Married OW vs. Single OW

[QuakerOats]

It seems to me, from reading here that the only "happy" OW's are the ones in affairs themselves. Is this your impression? I assume the MOW has the "stability" of a homelife and the OM is more of a sexual/emotional augmentation?

[Nattie]

I'm a MOW, and I think it's because we're occupied. I've always said I cannot imagine being with my MM if I were single. The stretches between meetings, not texting at night or on holidays, not getting all of his time and attention would drive me crazy! But in my case, it goes both ways equally. I have family to tend to, and can't give him all of my attention either.

[QuakerOats]

Nattie, thanks for the reply. You never get jealous of his W? Are you fearful of a d day? Is he? How does it impact your relationship with your H? Does it change your sex life at home?

 

Sorry for all the questions, I guess the other MOW thread has peaked my curiosity.

[oldshirt]

If all a guy is wanting is an extra source of poon and isn't wanting to put up with any of the other aspects of relationships, there is no better source than married women.

 

Married women typically already have the cars, the house, the kids and the companionship and support of a man in the house. The ones that are bored or lonely or sexually dissatisfied are the low hanging fruit that appreciates the sexual chemistry and the hot, monkey sex but doesn't need or even necessarily even want any of the other things like wining and dining and late night phone calls and walks through the park and sometimes the only thing they to have in common or agree on is that his penis fits in her vagina.

 

If a guy is wanting to ride off into the sunset with his special someone to make a home and family and life with, a married woman would probably be the worst choice. But if all a guy wants is a nasty roll in the hay and nothing else, often times a single gal is the worst for that.

[KathyM]

Single OW usually expect more from an affair relationship than MOW, and will often want much more than an affair. MOW are usually content to stay in the role of OW and won't have a lot of expectations. Which is more deadly to a marriage? Both are deadly. At least with single OW, you would not be jeopardizing another couple's marriage and family, and would only be jeopardizing your own marriage and family. Of course, if the WH/WW doesn't have empathy for his own spouse and family, and the damage he does to them, he's not likely to have empathy for another person's spouse and family either.

[Ailsa1983]

I have to differ on this ... I was the MOW and it was hell, having to pretend to be ok when ur heart is breaking after a fall out, at one point I wanted to leave my marriage for him and knew he didn't want to so that stung. In the end when we were caught it really was WW3 in our town year and a half later and the drama still continues - u are playing fire with 2 families not just one.

 

Single OW can walk away and restart her life, a married woman can't and is usually left with very few choices, live with the lies or destroy the family unit. Most MOW end up divorced

Edited April 22, 2014 by Ailsa1983

[Nattie]

Nattie, thanks for the reply. You never get jealous of his W? Are you fearful of a d day? Is he? How does it impact your relationship with your H? Does it change your sex life at home?

 

Sorry for all the questions, I guess the other MOW thread has peaked my curiosity.

 

I don't get jealous of her... and if you saw her you'd know why! I know that sounds mean but when you marry a very good looking man and let yourself go completely, you're asking for it. I get fearful of DDay usually right after I see him. I'll feel bad and get paranoid for a day or two but then things go back to normal. H and I have sex slightly less than we used to, but it's nothing noticeable. We have a pretty good relationship and nobody around us would ever expect it if this were to blow out into the open. We are constantly complimented on how perfect we are, and people have said they envy us. That grass isn't always greener, you never know what someone is up to when nobody is looking. Now I will say, these are my issues. My H is a wonderful man, I don't have any reason to do what I'm doing. I got hooked on the rush and excitement and then like idiots MM and I fell in love. I really would like to try and get out of this before a DDay strikes, I think I'm slowly reaching that point. I currently have no plans to see him and I don't have a strong desire to make any.

[Popsicle]

It seems to me, from reading here that the only "happy" OW's are the ones in affairs themselves. Is this your impression?

I assume the MOW has the "stability" of a homelife and the OM is more of a sexual/emotional augmentation?

 

I would not call MOW "happy" but there is definitely a difference between SOW and MOW. The affair is experienced differently by both types. Sometimes I think married people in affairs get "lost" in the moment when they are with their AP and experience these moments like a single person does. In effect, they feel single while they are with their AP and can experience the joys of a relationship with this other person. But then, they have to break from that fantasy and go back to reality while they are with their spouses and family (which they may or may not like), whereas the single person never breaks from those feelings nor has to. It's half-way fantasy for the married person, but not fantasy at all for the single person, and this is where problems come in. Single AP's begin to pressure the MAP to leave their marriage and be with them permanently. Whereas two married AP's, neither of which want to leave their marriage, would not engage in that pressure, and even if they do, they will quickly realize that they don't want to leave their own marriage. They can just share themselves with each other and BOTH go back to their married lives. Check out craigslist for fun sometime. There are TONS of MM specifically searching for MOW to have a discrete A with. They don't want SOW because there is less pressure with a MOW who has no intention of leaving their M either.

 

This is just my humble opinion, but I believe that SOW experience more pain during A's than MOW, but I believe that SOW have a happier future outlook than MOW after the A has ended, so SOW experience less pain afterwards than MOW.

[QuakerOats]

Popsicle...that was a really good analysis. I never really thought that it must be hard for some MOW to go back to their marriages and need to pretend that all is well and good.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle...that was a really good analysis. I never really thought that it must be hard for some MOW to go back to their marriages and need to pretend that all is well and good.

 

 

Yes. I imagine it must be extremely hard.

[Ailsa1983]

The real difference is when you are married you have to hide your feelings even if your heartbroken

 

Example: Myself and eMM had a fall out and decided enough was enough, I was broken, cried all the way home, had to get myself together walk inside and pretend I was ok, make the dinner, bathe the kids and carry on conversations with my husband even though all I wanted to do was go to bed and cry.

[Popsicle]

The real difference is when you are married you have to hide your feelings even if your heartbroken

 

Example: Myself and eMM had a fall out and decided enough was enough, I was broken, cried all the way home, had to get myself together walk inside and pretend I was ok, make the dinner, bathe the kids and carry on conversations with my husband even though all I wanted to do was go to bed and cry.

 

That is so crazy. Talk about feeling alone?

[Ailsa1983]

That is so crazy. Talk about feeling alone?

 

Yep, you are living 2 lives it's hard but you convince yourself that you are happy with it, until you have a falling out/break-up then you really are on your own having to deal with your emotions. There was another thread up the other day about a woman who felt suicidal after her break up with MM and I could relate to that.

[Popsicle]

Yep, you are living 2 lives it's hard but you convince yourself that you are happy with it, until you have a falling out/break-up then you really are on your own having to deal with your emotions. There was another thread up the other day about a woman who felt suicidal after her break up with MM and I could relate to that.

 

Where is that thread?

[MissBee]

I wouldn't necessarily say MOW are always happier, but I could see where it may be more true than for the single OW. The MOW and her MM are on more of an equal playing field...both have spouses,a marriage, sometimes family and understand each other's limitations and seem to work better with the limitations. It seems when both people are married the expectations on each other are more realistic and both are more cognizant of the risks and play things accordingly. Things usually seem to get chaotic though when it no longer becomes symmetrical, i.e. when one person decides to leave their marriage and the other doesn't....then the drama starts.

 

I think single OW with MM are not on an even playing field for obvious reasons. Namely, she is single and he is her sole relationship most times and she affords him priority and acts like he is her regular bf and has certain expectations which many MM cannot always fulfill as he is clearly married with a family and other obligations and she will often have to take a back seat sometimes.

 

I think being a happy OW usually means you are content with the affair as an affair and have no real need for more. For the MOW it makes sense why she may be happier then, as if she also has a family she doesn't plan to leave and doesn't plan to divorce, then she doesn't want more than an affair, and the cake-eating is two-way, her and her MM, so it works out. But the cake-eating is one-sided in the single OW/MM affair and usually most single OW don't actually enjoy the affair as an affair and would like for it to be a regular relationship...so there is simply more frustration, more compromising of self often etc.

[Realist3]

The real difference is when you are married you have to hide your feelings even if your heartbroken

 

Example: Myself and eMM had a fall out and decided enough was enough, I was broken, cried all the way home, had to get myself together walk inside and pretend I was ok, make the dinner, bathe the kids and carry on conversations with my husband even though all I wanted to do was go to bed and cry.

 

THIS right here is the hardest thing for both of us. You could be on cloud 9, or in the depths of hell; and you have to act like everything is just fine. One might think after years of practice it gets easier, but it doesn't.

[Ailsa1983]

THIS right here is the hardest thing for both of us. You could be on cloud 9, or in the depths of hell; and you have to act like everything is just fine. One might think after years of practice it gets easier, but it doesn't.

 

No it gets harder and more twisted

[Furious]

I'm a MOW, and I think it's because we're occupied. I've always said I cannot imagine being with my MM if I were single. The stretches between meetings, not texting at night or on holidays, not getting all of his time and attention would drive me crazy! But in my case, it goes both ways equally. I have family to tend to, and can't give him all of my attention either.

 

This an interesting observation. Is the affair good, as in good enough as filler to both your busy lives and commitments toward your marriage and children.

 

I'm curious, is the marriage a distraction from the affair or is the affair a distraction from the marriage. Or is the drama in balancing parallel relationships something that fills up the ordinary in your lives.

 

Married affair partners, negotiate the "rules", but it seems there's a power struggle and a passive aggressive need to hold the power dynamic in the affair. It's a though it becomes more complicated and the supplemental relationship becomes as complicated as the issues in their marriage.

[Ailsa1983]

Where is that thread?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/472628-being-dramatic-suicidal

 

This was the thread I was surprised there wasn't much response to it I hope the lass is doing better now

[dubliner]

The real difference is when you are married you have to hide your feelings even if your heartbroken

 

Example: Myself and eMM had a fall out and decided enough was enough, I was broken, cried all the way home, had to get myself together walk inside and pretend I was ok, make the dinner, bathe the kids and carry on conversations with my husband even though all I wanted to do was go to bed and cry.

 

Well that does apply to SOW as well in some respects.

If the SOW has children that are unaware of the A or indeed that their parent has a R then they too have to hide it from them and pretend all is normal.

Also due to the nature of A's the SOW may not have anyone to confide in, the isolation can be as crippling when things go arse up.

The only difference is you get bedtime/days off the kids to dwell on how **** it is to have feelings for a commited man, with no comfort at all.

[still_an_Angel]

Me and hubby were still together when my affair with MM started. There has been no dday but I am now separated from H but still with MM. I don't think I was happier as MOW than my now solo mum OW status. Nothing has changed in my relationship with MM now that I am solo. I think this is because going into the A it was agreed that there will be no "us" in a marriage in the future. I don't expect anything and continue to live my own life totally independent from his. Other readers/posters may find our relationship a bit out of the ordinary but I guess each relationship is unique in its own way. Had we met before we had our families our story would be different. But as things stand, we both prioritize our families and take our obligations seriously. In saying that, despite living separate lives, we have gone from that intense physical attraction relationship from when we first met to a stronger emotional relationship now. Its crazy but seems to work for our individual circumstances.

[Cocochai]

As a SOW, I never expected my MM to leave his family for me. In fact... I wouldn't even want him if he was to D and end up with me.

 

I have my 5 yr old that occupies my time and he also has a 5 year old (birthdays were weeks away) so we always shared funny story's of what our kids were doing/not doing.

 

The problem I had was the total disrespect in regards to my feelings at times... In other words he got to "use" to our situation at times. I was hardly clingy.. I didn't even care if we stopped talking for two days. It was the moments when HE would start to feel the pressure of his BS suspecting things and he would have to pull out or try to pull out cold turkey

 

Sure he knew I developed feelings for him. I even told him but I knew the reality of things.

 

If things were different we prob would be good together (before the A). But the costs is higher then want he's willing to deal with. He does not want his kids to suffer.

 

He can't tell me what I truly would like to hear because he knows he cant.. He's not going to admit his true feelings for me because he can't although he slipped and told me occasionally.

 

My XMM is a rough around the edges, prideful, speaks his mind, and his BS I know puts up with a lot of crap from him.

 

But most of all he's selfish... Loves himself first, kids second, and his BS just on his actions alone.

 

Not ever SOW wants the MM to leave and ride off into the sunset with them.

[bentleychic]

The real difference is when you are married you have to hide your feelings even if your heartbroken

 

Example: Myself and eMM had a fall out and decided enough was enough, I was broken, cried all the way home, had to get myself together walk inside and pretend I was ok, make the dinner, bathe the kids and carry on conversations with my husband even though all I wanted to do was go to bed and cry.

Single OW may not have to hide it from a spouse, but I have to hide stuff from my children and my family as well.

 

I think being a SOW or MOW both have challenges, pains, etc., just different types of challenges and pains. A's are just hard, period.

 

I'm guessing it's a lot lonelier for SOW? It certainly is for me on the weekends with my kids are at their dad's house and I'm left with a big empty house, empty bed and no one to call to talk about being lonely and no arms to fall in to for a hug of comfort.

[Cocochai]

My question for the MOW is, how do you go from having sex with your husbands to having sex with your a MOM?

 

As a SOW it was hard for me to consider dating or having sex with another person while being emotionally tied to the XMM. He knew this as well...

 

So if your emotionally tied in some ways to the MOM, and your H's how do you compartalize that?

 

Some Men can do it with no problems at all but just based on stories from Woman in general, we connect emotional along with the sex.

Edited April 23, 2014 by Cocochai

[Popsicle]

Single OW may not have to hide it from a spouse, but I have to hide stuff from my children and my family as well.

 

I think being a SOW or MOW both have challenges, pains, etc., just different types of challenges and pains. A's are just hard, period.

 

I'm guessing it's a lot lonelier for SOW? It certainly is for me on the weekends with my kids are at their dad's house and I'm left with a big empty house, empty bed and no one to call to talk about being lonely and no arms to fall in to for a hug of comfort.

 

You can say that again.