Daisy2013 Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 We were talking and I asked him if we'd been single, could he see us together in reality. He said "I can see us dating, but not married because you have dogs." (big dogs). He hates and is afraid of dogs. I told him I wouldn't have gotten rid of them, but if we'd been together, I wouldn't have gotten more. He said he had to stand on principle. While he wanted to see me and loved me, he wouldn't D on the basis he made a vow. I also had to see him on his terms, his timing and allow him to back off when he was feeling confused or stressed by his schedule. This is from a man who asked me if I thought we loved each other before we ever even got together, meaning we'd gotten to know each other and were friends years before the A. He said he'd always loved me. His excuses sure do not sound like love. Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 im a bs so have no info to give on that,but we went out in a large group last weekend riding,some of us know each other well,but some of us don't,so my husband and I sat across from another couple we don't really know well,and I guess they were on a date,and she talked about her cat,and dog,and he said I don't mind pets,but they belong outside,i thought wtf?people who have pets know they are like family,so I told her beware of someone who doesn't like animals,and she agreed also im truly sorry you are going through this,i know its hurtful Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 My XMM said if things were different, we'd be good together. He's never sold me a false dream of him leaving his W. He was pretty much straight up with how he felt and that he doesn't want his W to find out and take their kids back to her hometown (because that's what she's told him). He's am with a family... Bad timing for me but I still have a chance to find someone who wants the same things I want in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 My exMM claimed he was leaving her, but needed more and more and more time. His excuses were the usually cliché...he was staying for the kid, he was staying because of his financial situation. Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 He made a vow to be faithful and broke that. He sounds like a narcissistic baby. Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't come with an expectation of making yourself miserable to meet someone else's needs. He can make any excuse he wants but you still get to chose what to accept. Remember that. Totally agree! His first "excuse" was beyond ridiculous. As if anyone who truly loved another would walk away from something as significant as marriage because of a pet. SMH. What a colossal dork! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 im a bs so have no info to give on that,but we went out in a large group last weekend riding,some of us know each other well,but some of us don't,so my husband and I sat across from another couple we don't really know well,and I guess they were on a date,and she talked about her cat,and dog,and he said I don't mind pets,but they belong outside,i thought wtf?people who have pets know they are like family,so I told her beware of someone who doesn't like animals,and she agreed also im truly sorry you are going through this,i know its hurtful Just because someone doesn't like pets or doesn't want a pet doesn't mean they are not good relationship material. Some people, especially those in Alaska or have farms, don't believe I pets being inside a home. I don't believe cats should be allowed outside to roam wherever they want, but that doesn't make me a bad person. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 We were talking and I asked him if we'd been single, could he see us together in reality. He said "I can see us dating, but not married because you have dogs." (big dogs). He hates and is afraid of dogs. I told him I wouldn't have gotten rid of them, but if we'd been together, I wouldn't have gotten more. He said he had to stand on principle. While he wanted to see me and loved me, he wouldn't D on the basis he made a vow. I also had to see him on his terms, his timing and allow him to back off when he was feeling confused or stressed by his schedule. This is from a man who asked me if I thought we loved each other before we ever even got together, meaning we'd gotten to know each other and were friends years before the A. He said he'd always loved me. His excuses sure do not sound like love. What could he have said that would have been a valid reason? If you have ANY answer to that at all (including managed exit - perhaps even ESPECIALLY so) - I urge you to reflect deeper on YOU and hold yourself to a higher standard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted April 19, 2014 Author Share Posted April 19, 2014 What could he have said that would have been a valid reason? If you have ANY answer to that at all (including managed exit - perhaps even ESPECIALLY so) - I urge you to reflect deeper on YOU and hold yourself to a higher standard. Good question. Anything of some substance, I suppose. "I don't love you in that way," "We are not compatible." Anything. I just felt that reason, although I'm sure a valid one, seemed lame with all he has said to me about how much he loves me and wishes we could be together. It made me feel unvalued and easily disregarded. Over 2 dogs that won't live forever and who are middle-aged. Just like when I told him "If you don't want me in a real R, you might lose me," he replied it was a risk that came with our R. It just doesn't sound the excuses are from someone who said they loved me. So I told him he could live and die unhappy by his principles, and feel free to do so if that's what he wants. I wish love was selective and that I could turn it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted April 19, 2014 Author Share Posted April 19, 2014 He made a vow to be faithful and broke that. He sounds like a narcissistic baby. Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't come with an expectation of making yourself miserable to meet someone else's needs. He can make any excuse he wants but you still get to chose what to accept. Remember that. I wish my heart would close down. I've tried so hard to forget. I'm good at shutting down hurt and compartmentalizing, but I can't seem to so here. He has such a stronghold on me, and I've never felt like I've loved someone and wanted to please as I do him. I want to give to him, not receive for my own pleasure. And when I "go dark," he finds me and expresses his feelings, and my heart breaks again, knowing his words mean nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 My xMM and I never once talked about his wife or marriage, but I did ask him once if he were single if would he date me. He never answered the question. I didn't know what to make of him not answering at all. Maybe he didn't want to tell me yes because he was married and didn't want to get my hopes up, maybe he didn't want to tell me no and disappoint me, I have no idea. As for excuses, he always used "work" as the excuse of why he could not contact me or see me when I wanted to. I thought that was interesting too. Link to post Share on other sites
LetItBeLetItBe Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 He said he wanted to get divorced and be with me but needed to know I would be there by his side i was to just tell him I wanted that. I would not do it since if he was really going to nothing would have stopped him. I am quite certain that if I did "say the word' the excuses and stalling would have began 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 My xMM and I never once talked about his wife or marriage, but I did ask him once if he were single if would he date me. He never answered the question. I didn't know what to make of him not answering at all. Maybe he didn't want to tell me yes because he was married and didn't want to get my hopes up, maybe he didn't want to tell me no and disappoint me, I have no idea. As for excuses, he always used "work" as the excuse of why he could not contact me or see me when I wanted to. I thought that was interesting too. I asked a similar question, I don't go to fantasyland very often and it took me six years to ask it. There were a couple things about his personality he thought I'd grow weary of over time. Also one of these who believes animals belong outside, so he would have to adjust to my little dog not being tough enough to winter outside. I don't have a future beyond friendship with him, so there weren't any excuses. My guess would be.... Kids Money and possessions Really loves wife Doesn't want to start over, lose house, lose community standing. This could be the oddest thing I'll ever say, but I don't think i would ever have the more "traditional" affair. I'm long distance friends with a married man and there were formerly benefits. I never expected him to leave his wife for me. There are a lot of things I did to prevent detection, but I just don't see me doing that 24/7. I don't think I'd have the patience. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 I asked a similar question, I don't go to fantasyland very often and it took me six years to ask it. There were a couple things about his personality he thought I'd grow weary of over time. Also one of these who believes animals belong outside, so he would have to adjust to my little dog not being tough enough to winter outside. I don't have a future beyond friendship with him, so there weren't any excuses. My guess would be.... Kids Money and possessions Really loves wife Doesn't want to start over, lose house, lose community standing. This could be the oddest thing I'll ever say, but I don't think i would ever have the more "traditional" affair. I'm long distance friends with a married man and there were formerly benefits. I never expected him to leave his wife for me. There are a lot of things I did to prevent detection, but I just don't see me doing that 24/7. I don't think I'd have the patience. You and I have similar experiences and feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 He said he wanted to get divorced and be with me but needed to know I would be there by his side i was to just tell him I wanted that. I would not do it since if he was really going to nothing would have stopped him. I am quite certain that if I did "say the word' the excuses and stalling would have began You're probably right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted April 19, 2014 Author Share Posted April 19, 2014 If you really let him go... Accept he won't give you what you need, that he is a coward, you will feel better. If you date a single man, you'll see the difference. The level of accountability, the legitimacy, the CHOICES you'll feel are empowering. The affair has changed your idea of normal. It's terribly destructive but there's a way out. Put yourself first and cut him off. Been there so I understand but choosing yourself frees you. Keep in mind, your MM has been choosing himself all along. Thank you. I have let him go in the way of we have a future and I have let go of hope. I have to let go in my heart. It would be so easy to push him away as he doesn't like conflict. And when I tell him he could lose me by not wanting me in a real R as opposed to an A, he says he understands that is a risk. What I can't wrap my head around his his ease of losing me if he says he loves me so much. And his excuses that seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Maybe he knows he's already lost you when you asked the question. There is really nothing that he can offer so he's just using lame excuses because he knows you will leave once you realize the relationship is not going beyond what it is now. Its probably easier for him to let go if you leave him rather than the other way around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 (edited) Thank you. I have let him go in the way of we have a future and I have let go of hope. I have to let go in my heart. It would be so easy to push him away as he doesn't like conflict. And when I tell him he could lose me by not wanting me in a real R as opposed to an A, he says he understands that is a risk. What I can't wrap my head around his his ease of losing me if he says he loves me so much. And his excuses that seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Thanks again. Try looking at it from another perspective - he knew what he was doing all along and has been proactively managing your expectations. It doesn't sound like this is his first time at the rodeo. He's on the offense not the defense and knows exactly how to manage your emotions and expectations every step of the way. You're on the hook, he knows it b3ecause it's a game to him. You are exactly where he wants you because he planned it that way. The "won't" vs "can't" is your biggest clue that he is proactively manipulating you. Think about it for a minute. You are here trying to figure out how to let go of all of the hope and expectations a person has in a normal relationship - that is exactly what he wants. He's moving you in that direction so he can selfishly enjoy having you in his life in the way HE wants without having to consider your needs. This is not a good man. He lacks the capacity to feel shame and guilt - he's a manipulator . And he will keep playing you until you see him for exactly who he is and the odds are that will be part of the plan too. If you keep him in your life there will be a phase where he reveals himself by hitting on other women right in front of you on purpose. At that point the game will be manipulating you into accepting that he doesn't want someone holding him back from having as many women as he wants in his life. You have the right to choose to not have a man like this in your life. It's 100% up to you - not him. Edited April 19, 2014 by chelsea2011 4 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Thank you. I have let him go in the way of we have a future and I have let go of hope. I have to let go in my heart. It would be so easy to push him away as he doesn't like conflict. And when I tell him he could lose me by not wanting me in a real R as opposed to an A, he says he understands that is a risk. What I can't wrap my head around his his ease of losing me if he says he loves me so much. And his excuses that seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Thanks again. It might help you to keep in mind that he is the same guy who risked losing his family for an affair. If his wife and family are so easily dispensable to him, then so are you. When you see him for who he really is, your heart will let go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Maybe he knows he's already lost you when you asked the question. There is really nothing that he can offer so he's just using lame excuses because he knows you will leave once you realize the relationship is not going beyond what it is now. Its probably easier for him to let go if you leave him rather than the other way around. This is it. I know this is the case for me and my MM. Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I know this thread took a turn but for *****s and giggles, I wanted to bring it back to ridiculous excuses... "My" xMM gave a lot of valid reasons, mostly involving kids, for not leaving his M. Fair enough. As a stay home dad whose W earns all the income, he also had a lot of concerns about money and lifestyle that he never openly admitted but definitely alluded to. My all-time favorite, for sure, was when he said a R with me would result in us living in a trailer park with rotten teeth! Really?!?! Obviously no offense to other people's housing situations or dental hygiene but REALLY!?! What an a$$! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotOW35 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Mine just can't seem to finish that divorce. Always the W's fault. Or the kids need XYZ before its finished. Its been going on for years. He'll never be divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy2013 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 I know this thread took a turn but for *****s and giggles, I wanted to bring it back to ridiculous excuses... "My" xMM gave a lot of valid reasons, mostly involving kids, for not leaving his M. Fair enough. As a stay home dad whose W earns all the income, he also had a lot of concerns about money and lifestyle that he never openly admitted but definitely alluded to. My all-time favorite, for sure, was when he said a R with me would result in us living in a trailer park with rotten teeth! Really?!?! Obviously no offense to other people's housing situations or dental hygiene but REALLY!?! What an a$$! Ok, you win! The trailer park comment beats the dogs comment. Really? I'm glad you refer to him as an "ex." Thanks for all who responded. Reading other excuses helps me to not feel like I'm crazy and worthless. And of course reading them has been enlightening. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 The main excuses were not wanting to be without his kids, and the distance between us. Both legitimate; I couldn't figure out a way around those issues on my end either. But he would also throw in the occasional "we wouldn't be as happy as we think we would be, because of how many people we'd have to burn on the way" type of thing. Not that I was eager to hurt anyone, but it always seemed a little excuse-y to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy's sister Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 dental hygeine and trailer park....oh my goodness...that has made me laugh for first time in days... honestly please come back and tell me you ditched him asap... i wish my AP would come up trumps with some nonscence like that as then i would find it wasy to walk away..... we are like waverly and examining it from all the sensible angles....it is like we are the charity shop jigsaw...the one with a few missing pieces 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Mainly his kids, and honestly, I believe that his conscience got the best of him at the very end...... Link to post Share on other sites
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