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Hi, My EXMM left his wife and then 6 months later we split up. His children wouldn't speak to him or have anything to do with him after what he had done to them and their mum.

 

 

I knew we couldn't survive a relationship without them in his life so I ended the relationship. Hoping in time his children could forgive him and have a life with him.

 

 

I miss him like crazy but the question that came into my head the other day was 'would I prefer if he went back to his wife or found someone new in his life'...

 

 

My answer was I would prefer him to go back to his wife. This I could live with but someone new would kill me.

 

 

I think of the 4 years I suffered with him being married and for someone new to come along and be accepted by his family would really hurt me.

 

 

I know I have no say in his life and wish it would be easy to move on and not think about him but I do. Head over heart will win but it still very hard.

 

 

What would you prefer? x

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Definitely I'd prefer he be with his wife, and he would feel the same if it were me. I think since he was with her first, they have children etc. and we met them while married, we tend to tolerate their legal and family ties. If he meets someone new, you just weren't enough, bottom line. That's a devastating blow. My MOM has never asked me to leave my H, never told me to not sleep with him, never tries to interfere or interrupt family time, but if I met someone new he would hit the roof.

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According to some good literature on infidelity, someone involved in an "exit affair" or any of the 3 or four others that signal the END of a marriage, and thus use the affair to "test the waters": in none of those affairs does the AP fair well. And in fact therapists argue that once a WS gets the information he/she seeks through the affair, they should end both, and seek out a new partner.

 

To balance that, about 80% of those who were involved in extramarital relationships, that divorce as a result of the affair, regret their decision.

 

Naturally many of them will probably try to get back in.

 

 

It's an interesting question though. From the other perspective, as a BS, if after attempt at reconciliation, there is an agreement to separate, the last place I want my WS to go is to her affair partner.

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Speakingofwhich
From the other perspective, as a BS, if after attempt at reconciliation, there is an agreement to separate, the last place I want my WS to go is to her affair partner.

 

agree. my ws broke up with his affair partner and married someone else (that marriage lasted two years). was much easier for me to accept the new wife since she hadn't broken up the marriage. sorry for what you're going through. seems it's tough to be the one he/she left for.......

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It's all pride and a stupid misplaced indicator of self worth.

What does it matter who your AP/WS ends up with once your relationship is over?

If it ends then it wasn't working/didn't fulfill/they weren't who you thought they were. Let it go, their choices no longer concern you.

I would care more that my WS/AP found a meaningful satisfying relationship than get all bitter about who that was with.

And seriously...you'd rather your bs didn't end up with the person that 'broke up the marriage' ... They can't get away from themselves can they.

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Well i guess I need to ask, if he took the huge step to leave his wife & family for you, ccouldn't you have stood by him and worked through the hard times, or just took a break?

The kids imo usually can come around in time. It just seems sad to come this far then throw it away. Could you guys have had couples therapy and stayed together?

Now he lost everyone.

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Obviously it does matter. Excuse me for being human.

 

 

 

It's all pride and a stupid misplaced indicator of self worth.

What does it matter who your AP/WS ends up with once your relationship is over?

If it ends then it wasn't working/didn't fulfill/they weren't who you thought they were. Let it go, their choices no longer concern you.

I would care more that my WS/AP found a meaningful satisfying relationship than get all bitter about who that was with.

And seriously...you'd rather your bs didn't end up with the person that 'broke up the marriage' ... They can't get away from themselves can they.

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Hi, My EXMM left his wife and then 6 months later we split up. His children wouldn't speak to him or have anything to do with him after what he had done to them and their mum.

 

 

I knew we couldn't survive a relationship without them in his life so I ended the relationship. Hoping in time his children could forgive him and have a life with him.

 

 

I miss him like crazy but the question that came into my head the other day was 'would I prefer if he went back to his wife or found someone new in his life'...

 

 

My answer was I would prefer him to go back to his wife. This I could live with but someone new would kill me.

 

 

I think of the 4 years I suffered with him being married and for someone new to come along and be accepted by his family would really hurt me.

 

 

I know I have no say in his life and wish it would be easy to move on and not think about him but I do. Head over heart will win but it still very hard.

 

 

What would you prefer? x

 

If, for whatever reason, we had not landed up together, I would have preferred my fMM to be with someone who treated him well, with love and respect - ie, not his xBW.

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It's all pride and a stupid misplaced indicator of self worth.

What does it matter who your AP/WS ends up with once your relationship is over?

If it ends then it wasn't working/didn't fulfill/they weren't who you thought they were. Let it go, their choices no longer concern you.

I would care more that my WS/AP found a meaningful satisfying relationship than get all bitter about who that was with.

And seriously...you'd rather your bs didn't end up with the person that 'broke up the marriage' ... They can't get away from themselves can they.

 

It would matter to me that someone I cared about did not go and return themselves to a toxic environment where it had been shown in the past that the abuse would soon return, whatever empty promises the BS might make. No one deserves to be abused, and even if I were no longer in a R with someone, I would still not wish that on them.

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Well i guess I need to ask, if he took the huge step to leave his wife & family for you, ccouldn't you have stood by him and worked through the hard times, or just took a break?

The kids imo usually can come around in time. It just seems sad to come this far then throw it away. Could you guys have had couples therapy and stayed together?

Now he lost everyone.

 

I agree but I tried everything I could for 6mths to make him happy but in the end he could never be happy with me.

 

His children are adults and the things they said to him were awfull. It broke his heart not to have them in his life. They would never speak to him whilst I was still around.

 

He said in the end that he needed time to work things out. 12 weeks later and nc maybe I should just realise that I wasn't enough for him.

 

I don't blame him sometimes no matter how hard we love each other it just wasn't enough

 

I hate that he is left with nothing but all he needed to sat to me was that everything would be ok in time. He didn't or couldn't.

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It's all pride and a stupid misplaced indicator of self worth.

What does it matter who your AP/WS ends up with once your relationship is over?

If it ends then it wasn't working/didn't fulfill/they weren't who you thought they were. Let it go, their choices no longer concern you.

I would care more that my WS/AP found a meaningful satisfying relationship than get all bitter about who that was with.

And seriously...you'd rather your bs didn't end up with the person that 'broke up the marriage' ... They can't get away from themselves can they.

 

Your probably right as my self worth is very low at the moment.

 

Losing the person who you lived completely is hard and it is taking me time to recover. I will I just need to go through all the emotions and come out the other side stronger. Ready to love someone who will be there for me 100%

 

Time ......

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And I would not want my daughter to have to be polite with the man who knowingly drove our marriage apart.

 

What dubliner doesn't get is that if after an infidelity, the couple calls it quits, it doesn't mean that we all go out and get lobotomies

 

It would matter to me that someone I cared about did not go and return themselves to a toxic environment where it had been shown in the past that the abuse would soon return, whatever empty promises the BS might make. No one deserves to be abused, and even if I were no longer in a R with someone, I would still not wish that on them.
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And I would not want my daughter to have to be polite with the man who knowingly drove our marriage apart.

 

What dubliner doesn't get is that if after an infidelity, the couple calls it quits, it doesn't mean that we all go out and get lobotomies

 

On the contrary, Dubliner has lived it and gets it completely. You're very quick to jump on the offensive

The question remains why does it matter? Part of moving on successfully and growing is understanding your own answer.

How about your wife, are you happy for the children to be polite to her? after all she is ultimately responsible for her own choices and she makes the final decision on whether she breaks your marriage apart or not, unless the OM kidnapped her and held her hostage in which case I apologise.

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Your probably right as my self worth is very low at the moment.

 

Losing the person who you lived completely is hard and it is taking me time to recover. I will I just need to go through all the emotions and come out the other side stronger. Ready to love someone who will be there for me 100%

 

Time ......

 

Please remember that his choice is not a reflection of your worth, nor of how much you meant to him, it's a complicated junction in his life, as much as he loves you the love of children is unique and many understandably sacrifice their own personal happiness to avoid losing that. It hurts to have your children judge you poorly, and some are less able to cope with this and find ways to resolve the issues.

we are brought up to believe mum and dad are some mystical unbreakable unit, together to the death serving us as our corner stone for eternity, it comes as quite a shock to some to find out their parents are actually human.

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How about your wife, are you happy for the children to be polite to her? after all she is ultimately responsible for her own choices and she makes the final decision on whether she breaks your marriage apart or not, unless the OM kidnapped her and held her hostage in which case I apologise.

 

Of course that's the logical corollary to Fellini's statement.:)

 

Children (usually) love their parents even when they are furious with them, and parents of course love their children unconditionally. The "stepparent" is a stranger to this relationship no matter what the circumstances. if that person is someone who was an OW/M the child, even if an adult, views that person as a homewrecker and someone who hurt their other parent. Being "polite" to that person would be a lot harder than being polite to their "wayward" parent even though the wayward is just as responsible.

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On the contrary, Dubliner has lived it and gets it completely. You're very quick to jump on the offensive

The question remains why does it matter? Part of moving on successfully and growing is understanding your own answer.

How about your wife, are you happy for the children to be polite to her? after all she is ultimately responsible for her own choices and she makes the final decision on whether she breaks your marriage apart or not, unless the OM kidnapped her and held her hostage in which case I apologise.

 

Nonsense. My wife is her mother, and infidelity is not going to change that. My daughter will and should always love her mother. But if her mother should end up with the AP it is understandable that this would put enormous stress on my daughter, and unlike you i am not going to rugsweep that into some kind of "suck it up child and move on" mentality.

 

How any one could question why a parent would not be indifferent to whom his EX ended up with is unbelievable. How hard is it for you to understand the obvious.

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Nonsense. My wife is her mother, and infidelity is not going to change that. My daughter will and should always love her mother. But if her mother should end up with the AP it is understandable that this would put enormous stress on my daughter, and unlike you i am not going to rugsweep that into some kind of "suck it up child and move on" mentality.

 

How any one could question why a parent would not be indifferent to whom his EX ended up with is unbelievable. How hard is it for you to understand the obvious.

 

You've strayed so far from the original post you are taking my comments out of context.

The original post had nothing to do with a parents opinion on a future partner to their ex.

Your comment wasn't about your daughters thoughts or feelings but that of your own and that's what my question to you related to.

The personal assumption was both rude and unnecessary.

Of course a parent would be concerned with prospective step parents in terms of the child's well being and that's about all I agree with you on.

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The "stepparent" is a stranger to this relationship no matter what the circumstances. if that person is someone who was an OW/M the child, even if an adult, views that person as a homewrecker and someone who hurt their other parent.

 

Really? Always? I have personal, lived experience that this is simly not true.

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Nonsense. This entire thread involves issues related to infidelity and an AP with kids, a BS, the kids, and an OW. It has everything to do with parents.

 

The OP asked an open question about what WE WOULD DO, HOW WE WOULD FEEL.

 

There is nothing rude in my comment.

 

When I make a comment about infidelity, about what I would do in my situation that AUTOMATICALLY includes my daughter. I am a father, everything includes her.

 

There is absolutely no reason why a father should not prefer his WS ended up with a new M vs ending up with her AP.

 

Not least of which is the emotional stress of picking up my daughter at HIS HOUSE.

But I also reserve the right to believe that even if my WS and I give up the M it does not mean our emotional connections are lobotomized. We might agree not to live together but that does not mean we stopped caring for each other. Its unbelievable that its so hard for you to understand clear expression of opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You've strayed so far from the original post you are taking my comments out of context.

The original post had nothing to do with a parents opinion on a future partner to their ex.

Your comment wasn't about your daughters thoughts or feelings but that of your own and that's what my question to you related to.

The personal assumption was both rude and unnecessary.

Of course a parent would be concerned with prospective step parents in terms of the child's well being and that's about all I agree with you on.

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I agree but I tried everything I could for 6mths to make him happy but in the end he could never be happy with me.

 

His children are adults and the things they said to him were awfull. It broke his heart not to have them in his life. They would never speak to him whilst I was still around.

 

He said in the end that he needed time to work things out. 12 weeks later and nc maybe I should just realise that I wasn't enough for him.

 

I don't blame him sometimes no matter how hard we love each other it just wasn't enough

 

I hate that he is left with nothing but all he needed to sat to me was that everything would be ok in time. He didn't or couldn't.

 

I'd wager that his kids would have been upset no matter the reason he left their mom. Not downplaying the affair at all, but some kids get upset that the happy family is broken up and that their mom is sad. They love her. In your case, they can put the blame for all this on you, but in other cases where there is no affair, they put the blame on the parent that wanted divorce. The kids probably had no idea that there were problems in the marriage. Other kids who know the score are happy that their parents separated and can finally be happy, apart or whatever.

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Its unbelievable that its so hard for you to understand clear expression of opinion.

 

Oh the irony

 

You're the one getting your knickers all twisted over my opinion.

 

Perhaps 'condescending' would have been a better description than 'rude' although I do feel it's rude to be such.

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bentleychic

Hypothetically, if this applied to me.

 

If they left their marriage because they were unhappy, I would prefer they not go back to their BS.

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