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Under the Bus and Back Again......


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Out of curiosity, how many of you OW/OM were 'thrown under the bus' by your AP on d-day and did they continue or try to restart the affair after d-day?

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imperfectangel

I've been thrown a few times his primary relationship is his priority which is why he is no longer mine.

 

things re started a few times but after awhile (or years for me) I wised up. after the last time I saw him it hit me that it would always be like this and nothing would change. it's so soul destroying when you realise being treated like that is the "norm".

 

I'm not looking forward to his reappearance when it's on - its on my phone will be ringing off the hook.

 

I'm finally in the process of changing my number

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I've been thrown a few times his primary relationship is his priority which is why he is no longer mine.

 

things re started a few times but after awhile (or years for me) I wised up. after the last time I saw him it hit me that it would always be like this and nothing would change. it's so soul destroying when you realise being treated like that is the "norm".

 

I'm not looking forward to his reappearance when it's on - its on my phone will be ringing off the hook.

 

I'm finally in the process of changing my number

 

 

wow----so not even d-day consequences kept him away more than once?

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imperfectangel

as far as I know he hasn't actually had a d day but his bs has found texts etc if that happens it'd be NC for a while tbh I've kind of bad enoug of my sex life depending on wheather his bs saw a text or not lol

 

I'm a week NC for the millionth time

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whatatangledweb

What do you consider "thrown under the bus" ? To me it means they blamed the OW. They insult them, etc. My husband did not do any of that, he blamed himself. He never contacted the OW after D-day though she made several attempts.

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What do you consider "thrown under the bus" ? To me it means they blamed the OW. They insult them, etc. My husband did not do any of that, he blamed himself. He never contacted the OW after D-day though she made several attempts.

 

Hm...I also thought it could mean "didn't want to have anything further to do with her" but I think what you are saying is probably more accurate.

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snappytomcat
What do you consider "thrown under the bus" ? To me it means they blamed the OW. They insult them, etc. My husband did not do any of that, he blamed himself. He never contacted the OW after D-day though she made several attempts.

same with my husband,on dday,when he told her they would never speak ever again,and he meant it,but he didn't throw her under the bus,he never spoke anything good,or bad about her until she went phsycho,and then he said that he did see signs of her unstability throughout the affair

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imperfectangel

to me, it means cast aside

 

he's never really called me names but his primary relationship was his priority so if he was needed there, whatever I needed wasn't thought about

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How do you bs's know your husbands haven't contacted the ow's again?

 

There's no way of knowing with absolute certainty. I can check his e-mail, phone bills, etc. but I'm not so naive as to think there isn't a way around that.

 

I refuse to be a spy and put keyloggers on the computer, etc. I can't live like that.

 

Since D day involved a pretty serious and dramatic blowup from her (it actually took place over a period of 3 or 4 days while we were stuck in the house from a snowstorm...lovely) I am inclined to think that he doesn't want anything to do with her. She was threatening to physically attack him.

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snappytomcat
How do you bs's know your husbands haven't contacted the ow's again?

I just know in my gut I know,plus hes been an open book very transparent,and she still tries to contact him through me,i actually got a text about a month ago from her,even after I filed a harassment charge against her,but she lives in opposite coast,believe me my eyes are wide open I will never ever trust him like I did,but I know he hasn't contacted the ow,she went phsycho nuts,even threatened our kids,my husband loves,and is very close to his girls,that really pissed him off,not to mention the fact of her continual harrassment

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How do you bs's know your husbanBlinven't contacted the ow's again?

 

That's the problem sometimes. You will never really know. Blind trust... non existent

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snappytomcat
I just know in my gut I know,plus hes been an open book very transparent,and she still tries to contact him through me,i actually got a text about a month ago from her,even after I filed a harassment charge against her,but she lives in opposite coast,believe me my eyes are wide open I will never ever trust him like I did,but I know he hasn't contacted the ow,she went phsycho nuts,even threatened our kids,my husband loves,and is very close to his girls,that really pissed him off,not to mention the fact of her continual harrassment

I would also like to add,that my husband knows that I gave him a gift,and that gift was a second chance,he will not get another chance,and he knows this

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whatatangledweb
How do you bs's know your husbands haven't contacted the ow's again?

 

I know because I saw all the messages she sent ( my husband no longer had access to the im after d-day...I changed the password )and the last one was well over a year later to me. She was pissed that he was not contacting her and would not answer her. She called him all sorts of things and threw him under the bus.

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What do you consider "thrown under the bus" ? To me it means they blamed the OW. They insult them, etc. My husband did not do any of that, he blamed himself. He never contacted the OW after D-day though she made several attempts.

 

 

I was also wondering what the prevailing definition was. In the real world (away from LS, haha) "thrown under the bus" is synonymous with being "blamed" for something, but it seems like it's used here pretty often to mean that the MM "broke up with/ended things with the OW", having nothing to do with blaming them for the affair. Guess it depends on the OP's definition.

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I was thrown under the bus after I disclosed the affair to his wife. He tried to play the victim and told a few lies. Problem for him was I'd already given his wife emails that showed he was lying. It was interesting how he chose to lie about things she knew weren't true.

 

I didn't tell him she had the emails. I figured that was her information to process and disclose to him if she chose to.

 

Sadly, even when caught, he continued to show her how easy lying to save himself had become.

 

As for contacting me, I made it completely obvious I was done. Knowing me, he knew that was not going to change.

 

He will never come back. Even if he divorced, he knows I'd never look at him the same way or trust him.

 

I now have a wonderful man who adores my children and is completely devoted to me and no one else. I've never been happier. I could never go back to an affair.

 

 

Good for YOU! I admire you Red Wolverine and love that you would never take him back---So happy you found someone who adores you and you alone!

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I was thrown under the bus after I disclosed the affair to his wife. He tried to play the victim and told a few lies. Problem for him was I'd already given his wife emails that showed he was lying. It was interesting how he chose to lie about things she knew weren't true.

 

I didn't tell him she had the emails. I figured that was her information to process and disclose to him if she chose to.

 

Sadly, even when caught, he continued to show her how easy lying to save himself had become.

 

As for contacting me, I made it completely obvious I was done. Knowing me, he knew that was not going to change.

 

He will never come back. Even if he divorced, he knows I'd never look at him the same way or trust him.

 

I now have a wonderful man who adores my children and is completely devoted to me and no one else. I've never been happier. I could never go back to an affair.

 

 

 

So he tried to lie to the W not realizing she had emails from you? Was he trying to claim that the affair was in your head...one sided?

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jellybean89
That's the problem sometimes. You will never really know. Blind trust... non existent

 

I disagree. I believe the trust can be re-earned and re-built.

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I disagree. I believe the trthe deptusth can be re-earned and re-built.

 

I did say sometimes.

 

I don't think it's possible in my particular situation. I hope it is the case for others. I would never blindly trust him again....or anyone else for that matter. Trust but verify is something I learned to do from reading here.

 

Sometimes the trust is impossible to rebuild after the depth of things are revealed. Other times people go on to be very happy. I was just answering for myself. Nothing to disagree about. It's a matter of experience not fact or fiction.

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I'm a realist. He defined a timeline and didn't meet it. I am not interested in being in an affair so it had to end. It's humiliating to be a secret. Horrible to listen to wishes versus planning and living my life.

 

I don't believe in one person being "the one" yet I can't have him. By definition, my xMM wasn't mine. He was married. He was committed to another woman who he shared children and a history with.

 

Who was I? The one alone who was waiting for someday while my conscience ate away at me. The one who knew I'd have to end it when the timeline expired. Anything else would have taken my self-respect.

 

My getting over him was a process. I had to be realistic as the deadline approached. His behavior at the end showed me how selfish he was. His lies after his wife knew showed me even more. I can find a selfish man anywhere. I deserved more and I got that back when I stuck to the timeline. Telling his wife was the right thing to do. Ultimately, I believe that also helped me move on.

 

 

Interesting to hear, most people staunchly advocate against telling the wife saying that it keeps you stuck in the conflict. I'm glad you've moved on and it gave you some closure.

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I'm a realist. He defined a timeline and didn't meet it. I am not interested in being in an affair so it had to end. It's humiliating to be a secret. Horrible to listen to wishes versus planning and living my life.

 

I don't believe in one person being "the one" yet I can't have him. By definition, my xMM wasn't mine. He was married. He was committed to another woman who he shared children and a history with.

 

Who was I? The one alone who was waiting for someday while my conscience ate away at me. The one who knew I'd have to end it when the timeline expired. Anything else would have taken my self-respect.

 

My getting over him was a process. I had to be realistic as the deadline approached. His behavior at the end showed me how selfish he was. His lies after his wife knew showed me even more. I can find a selfish man anywhere. I deserved more and I got that back when I stuck to the timeline. Telling his wife was the right thing to do. Ultimately, I believe that also helped me move on.

 

 

What a winner you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KUDOS to you for being so incredibly smart and strong.

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Out of curiosity, how many of you OW/OM were 'thrown under the bus' by your AP on d-day and did they continue or try to restart the affair after d-day?

 

I'd wager virtually all of them.

 

For them not to means they essentially say "I pursued her" - and look, granted we men aren't always the sharpest knives in the kitchen - but we're smart enough to not castrate ourselves.

 

Usually.

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I'd wager virtually all of them.

 

For them not to means they essentially say "I pursued her" - and look, granted we men aren't always the sharpest knives in the kitchen - but we're smart enough to not castrate ourselves.

 

Usually.

 

This made me LOL.

 

My definition of thrown under the bus would be if on Dday, he gave out my personal contact details (and didn't warn me she might be coming over or calling), if he places all the blame on me, claims I was the pursuer. I'd be pretty pissed if there was no contact after dday. I know, I know, having contact to tell there can't be any more contact because of DDAY, is almost an oxymoron.

 

I've never had a dday, but I had a cheating boyfriend who threw me under the bus to the other woman. He had her convinced I was the other woman. She had known him for a month, I'd been dating him for 1.5 years. It was an odd way to break up, to have her tell me to get the hell away from HER man quit calling HER man.

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