elvinchild Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I dated a MM for 6 months, waiting for him to leave his wife. We were best friends for several years and he had always told me he thought I was his soul mate, but he needed time to get to know me better and sort out the logistics of divorce. After researching affairs, seeking advice, and using my own common sense, I decided I didn't believe his claims that he would get a divorce and I told him I could not continue the affair without a definite divorce. He did not respond with any certainty, so I let the affair go. Now I have found someone new. I do not have as deep a connection with the man I am seeing, we do not have nearly as much in common, our personalities don't have the same chemistry, but he treats me very well. But it seems my new relationship was the kick in the butt my MM needed. He has responded by breaking up with his wife, moving out, and asking me to come live with him. I am so confused, because I know I am happier with him than anyone else in the world, and that has been the case since I met him 4 years ago, but I am afraid of leaving someone who is good to me for someone who I am not sure I can trust. I am also afraid of my MM finalizing the divorce if I cannot guarantee I will end up with him. I have asked him to wait as I waited for him for so long, and I am continuing to see my new guy (it has only been a couple weeks since we started dating). I feel like I am too emotionally involved right now to have any clear insight into this. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Trust me... unless you want to waste YEARS of your life on this guy - whether he is "the one" or not -- then wait until he is officially divorced for at least six months (preferably longer). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Whether or not he divorces is not your problem or responsibility. That is something he's doing all on his own. And you should in no way dump the single man you are with to be with a separated man. Separated does not equal divorced. Tell your MM that and stay with the single guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Whatever you do, do not go live with him. The pressure you're feeling now will be nothing like the pressure you feel if you up sticks and move in with him. One of the dangers of a post A R is feeling like you MUST make it work at all costs. Especially if it feels like he's left his W and M as a reaction to something you did. I'd encourage him and have him work towards his D and also go talk to someone. It is a huge transition to leave a M and when you do it with another party involved it's even bigger. You figure out if you want to stay in extremely low contact or not. This has to be your decision. You left him because you wanted, needed and deserved better. That hasn't changed. He isn't the man who can offer you a LTR yet. You may not want to be with him now. Whether he hurt you in the A or not, you were hurt. When DMM and I were going through therapy I realized how much I hated him for things he did that I thought I was fine with. I was shocked at how many things I resented about the A. As far as the new guy. You're a few weeks into it and you already recognize it's probably not strong enough to hold you for a long time. Cut him loose and don't play games with his life. Tread carefully with MM. Make sure you hold onto the resolve you felt when you ended things. Protect yourself and don't second guess your feelings. Be open to a degree, but be aware. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Don't be fooled - a lot of MM separate from their wives. Many don't ever get officially divorced. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 WHEN/IF the divorce is final, he can court and date you properly - if you want. But this moving in with him crap? No way... He is still not a free man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladyruby Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Don't move in with him! He isn't divorced. Your choices are currently the single man you're seeing now, or neither in hopes of finding another single man who is more compatible with you. The married man is only creating an illusion of being a choice. I hope whatever you do turns out for the best! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 I don't believe for a second he is leaving his wife and moving out. You have only been dating the new guy a few weeks -- before dismissing the lack of things in common, etc., give it TIME. Don't RUSH ... let things evolve naturally. The MM, if he is leaving, wants a soft landing...you. Not YOU the person, just you a female to take care of him. do NOT date him while he is still MARRIED. Do NOT date him until he is officially and legally divorced. See if he really goes through with it. Then ask yourself if you can trust him....if he cheats with you, will he cheat on you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 I dated a MM for 6 months, waiting for him to leave his wife. We were best friends for several years and he had always told me he thought I was his soul mate, but he needed time to get to know me better and sort out the logistics of divorce. After researching affairs, seeking advice, and using my own common sense, I decided I didn't believe his claims that he would get a divorce and I told him I could not continue the affair without a definite divorce. He did not respond with any certainty, so I let the affair go. Now I have found someone new. I do not have as deep a connection with the man I am seeing, we do not have nearly as much in common, our personalities don't have the same chemistry, but he treats me very well. But it seems my new relationship was the kick in the butt my MM needed. He has responded by breaking up with his wife, moving out, and asking me to come live with him. I am so confused, because I know I am happier with him than anyone else in the world, and that has been the case since I met him 4 years ago, but I am afraid of leaving someone who is good to me for someone who I am not sure I can trust. I am also afraid of my MM finalizing the divorce if I cannot guarantee I will end up with him. I have asked him to wait as I waited for him for so long, and I am continuing to see my new guy (it has only been a couple weeks since we started dating). I feel like I am too emotionally involved right now to have any clear insight into this. What do I do? If he is serious about ending it with her, he will do that irrespective of you waiting in the wings. If he is merely doing it to "win" you back, then it is not sustainable. I'd advise to let the chips fall where they may. F things work out with your new guy, you've lost nothing. If they don't, and your xMM is D, you have a chance to pick things up with him. If he doesn't D, you know his heart was never really ready, and you've lost nothing but the chances heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted May 3, 2014 Share Posted May 3, 2014 MM sounds in desperate mode right now. Hes got major baggage to sort out. But guess who doesn't.....? YOU Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts