New here and full of question.

[perpetuallytheotherh]

Hello I am a thirty something woman, no kids, divorced since 2007. I lived a pretty dull life for the most part, but things changed in my early 30's. I met a handsome, but married man, who propositioned me with a physical relationship. I decided to do it. I grew to care for him, but I was able to keep my feelings at just friends. I enjoyed this for what it was for the most part. I will get back to this in a few.

 

 

A little over a month ago I began speaking to a man who began to interest me very much. He was always sweet, a gentleman, and caring. I began to develop feelings for him pretty fast. Shortly after we began talking he told me he was seeing someone and was going to see how things go with her. This hurt, but I couldn't be mad at him. He did say he wanted to remain friends with me. We have continued talking, but feelings have continued to grow. I have really grown to care for him and he says the same of me. My feelings have grown so much so that I recently ended things with the gentleman from above. This new man makes me want more than just a physical relationship. I only want him.

 

 

Well, last weekend the woman he is seeing saw a text from me that made her uncomfortable with him talking to me. He informed me of this and that we could no longer associate. This was probably the most miserable weekend I have had in a very long time. I couldn't believe I wouldn't have him in my life anymore. Then, Monday evening I received a message from him telling me he was sorry and that he did miss me. We talked about the situation as it is now and we are going to continue to talk without her knowledge.

 

 

I know what this means. It means I am the other woman again, but I have my heart at stake this time. I know what the possible outcomes are and I am terrified. Yet, I can't just walk away from him. I, essentially, am waiting for him. Probably a stupid and pathetic move on my part, but he is special and makes me feel special.

 

 

I tend to overthink things, but lately I am trying to stop this and just tell myself to go with it. See what happens. Put my faith in the unknown.... easier said than done.

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

 

 

Thank you

 

 

<3

Edited April 19, 2014 by perpetuallytheotherh

[TaraMaiden]

No.

You tell him to choose.

It's either her or you.

 

Why are you settling for being second choice?

How DARE you undervalue yourself to the point where you will settle for being an option.

 

You need to be a priority.

if he cannot put you first, then never, but never agree to be a secret on the sidelines.

 

Atrocious.

 

You tell him, and tell him straight.

He either has to make a choice, or if he isn't man enough to do that, then tell him to take a hike.

 

Jeesh woman.... quit being a doormat!

[whichwayisup]

How long has he been in a relationship with his girlfriend? And, are you sure he isn't married to her?

 

Sadly you're setting yourself up for a big hurt. He is has someone already and he is willing to risk his R with this gf to have you on the side, a secret. That is just going to get worse as you invest more into him as time goes on.

 

You may have some feelings for him and connected, but if you choose to be the OW again, (though this time your heart is in it) he will allow this to go on and on until he gets caught.

 

You deserve a single guy who you don't have to share!

 

Find it in you to walk away and tell him goodbye. If he ever becomes single, then date him but until then, my suggestion is end it. No good can come of this if you stay with him.

[Artie Lang]

wow, for once i totally agree with Tara.

 

the one thing that bothers me is the fact that you seem to attract attached men. why is that?

[Arieswoman]

ptoh,

I think you really do know the right course of action in this situation without anyone here telling you.

 

the one thing that bothers me is the fact that you seem to attract attached men. why is that?

 

^^^^^^^

 

This comment from Artie is quite pertinent. You might like to think about it.

 

I had a friend once who spent her whole life getting involved with unavailable men. She is now 55 and still single. Her latest (married) BF lives in USA - she is in UK - and he sees her only when he comes to visit his family in London, and then she pays for his flight ( ! )

 

I asked her why she did it and she said "It's them who approach me, I don't start anything". I made some comment about not taking responsibility and we fell out big time. I haven't spoken to her for 5 years, but mutual friends say she is still seeing this guy once a year.

 

You have the chance to walk away now with your heart intact. Please do it.

[A.Moscote]

Take things slowly Perpetual, keep on thinking and analyzing the situations. It's good that you realize the possible worse outcomes. They are indeed real, just take a look at the forum here and see how many of us are struggling with this.

 

Keep on in waiting stance if you will, but try not to initiate contacts/meeting by yourself. Delay it by doing other chores, or just get out of the house and leave your phone at the moment you're really tempted too. Perhaps with time and situations you'd be able to distance yourself and emotion from him. Eventually you will walk away from him.

 

Rather than putting your faith in the unknown why don't you work on the thing that you know. Learn from the past and grow from it. Try not to put self-satisfaction above other values, and don't sleep with a committed person.

 

Be strong and emotionally independent. You'll find the right guy your future deserve.

[Summer Breeze]

OP I know you're not going to want to take the advice everyone's giving but I hope in all of your over thinking you consider it strongly.

 

If you're only a month into it and felt that miserable at the weekend, can you imagine how you'll feel when he ends up moving in with her, they get engaged, they expect their first baby?

 

You say he's a gentleman. What gentleman would ask you to do what he's asking of you? He's manipulating things and controlling your place in his life. He may act gentlemanly when he's in your company but he is no gentleman. The way he's treating both you and his GF is showing you that.

 

Don't let him control your R. Don't let him control you. Go and read your post and see just how much control you've given him already.