Why do MM want to be just friends?

[Popsicle]

I have been reading posts from OW around here for the last few days since I started back in LC with my MM after 5 months of NC. I get the feeling that he wants to play it easy and be just friends. I'm noticing from the posts I've been reading in this section that a lot of MM suggest being friends to the OW along with LC. Am I perceiving this correctly, does the MM suggest this often?

 

And, if this is true, why do MM want to be friends with the OW?

[Survivor12]

I'm not a MM, but I'll give you my two cents anyway...

 

My guess would be that they ease their conscience by convincing themselves that there is nothing wrong with "being friends" and anything inappropriate was just a "slip" or pretending that it never happened at all....& thereby setting themselves up with an excuse if the affair is ever revealed--"Nothing is going on! I've told you, we are JUST FRIENDS!"

 

Of course, some may also use being friends as a way to keep the xAP quiet...or on a back burner.

[Nothisgirl]

Honestly??? Because they (most) are incredibly selfish and narcissistic...it's a way of them still having their cake and eating it too.

 

Sorry, I might be a little jaded right at this moment

[SoleMate]

* Keep OW under control

* Keep OW warm as a future option

* Continued EA

 

Most of the reasons that made the A make sense are still there, at least enough to warrant the slight effort required by LC.

[Popsicle]

Most of the reasons that made the A make sense are still there, at least enough to warrant the slight effort required by LC.

 

I guess they are not familiar with the female version of the friend zone.

[Red123]

Your not jaded. It seems simple to me too. If the xAP was a long time friend maybe remaining friends would be an option although I believe once the line is crossed it's never just a friendship again. In a lot of the cases I see they were never friends just in an A so why be friends afterward? The answer seems simple to ensure the OW is still pining and waiting in the wings incase the M doesn't work out. I think I sounded jaded there too:)

[CanJanus]

Or... and this could be crazy, maybe the MM wants to be friends?

 

I imagine that when you have an affair, you kinda like the other person. So, when the affair ends, perhaps you still like them. I have many ex-girlfriends that I am very good friends with to this day. Why would it be any different for an AP?

 

If my affair ended, I would be fine being friends with my AP... why not? I currently consider her to be one of my best friends.

[sunburned]

All these replies are spot on!

 

Popsicle you observation is right but let's not overlook the other very popular sitch on this forum. The sheer misery of so many women stuck and miserable in LC. I would ask and answer this question for yourself. Why are you setting yourself up to be one of them?? You were NC for 5 months. Don't blow it now, friend. Don't worry about why HE would want to be friends.

 

Why would you?

[GreySkyMorning]

Because if you are still willing to be their best friend and provide emotional support to them, then what they did to you must not have been that bad, right? No need for them to feel guilty.

 

I still gave him everything he wanted from me after dday. I was still crazy enough to think that he'd still choose me after all the initial hurt was over. He made me feel like I was no better than the scum on his shoe, yet I still wanted him to be with me.

 

It was perfect for him. His W was suddenly interested in him again and showing him attention, he got to keep his reputation in the community, and he still got to have me hanging on in the background supporting him every step of the way. He knew I would have taken him back at any time and that had to be a huge ego boost. And I still gave him all the emotional support that she still didn't give him.

 

But really, I think it goes back to the guilt thing. Sure, I was crushed and destroyed after dday. But hey, if I was still willing to be his friend and be there for him, then he must not be a bad guy, right? It was all just a misunderstanding and went too far.

[sunburned]

OK when I wrote my post, CanJan's was not up yet. I disagree with that one. Not spot on and the reply is from someone still in an A so considerate with the right perspective.

 

When my A ended in all honesty I did want to be friends because we have in fact been very good friends before. Fortunately my AP knew better. After hanging out at the LS Lounge for several months, I know he was right. The one time he wore the brains in the relationship ...

[C00kie]

1. Hoping to resume the affair.

2. Hoping to continue the ego stroking.

3. Hoping to ensure the OW focuses on him versus moving on with another man.

4. Fear of being alone if their wife dumps them.

5. Managing the OW to avoid her disclosing the affair.

 

Regardless of the motive, it's all about him. He can't give the OW what she wants yet he continues to dictate the level of involvement.

 

That's exactly what it is. You put it perfectly.

[Popsicle]

If it ended because both APs were married, that could be a possibility. With A single OW who wants the MM to divorce, it's completely self-serving.

 

Yes!

 

10 characters.

[Hope Shimmers]

OK when I wrote my post, CanJan's was not up yet. I disagree with that one. Not spot on and the reply is from someone still in an A so considerate with the right perspective.

 

But why is it any less viable than the other reasons listed? Sometimes I think that we as women tend to over-analyze absolutely everything about men, but especially men who are black and white, the answer may just be the simplest one.

 

In my case we remain friends because we were best friends before all of this started, and we wanted to do everything we could to preserve that. It wasn't easy at first because of the limitations - in fact it was damn hard. But we remain friends because that is all it ever can be. We no longer have the emotional affair so we don't share things about his marriage or my relationships except surface things. But we do talk about similar interests and have a lot of fun with it. I no longer want him to divorce his W, and even if he did, a relationship between us didn't work and would not work. But the friendship is really nice.

 

He has treated me terribly in many ways in the past and continues to apologize for it and try to make up for it although he acknowledges there was no excuse for it and no way to take it back. But I don't hate and I don't hold grudges, not even in this case.

[CanJanus]

OK when I wrote my post, CanJan's was not up yet. I disagree with that one. Not spot on and the reply is from someone still in an A so considerate with the right perspective.

 

Most posts in this forum seem to be from BS's... which have even less validity in my opinion .

 

Anyhow, I stand by my statement. People I sleep with are people I tend to like, and people with whom I would like be friends, even if I wasn't sleeping with them. Do you people choose sexual partners in a different way?

[sunburned]

Sorry to disappoint you, Can Jan but am not a BS. I am a former MOW/WS. Doesn't matter except I said I agreed with everyone's post above mine. Just wanted to clarify I didn't agree with yours. Doesn't make your POV any less valuable.

[whichwayisup]

Or... and this could be crazy, maybe the MM wants to be friends?

 

I imagine that when you have an affair, you kinda like the other person. So, when the affair ends, perhaps you still like them. I have many ex-girlfriends that I am very good friends with to this day. Why would it be any different for an AP?

 

If my affair ended, I would be fine being friends with my AP... why not? I currently consider her to be one of my best friends.

 

Because affairs are not 'regular' relationships with ex's. Affairs and exAP's are cancers to the MM/MW's marriage. Imagine if you were married and your spouse had an affair, you found out about it. Doubt very much you'd allow or want your spouse to continue a 'friendship' and see/talk to the exAP. Maybe a friendship can happen on the AP's side but not the married person's side.

[QuakerOats]

I think its to keep OW in a holding pattern...never fully gone. It also can serve to keep you "good" with them so you don't tell the wife....because if it is truly over, what do you have to lose?

[PurpleCardigan]

Popsicle,

 

Please remember when an xAP says he/she want to be friends, that unless you are one of the people where all the AP's know each other, the xAP really doesn't mean "friends" or at least how I define friendship.

 

This was one of my final breaking points.

 

Would I be invited to his kid's birthday party? Nope. But I'm invited to my other friend's kids parties.

 

Would he ever say to his wife, "hey I had lunch with PC today"? Nope. My other friends/co-workers would mention it to their spouse.

 

Would he ever say to his wife, in-laws, siblings, friends, "hey I talked with PC today and she just completed this major accomplishment in her life"? Nope. They don't know about me; but my other friends would share it as I've met many of their family at group events.

 

Could I call on a weeknight or weekend if I had a problem? Nope. I could do that with my other friends.

 

I could go on, but hopefully you get my drift. I was still a secret, illicit, and not really in his life. It was friendship/LC on his terms and it was so painful to me. Mine was cake eating until I cut it off. He was happy for me to give him the emotional support he wasn't getting at home, but I'm confident that he thought if there was no sex, then he wasn't cheating. Or perhaps since he was a serial cheater, he'd moved on to another conquest. So it was not a "friendship" to me. Quite frankly I wasn't an acquaintance either as he would NEVER say my name to his family.

 

I hope that your experience is different -- that you can be truly friends, in the whole sense of the word and meaning. But I'd encourage you to not be second, even in a friendship. Guard your heart.

[GreySkyMorning]

Popsicle,

 

Please remember when an xAP says he/she want to be friends, that unless you are one of the people where all the AP's know each other, the xAP really doesn't mean "friends" or at least how I define friendship.

 

This was one of my final breaking points.

 

Would I be invited to his kid's birthday party? Nope. But I'm invited to my other friend's kids parties.

 

Would he ever say to his wife, "hey I had lunch with PC today"? Nope. My other friends/co-workers would mention it to their spouse.

 

Would he ever say to his wife, in-laws, siblings, friends, "hey I talked with PC today and she just completed this major accomplishment in her life"? Nope. They don't know about me; but my other friends would share it as I've met many of their family at group events.

 

Could I call on a weeknight or weekend if I had a problem? Nope. I could do that with my other friends.

 

I could go on, but hopefully you get my drift. I was still a secret, illicit, and not really in his life. It was friendship/LC on his terms and it was so painful to me. Mine was cake eating until I cut it off. He was happy for me to give him the emotional support he wasn't getting at home, but I'm confident that he thought if there was no sex, then he wasn't cheating. Or perhaps since he was a serial cheater, he'd moved on to another conquest. So it was not a "friendship" to me. Quite frankly I wasn't an acquaintance either as he would NEVER say my name to his family.

 

I hope that your experience is different -- that you can be truly friends, in the whole sense of the word and meaning. But I'd encourage you to not be second, even in a friendship. Guard your heart.

 

This, exactly. This is exactly the point I'd come to in our relationship. I was so tired of being his dirty secret, even in friendship. I was even blocked from his FB and everywhere else. Our relationship had devolved to nothing but text messaging in secret. So insulting, demeaning, and degrading, coming from the person that told me he'd love me forever and wanted me forever.

[Cocochai]

There is NO way I can be TRUE friends with my XMM...

 

Sure we had a lot in common and had that emotional connection, but seriously for me I believe it's just a way to try to "Check Up" on you and see if your still welcomed to an A the next time you two start flirting again.

 

He offered up friendship when he had to call the A off (no DDAY). But for whatever reason out of blue, he said he never tried to play games with me and that he's having martial issues and wants to remain friends.

 

I have been in NC with my XMM going on a month now (but who's counting) lol

 

I have never had a true friend who I didn't communicate with me on a daily basic at least. Or those friends who I heard from every now and then, I don't consider my true friends but we "check in" on each other to see how we're doing.

 

The problem is... I still care about my XMM and wish we had that daily communication like we had in the past. But for HIM, he has confessed to me that it's hard to be around me and not behave" himself when we tried to be friends only in the past. So for HIM it's purely sexual. Which is why he can truly never be a true friend for me. And no it doesn't make me feel good.

 

I've learned of that when I only wished him a Happy Bday via a TEXT MESSAGE. I'm sure he couldn't respond a "Thank You" because his BS was around. In fact.... I went out of my way to see if he got the message because... I still care about him.

 

He lied (I'm sure), said he didn't get the text but thanks/appreciate it.

 

I haven't heard from him since... and it's been a month.

 

You can't be a friend if you can't even respond to a text without having to delete/hide it.

[Popsicle]

I am taking everything all of you fOW are saying to heart. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps to know what to expect from him and myself.

[lynn1954]

"Right on, Sister" to Red Wolverine, Purple Cardigan, GreySky, Cocochai and others who explained perfectly why you can't be friends.

 

 

Duh!

 

 

I'm sure there will be a few others who participate on this thread with "Well, but..." and go on to explain why it works for them.

 

 

But if you're trying to compose an answer that applies to most situations, the answer is "No, you can't be friends".

[Popsicle]

"Right on, Sister" to Red Wolverine, Purple Cardigan, GreySky, Cocochai and others who explained perfectly why you can't be friends.

 

 

Duh!

 

 

I'm sure there will be a few others who participate on this thread with "Well, but..." and go on to explain why it works for them.

 

 

But if you're trying to compose an answer that applies to most situations, the answer is "No, you can't be friends".

 

I would also like to point out that most everyone else has slept with their AP. I have not.

[herself]

I dont know, sometimes it is legitimate. We just shared about two months of G rated friendship & I truly enjoyed it. Never thought we could just be friends but in fact its been really nice & simple.....I haven't so much as flirted, no xos and no trigger talk....he used to DIE when i mention the gym which is a big part of my life....so I dont bring up the things that would trigger his mind to think of me in that way. He does the same.

Im really happy we can be in a new spot.

[Bittersweetie]

Two weeks after telling me that he decided to be with a different GF, the xMM asked me if we could be "special friends." And since I was so insecure, and absolutely positive that he was my soulmate, I said yes. A bit after that, he asked me to come over to his house and sleep with him. I said no and didn't hear from him for six months.

 

By then, he was separated, and dumped by his GF. And I was still insecure and thinking he was my soulmate...so I was happy to be his "special friend."

 

So I think the "why" is to keep an OW on a string...Quaker had a good way of saying it...a "holding pattern." It certainly worked in my case.