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The old just roommates thing


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How many of you ow were told by your mm that his life with w was just as roommates/co parents? Did you believe him when he said they weren't having sex? I did for a while cause I'd been in a sexless marriage, but it seems pretty uncommon. I'll never know now. If the mm's wife ever contacted me I would ask her.

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How many of you ow were told by your mm that his life with w was just as roommates/co parents? Did you believe him when he said they weren't having sex? I did for a while cause I'd been in a sexless marriage, but it seems pretty uncommon. I'll never know now. If the mm's wife ever contacted me I would ask her.

 

 

QuakerOats, he told me the 'roommate' thing while we were JUST friends so I do believe it was true.

 

Also, once he reconsiled with her, he made it clear that his marriage had gone from 'roommates' to really good.

 

Yeah, just turn the knife that jabbed my heart, right?

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As a BS I can give you my perspective. When my H was in his A(I was unaware of course) he and I actually did separate due to marital issues but continued to live in the same home and sleep in the same bed. We did not have any intimacy for about a week but then resumed our intimate relationship and it was more often than before we split up. He was still in the A during that time and has told me that he did not inform her that we were intimate until a out a month later ( their A was only physical twice). He has told me that she was very upset when she did find out that our relationship was not the roommate situation he had said and as a MOW she maintained that she was never with her H. My H claims that he lied at first but then was honest about that aspect of our lives. Although she was upset she continued the A. I would guess(because I have only his word) that he lead her to believe that we were like roommates to ensure that he had her still. I feel that most women would not want to continue with a man once they knew that so I'm sure he gave her only the info he wanted to. My situation is an example of no one ever knows what is going on in the home of the MM. I would always doubt the words of a man willing to lie to his W to be with me.

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When I was the 'ow' I never actually believed it.

 

I could always tell when he'd had sex with his live-in GF, as he'd be even more affectionate etc. He always swore blind that they didn't have sex...and I knew from his best friend (who to this day still doesn't realise we had an affair) that there were problems in that department for them, but it wasn't totally sexless. It didn't happen that often, and tbh, it didn't annoy me as much as it probably should have. I live in a city, they lived in a very small town about 30 miles away and our social paths never crossed...and physically I never felt threatened by her. Even though the sexual side of our relationship was very good (still the best I've had), I was with him more for what he offered me emotionally.

 

Like Red123 mentioned, I always believed that as he was lying to her, he was probably lying to me, too.

Edited by Mittens
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My MOM and I are very honest about the fact that we still have sex with our spouses, if for no other reason, to keep them from getting suspicious. He once said he was having a hard time physically being with her after me and I told him that he has to get it done. I'm not going to ever tell him he can't or expect him to not sleep with his wife, whom he lives with. Here's a little bit of advice for OW's... If YOU are the only one who thinks they're roommates and having marital troubles (family and friends think things are fine) then you're probably being somewhat mislead.

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snappytomcat

as a bs,I do know my ws told the xow,that we were roomates,never had sex,he slept on the couch,even when we would get in a fight,and I told him to sleep on couch he would not,he said I could not kick him out of our bed,we slept together every night,and had sex a few times a week.

mm must have a handbook,seems like they all say the same thing to the ow,they all seem to be great liars

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Speakingofwhich

I tried to post an answer but guess I'm a little shy to do so, even anonymously!

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my WH told OW that we had no sex life - that wasn't true.

 

We were having some marital problems. By the standards of happier times we had "no sex life" but we still had sex, just not as often.

 

We also always slept in the same bed and kissed, snuggled, etc.

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OW was very distressed when she found out the truth -- we weren't living as brother and sister. I don't think I need to comment on the irony.

 

I always thought that if you were willing to have sex with a married person, you assumed the risk that he/she was still having sex with his/her spouse. Because it's pretty likely that they are, at least occasionally.

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ten characters

 

 

 

 

PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE... tell me what this means... "ten characters". I've seen this response on a few occasions and I am completely mystified by it. I can't even venture a guess, so I WILL NOT sleep tonight unless someone clues me in.

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My exMM said that. Said and still says that they play house and sex and intimacy are non-existent, as she always has excuses. He says at times he feels he will explode. And our R wasn't sex based. So do I believe him? I don't know and don't think about it. He told me so much with what I think was with complete honesty, because his words hurt me at times, so I don't know why he would lie about that. While he wanted to bring me great pleasure in his ways, he didn't necessarily want or need me to reciprocate. He said he just loved me for who I was, not sex.

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snappytomcat
PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE... tell me what this means... "ten characters". I've seen this response on a few occasions and I am completely mystified by it. I can't even venture a guess, so I WILL NOT sleep tonight unless someone clues me in.

ive always wondered what it meant to,but I was embarrassed to ask, cause I thought maybe im the only one that doesn't know,so im happy there is someone else who doesn't know,and we can find out together

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ive always wondered what it meant to,but I was embarrassed to ask, cause I thought maybe im the only one that doesn't know,so im happy there is someone else who doesn't know,and we can find out together

 

I am not 100% certain, but this is my best guess: there must be a minimum of ten characters of text in order for a post to successfully be submitted. If someone goes back and wants to delete/edit their previous post, the only way to delete everything is to replace it with at least ten characters of text.

 

Does that make sense? (Again, I may be totally off-base here...)

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snappytomcat
I am not 100% certain, but this is my best guess: there must be a minimum of ten characters of text in order for a post to successfully be submitted. If someone goes back and wants to delete/edit their previous post, the only way to delete everything is to replace it with at least ten characters of text.

 

Does that make sense? (Again, I may be totally off-base here...)

thanks waverly,i have dyslexia so I had to really pay attention to what you wrote,andread it slowly after the 3rd time,it does make sense

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My MOM and I are very honest about the fact that we still have sex with our spouses, if for no other reason, to keep them from getting suspicious. He once said he was having a hard time physically being with her after me and I told him that he has to get it done. I'm not going to ever tell him he can't or expect him to not sleep with his wife, whom he lives with. Here's a little bit of advice for OW's... If YOU are the only one who thinks they're roommates and having marital troubles (family and friends think things are fine) then you're probably being somewhat mislead.

 

There is a big difference when you are both married and cheating. As for why we'd believe such statements? For the same reasons the bs's believe their spouses I suppose.

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How many of you ow were told by your mm that his life with w was just as roommates/co parents? Did you believe him when he said they weren't having sex? I did for a while cause I'd been in a sexless marriage, but it seems pretty uncommon. I'll never know now. If the mm's wife ever contacted me I would ask her.

 

My MM never told me that. I always avoid whenever he starts venting out about his marriage. Cos I don't want to fall for sympathy, I guess.

 

Although actually they did have no sex for two weeks straight where he slept in the guestroom when they had a fight because she discovered about me (this happened 7 months ago). His W told me this.

In terms of timeline, they already had marital problems before I was in the pic (so I guess they didn't make love every day), but...this is what she said...he became more distant from her when I was in, this was the reason she suspected he had been seeing another woman (me). She then found our email exchanges.

When she discovered about me, I immediately broke up with him for her. He slept in the guestroom for 2 weeks without informing me, his W didnt kick him out he slept there cos he was angry at her, while during those weeks we had 3 lunches and he told me about the fight...how she was able to get his mobile and read our emails...he confessed he missed me and dreamed of me. Yet I kept on giving him cold shoulders. He returned to his bedroom maybe for sex cos I didn't give him any?

 

Anyways...according to his W, my MM is a very temperamental person, that she's afraid of pissing him off...this character I've never seen in person.

I've known him for 2 years now...been his OW oon and off for 9 months. At times, I can sense he doesn't care for her...but I believe they have sex, at least 1x a week.

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My MM never told me that. I always avoid whenever he starts venting out about his marriage. Cos I don't want to fall for sympathy, I guess.

 

Although actually they did have no sex for two weeks straight where he slept in the guestroom when they had a fight because she discovered about me (this happened 7 months ago). His W told me this.

In terms of timeline, they already had marital problems before I was in the pic (so I guess they didn't make love every day), but...this is what she said...he became more distant from her when I was in, this was the reason she suspected he had been seeing another woman (me). She then found our email exchanges.

When she discovered about me, I immediately broke up with him for her. He slept in the guestroom for 2 weeks without informing me, his W didnt kick him out he slept there cos he was angry at her, while during those weeks we had 3 lunches and he told me about the fight...how she was able to get his mobile and read our emails...he confessed he missed me and dreamed of me. Yet I kept on giving him cold shoulders. He returned to his bedroom maybe for sex cos I didn't give him any?

 

Anyways...according to his W, my MM is a very temperamental person, that she's afraid of pissing him off...this character I've never seen in person.

I've known him for 2 years now...been his OW oon and off for 9 months. At times, I can sense he doesn't care for her...but I believe they have sex, at least 1x a week.

 

 

So, even with a d-day and her knowing about you, he has continued the affair?

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Quaker---how long have you been NC? And, you initiated it, correct?

 

Yes, I initiated NC. Been mostly nc for around a month...complete for a little over a week after he broke NC. It sucks, but what other choice is there.

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Yes, I initiated NC. Been mostly nc for around a month...complete for a little over a week after he broke NC. It sucks, but what other choice is there.

 

It sure seems that I am the only one on this entire site whose exMM did not break NC. And, neither of us formally initiated it. I don't get it..I think it's 12 weeks now!

Edited by Mickey1982
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How many of you ow were told by your mm that his life with w was just as roommates/co parents?

 

It comes up a not insignificant number of times here.

 

Did you believe him when he said they weren't having sex?

 

It may or may not be true. Does it matter?

 

If the mm's wife ever contacted me I would ask her.

 

Why wait?

If MM says they are living liking room mates the first thing I type is "so go knock on their front door". You'd be amazed at the times an OW reads that, says something like that to the WS - and gets all kinds of reasons as to why she can't.

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whatatangledweb
It sure seems that I am the only one on this entire site whose exMM did not break NC. And, neither of us formally initiated it. I don't get it..I think it's 12 weeks now!
It may be true with the OW s here now. But since I have been here there have been several who never heard from them again. You aren't alone in it happening. I'm sorry you are hurting.
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It may be true with the OW s here now. But since I have been here there have been several who never heard from them again. You aren't alone in it happening. I'm sorry you are hurting.

 

Just has me questioning the love again, you know? Yet, in my heart of hearts, I believe he did love me at the time....:(

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No, he and I were not just roommates. It's what he told his OW though. We did have sex, not as often as we used to but that's to be expected considering we worked opposite shifts. He started working nights and met her at around the same time so it's hard to say whether or not the number of times we were intimate decreased because he was getting it elsewhere or because he was never here when I was awake during the week.

 

One thing she said to me that bugs me is this... when I told her (OW) that our relationship was not sexless like she believed... she said she had proof that he and I never had sex. I never did figure out what she meant by that. When I asked her, she told me it was none of my business but that she knew without a doubt that he and I were not having sex. I almost wish I knew but yet I don't really want to know the level of deceit that they both went to to keep their affair secret from their significant others.

 

I still find it quite bizarre that she felt the need to know all about MY sex life but HER sex life with MY man was none of my business. It's a bit hypocritical. She thinks she knows everything there is to know about me but she doesn't know a damn thing... only what he told her and that wasn't the truth.

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