Quick Question - Deadline!

[sparkle008]

So..I have a question for anyone seeing a MM:

 

Did you ever give a deadline to a MM as to when he should file for divorce or that's the end? After you heard every thing, been through heck, tired of the whole waiting game, tired of hearing about the wife, etc.? And what was the outcome?

[QuakerOats]

So..I have a question for anyone seeing a MM:

 

Did you ever give a deadline to a MM as to when he should file for divorce or that's the end? After you heard every thing, been through heck, tired of the whole waiting game, tired of hearing about the wife, etc.? And what was the outcome?

 

 

I told him I wouldn't wait forever. I had my own timeline in my head and I was more than generous with him. He claimed he was leaving over and over again, but he didn't. I ended it. We are NC.

[Poppy's sister]

I agree about rights within relationship.

But don't agree anyone has rights over someone else

Wifes or APs

I cannot tell my husband or my AP what to do, but I can tell them what I expect. If they choose to meet that expectation that is their choice.

With AP ....no , never ever issued ultimatum.

 

Cannot re post but for synopsis on my situation I have just posted at length on thread about were we are in our relationships today.

 

Only issue ultimatum if you can handle the answer you might get .

Which if you are single OW and he is married ....is more than likely going to be he is choosing to stay with wife.

 

You shouldn't need to issue ultimatum to someone , if he wants to be with you, he will let you know one way or another ( my AP finds emotions hard to talk about , so uses lots of euphemisms and analogies ....I had to ask him to email a definition of what he meant ...which he did)

If you think he does want this, you need an adult, open conversation about it , not an ultimatum.

 

Good luck

[nais]

So..I have a question for anyone seeing a MM:

 

Did you ever give a deadline to a MM as to when he should file for divorce or that's the end? After you heard every thing, been through heck, tired of the whole waiting game, tired of hearing about the wife, etc.? And what was the outcome?

 

 

you know more than they do your end game. if that's your ultimatum, this isn't the life for you. just walk, if he has any intention of being with you he will follow-only accept the right conditions to return.

[Tullyseptember]

Of course you have rights in your authentic relationships. An affair relationship in my opinion isn't authentic, I believe I can express this opinion as I have been a betrayed spouse and an wandering spouse. Being in an affair after I experienced the pain of being a betrayed wife was a very low point in my life. The relationship was not authentic, it was deceitful and so very hurtful. The single other man had no rights in regards to me and I had no rights to him. The only timeline I had any business making was telling my ex-husband and ending our marriage as we damaged each other beyond repair as a married couple. It's tough to hear opinions on affairs but I believe hearing these opinions help me as a reminder of where I've come from and where I've come to at this point in my life. Authenticity and decency is what I strive to maintain:)

[AlwaysGrowing]

Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. And if yours is not wanting the role of AP you are free to put boundaries in place to protect yourself.

[notserene]

Of course you can set boundaries and give ultimatums...just be prepared to follow through.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Giving a MM a deadline for divorce serves no other purpose that to set a date as to when you will end the affair and move on. Deadlines, ultimatums, whatever, do nothing except give the OM/OW the push they need to realize that the relationship is based on empty promises and its time to move on.

[jwi71]

So..I have a question for anyone seeing a MM:

 

Did you ever give a deadline to a MM as to when he should file for divorce or that's the end? After you heard every thing, been through heck, tired of the whole waiting game, tired of hearing about the wife, etc.? And what was the outcome?

 

Deadlines have been given here. They are typically missed.

 

What then? If your chosen day is missed...will you walk?

[my_rollercoaster]

I don't understand ultimatums. I couldn't, wouldn't make someone i care about choose. I ended the affair, asked him to not contact me again so that I could morn, heal and move on. I could not be his friend my heart and his bw would never accept the friendship.

[still_an_Angel]

MM and myself are of the same mind about our individual lives. It was never in the cards that we have a timeline when we will be 'official' in the future. My family circumstances is such that I prefer to leave it as it is. We are together by choice and maybe this will continue for even longer because we place no pressure, ultimatums on each other. However, there are events in my life that he will gladly "fix" for me if I let him (work, finances) but I never ask this of him. He knows of my problems and can/will offer his opinions/help but he really has no say at the end of the day and I prefer it that way. I know more about his thoughts and feelings than his W but have the same standing in his life.

 

You know what you signed up for going into a relationship with a married person. That includes the minimal 'rights' that we have as OWs. This is our reality.

Edited April 20, 2014 by still_an_Angel

[dubliner]

So..I have a question for anyone seeing a MM:

 

Did you ever give a deadline to a MM as to when he should file for divorce or that's the end? After you heard every thing, been through heck, tired of the whole waiting game, tired of hearing about the wife, etc.? And what was the outcome?

 

I think by then you should know that his lack of action means he's happy as is, this is the point where you should stop waiting around and live your life not waste another day chasing the rainbow.

No one likes to be told what to do, especially a man, deadlines and ultimatums are just pressure, and if you need to impose one then it's probably better to set your own timeline and stick with it.

[bentleychic]

We do have a time line. Not for when he's supposed to divorce. He knows if a specific thing doesn't happen by X date, I will not continue waiting, though and he agrees that he wouldn't expect me to. (The arrangement is complicated to explain and I doubt I ever will here.)

[jellybean89]

What makes you think as a side option, that you have any say in the matter? Usually, a MM will find a woman with whom to have an affair precisely because she can be held at arm's length.

 

It sounds cruel, but you have no right to make demands, give ultimatums or place conditions upon the relationship.

you are the 'other woman'. if anyone has a right to lay down a few ground-rules, it's his wife.

She has priority.

She is who he lives with, who he goes to bed with, who he very often still makes love to, and who at times he has children with.

You are the side-dish.

 

Sadly, whatever rights you may feel you have, are actually (most of the time) in your head....

 

I disagree with the above. Just because someone chooses to be in an affair doesn't mean they have no rights. As humans, we all have rights. If a woman chooses to be a secret lover, a wife or a parent, that is a choice. People in affairs can conduct the affair with deadlines or not -- depends on each person.

 

But - if a person is going to put an ultimatum out there, they better be prepared to back it up with the consequences. Don't say "you have to xx by yy or else the affair ends" if you aren't going to follow through.

 

Everyone deserves to be treated civilly and respectfully - no matter what. If someone tolerates disrespectful behavior, that is on them. Some OW set the tone of the affair about what is expected and if the MM doesn't follow through, they end the affair.

 

MM and myself are of the same mind about our individual lives. It was never in the cards that we have a timeline when we will be 'official' in the future. My family circumstances is such that I prefer to leave it as it is. We are together by choice and maybe this will continue for even longer because we place no pressure, ultimatums on each other. However, there are events in my life that he will gladly "fix" for me if I let him (work, finances) but I never ask this of him. He knows of my problems and can/will offer his opinions/help but he really has no say at the end of the day and I prefer it that way. I know more about his thoughts and feelings than his W but have the same standing in his life.

 

You know what you signed up for going into a relationship with a married person. That includes the minimal 'rights' that we have as OWs. This is our reality.

 

Not to be snarky, but I highly doubt you know more about his thoughts than his wife and I don't see how you have the same standing in his life if you are a secret. If you and he are a public couple and he spends 50% of his time with you, then possibly there is the same standing. Did I read correctly that you take money from a MM? If so, personally, that's not a very smart thing because his wife could sue you to return that money.

 

He courted his wife, became engaged to her, planned a future with her and married her. They shared a lot during that time period - up and until he chose to deceive her by cheating on her. I don't know why you think he and his wife don't communicate (obviously not about the affair) but I would bet she knows more about him than you believe. She probably knows lots of things about him that you don't -- pretty much the only thing you may know that she doesn't is that her H is a cheater and a liar. Be very careful with your assumptions on knowing him....the things you do know about him (being a liar, a cheat, etc) aren't good qualities.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I disagree with the above. Just because someone chooses to be in an affair doesn't mean they have no rights. As humans, we all have rights. If a woman chooses to be a secret lover, a wife or a parent, that is a choice. People in affairs can conduct the affair with deadlines or not -- depends on each person.

 

But - if a person is going to put an ultimatum out there, they better be prepared to back it up with the consequences. Don't say "you have to xx by yy or else the affair ends" if you aren't going to follow through.

 

Everyone deserves to be treated civilly and respectfully - no matter what. If someone tolerates disrespectful behavior, that is on them. Some OW set the tone of the affair about what is expected and if the MM doesn't follow through, they end the affair.

 

I, in turn, have to disagree with you. When you enter into an affair, you are agreeing to be #2, a secret, and accepting that this man has made a legal long term commitment to someone else. When you then try to impose demands on the AP, then you are altering the arrangement that you essentially agreed to. You agreed to have a secret relationship with someone else's spouse, and now that you have become emotionally tied, you want them to suddenly make you priority. It's wishful thinking. There is far much more invested in their spouse.

 

If everyone deserved to be treated civilly and respectfully, then people wouldn't engage in affairs. Where in these type predicaments is the civil and respectful treatment of the BS?

[notserene]

When you enter into an affair, you are agreeing to be #2, a secret, and accepting that this man has made a legal long term commitment to someone else. When you then try to impose demands on the AP, then you are altering the arrangement that you essentially agreed to. You agreed to have a secret relationship with someone else's spouse, and now that you have become emotionally tied, you want them to suddenly make you priority. It's wishful thinking. There is far much more invested in their spouse.

 

If everyone deserved to be treated civilly and respectfully, then people wouldn't engage in affairs. Where in these type predicaments is the civil and respectful treatment of the BS?

 

I really don't get why people in affairs develop expectations that the relationship willever be anything more than what it is at the very beginning. the number of affairs that ever become primary relationships is tiny. Although I do blame the married partner (assuming the AP is unmarried) for future faking and similar behavior that causes unmarried APs to push.

[chelsea2011]

So..I have a question for anyone seeing a MM:

 

Did you ever give a deadline to a MM as to when he should file for divorce or that's the end? After you heard every thing, been through heck, tired of the whole waiting game, tired of hearing about the wife, etc.? And what was the outcome?

 

Budda person is right in the sense if you went in "knowingly" and got involved with a married person. However, it does not negate your right to set boundaries and deadlines for yourself because afterall, the married person got involved knowing full well they were committed to someone else. You have every right to tell them what your deadline is that you will hit the pike and move on with your life. No one can take that right away from you. Period.

 

You also have the right to do whatever you please in your own personal life like dating etc without the married person making demands on you. As long as they are committed they are secondary in your life as well. And if the BS knows about you (in most cases they don't, but "if" they do) they have no right to tell you what to do either.

 

It is all about choices. Everyone has choices regarding their own personal life based on the circumstances. If you have a personal deadline regarding how long you will keep him in your life that is perfectly okay. You can't make demands on him if he has made a choice to stay, but you can certainly say "I'm done" whenever you want.

[Mickey1982]

I really don't get why people in affairs develop expectations that the relationship willever be anything more than what it is at the very beginning. the number of affairs that ever become primary relationships is tiny. Although I do blame the married partner (assuming the AP is unmarried) for future faking and similar behavior that causes unmarried APs to push.

 

You answered your own statement with your last sentenance.......future faking and similar behavior including promises by the millions!

[eye of the storm]

I am lucky that there was no future faking with my MM. He has always been honest with me regarding the fact that he is not, nor does he want to be, faithful to any woman. And that includes me. Fortunately for me, he does not expect or demand that I only date him. We both occasionally develop other relationships outside of ours (not counting his BS which is a constant).

 

But I agree with the posters that say the only rights you have with an AP is to leave. If you want to give an ultimatum, you had better be prepared to follow thru because if you don't...your treatment will get a lot worse because now the WS knows he/she can walk all over you and you wont do anything about it.

 

If the WS truly wanted to be with you full time, they would leave the BS on their own.

[chelsea2011]

I am lucky that there was no future faking with my MM. He has always been honest with me regarding the fact that he is not, nor does he want to be, faithful to any woman. And that includes me. Fortunately for me, he does not expect or demand that I only date him. We both occasionally develop other relationships outside of ours (not counting his BS which is a constant).

 

But I agree with the posters that say the only rights you have with an AP is to leave. If you want to give an ultimatum, you had better be prepared to follow thru because if you don't...your treatment will get a lot worse because now the WS knows he/she can walk all over you and you wont do anything about it.

 

If the WS truly wanted to be with you full time, they would leave the BS on their own.

 

You are lucky. Most OW/OM it seems get manipulated into accepting the kind of situation you are in. Read your back story...yikes. He hit on your room mate and lied to you about it? Worse yet, he convinced her your reaction was for other reasons then him being a yoyo for doing that? Oy vey.

 

NoBSBuddist, does your theory also apply to a single OM seeing a MW?

 

OP, regardless, you have every right to set whatever deadline you want for yourself. Don't let others twist it into saying you don't have rights. You do have a right to take care of you by getting out of a situation that tears you down, so you can live a healthier life.

[still_an_Angel]

[/Quote]Not to be snarky, but I highly doubt you know more about his thoughts than his wife and I don't see how you have the same standing in his life if you are a secret. If you and he are a public couple and he spends 50% of his time with you, then possibly there is the same standing. Did I read correctly that you take money from a MM? If so, personally, that's not a very smart thing because his wife could sue you to return that money.

 

He courted his wife, became engaged to her, planned a future with her and married her. They shared a lot during that time period - up and until he chose to deceive her by cheating on her. I don't know why you think he and his wife don't communicate (obviously not about the affair) but I would bet she knows more about him than you believe. She probably knows lots of things about him that you don't -- pretty much the only thing you may know that she doesn't is that her H is a cheater and a liar. Be very careful with your assumptions on knowing him....the things you do know about him (being a liar, a cheat, etc) aren't good qualities.

 

Jeez... take a chill pill jellybean, I am just a poster here, there is no need for you to shake your forefinger while making assumptions about me and giving me a growling. This thread is not about me and I did not ask the question. In saying that, I would strongly suggest you read what I wrote again because you failed to understand what I truly meant and which other readers had no problem understanding. Chillax sis.....

[TaraMaiden]

shoot. wrong thread.

[eye of the storm]

Chelsea2011, yea I admit, it was a rough patch. It caused us to discuss boundaries. I admitted I didn't have the right to tell him who he could date. He admitted hitting on my roommate was probably not the smartest thing he had done.

 

Just like this thread is about, As the OW, I do not have the right to tell him what he can/can't do. I can only tell him what is acceptable/not acceptable to me.

 

Him dating my roommate was not acceptable to me so I ended it. He has since decided that she was not worth ending our relationship over so he has made amends and agreed to only date outside my circle. It was an acceptable agreement to me so I took him back.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Him dating my roommate was not acceptable to me so I ended it. He has since decided that she was not worth ending our relationship over so he has made amends and agreed to only date outside my circle. It was an acceptable agreement to me so I took him back.

 

Sheez...I honestly hope that you someday realize you deserve better for yourself than being one of several side options for a married man. There are far too many great single men out there.

[cocorico]

Everyone deserves to be treated civilly and respectfully - no matter what.

 

I disagree. I think people deserve the civility and respect, or lack thereof, that they earn. On the basis of their behaviour, I would deny even the most fundamental level of civility and respect to people like George Osborne, Jeffrey Dahmer, or my H's XW.

 

When you enter into an affair, you are agreeing to be #2, a secret

 

Not at all! When you enter into an A, you are agreeing to be in an A according to whatever ground rules the two of you agree to. Those may include "being no. 2 and being a secret", or they may not. They may include the MP remaining M in the long term, or they may not. They may include sexual exclusivity on both sides, one side, or not at all. Basically, any terms are up for negotiation, as in any R - it just means that at least one party is otherwise committed at the outset of the R. Nothing else is prescribed, and everything else is up for negotiation.