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I'mNotYours

Oh well, I haven't been around here for at while. Mostly because I was/am doing really good and I didn't need support anymore and also because LS reminded me of the A.

 

Backround: I'm single, fell in love with MM last Summer, A lasted 4 months, he ended it to work on his marriage. NC lasted 4 months, but I broke it around Christmas. I wrote a mail and he responded, but he didn't want to meet. He said his marriage isn't that well and he's confused. It ended with a long mail from him, where he asked me to move on, because he can't give me what I want, and wished me well. I replied that I accept and respect that and we said goodbye. Total NC since then.

 

It was really painful, but I saw it as closure and have since then worked hard to move on. I still think about him, miss him, but recently I have been thinking that he isn't the right man for me. He has a lot of great qualities and our A never became nasty and he has been respectful all the way, but I deserve more. I haven't dated or met anyone, but I feel like I'm ready for love again.

 

And then..two days ago I got a text from him. He just wanted to hear how I'm doing. I never ever thought I would hear from him again, but I have wished it SO many times, but when it actually happened, I wasn't all that excited.

 

I haven't replied and I don't know what to do. I don't like to be ignored and I don't like ignoring people so it very hard for me to just let it be. Our A ended in a good way (as good as it could be), so I have no reason to be mad at him or anything. But at the same time I'm thinking..this is not enough. A little text after almost 4 months of NC..is that all he can give me? He has to put more effort in this if he wants me to respond.

 

I'm also scared. What if I reply and there's just silence? What if he says the text was a mistake? As far as I know he's still married so I don't think he actually wants anything from me. I don't even think he wants to meet. Maybe he's just being polite and wants to make sure I have moved on so he can get rid of his bad conscience? :(

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SunshineToday

Do not respond!

Who cares what he thinks. He was okay to go all that time with no contact. He wi be just fine.

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He made his CHOICE....hes looking to boost his ego....guage whether ur still into him....the reply is pointless.....

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I'mNotYours

Ok, I think I'm in a what if-mode right now, but what if my lack of response makes him think that he made the right choice not to leave his wife, because I'm probably angry, have moved on or whatever? And even if he considered to leave his wife, he wont do it now because it seems like I'm not interested anymore?

 

What if this is a chance to prove to him that my feelings were real and that I still care about him?

 

I know it's silly to think like that :(

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"What if this is a chance to prove to him that my feelings were real and that I still care about him?"

 

 

He already knows this. He knows. It doesn't matter. He is staying with BW.

 

 

He probably just feels guilt and sending you an email makes him feel like what he did wasn't so bad.

 

 

Please ignore him. For your own mental health.

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Devastated1969
Ok, I think I'm in a what if-mode right now, but what if my lack of response makes him think that he made the right choice not to leave his wife, because I'm probably angry, have moved on or whatever? And even if he considered to leave his wife, he wont do it now because it seems like I'm not interested anymore?

 

What if this is a chance to prove to him that my feelings were real and that I still care about him?

 

I know it's silly to think like that :(

 

INY, I understand your what if's (I'm sure all of us on here have tortured ourselves with them at some stage) but IF his M was over, he would leave with or without you. I'm praying my xMM never breaks NC but I hope I would be strong enough to ignore him if he does. Keep strong, you've done so well, don't undo that for the sake of boosting his ego.

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Ok, I think I'm in a what if-mode right now, but what if my lack of response makes him think that he made the right choice not to leave his wife, because I'm probably angry, have moved on or whatever? And even if he considered to leave his wife, he wont do it now because it seems like I'm not interested anymore?

 

What if this is a chance to prove to him that my feelings were real and that I still care about him?

 

I know it's silly to think like that :(

 

 

Ok so let me play devils advocate here and say yes!! This is all true, and if you don't respond he won't leave her because this was your big chance to prove your love..

 

There's only one problem with this, it's not up to you to prove your love, it's up to him to grow some balls and leave his wife, and to do it because he's unhappy not because he knows you're waiting in the wings...furthermore, he walked away from you and CHOSE his wife, please love yourself enough and don't respond. And if you do (because I understand not wanting to ignore) say nothing other than unless you (he) can provide you with separation papers then to please respect you and maintain NC.

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Ok so let me play devils advocate here and say yes!! This is all true, and if you don't respond he won't leave her because this was your big chance to prove your love..

 

There's only one problem with this, it's not up to you to prove your love, it's up to him to grow some balls and leave his wife, and to do it because he's unhappy not because he knows you're waiting in the wings...furthermore, he walked away from you and CHOSE his wife, please love yourself enough and don't respond. And if you do (because I understand not wanting to ignore) say nothing other than unless you (he) can provide you with separation papers then to please respect you and maintain NC.

 

Deep down I feel you still want to reach back out to him? Question? If you are truly over him you would prob respond without a care in the world to the outcome because you confessed "he's not the right man for you".

 

If your still emotionally attached to him... Respond on your own terms when YOU are ready. Some people say go NC for your own self but if your over him... A "hi" back and keep it moving won't hurt.

 

I don't like ignoring and playing games either.

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I'mNotYours
Deep down I feel you still want to reach back out to him? Question? If you are truly over him you would prob respond without a care in the world to the outcome because you confessed "he's not the right man for you".

 

If your still emotionally attached to him... Respond on your own terms when YOU are ready. Some people say go NC for your own self but if your over him... A "hi" back and keep it moving won't hurt.

 

I don't like ignoring and playing games either.

 

I guess it's hard, because I (like probably most of us) was forced to move on. I didn't want to. I wanted him to divorce and to be with him, but that wouldn't happen, so I had to let him go. So there're still feelings.

 

But I do see clearly now and I can see things about him that would make a relationship hard.

 

I guess I'm just disappointed. I want more than just a text. And I'm confused. What does he want? Why does he contact me..why now? I know what I want, and it's not smalltalk. I'm glad he hasn't forgotten about me, but he's still married (of course I can't be 100 % sure about that, but I guess he would have written that if that was the case). So it's kind of bittersweet right now.

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Asking how you're doing can just be the introduction. He's fishing if you're still on to him. That's how my ExMM texts me anyway. After I respond, because like you I don't want to be ignored and I don't want to be rude, then it begins again. And then all that work to heal while in NC is wasted.

 

I would say don't respond for your mental health and no to second guessing why he'd send that. I know this is easier than done. I hope I can follow my own advice!

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That was very selfish of him. I hate to read when MM need to pick the scab off of a healing wound of the OW they tossed to the side.

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That was very selfish of him. I hate to read when MM need to pick the scab off of a healing wound of the OW they tossed to the side.

 

 

Yes, this. Love the way you said that QO. It hurts to read but it's so true! Such a purely selfish act on mm's part

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Summer Breeze

Text back that you aren't interested in hearing from him unless he's left the M, he can show his D papers, and he wants to take you out on your first date.

 

This tells him you have feelings but if you are going to get involved again it is on YOUR terms.

 

And something to consider. He stayed in the M but if he's responded to you previously and he's instigating contact now that means he hasn't chosen anything. He's still happy to be sitting in the middle of 2 women he's hurt and evidently prepared to keep on hurting.

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Speakingofwhich

Another option and what I'd probably do is to text back with, "Doing great! Too busy to text much but wishing you the best!" Then if he texts back you are right in line for being courteous with no return text as you've indicated you're too busy to text. Also, the text implies you are fine and have moved on.

 

For me, if I didn't text I would feel it may erroneously seem as if I'm still hung up on him and couldn't handle a casual response. But, I wouldn't want to get into a texting volley with him.

 

However, though, I like Summer Breeze's response the best.

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I'mNotYours

Thank you all :love:

 

I'm still confused. I really don't know what to do. It doesn't feel good not to reply, but I'm so scared what will happen if I reply :(

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jellybean89

I don't understand this whole "I don't want to be rude" stuff. He chose to stay married/committed with someone else. And you don't want to be rude to him? You gave your heart, soul and body to this person, it ends with him staying put and you feel you need to respond to a "how are you" text????

 

If he was divorced, he would have called. Cowards text.

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I'mNotYours

I wrote back that I can't have contact with him unless he's single. That I can't be the OW anymore. And I asked him what he really wants. He got upset and said that we should just forget it and he still doesn't know what he wants. So I asked him to let me go.

 

Oh, it hurts. I hurts to let him go not because I want to, but because he doesn't want me. He doesn't want me. Ouch :(

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I wrote back that I can't have contact with him unless he's single. That I can't be the OW anymore. And I asked him what he really wants. He got upset and said that we should just forget it and he still doesn't know what he wants. So I asked him to let me go.

 

Oh, it hurts. I hurts to let him go not because I want to, but because he doesn't want me. He doesn't want me. Ouch :(

 

 

What a spineless, self serving bastard

 

I'm so sorry but really feel you'll be better off in the long run ((hugs))

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I wrote back that I can't have contact with him unless he's single. That I can't be the OW anymore. And I asked him what he really wants. He got upset and said that we should just forget it and he still doesn't know what he wants. So I asked him to let me go.

 

Oh, it hurts. I hurts to let him go not because I want to, but because he doesn't want me. He doesn't want me. Ouch :(

 

You did the right thing. You really really did. You should feel good about yourself for being so strong and communicating clearly to him what you need. It's up to him to be a man now and decide.

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Summer Breeze
I wrote back that I can't have contact with him unless he's single. That I can't be the OW anymore. And I asked him what he really wants. He got upset and said that we should just forget it and he still doesn't know what he wants. So I asked him to let me go.

 

Oh, it hurts. I hurts to let him go not because I want to, but because he doesn't want me. He doesn't want me. Ouch :(

 

You did great and exactly the right thing. Of course he knows what he wants. He wants a W at home who he can manipulate and an OW somewhere else he can manipulate. You've let him know you're better than that. You deserve so much more than that. Be thankful you see the real him and you get to make that choice. Be thankful he doesn't want you.

 

Please don't take it like you've lost some competition. The only one this benefits is him. He hasn't chosen her, as a matter of fact she's in a worse position than you are. He hasn't chosen her and she doesn't even know it. If he's knocking at your door he isn't committed to her any more than he's committed to you.

 

It does hurt. I'm not saying it doesn't but you have now taken control of the situation. He acted like a petulant child because he didn't get his own way. He expected you to fall into line and go back to the status quo. You didn't so he had a tantrum. Keep in mind when kids throw tantrums it's designed so they eventually get what they want. They're testing the Mommy and Daddy's resolve. Consider him testing yours.

 

You finally have control. You may slip a little but gain it back just as soon as you realize what you've done.

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I'mNotYours
You did great and exactly the right thing. Of course he knows what he wants. He wants a W at home who he can manipulate and an OW somewhere else he can manipulate. You've let him know you're better than that. You deserve so much more than that. Be thankful you see the real him and you get to make that choice. Be thankful he doesn't want you.

 

Please don't take it like you've lost some competition. The only one this benefits is him. He hasn't chosen her, as a matter of fact she's in a worse position than you are. He hasn't chosen her and she doesn't even know it. If he's knocking at your door he isn't committed to her any more than he's committed to you.

 

It does hurt. I'm not saying it doesn't but you have now taken control of the situation. He acted like a petulant child because he didn't get his own way. He expected you to fall into line and go back to the status quo. You didn't so he had a tantrum. Keep in mind when kids throw tantrums it's designed so they eventually get what they want. They're testing the Mommy and Daddy's resolve. Consider him testing yours.

 

You finally have control. You may slip a little but gain it back just as soon as you realize what you've done.

 

Thank you :love: That helped.

 

I have seen the A like a competition. I don't know if I do anymore. I think you're right that he hasn't chosen any of us, but I guess I still think she has won, because he's with her and not me. I would get crazy if my husband behaved like that, but she doesn't know, so how bad is it actually?

 

I don't get the "I don't know what I want" either. Well, he's with his wife, so it's pretty clear what he wants.

 

It also hurts that I thought we had this beautiful and special thing together (pretty normal for A's, I guess), and now it just seems dirty and wrong. Even though he claimed he was in love with me and he said he still has feelings, I'm doubting everything. I don't want to see our A like that...that it was just sex. It affects my self esteem and how I view myself. I don't want to be someone who men just want to f... and nothing more, but I guess I am.

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Summer Breeze
Thank you :love: That helped.

 

I have seen the A like a competition. I don't know if I do anymore. I think you're right that he hasn't chosen any of us, but I guess I still think she has won, because he's with her and not me. I would get crazy if my husband behaved like that, but she doesn't know, so how bad is it actually?

 

I don't get the "I don't know what I want" either. Well, he's with his wife, so it's pretty clear what he wants.

 

It also hurts that I thought we had this beautiful and special thing together (pretty normal for A's, I guess), and now it just seems dirty and wrong. Even though he claimed he was in love with me and he said he still has feelings, I'm doubting everything. I don't want to see our A like that...that it was just sex. It affects my self esteem and how I view myself. I don't want to be someone who men just want to f... and nothing more, but I guess I am.

 

I think in this competition you might want to look at who the definition of winner and loser. She's being kept in the dark by someone who professed to love her and protect her. He's lying to her every second of their life together. He's actually treating her much worse than he is you.

 

No. You are someone who was open enough to fall in love. You gave someone your heart and he methodically trampled on it and wants to have another try. I've had Rs with men who have used me for a variety of things but that doesn't make me less than what I am. It's painful but you have to look at the experiences as they are. He may have wanted a plaything and just to f... you but that does not mean you are a woman that men only want to f... . Do what I've done in my thousand years on this earth -- figure out what you did wrong and do your best not to do it again!

 

Listen. We all have Rs that have been lopsided. It's painful when you see more in any R than the other participant does but it doesn't mean it was meaningless to them. It means that for whatever reason they haven't put in as much as you have. Lick your wounds, take the good memories, learn from the hurt, take a deep breath when you feel like you're going to fall apart and look forward to a future where you don't have to worry about what he's doing with his W and what you don't have. Get your future filled up with new dreams and live that life. Don't let him keep you mired where you are. Don't let him control you anymore.

 

You're doing great and you'll be fine. That text was huge. You set out your boundaries and I would imagine he'll be back to test you again. Be prepared.

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Oh well, I haven't been around here for at while. Mostly because I was/am doing really good and I didn't need support anymore and also because LS reminded me of the A.

 

Backround: I'm single, fell in love with MM last Summer, A lasted 4 months, he ended it to work on his marriage. NC lasted 4 months, but I broke it around Christmas. I wrote a mail and he responded, but he didn't want to meet. He said his marriage isn't that well and he's confused. It ended with a long mail from him, where he asked me to move on, because he can't give me what I want, and wished me well. I replied that I accept and respect that and we said goodbye. Total NC since then.

 

It was really painful, but I saw it as closure and have since then worked hard to move on. I still think about him, miss him, but recently I have been thinking that he isn't the right man for me. He has a lot of great qualities and our A never became nasty and he has been respectful all the way, but I deserve more. I haven't dated or met anyone, but I feel like I'm ready for love again.

 

And then..two days ago I got a text from him. He just wanted to hear how I'm doing. I never ever thought I would hear from him again, but I have wished it SO many times, but when it actually happened, I wasn't all that excited.

 

I haven't replied and I don't know what to do. I don't like to be ignored and I don't like ignoring people so it very hard for me to just let it be. Our A ended in a good way (as good as it could be), so I have no reason to be mad at him or anything. But at the same time I'm thinking..this is not enough. A little text after almost 4 months of NC..is that all he can give me? He has to put more effort in this if he wants me to respond.

 

I'm also scared. What if I reply and there's just silence? What if he says the text was a mistake? As far as I know he's still married so I don't think he actually wants anything from me. I don't even think he wants to meet. Maybe he's just being polite and wants to make sure I have moved on so he can get rid of his bad conscience? :(

 

If it is causing so much distress already and anxiety, leave it alone.

 

That is the ONE thing that's within your power. When you don't reply you control the situation for yourself and don't need to worry about what if he doesn't answer, what if he says it was a mistake etc.

 

He won't die because you didn't reply to his message. Trust me. Neither will you. It was just a text, not a handwritten letter sent with much forethought. He can be the one to worry about maybe you didn't get the text, maybe this, maybe that instead of you working yourself up over it. Been there, done that and usually the follow up is not at all that exciting, in fact it's often very disappointing.

 

You aren't totally over him, which is to be expected as it hasn't even been a year not even, but if you have declared he isn't the man for you and you're moving on, I don't see how it's helpful to start opening up communication. If you were healed and didn't care then it wouldn't be an issue, you wouldn't even be mulling it over. But the fact that you are says that you should keep NC. NC isn't ignoring someone for malicious reasons, it's closing those channels so you can move on and heal. Too many OW (and regular broken up singles) get one text message and go into a tailspin when the text changes nothing 9/10 times....breathe and let it go. If anything changes or it was that deep, trust me, he would reach out again or call or send an email or find another way of getting to you. As is, I'm sure he's still married and maybe missing you or curious or any of the other things you've also suggested and it will not be a situation at all any different than what you are trying to leave behind.

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I'mNotYours
If it is causing so much distress already and anxiety, leave it alone.

 

That is the ONE thing that's within your power. When you don't reply you control the situation for yourself and don't need to worry about what if he doesn't answer, what if he says it was a mistake etc.

 

He won't die because you didn't reply to his message. Trust me. Neither will you. It was just a text, not a handwritten letter sent with much forethought. He can be the one to worry about maybe you didn't get the text, maybe this, maybe that instead of you working yourself up over it. Been there, done that and usually the follow up is not at all that exciting, in fact it's often very disappointing.

 

You aren't totally over him, which is to be expected as it hasn't even been a year not even, but if you have declared he isn't the man for you and you're moving on, I don't see how it's helpful to start opening up communication. If you were healed and didn't care then it wouldn't be an issue, you wouldn't even be mulling it over. But the fact that you are says that you should keep NC. NC isn't ignoring someone for malicious reasons, it's closing those channels so you can move on and heal. Too many OW (and regular broken up singles) get one text message and go into a tailspin when the text changes nothing 9/10 times....breathe and let it go. If anything changes or it was that deep, trust me, he would reach out again or call or send an email or find another way of getting to you. As is, I'm sure he's still married and maybe missing you or curious or any of the other things you've also suggested and it will not be a situation at all any different than what you are trying to leave behind.

 

I did reply (see post number 19), but I will remember your advice and I will not reply if he writes again..unless he's gotten divorced. But he doesn't seem like a fighter, so I guess I wont hear from him again.

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