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Why is he still txting me?


Confused cookie111

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Confused cookie111

Seems i go from one bad relationship to another... why do i always pick the men who need fixing...

 

Quick background - we work in the same office so see each other daily. Im here for 1 more year on my visa. So i know I'm going home back... He has a GF who he never seems to want to be with or see (he's also told the boys that he doesn't get any from his GF....I know this as one of the girls who is dating one of his friends told me when she was drunk.) During the weekday, if he isn't with me then he's out with his boys having dinner etc or he's catching up with his family. He never takes his GF anywhere not even to family events. He liked from the from the moment i walked in the door and had been trying to get to know me and for me to notice him for 6mths before i realised. We started by just getting to know each other with dinner and drinks for 2 mths before a physical relationship started. We have been away for weekends together and we really click both emotionally and physically. Its truly amazing. We just totally get each other. However, his GF found out about us after 8 mths by looking at his phone (he didn't know she knew his password). We decided to end it - well it was me who said 'i guess this is the end of the rd'. As he was leaving my place that night i said to him 'i guess we are just friends now' and he slowly nodded not wanting to cry by the looks of it. I said good bye and he kept saying good night instead. He finally left and i thought ok that was that, now i have to pick myself back up.

UNTIL!!

 

3 days after when i received my first contact from him:

 

'Hey, enjoying the sun i hope. I haven't disappeared completely. Hope we can catch up for a drink soon. X'

 

I ignored this, then for the rest of the week at work, i ignored him and wouldn't make eye contact with him, but could see him always looking when he was walking past. or using the printer down my end of the room etc. And of course liking every piece of activity on my Facebook.

 

Then on the last day before Easter i got another txt:

 

'Hi, hope you have a lovely weekend this Easter. You missed me waving last night on the way home. Take care (nickname). (his nickname)'

 

Then later that night - a missed call from him and another text 'night'

 

I was feeling bad at this point as it had been a week and i have ignored everything...

so on Easter Sunday i txt him 'Happy Easter... (his nickname)'

 

He replied within an hr with

 

'You beat me to it! I had that one in my head and thought it was unique. I was even grinning at the thought of you reading it. Guess it was too Easy! Happy Easter to you too (nickname). X'

 

What is he playing at?! Is he wanting to go back to having his cake and eating it too?

 

*Update* Ive been asked to stay so visa extended - do i tell him?!

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Poppy's sister

i hate to point something out....he accepted being friends and end of relationship comment and best he could do to get back in contact was hope you having nice weekend or similar...not exactly declaration of love...

 

after my AP and i decided after a week of discussing it that we just had to say goodbye....24 hrs later i got ' i still love you, please tell me you are ok ?'

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Confused cookie111

Thanks Poppy for your reply.

 

He didn't really accept it though thats the thing. I know that when he does his slow nod - it generally means I'm not sure and I'm going to agree so i dont get confrontation.

 

Also - Whenever I said good bye and he kept saying good night instead - He kept refusing to say Good bye back to me - and my guy mates are telling me thats him not accepting its over and even though I'm closing the door - he's trying to keep it open...

 

Im just confused cos all my friends (girls and guys) have all said that he's playing with me to keep the door open hence all the Facebook likes, the contact and not letting me have space. 3 days is hardly space especially when you have been trying to make eyes across the office since i broke it off!

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Confused cookie111

Oh and I wasn't expecting a love declaration.. U guess I'm tryin to figure out if he is trying to play me to keep the door open because he wants to come back in.

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I'm confused on this one as well. If he's not married and they don't have children and he's so unhappy with her why doesn't he leave her and be with you? Have you asked him this?

 

As for what I think he's doing/ thinking by continuing to text?? I think he's trying to keep you as the OW, and he's gagging if you are open to that.. he wants to continue having his cake and eating it too. The question is whether or not that's enough for you?? and only you can decide that

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Confused cookie111

He's 41 and been wth her for 5 yrs now.. She is I guess his security blanket. She was also there for him when his mother died 2 yrs ago and I guess there's a guilt factor there too.

 

Also the fact I'm leaving in a yr, means he will have to start all over again at 41. He's never made a connection like he has with me - which is why I feel like he's trying to get back.

 

So basically I see it as this from his POV - Why leave a sure thing who's there for something that's leaving in yr and have to start again.

 

 

Only that I can now stay as my visa got extended... Only he doesn't know it yet...

 

So that's why I'm tryin to ask is he trying to still have his cake and eat it too? Does he want in the door which is then a question I need to ask myself if I'm happy with because I care for him so much...

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Confused cookie111

Thanks Notthisgirl!

 

I was reading it as this as well as clearly he's not leaving me be (like a friend would) and acting as if nothing has happened!?

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Thanks Notthisgirl!

 

I was reading it as this as well as clearly he's not leaving me be (like a friend would) and acting as if nothing has happened!?

 

 

Yw...i feel for you and I urge you to read around this board...sounds like he's operating from the same playbook most (if not all mm do) ..if he's truthfully never made a connection with anyone like he has with you he would move heaven and earth to be with you. Regardless of how long you are there for, how much "guilt" he feels...sounds like a typical cake eater to me..

 

And you're absolutely right, if you have asked for space and he and not giving it he is continuing to disrespect you... Tell him to get lost before you get further in...and if you have true feelings for him let him know he is welcome to contact you once he's broken it off with his gf. Delete him on fb too

 

Luck!

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jellybean89

None of us, you included, know what game he is playing.

 

He's had the GF for 5 years and has been having an affair with you for 8 months?

 

Why is that okay for you? Why are you okay with being the mistress?

 

He's "always" with you? Really? He spends the night every night? So why is he going home to her? I don't buy the security blanket excuse nor the you are only going to be around a year.

 

I think he enjoys the sex with you and enjoys having the girlfriend at home. You are an option, not a priority. I don't care what all his friends and their girlfriends think - neither should you.

 

He is choosing to NOT break up with his girlfriend. Why is that okay for you?

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Confused cookie111

UPDATE

 

So we started seeing each other again after txting and meeting up a few times to talk. It has been great, only that we got drunk last night and he ended up staying over. We woke up and he lost his cool a little in frustration and ended up sobbing a little saying 'I ****ed up again, ****, **** - I ****ed up, its over'

 

Then instead of going home as i thought he would he stayed and just wanted to be held and we talked some more and he said 'deep down i wanted this, your the best thing in my life right now.' 'I love making you so happy'. He left 3 hrs later smiling knowing what he was going home to and was blowing kisses to me..

 

So now i guess I'm again waiting to see what happens. My guess, he wouldn't of reacted like that if he knew he would get away with it. Its been a month since she found out and i doubt she would accept him not turning up home no matter who he says he was with.

 

 

And he wouldn't of said 'its over'. if there was a chance of it being ok with her.

 

Was this the push he needed to realise she can't make him happy no matter what he tries, cos he always ends back with me?

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UPDATE

 

So we started seeing each other again after txting and meeting up a few times to talk. It has been great, only that we got drunk last night and he ended up staying over. We woke up and he lost his cool a little in frustration and ended up sobbing a little saying 'I ****ed up again, ****, **** - I ****ed up, its over'

Then instead of going home as i thought he would he stayed and just wanted to be held and we talked some more and he said 'deep down i wanted this, your the best thing in my life right now.' 'I love making you so happy'. He left 3 hrs later smiling knowing what he was going home to and was blowing kisses to me..

 

So now i guess I'm again waiting to see what happens. My guess, he wouldn't of reacted like that if he knew he would get away with it. Its been a month since she found out and i doubt she would accept him not turning up home no matter who he says he was with.

 

 

And he wouldn't of said 'its over'. if there was a chance of it being ok with her.

 

Was this the push he needed to realise she can't make him happy no matter what he tries, cos he always ends back with me?

Hmmm, I guess I will sound like a killjoy but are you sure the whole sobbing-head-in-hands-saying-I-effed-up didn't mean he effed up by sleeping with you?

 

 

I also don't like how you say you'll wait around and see what happens. Sweetie, YOU make it happen. Walk away from this guy until you are sure he's left her for good. And if you end up together, just remember he could very easily do to you what he did to her. Eyes wide open. Wishing you the best possible outcome!

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UPDATE

 

So we started seeing each other again after txting and meeting up a few times to talk. It has been great, only that we got drunk last night and he ended up staying over. We woke up and he lost his cool a little in frustration and ended up sobbing a little saying 'I ****ed up again, ****, **** - I ****ed up, its over'

 

This does not strike me as a positive sign.

 

Then instead of going home as i thought he would he stayed and just wanted to be held and we talked some more and he said 'deep down i wanted this, your the best thing in my life right now.' 'I love making you so happy'. He left 3 hrs later smiling knowing what he was going home to and was blowing kisses to me..

 

Another not positive sign. He just told you "I am NOT in touch with my emotions". I mean, if he deep down wanted you - then he should CHOOSE you. And a man does that by...well doing that - you know, break up with the GF and begin an open and honest R with you.

 

So now i guess I'm again waiting to see what happens. My guess, he wouldn't of reacted like that if he knew he would get away with it. Its been a month since she found out and i doubt she would accept him not turning up home no matter who he says he was with.

 

Exactly. He made a mistake he couldn't hide (or he would).

Honestly, and I know you won't like it - he may be 41 but he has the emotional maturity of a 10 year old. Its a red flag.

 

And he wouldn't of said 'its over'. if there was a chance of it being ok with her.

 

You're focused on the wrong thing. You see this as the chance to get your man and missing he didn't choose you. He's there because he can't fix it at home. Do not forget this.

 

Was this the push he needed to realise she can't make him happy no matter what he tries, cos he always ends back with me?

 

Do you want to spend your life with a man who must be pushed?

At 41 ?!?!?

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travelbug1996

if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. Some other side piece will come along and do the same to you.

 

good luck

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"I didn't disappear completely" = "I didn't get in as much trouble with my girlfriend as I anticipated because I lied my way out of it and am ready to resume a covert affair."

 

Lose this dude. He'll only do the same to you.

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Poppygoodwill
He's 41 and been wth her for 5 yrs now.. She is I guess his security blanket. She was also there for him when his mother died 2 yrs ago and I guess there's a guilt factor there too.

 

Also the fact I'm leaving in a yr, means he will have to start all over again at 41. He's never made a connection like he has with me - which is why I feel like he's trying to get back.

 

So basically I see it as this from his POV - Why leave a sure thing who's there for something that's leaving in yr and have to start again.

.

 

So his betraying her is somehow making sense in your mind because he's worried about starting over at 41?

 

My friend, you have really lost perspective here.

 

He is USING YOU. He does want to keep the door open, not becuase he wants to walk through it and be wiht you alone.

 

If he wanted that - he could have already done. She's his gf, not wife and kids.

 

fact is, he likes the attention and the sex and whatever else he gets from you.

 

And he likes to get those things from his GF too.

 

Go No Contact, it' the only way.

 

And everytime you see his name on your phone and are tempted to pick it up or call him, remind yourself: he never left his gf for me. he never will.

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