Devastated1969 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Happy Easter everyone... I am having a low day today, been on my own for last couple of days, kids out, everyone else with their families so too much thinking time probably. Still doing well and not going to break NC but just finding myself going over things in my mind today which has not been helpful and been very tearful and sad. Got me wondering how others are getting on and if we can help each other along the right track to recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm good! I actually started going back to online dating (I debated against it over and over) but the last time I did that, I met a really nice guy. It didn't work out because I was still hooked on XMM and allowed him to come back back but we are still cool today. I'm not looking for anything serious just friendship and if there's a spark cool, but I'm already communicating with someone already. It helps take my mind of XMM big time. I won't rush into anything until I'm totally over the XMM tho this time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm good! I actually started going back to online dating (I debated against it over and over) but the last time I did that, I met a really nice guy. It didn't work out because I was still hooked on XMM and allowed him to come back back but we are still cool today. I'm not looking for anything serious just friendship and if there's a spark cool, but I'm already communicating with someone already. It helps take my mind of XMM big time. I won't rush into anything until I'm totally over the XMM tho this time. Wow, that's great to hear Coco, I can't imagine dating at this moment but it gives me great hope to hear you are ready to go out and meet some new guys. Well done you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Doing well. Still hurting every day but less now. Forcing myself to make plans for the summer and think about those. I admit I was hurt when I saw the exMM tagged in a mutual friends easter picture with his wife. Not surprised of course, but hurt nonetheless. Always little set backs but i'm holding strong with no calls, no texts, no emails. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 13 weeks of NC starting tomorrow. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm trying not to track exactly how long it's been, but it's somewhere around a month at this point. It sucks. I do have moments where I think I'll be ok, but they're still far outnumbered at this point by just feeling downright terrible about pretty much everything. (Sorry to be a downer.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm trying not to track exactly how long it's been, but it's somewhere around a month at this point. It sucks. I do have moments where I think I'll be ok, but they're still far outnumbered at this point by just feeling downright terrible about pretty much everything. (Sorry to be a downer.) Waverly I am about a month too and been doing well but still have those same moments so understand. Keep going, we both KNOW this is the right thing for us to move forward... Hugs and keep strong hun 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 TOTALLY down and out...... Missing him like crazy---rehashing some of the priceless times we shared OVER and OVER. Spring was OUR time of year so that just adds to my triggers. I miss his daily phone call. His voice. Like Waverly, I just sometimes can't imagine this person being out of my life forever. I try not to go there - or a panic attacak ensues. It's still really hard for me. I think you all get the mood I'm in. Sad. VERY sad. I won't break NC - I can't go thru bringing on more unhappiness. Just wish I could turn back time....that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 TOTALLY down and out...... Missing him like crazy---rehashing some of the priceless times we shared OVER and OVER. Spring was OUR time of year so that just adds to my triggers. I miss his daily phone call. His voice. Like Waverly, I just sometimes can't imagine this person being out of my life forever. I try not to go there - or a panic attacak ensues. It's still really hard for me. I think you all get the mood I'm in. Sad. VERY sad. I won't break NC - I can't go thru bringing on more unhappiness. Just wish I could turn back time....that's all. Mickey, hugs, I know how very hard this has hit you and whilst our situations are very different, I totally understand the suddenness and overnight change of direction that is completely shocking. You have done so well and I have seen you getting stronger in your posts even if you don't feel it. Accepting it's over is so very hard but you and I both know that IS the case and we have no choice but to move forward. I know it doesn't feel like it now but it WILL continue to get better and we WILL get through this. I have reached acceptance now and hope I don't hear from him. I hope you have found more friends you can talk to as that helps a lot. Best wishes hun. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Waverly I am about a month too and been doing well but still have those same moments so understand. Keep going, we both KNOW this is the right thing for us to move forward... Hugs and keep strong hun Thanks, Devastated. I'm so impressed by the progress you've made. Is it weird if I say I'm proud of you? No choice but to keep going, so I am still putting one foot in front of the other... thanks for your support. TOTALLY down and out...... Missing him like crazy---rehashing some of the priceless times we shared OVER and OVER. Spring was OUR time of year so that just adds to my triggers. I miss his daily phone call. His voice. Like Waverly, I just sometimes can't imagine this person being out of my life forever. I try not to go there - or a panic attacak ensues. It's still really hard for me. I think you all get the mood I'm in. Sad. VERY sad. I won't break NC - I can't go thru bringing on more unhappiness. Just wish I could turn back time....that's all. Mickey, your determination in staying NC has seriously stopped me more than once from reaching out to my xMM. No joke, I've even written out more than one email to him, hovered over the send button, and then reminded myself of something you wrote one time about how HE is the one who has left, and that HE will have to be the one to come back if we are ever going to talk again. Thank you for sharing your story here and being my ally in all of this! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Eight months -- yeh, it's a bit sad that I can still quote. So take heart, Waverly, that you don't know the exact amt. of time. That's a good thing. I am not worried about breaking it as my feelings for him have subsided, while an appropriate amt of shame and embarrassment linger. The A doesn't define me, but it's defined my past year and not in a good way. Coming up on a year since the PA "Light" started, but the EA had been in full swing for a couple months already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Thanks, Devastated. I'm so impressed by the progress you've made. Is it weird if I say I'm proud of you? No choice but to keep going, so I am still putting one foot in front of the other... thanks for your support. Mickey, your determination in staying NC has seriously stopped me more than once from reaching out to my xMM. No joke, I've even written out more than one email to him, hovered over the send button, and then reminded myself of something you wrote one time about how HE is the one who has left, and that HE will have to be the one to come back if we are ever going to talk again. Thank you for sharing your story here and being my ally in all of this! Waverly, I just know that it will truly MEAN something if he reaches out. It will show that he actually thought of ME. And, that is why I won't break it again. I may be waiting for something that is never going to happen, but what choice is there. For me, there is only ONE option now----no choices to pick from and no dilema on what is the right thing for me to do. I have to stay strong and not contact him at all---It took everything inside of me not to cave yesterday and just send a Happy Easter text, but I didn't and obviously he did not either. My therapist is telling me it is still too soon for him to reach out---the dust at home hasn't settled. He is still on his best behavior being watched. He's still trying to make it up to her and she is being 'the good wife' and showing him the love she starved him from for years. I'm not sure how much is true or not-she can only advise what she has seen more often than not. I'm not 100% convinced he will ever be back especially if things are working out with the marriage. I try to remind myself that he never was mine. I did not marry him, share his name, bear his children, yet, when I think back to he/I together, it's so hard to accept that the 'us' was not mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Eight months -- yeh, it's a bit sad that I can still quote. So take heart, Waverly, that you don't know the exact amt. of time. That's a good thing. I am not worried about breaking it as my feelings for him have subsided, while an appropriate amt of shame and embarrassment linger. The A doesn't define me, but it's defined my past year and not in a good way. Coming up on a year since the PA "Light" started, but the EA had been in full swing for a couple months already. Sunburned, after eight months you have no feelings at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Waverly, I just know that it will truly MEAN something if he reaches out. It will show that he actually thought of ME. And, that is why I won't break it again. I may be waiting for something that is never going to happen, but what choice is there. For me, there is only ONE option now----no choices to pick from and no dilema on what is the right thing for me to do. I have to stay strong and not contact him at all---It took everything inside of me not to cave yesterday and just send a Happy Easter text, but I didn't and obviously he did not either. My therapist is telling me it is still too soon for him to reach out---the dust at home hasn't settled. He is still on his best behavior being watched. He's still trying to make it up to her and she is being 'the good wife' and showing him the love she starved him from for years. I'm not sure how much is true or not-she can only advise what she has seen more often than not. I'm not 100% convinced he will ever be back especially if things are working out with the marriage. I try to remind myself that he never was mine. I did not marry him, share his name, bear his children, yet, when I think back to he/I together, it's so hard to accept that the 'us' was not mine. I think you should just start writing my posts for me... you know exactly what is in my head... I KNOW he wasn't mine, not in any way that mattered. But that's exactly what we tried to reassure each other about all the time -- whenever one of would get insecure or jealous, we'd just say "I'm yours. I've always been yours". But he wasn't. And he's not going to be. It was all fantasy. My therapist said something similar. He didn't have a D-day (that I know of), but his life was a disaster. She likened it to someone drowning -- they have to save themselves before they can start to reach out to anyone else. I NEED to stop thinking of all of the good things about him, and just remember that he is NOT MINE. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. He's married to someone else and is trying his damnedest to make that work. We're over. I am both trying to really really remind myself of that and also avoid thinking about it. I know I need to accept it, but like you, I start to seriously panic when I think about him being out of my life completely and forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I think you should just start writing my posts for me... you know exactly what is in my head... I KNOW he wasn't mine, not in any way that mattered. But that's exactly what we tried to reassure each other about all the time -- whenever one of would get insecure or jealous, we'd just say "I'm yours. I've always been yours". But he wasn't. And he's not going to be. It was all fantasy. My therapist said something similar. He didn't have a D-day (that I know of), but his life was a disaster. She likened it to someone drowning -- they have to save themselves before they can start to reach out to anyone else. I NEED to stop thinking of all of the good things about him, and just remember that he is NOT MINE. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. He's married to someone else and is trying his damnedest to make that work. We're over. I am both trying to really really remind myself of that and also avoid thinking about it. I know I need to accept it, but like you, I start to seriously panic when I think about him being out of my life completely and forever. UGH...Just looked at FB. One of his kids posted a pic of just the two of them at the Easter dinner table with their arms around each other. Oh Waverly, they look really happy. slap slap slap me in the face. I'm done. She took him back and they look VERY happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 UGH...Just looked at FB. One of his kids posted a pic of just the two of them at the Easter dinner table with their arms around each other. Oh Waverly, they look really happy. slap slap slap me in the face. I'm done. She took him back and they look VERY happy. Eh...don't read too much into that. My H and I took some pictures yesterday of just the two of us. We look pretty darn happy too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Eh...don't read too much into that. My H and I took some pictures yesterday of just the two of us. We look pretty darn happy too. It actually could be at a restaurant or resort - the more I am looking at it I am not so sure it is Easter. I think I jumped to conclusions. Maybe he took her away for Valentines Day and it's a picture from then? OMG---I'm making myself crazy over this picture. I want to throw up! :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 It actually could be at a restaurant or resort - the more I am looking at it I am not so sure it is Easter. I think I jumped to conclusions. Maybe he took her away for Valentines Day and it's a picture from then? OMG---I'm making myself crazy over this picture. I want to throw up! :-( Ahhh...stop! Step away! I'm a total hypocrite because I KNOW I would be doing the exact same thing you are. But you can't torture yourself with this! You have NO idea what the context of that picture is. Pictures are just that, pictures. They don't tell what was really going on. I have so many "happy family" pictures from the last year, and trust me, we are FAR from it. But those are still the ones that I choose to put on FB. (And my x isn't on FB, so it's not a game-playing thing with him.) Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Ahhh...stop! Step away! I'm a total hypocrite because I KNOW I would be doing the exact same thing you are. But you can't torture yourself with this! You have NO idea what the context of that picture is. Pictures are just that, pictures. They don't tell what was really going on. I have so many "happy family" pictures from the last year, and trust me, we are FAR from it. But those are still the ones that I choose to put on FB. (And my x isn't on FB, so it's not a game-playing thing with him.) Maybe I needed it. I don't know. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm afraid to look at her page, but I guarantee I will before the day is over! Grrrr Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy's sister Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I am not in no contact as you know, but in a mirtherring mess instead.... But everyone has been sweet and kind so wanted to add a big hug to Micky, Waverley , devastated and all ....it's just horrid. I don't know how human beings whatever you may think of the rights and wrongs of affairs can be so brutal with each others feelings. For you guys who just had AP waltz off saying how happy they are with wife....well I am speechless ( very rare for me ). Not to have decency to explain etc. One word of advice....get off Facebook , infact don't have Facebook at all. You are tormenting yourself. Hugs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Sunburned, after eight months you have no feelings at all? Not really, but my sitch was so different. Very short-term A (6mos including the EA). We were both cake eaters. In the beginning I was head over heels for him and he for me, but it was not a great love affair even though he told me all the time he was in love with me. He made me feel good, feel validated. I think I did the same for him. LC started when he was worried his W might be starting to suspect. NC started because what was the point of an A where we couldn't text/email/talk much when it had primarily been an EA? The last couple of months included a "light" PA (we made out like high schoolers, we did not have sex), so I only considered the A to be two months until I arrived at LS and learned what an EA was, then it became a 6 month A : ) And it's still taken me a while to get over it, so give yourself a lot more breathing room, Mickey. You will get there, but I would say it could take a year or more to feel yourself unless you're super proactive with the mental gymnastics. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm a glutton for punishment.... Her picture just knifed me. Valentines day at the beach. All smiles n hugs. $&@? IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 3 years since I last saw him, 6 weeks NC again as he kept trying to meet up again. He claimed he was seeking a divorce - I don't believe a word he says. Remind yourself, he is still with her and he has chosen. Keep working on your own health, healing and peace. He will try again, this is YOUR time to get strong and remember how awful he made you feel. I am seeing someone else, the quiet with somebody who messes with your head and your heart - is priceless. Hugs to you, keep strong and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Mickey - nobody who really loves you, would put you through this ... he's a selfish person. Don't beat yourself up for believing somebody, you shouldn't have believed in - most people who have been in your shoes, got caught up in something for a reason. Spend this time, figuring out what led you there - that is your job right now. He isn't worth the heartache he has cause you. For me, I was exiting a marriage of 27 years - from a man who took me for granted. The MM is a masterful future faker, and he will come back to try and see if you are still there. Take this time, to GET STRONG!! xo Link to post Share on other sites
Charlie Harper Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I am at one year and 20 days or so.... let me tell you how has been: first 2 weeks was terrible because I thought she was not avoiding me just some bad timing Then she told me on the phone a simple NO (we had agreed that if we broke up it would be like that a simple NO, would suffice ) I spent 3 months really depressed, it was very difficult because I missed her a lot and to make matter worse we never had a problem/argument or bad situations it was wonderful. So I exercised a lot, went out, traveled alone, and worked to distract myself, met new people, got into yoga and played guitar with my friends... AVOID seeing things from your EX, pictures, letters, presents, lingerie!!! whatever.... don't let your relationship creep back into your field... the last 6 months have been a lot easier but N.C. is the best thing. I bumped into her exactly one year after break up and N.C. we talked 10 minutes, and for me it was a surprise but it did not shake my life or feeling anymore, I am not sure about her but that is not my problem anymore (received quite a lot of compliments from her, but I did not call her or contacted her anymore) I am over it, but it took me a year and a lot of determination on N.C. Hope it works out for everyone here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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