be with you. Your begging and crying and pleading is only confirming for him that you are so head over heals for him he is in no great urgency to do anything about it.

 

You go NC and see if he begins to think about what his real options are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So how do I let him go. He is the one who has let me go. I am the one who breaks no contact. He won't ever come back to me.

 

The upside is I have been trying to lose 7lbs and the thought of eating makes me feel sick, so every cloud and all that.

 

Thanks. Just hearing from people helps. It really helps x

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Soverysad123

I call it b*ll****,on his end,because if she was that awful,he would leave mm having A,are master liars,sly like a fox,hes telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

if he told you how wonderful,and caring s he was,would you want to be with him?hes lying to you both he doesn't deserve you or his wife,hes playing games with your heart,and your emotions,hes a piece of work

 

 

 

I just can't believe everything he said was bull ****. It all felt so very real. Not sure how to move forward. Feel like some stupid teenage having a crush. But I love him. He still kept saying I was wonderful etc today. I have messed up. He is looking after his family, his children are his world and so they should be.

 

He has never ever said anything nice about his wife apart from she was 5 stone overweight when we met and she has lost it in the last year. He said she looks better but still can't get hard to have sex with her. She hates him touching her but two nights ago she wanted some but he tried but couldn't.

 

I am just crying and going slowly crazy.

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This whole situation seems extremely toxic. There's a lot to suggest he's just trying to keep you on the hook, IMO. I assumed you have children before, but I'm not sure. If so, now would be a good time to focus on them. They need a sane mother.

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SunshineToday

 

 

 

 

He has never ever said anything nice about his wife apart from she was 5 stone overweight when we met and she has lost it in the last year. He said she looks better but still can't get hard to have sex with her. She hates him touching her but two nights ago she wanted some but he tried but couldn't.

 

I am just crying and going slowly crazy.

 

Dear girl. He is telling you he can't get hard with his wife, yet he is staying with her and refusing your texts and calls. Please step back and realize he has been lying to you about probably EVERYTHING.

 

You move forward by reminding yourself he was never leaving his marriage and is a big liar!

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Soverysad123
So he either has been brainwashed and terrified of leaving his wife and marriage (battered husband/victim mentality) and this is why he refuses to get help, or divorce his wife ... or he has greatly exaggerated his home life situation to you.

 

Did he call 911 and have his wife arrested for assault since she *may* have taken a knife to him? File a report about this?

 

I believe he is a battered man and has been brainwashed. He wont cause harm to his children. He is too weak to call the police.

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Soverysad123
This whole situation seems extremely toxic. There's a lot to suggest he's just trying to keep you on the hook, IMO. I assumed you have children before, but I'm not sure. If so, now would be a good time to focus on them. They need a sane mother.

 

You are right Sub. My children need a sane mummy. I don't think he is keeping me on the hook because he would of met me tomorrow but didn't want to because he said feelings will get in the way. He really wants out of the A.

 

But I do need to pick myself up and dust myself off, but my god I hurt. My babies are my world and they are small ish - primary school age.

 

My H said tonight that he is concerned something is wrong because for quite a few weeks I have been short tempered and withdrawn, which is totally not me. I think I am going to try and find a councillor tomorrow. Not sure how one goes about it.

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Soverysad123

When I was for a few hours texting him and trying to call him and he was just pressing the switch of button each time I called or text me 'stop' , 'I can't take this" etc. why did he not just turn his phone off. It's a personal one, he has a separate one for work.

 

Thank you for everyone's support. I can't believe how it helps.

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whichwayisup
I believe he is a battered man and has been brainwashed. He wont cause harm to his children. He is too weak to call the police.

 

Yet he is enabling her behaviour by staying and also putting his kids lives in danger. I'm really sorry IF his story is actually true, but do know that there's a big chance he's lying and exaggerating, especially with the knife and other abuse.

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whichwayisup
Sub - he said that she would make it very difficult for him to ever see his children. She would turn them against him.

 

He saw a solicitor and found out that because he has no proof he would lose 70 per cent of his home and his children.

 

He says he does not have the strength to go through it. He is waiting until they are grown up.

 

All he has to do is 'record' her abuse. Those kids also would be showing signs of 'something' if he was really being abused by his wife.

 

I doubt things are half as bad as he's made it out to be. And, when people abuse their spouses, you can also bet on the fact they are emotionally abusive at times to their own kids as well. Again, IF all what he's told you is true, he is the fit parent and calling 911 next time, having a police record of what is going on their house IS proof. This is why I doubt he's told you the real truth.

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Soverysad123
All he has to do is 'record' her abuse. Those kids also would be showing signs of 'something' if he was really being abused by his wife.

 

I doubt things are half as bad as he's made it out to be. And, when people abuse their spouses, you can also bet on the fact they are emotionally abusive at times to their own kids as well. Again, IF all what he's told you is true, he is the fit parent and calling 911 next time, having a police record of what is going on their house IS proof. This is why I doubt he's told you the real truth.

 

 

Thank you. You may be right. Although I need to stop worrying about the truth don't I? as the truth I know is that he wants me out of his life forever. This I need to work on. Oh my god that's going to be a challenge.

 

I have said hundreds of times that he is being a terrible parent by letting them live in a very unhappy, shorty home and he has said that

Waving isn't as easy and he then would lose the. We live in England and men don't do well if they are the abused.

 

Thank you for your words. Really kind that you have taken time in answering. Lovely everyone taking time in answering.

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gettingstronger

Bottom line, if you love him respect his wishes and leave him alone. He already has one woman in his life that does not respect his wishes, why be the second one?

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whichwayisup
Thank you. You may be right. Although I need to stop worrying about the truth don't I? as the truth I know is that he wants me out of his life forever. This I need to work on. Oh my god that's going to be a challenge.

 

I have said hundreds of times that he is being a terrible parent by letting them live in a very unhappy, shorty home and he has said that

Waving isn't as easy and he then would lose the. We live in England and men don't do well if they are the abused.

 

Thank you for your words. Really kind that you have taken time in answering. Lovely everyone taking time in answering.

 

You're hurting and that's understandable. His decision is his and you get no say in it, as painful as it is, being cut out of his life is something you have to accept. Let yourself grieve the loss, cry it out but know you are going to be okay. You were fine without him in the past (before you two hooked up) you'll be fine again. Time is on your side.

 

Focus on your kids, friends, family and put some life/energy into your husband, make that work too.

 

I don't think any man does well being abused. That's universal.

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Hello. About 6 weeks ago I ended an affair with a MM. I loved him very deeply but couldn't handle the roller coaster of emotions, so thought it was the best thing. I felt/feel that he is/was the love of my life but the up and downs were painful and the guilt. I regretted ending it as soon as it happened. But at the time it felt right. We have split before twice but only for a few days. For the same reasons.

 

He is in a terrible relationship although said us being together made it ok to bear. He loved me, sole mates, if I was not in his life it would not be worth living etc etc.

 

The A lasted a year and has been up and down, emotions wise. Anyway after a week of NC we spoke. I broke contact. He didn't want anything to do with me but after a few days I managed to get him to agree friends. During the last 6 weeks, he reminds me of this all the time. He is very firm but friends is ok. Anyway we had a very emotion chat on the phone last night - me crying and pleding with him for us to be more. He then phoned today and said after last night we can't be friends and that's it. It's causing him too mush stress, he is on the edge of a break down and never ever wants to see or hear from me again.

 

So today instead of respecting him, I have felt like some crazy women and called and called, text etc. he has ignored or texted back stop.

 

I will of course not contact him again and can't quite believe why I texted and kept calling. Not the sort of behaviour I have ever done before.

 

I can't believe this is the end of the road. If only I had not had the emotional phone call yesterday. We were meant to meet for coffee tomorrow and spend the day with each other next week. I have ruined everything.

 

I feel so low and out of my depth emotions wise. What do I do.

 

He is married to a very controlling women that hits him and belittles him and has destroyed him. He could not believe what I was and how incredible beautiful and kind I was. Help I am going insane.

 

 

He doesn't want to be friends because your taking away the pleasure as well. I can't say whether or not he loves you because he may very well but... He will SHOW you as well. Show you by getting those divorce papers.

 

If she's hitting/controlling him... That's abuse and he can't leave because?????

 

You did the right thing and I too, also wanted to be friends with my XMM but he has shown that unless it's on his terms and his way to continue the A.. He pretty much wants nothing to do with me.

 

He's using a control/bully/manipulating tatics because he has NOTHING else to use to keep you because your always going to want more from him. He can't give you that while bring M.

 

He'll reach out again but the minute you agree to the A again.. You'll be back to feeling emotionally drained over time.

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