Talk some sense into me [update]

[Nothisgirl]

So in our "break up" texts there was a phone call as well, where Exmmwas basically pleading with me not to do this, pouring his heart out and telling me he never wants me to hurt and that I have changed his view on life, love.. That he wants nothing more than to love me and eventually live together and make our life together.. That he can't envision his future any other way...and that he knows that this is a huge mess but that he feels eventually ppl on our lives would accept us because we genuinely love each other.

 

And while this is all touching and I'm happy he can open up to me it's all just words. I've heard it before, the last time was about 3 months ago and NOTHING has changed. He's still married and playing happy family. So I said as much, I told him that none of that matters while everything is status quo and that it is unfair of him to plan this future with me. So unfair. And this is where I need your help ... He said:

 

"Baby, I haven't told you everything.. I've been trying to protect you because I don't ever want you to think my divorce is because of you and/or your fault... My W and I HAVE had conversations and our marriage is over I just didn't want to involve you in that part" (this isn't verbatim but you get the jist)

 

He then reiterated that there was no time frame and he understands if that's a problem for me at which point I said it was. That I will not continue our relationship while he's still living with her

 

He said it will kill him to let me go but that he understands

 

So my question is why wouldn't he tell me?? He's right in that I would feel guilt and I don't want to be the cause but shouldn't he want to keep me in the loop about what's going on? Especially when he knows I'm pulling away?

 

Ftr, I won't contact him, I'm not breaking NC I'm just trying to understand

 

Thanks friends

[Tressugar]

This is standard verbiage from all married men to their 'jump off's. Please don't take the term offensively. This is how they, married men, view women who don't respect themselves.

 

He's trying to sell you a pipe dream. The real question here is, are you buying it?

[Nothisgirl]

This is standard verbiage from all married men to their 'jump off's. Please don't take the term offensively. This is how they, married men, view women who don't respect themselves.

 

He's trying to sell you a pipe dream. The real question here is, are you buying it?

 

Thanks for the reply, I'm not offended..which part do u feel is standard? I'm specifically curious to know if it's typical for them to say they HAVE had THE conversation with their wife? It seemed suspect to me that they had apparently had this conversation yet they hadn't defined a timeline? Umm ok.

[spookysonata]

He's eating cake like a fiend, and this is his last ditch attempt to keep you hanging on.

Stay nc.

[Nothisgirl]

He's eating cake like a fiend, and this is his last ditch attempt to keep you hanging on.

Stay nc.

 

Ty, I told him that. IMHO if that's what he really wanted he'd leave. Period. The end.

[Speakingofwhich]

Is he in counseling? I wonder if a lot of troubled marriages don't have conversations about D and then D never materializes.

 

A gf of mine (I'm female and not lesbian, just so you know this is just a friend) recently told me she and her H had had an argument and the D word surfaced during it. This couple will NEVER D.

 

Possibly your MM is having these kinds of talks with his W. And then again, sometimes if enough of those kinds of talks occur the power of the spoken word begins to influence the outcome of the M.

[Nothisgirl]

Is he in counseling? I wonder if a lot of troubled marriages don't have conversations about D and then D never materializes.

 

A gf of mine (I'm female and not lesbian, just so you know this is just a friend) recently told me she and her H had had an argument and the D word surfaced during it. This couple will NEVER D.

 

Possibly your MM is having these kinds of talks with his W. And then again, sometimes if enough of those kinds of talks occur the power of the spoken word begins to influence the outcome of the M.

 

No, he's not in IC or MC, I know that they've had conversations in the past where she has expressed her unhappiness and he has expressed him but from what he's said it's always been like her saying "I can't wait until the last kid is in university...only 5 more years" crap like that..... What he said yesterday was more specific, that they had discussed their mutual unhappiness and that they both recognize the marriage is over.

[jellybean89]

He's saying what you want to hear. I'm sure his convo with his wife went something like this..."so did you hear joe and Betty are divorcing?"

 

Technically, they did discuss divorce.

 

He is doing whatever he can to keep you as his mistress. Don't let him. If he claims to love you so much, let his actions of divorcing speak for themselves. If he was actually discussing divorce, he would have told you that.

 

He's a liar and a cheater. He doesn't respect you or his wife.

 

Stop allowing his bullshet to make you question your resolve.

 

If you are serious, No more phone calls or texts. Stop giving him control over you.

 

If he really wanted to be with you, not in an affair, he would be. He's choosing to stay married. Honor and respect his choice.

[Tressugar]

ALL of the dialogue that goes on between a married man and his affair partner(s) are common and standard.

 

There's nothing new under the sun. Meaning what he is telling you, he has told another person or will tell the new person when she enters the picture. All MM say they had the "talk" with their wife or intend to have the "talk" when...

 

I swear there's a book out there that only MM have access to and read from, to use all their lame and busted lines that flow off of their tongues to wounded women like yourself. The minute you move on, there will be someone else replacing your former position.

 

It's true...a sucker is born every minute.

[Popsicle]

This is standard verbiage from all married men to their 'jump off's. Please don't take the term offensively. This is how they, married men, view women who don't respect themselves.

 

He's trying to sell you a pipe dream. The real question here is, are you buying it?

 

Whoa. That's rough but maybe you're right.

 

Nothisgirl whatever you do you need to emotionally detach from him right now because there are no guarantees and if NC is the way for you to do that then so be it.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Popsicle

[QuakerOats]

My exMM did this quite a few times. When I'd go to end things he'd tell me there was all sorts of stuff I didn't know about what he was doing to end his marriage. He'd tell me he was not sharing everything because he didn't want me to feel like I'd caused this. But, nothing ever changed. Over two years he said this many times. And always he'd do the "door nob comment" of "you'll see, I'll come and find you when I'm divorced and we will be together." Nothing has changed. Nothing. He is still living with her, still going on vacations, still doing exactly the same thing.

[AlwaysGrowing]

What he did is common for those that are conflict avoidant types. He volleyed the issue back to your side of the court so he could keep his "good guy" hat badge.

 

He put the onus on you to end the relationship for his reasons not yours....in short...you can do his "dirty work" because he doesn't like how it makes him feel to hurt you...so you can do the hurting of you. Of course he "understands", he gets to be the one that was "dumped", not the one that didn't give any real commitment and was treating you disrespectfully.

 

Stop trying to figure out his dysfunctions/why/meanings/thought processes....it is a fools errand.

 

Focus on you...why did you accept so little for so long? What made any part of that relationship appealing? How can you replace those parts that were appealing with healthier things?

[Nothisgirl]

My exMM did this quite a few times. When I'd go to end things he'd tell me there was all sorts of stuff I didn't know about what he was doing to end his marriage. He'd tell me he was not sharing everything because he didn't want me to feel like I'd caused this. But, nothing ever changed. Over two years he said this many times. And always he'd do the "door nob comment" of "you'll see, I'll come and find you when I'm divorced and we will be together." Nothing has changed. Nothing. He is still living with her, still going on vacations, still doing exactly the same thing.

 

This is what I wondered... If this was just one more line they use... I'll admit that the emotion in his voice caused me pause...his tearing up made me think twice.. Which I guess is why I'm asking. I keep telling myself that none, NOne, of that matters because nothing has actually changed. I remind myself of the things that "prove" to me it's all bull$hit.

 

For example, he asked me to review some documents for him

About a week ago, ex mm and his business partners had purchased another property... In reviewing them I looked at the attachments. I guess he didn't realize that the bank had included the attachment that showed all 3 of their wives as primary owners of said property. When I questioned him about why he would buy another property now when he's just have to hand half over in the "impending" Divorce, he said that the property was protected under their (his business partnership) corporation. Clearly he didn't realize I had seen the ownership docs.

 

OMG just typing that out infuriates me.

Ty for all the support, so glad I posted

[Tressugar]

Listen to Quaker. This is what I mean when I say ALL MM say and do the same things. Nothing new.

[Popsicle]

My exMM did this quite a few times. When I'd go to end things he'd tell me there was all sorts of stuff I didn't know about what he was doing to end his marriage. He'd tell me he was not sharing everything because he didn't want me to feel like I'd caused this. But, nothing ever changed. Over two years he said this many times. And always he'd do the "door nob comment" of "you'll see, I'll come and find you when I'm divorced and we will be together." Nothing has changed. Nothing. He is still living with her, still going on vacations, still doing exactly the same thing.

 

Wow, QuakerOats. My heart goes out to you, dear.

[Popsicle]

This is not just an affair thing though, it's a "people in tough situations" thing. These stories make me think back to a long distance relationship I had once (and that was the last time!) with a guy who was fully single but in a tough financial situation where he lived. He was in love with me and made promises to me to move here and be together for 10 whole years (!) Made promises and professions but nothing changed for 10 years. For the first few years, I was into it and would pressure him, but soon, I realized that I didn't really want to be with him as much as I thought (I was more attracted to the fantasy of him than the real him) so his lack of execution in the end didn't bother me, I was actually relieved. Eventually he gave up once he realized that I wasn't into him and that was that. I'm sure nothing different would have happened anyway had I been into him.

 

I still think his situation was not too tough to get out of if he really wanted to, but it was in his mind, and that's all that matters.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Popsicle

[QuakerOats]

This is what I wondered... If this was just one more line they use... I'll admit that the emotion in his voice caused me pause...his tearing up made me think twice.. Which I guess is why I'm asking. I keep telling myself that none, NOne, of that matters because nothing has actually changed. I remind myself of the things that "prove" to me it's all bull$hit.

 

For example, he asked me to review some documents for him

About a week ago, ex mm and his business partners had purchased another property... In reviewing them I looked at the attachments. I guess he didn't realize that the bank had included the attachment that showed all 3 of their wives as primary owners of said property. When I questioned him about why he would buy another property now when he's just have to hand half over in the "impending" Divorce, he said that the property was protected under their (his business partnership) corporation. Clearly he didn't realize I had seen the ownership docs.

 

OMG just typing that out infuriates me.

Ty for all the support, so glad I posted

 

 

I seriously think we were with the same MM. Scary similarities to my story. And of course...lots of talk about the "impending divorce". As another poster suggested, his convo with his wife was probably something vague like "Hey, I heard Joe and Sally are divorcing...seems like its happening a lot."

[Popsicle]

This is what I wondered... If this was just one more line they use... I'll admit that the emotion in his voice caused me pause...his tearing up made me think twice.. Which I guess is why I'm asking. I keep telling myself that none, NOne, of that matters because nothing has actually changed. I remind myself of the things that "prove" to me it's all bull$hit.

 

For example, he asked me to review some documents for him

About a week ago, ex mm and his business partners had purchased another property... In reviewing them I looked at the attachments. I guess he didn't realize that the bank had included the attachment that showed all 3 of their wives as primary owners of said property. When I questioned him about why he would buy another property now when he's just have to hand half over in the "impending" Divorce, he said that the property was protected under their (his business partnership) corporation. Clearly he didn't realize I had seen the ownership docs.

 

OMG just typing that out infuriates me.

Ty for all the support, so glad I posted

 

It may be protected. He may just have to buy her share out.

[herself]

Either he is Hes lying and hes still playing happy family with no real plan or time frame to leave or he is doing the math and fears he will lose $$ in divorce proceedings if theres infidelity.

Either way seeing the other post on the boards today about the R breaking up after he left his wife....even if he does leave for you.., you still need space & to give him time.

When i was divorced even though I left & filed and was not in love, I still greived the severing of the marriage. It took time to heal before I could date.

People need time alone to get whole, otherwise you only.still get half of him.

[sunburned]

He is just ramping up the talk but the action remains in the same zone. Another poster said you need to detach emotionally and immediately. I agree. You are not thinking clearly. NC exists for this reason. Detach and heal. Stop responding to him. Do what a lot of people told you to do months ago. Tell him you will be happy to talk to him after his divorce. The only thing he has been consistent about is saying there is no timeline. You seem willing to believe everything else he says. Why not that?

 

Change your number.

[preraph]

You know what, if he cares about something more than his d**k and you dump him now, as you should since he's married and not being unmarried fast after a history of not getting unmarried, he knows where to find you and produce his divorce decree to get in the door. Meanwhile, ask yourself why you would wait for a man who you know to be a serial cheater and why you don't want better than that for yourself. He's one man out of millions of men you could choose, and you chose a serial cheater knowingly.

[MissBee]

So in our "break up" texts there was a phone call as well, where Exmmwas basically pleading with me not to do this, pouring his heart out and telling me he never wants me to hurt and that I have changed his view on life, love.. That he wants nothing more than to love me and eventually live together and make our life together.. That he can't envision his future any other way...and that he knows that this is a huge mess but that he feels eventually ppl on our lives would accept us because we genuinely love each other.

 

And while this is all touching and I'm happy he can open up to me it's all just words. I've heard it before, the last time was about 3 months ago and NOTHING has changed. He's still married and playing happy family. So I said as much, I told him that none of that matters while everything is status quo and that it is unfair of him to plan this future with me. So unfair. And this is where I need your help ... He said:

 

"Baby, I haven't told you everything.. I've been trying to protect you because I don't ever want you to think my divorce is because of you and/or your fault... My W and I HAVE had conversations and our marriage is over I just didn't want to involve you in that part" (this isn't verbatim but you get the jist)

 

He then reiterated that there was no time frame and he understands if that's a problem for me at which point I said it was. That I will not continue our relationship while he's still living with her

 

He said it will kill him to let me go but that he understands

 

So my question is why wouldn't he tell me?? He's right in that I would feel guilt and I don't want to be the cause but shouldn't he want to keep me in the loop about what's going on? Especially when he knows I'm pulling away?

 

Ftr, I won't contact him, I'm not breaking NC I'm just trying to understand

 

Thanks friends

 

What he's saying is nonsense.

 

I cannot imagine any man who is in a relationship with a woman he's serious about having a future with, and leaving his marriage to be with, not mentioning to her that he's in fact leaving his marriage. Think about that...how can that possibly make sense???? That's the ONE THING most OW who want to be with the MM want to hear and know about, if nothing else, so if this was a reality, you'd have known.

 

He is simply getting frantic and upping the ante, as he has poured his heart out before, so now he has to take it up a notch. The lamest part which gives the biggest clue that this is nonsense is that his marriage is ambiguously over and he never told you but he has no time frame still...yea okay...translation: he is frantic, I'm sure his wife knows nothing of this, divorce, lawyers or any serious action hasn't happened but please continue being in the affair with me with no timeline, just my words of love.

 

Your heart hopes it's true but your brain knows this is nonsense. A man serious about divorce or his marriage being over and if he has an OW whom he plans to be with would keep her abreast of every move he's making towards that goal, period. As a sane man who is serious would KNOW that she deserved to know and would want to assure her that he is not stringing her along and would thus be very transparent about his actions and he could still assure her it's not "her fault" or whatever while also letting her know his plans....this is what make sense. A man hoping to string her along though will be frantic in his emotional outbursts (as that is all he has to show really, nothing concrete) which he knows will pull at her heart strings but the actual facts will be very blurry, ambiguous or plain nonexistent....which is where he is. What he is saying is garbage. Please ignore.

Edited April 20, 2014 by MissBee

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

OP-

He said the marriage is over and they talked about divorce, yet he can give you no timeline. This in itself should tell you that he's lying. Marriages that are truly over and ready for divorce are not open ended.

 

I think that people who get caught up in these affairs tend to lose sight of the realistic side of divorce and marriages, when all you need to do is weigh the facts.

 

His relationship with you is built on emotions and sex.

 

His relationship with his wife is built on a longer history of emotions and sex, plus finances, family, friends, his business, legal ramifications, and possibly children (don't know the full background).

 

So when you question these things he is telling you, you need to ask yourself which is the easier route for him to take? Losing the emotional bond and sex with you or dealing with the whirlwind of problems and potential loss that will ensue once he tried to leave the marriage for you. And if she can prove adultery in court? He could lose everything.

 

I've known men in the course of recovering from divorce as the result of an affair. They had nothing. They went from living in a big beautiful house with nice cars, a pool, boats, and making good money to a 1 bedroom apt with hardly any furniture and barely getting by because everything they once had, now belonged to her and the kids, including half their paycheck. So really ask yourself, do you mean that much to him to risk losing all that? Or is he just keeping you in this pipe dream to fulfill his own personal, selfish needs? I would choose Option B.

[Ailsa1983]

Listen to Quaker. This is what I mean when I say ALL MM say and do the same things. Nothing new.

 

Yep very true but they also say the same garbage to the BS which according to this forum most of them take them back .... So I guess the OW/OM gets off lightly, lesson learned.

[BetrayedH]

So my question is why wouldn't he tell me??

 

...

 

Ftr, I won't contact him, I'm not breaking NC

 

Why didn't he tell you sooner that he was lying to you to protect you? Because he just now made up that excuse.

 

As for not breaking NC, I have less confidence than you that your conversations with him are over. You seem to have bought into the concept that somehow closure will come from him.

 

This plays out this way far too often. He's not even the bad guy and he'll be sad to see you go. Poor things has had no consequences whatsoever and now he gets away from the drama scot free. Too often, the OW stays loyal to him, keeps his secrets and cries quietly in the corner for a few years. To do otherwise would be to admit that you never meant enough to him after all. Both women lose; the MM wins. Will he learn his lesson, fix his marriage, stay faithful to her for life? Or eventually find a new NSA OW without all the drama? What's your guess?