Livefully Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I'm considering being the other woman. I'm 47 & separated. If anyone has one thing they wish they would have pondered before becoming the Other, what would it have been? Thanks for any insights. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 How very lonely it can be. And isolating. Not just b/c they cannot be with you as much as a single man, but also b/c there are very few people that you can actually share your relationship with. I wish I had known that I could pour my entire heart and love in to this man and as long as he is in his current situation, he cannot/will not even be able to do close to the same in return. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 The loneliness, pain and dysfunction. Dysfunction in an affair relationship? Let me count the ways!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I'm considering being the other woman. I'm 47 & separated. If anyone has one thing they wish they would have pondered before becoming the Other, what would it have been? Thanks for any insights. So, technically you're still married? I'm not judging, just verifying. I guess I would wonder what you're expecting to get out of the relationship? If you just want no strings attached sex, but not be picking up a different man every weekend, I would warn you this can still blow up in your face. Worst case scenario, how would your boss and coworkers react if the betrayed spouse appeared in your office and started screaming obscenities? I would picture what your life would be like if EVERYONE found out. Married men aren't able to be there when you have a crisis or a bad day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) I'm considering being the other woman. I'm 47 & separated. If anyone has one thing they wish they would have pondered before becoming the Other, what would it have been? Thanks for any insights. I don't understand why...if you are separated you would go after an unavailable man. Have more respect for yourself then to sell yourself short by seeking attention from a married man. He's taken... If you read the stories on here..you will see where these types of relationships go...it's a long self destroying road to nowhere... chances that your story will be different are slim. I don't think most ponder about becoming an OW/OM. Obviously you know it's wrong, so just keep that in mind. I have lived through four years of complete Hell... and honestly it wasn't worth it. Would I do it again? HELL NO!!! ,. Edited April 22, 2014 by Rollercoaster Rider 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 How long have you been separated? Knowingly becoming the OW isn't a wise choice. You'd be helping this guy cheat and betray his wife, as well as lining yourself up to be second fiddle in his life since he is married. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I'm considering being the other woman. I'm 47 & separated. If anyone has one thing they wish they would have pondered before becoming the Other, what would it have been? Thanks for any insights. Can I walk away after my feelings are involved- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Livefully Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thank you all for your non-judgmental insights. I'm curious from a psychological perspective why I am drawn to this man. Perhaps because he made it clear right away that he was in a committed relationship (but not married) when we first met? Is blatant honesty about attraction and relationship status somehow a magnetic draw? Am I feeling I can "help" him through his unfulfilling relationship by giving him sex? This all sounds ridiculous to write out yet I have intense chemistry towards this man. What in me is trying to be worked out through giving myself to an unavailable man? Any insights from your experiences? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 You're asking these questions which is a good sign, but if they are needling you then making an appointment with a GOOD therapist and hashing them out there is a good idea. You will probably only need a few sessions to get to the bottom of it all. Start there before you go any further. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Attachment issues Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Is there something else unique about him besides being in a committed Relationship? I found myself attracted to my MM because we became friends first and I was amazed to find someone who thought like me about so many things. We are a most improbable couple which also made me put down my guard. Now I'm stuck. I agree with Bently, it is so lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thank you all for your non-judgmental insights. I'm curious psychological perspective why I am drawn to this man. Perhaps because he made it clear right away that he was in a committed relationship (but not married) when we first met? Is blatant honesty about attraction and relationship status somehow a magnetic draw? Am I feeling I can "help" him through his unfulfilling relationship by giving him sex? This all sounds ridiculous to write out yet I have intense chemistry towards this man. What in me is trying to be worked out through giving myself to an unavailable man? Any insights from your experiences? Thanks. Just because he's not married...doesn't change a thing. He's still unavailable. The magnetic draw...in my opinion.. he is something you can't have so you want it even more. Do you know his relationship is unfulfilling... or is this just something you are assuming? Likely his relationship is just fine. He sees that you have an interest and he's going with it. Why wouldn't he? It's always assumed that a relationship is so bad...that's why people cheat. That is so wrong. Maybe some, but definitely not all. Honestly...spare yourself the drama, hurt, and eventual shame that comes along with the OW/OM title. Find someone you deserve...not someone you will never have. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thank you all for your non-judgmental insights. I'm curious from a psychological perspective why I am drawn to this man. Perhaps because he made it clear right away that he was in a committed relationship (but not married) when we first met? Is blatant honesty about attraction and relationship status somehow a magnetic draw? Am I feeling I can "help" him through his unfulfilling relationship by giving him sex? This all sounds ridiculous to write out yet I have intense chemistry towards this man. What in me is trying to be worked out through giving myself to an unavailable man? Any insights from your experiences? Thanks. You are just asking for a big unnecessary hurt if you go for him. There are plenty of single guys out there! Ignore your attraction to him - All he is interested in is side sex and you're worth more than that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
PachucaSunrise Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 You're going to save yourself all the heartache in the whole world if you decide not to do it. As great as I thought it was, and as loved as I felt during that time, it's just not worth it. Given the opportunity to go back in time, knowing what I know now, this is one aspect of my life that I would change in a heartbeat. This is definitely not a lesson you want to learn the hard way, as I, and I'm sure many, many others on here unfortunately chose to do. I only wish I would have thought about all the pain, guilt, obsessive thinking, loneliness, stress, anxiety, secrecy, and multitudes of roller coaster thoughts and emotions my situation left me with. You're on here, which is a great thing, and hopefully by reading through some posts/stories, you will decide to do what is right for you and your situation. But always remember - you're worth much, much more than someone else's breadcrumbs. I only wish I knew that before I chose to 'follow my heart'. Best of luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ailsa1983 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) Considering it ? Most of the women u see on here never really considered it, it just happened but if they did have time to consider it I'm guessing 99% of them would run. Here's what to consider: The lies The heartache Jealousy Extreme highs and lows Agitation Sleepless nights Arguments Resentments Lying to everyone u know Distancing yourself from friends and family Constantly distracted Disorientated Crying for no reason If you can live with these extreme emotions then yeah go ahead, maybe sounds a little drastic but trust me and every other woman on this forum this is what will happen and in 6mths time u will be another statistic pining for ur MM and trying to understand why he says what he says while his actions say another. RUN Edited April 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy's sister Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 it really rather depends on what you want from a relationship. There are ( and they are very very very few) happy OW. If you have a full and happy life, with lots of friends, activites , hobbies etc and just want a man on an occasional basis, someone you like perhaps love a little but do not want all that a relationship entails, happy to maybe se him once a fornight for dinner/sex or whatever and have absolutely no need for anything else form him...if you would happily wake up alone and not wish he was there, infact not even thinkof him...then go for it. BUT...if i was you I would run as fast as you possibly can..... I have gone from happy, confident, out going, successful professional who thought she needed no one to fulfill her, who could compartmentalise like a man, who could handle her emotions...who said pah at the thought of being so stupid to fall in love ( actually didnt belive love existed) to this gibbering, anxious, permenantly tearful, needy desparate individual.... is that what you want ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I'm considering being the other woman. I'm 47 & separated. If anyone has one thing they wish they would have pondered before becoming the Other, what would it have been? Thanks for any insights. That my needs might change over time, and that the chances of his needs changing over time congruently with mine would be small. Or, my needs might not change over time, but his might. Either way, the chances of both of us down the track having your in/changed needs perfectly in tune would be small. Happily, it worked out for us, but it's a high risk strategy and you need to weigh up the risks carefully beforehand. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 SEE nothing, HEAR nothing, SPEAK nothing.... You will be swept off your feet only to realize that in the end....you will SEE no action, HEAR only broken promises and nothing either of you have to SAY will mean a darn thing. Run as fast as you can and don't look back...ever. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I will say that it depends on what YOU specifically want, too. My exH was a OM at one point and all he was looking for was a FWB. He told her up front and she was totally okay with it. It was fine for both of them (from what I hear) until she decided she wanted more from him. She ended up breaking it off with him (specifically disappearing without a word). Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 If you are still considering this after reading the above posts: please don't do it. You aren't in it yet, so you can walk away with minimal heartache. I'm a similar age to you and I've been through a divorce already. I completely understand the feelings that can make you consider this as an option, but it is an option that will only create pain for you and others. Rare is the affair that is "fun" for long. Finish your divorce, give yourself a few months...do stuff you couldn't do when married like travel with friends, and eventually you will find an unattached man. It is an organic process. I rushed my post-divorce healing and left myself wide open to be scammed by a MM. It has been over a year since I was last with the MM, and quite a while of NC...I am healing and I've already seen that by just being myself, NORMAL men are drawn to me. My daughter's equine veterinarian asked me out for coffee! Am I attracted to him? Not really, but he is polite, educated and yes truly DIVORCED (I know for sure this time...I know his exW!!). So, I'm going. Opening myself to healthier things. You may feel some desperation, or even that "naughty" rush that comes with new single status. Conduct yourself as the dignified 40-something woman you are and walk away. At least stay around here and read the pain MOST of these OW experience before "going there." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Lord no, don't do it. An affair can make even the most confident successful woman crazy. Even if you think you can maintain the life of an OW, and maybe you will even be fine at first, the majority of us cannot maintain happy OW status for very long. Once feelings set in and you know that every time he leaves you he will be going home to another, it will become a whole different ball game for you. Please also consider that the above is written by a former OW who has been very happily married to her affair partner for many years, and whose affair was probably among the most drama-free on the planet. I STILL don't recommend it!! Run. Fast. Now. while you still can. Link to post Share on other sites
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