Just 5 words. NC in full effect.

[Nothisgirl]

"I'm sorry I can't deliver" -- those were the words that have hardened my heart enough to stick to true NC... Not the limbo of LC we've been in

 

(Ex)mm and I had a conversation today where he asked me what I needed of wanted from him. I told him I need more than he's willing to give me so my only option is true NC. I told him he needs to leave me alone

 

And mixed in with a whole bunch of flowery bull**** was those five words "I'm sorry I can't deliver". And just like that, I felt strong. There is was an ADMISSION of his inability to grow some balls and make the choice that he says he wants.... He then got upset with me for doing this "on text" I told him, "you asked on text and I'm giving u my honest answer. I won't settle for one more second and you won't give me what I deserve so don't be mad at me that you don't have the guts to actually DO something . I deserve more, your wife deserves more"

 

He then went on to tell me he wasn't mad and that he understands what I'm saying..blah blah BLAH.

 

I responded with

"Ok, so please leave me be so I can move forward"

 

He didn't respond.

 

 

And that's that. It needed to happen, in a way I'm relieved it happened but admittedly, I'm still sad.

 

Just looking for some support as I move on from this A. I have a feeling I'll be posting a lot

[forbidden_love]

" I told him I need more than he's willing to give me so my only option is true NC. I told him he needs to leave me alone

I responded with

"Ok, so please leave me be so I can move forward"

 

He didn't respond.lot

 

Ultimatums ultimately do not work for either OW or BS. Believe me I tried it, it only made us both crazy.

[Nothisgirl]

Ultimatums ultimately do not work for either OW or BS. Believe me I tried it, it only made us both crazy.

 

It wasn't intended as an ultimatum. Not at all and he knew that. I made up MY mind. And I was letting him know that what he was willing to offer wasn't enough for me.

[Lady2163]

Text is a rough way to end it, but sometimes it happens this way.

 

When I made the decision to end having sex with my married friend, I spent a week sulking. Barely getting out of bed. (I had a really convuluted process I had to go through, long story, I knew it was going to happen long before he did).

 

So, as you move forward in the next few days, try to have some plans. Spend time sulking and sleeping if you need to, but also start a new project or a new class or dust off the Wii or bicycle or something.

 

It's time to protect yourself, because as is commonly noted on here, they come back.

 

I didnt have to go no contact, but even though I'm single, I am living two lives. MM thinks I am in a new relationship. We are still able to be buddies and talk so far. But I'm dreading there will be a push for intimacy when he gets horny.

 

Good luck to you!

[blue963]

I dont think it was so much an ultimatum, but the truth of what she needs. Everyone deserves to have their needs met. I think she did a great thing for herself. I am very happy for you that you now have an opportunity for happiness in the future for yourself.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Ultimatums ultimately do not work for either OW or BS. Believe me I tried it, it only made us both crazy.

 

Boundaries are not about controlling anyone but yourself.

[Nothisgirl]

I dont think it was so much an ultimatum, but the truth of what she needs. Everyone deserves to have their needs met. I think she did a great thing for herself. I am very happy for you that you now have an opportunity for happiness in the future for yourself.

 

Ty so much blue... I'm still in IC, working through why in the hell, after being a BS I allowed myself to be the OW...THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT!

 

Boundaries are not about controlling anyone but yourself.

 

Exactly and I'm am confident that without placing stricter ones right now he would've continued status quo for as long as I allowed it ... He told me that for him having me in his life, even if it was just in limited contact was better than not having me at all...talk about cake eater. Anyways unfortunately, or fortunately, i want and need more and LC keeps me stuck.

[veritas lux mea]

Ultimatums ultimately do not work for either OW or BS. Believe me I tried it, it only made us both crazy.

 

Making a descision to put your foot down no matter the outcome does work. Bluffing doesn't always or thinking that a certain outcome will occur if you put your foot down.

 

i.e.

 

You have to choose me or her whike thinking you will of course be chosen is not the same as saying it and fully accepting the fact that by doin so you will probably lose the person.

 

Sticking to your word, saying enough is enough and doing what is best (not easiest) for yourself does get results. Maybe not rising off into te sunset results but a better future with less uncertainty where you can respect yourself and have a healthy love.

[kaynichole]

I am right there with you. My NC started a week ago today and about 3 days ago he contacted me to explain why he broke my heart. Like a fool I responded only to get my heart broken even more. Be strong, I know how hard it is. I sit here an contemplate disappearing because the pain is too much but it will be ok. We deserve more.

[Nothisgirl]

Making a descision to put your foot down no matter the outcome does work. Bluffing doesn't always or thinking that a certain outcome will occur if you put your foot down.

 

i.e.

 

You have to choose me or her whike thinking you will of course be chosen is not the same as saying it and fully accepting the fact that by doin so you will probably lose the person.

 

Sticking to your word, saying enough is enough and doing what is best (not easiest) for yourself does get results. Maybe not rising off into te sunset results but a better future with less uncertainty where you can respect yourself and have a healthy love.

 

And that's just it. I didn't tell him what I did to elicit a response of any sort. And tbh I don't even know if at this point he left his marriage that is want to be with him. It's been a long process, but the crux is idk if I would ever trust him (duh)

 

He also did his usual and ask for more time, that he is leaving but can't "right now" things to put in place, the kids end of school yr etc etc..but as far as I am concerned a year is more than enough time. And I know I can't keep and don't wantto keep doing this.

 

So what I am saying is that I did this for ME. I made boundaries that protect what I need despite it hurting I know it's best. This wasn't about issuing a choice. I made my choice for myself.

[Nothisgirl]

I am right there with you. My NC started a week ago today and about 3 days ago he contacted me to explain why he broke my heart. Like a fool I responded only to get my heart broken even more. Be strong, I know how hard it is. I sit here an contemplate disappearing because the pain is too much but it will be ok. We deserve more.

 

We can be strong together. Welcome to LS, reach out for support... It's really helped me

[jellybean89]

I hope you really are done this time. Your story is one I have followed and I keep seeing you allowing him to continue to keep you as an option and not a priority. I hope you are done and ARE DOING EVERYTHING you can to ensure he doesn't contact you -- block him, delete him, etc. Most of all, do NOT reply to any communication from him. Yes, you are going to grieve but do not allow yourself to continue this way -- you are losing valuable time out of your life that you won't get back. You deserve to have a full life without being the hidden, secret lover. Of course he wants more time to stall...he has a good thing going -- wife and mistress. Stop letting him control your life and stop giving him chance after chance. If he was going to leave, he would have. Don't waste another day of your life on this jerk. Break free once and for all.

[lollipopspot]

I think if you're serious, you need to block his number and address on your phone and email, if you haven't already. Maybe even consider changing your number.

 

It's pretty certain he'll try to worm his way in again.

[FoolishOW]

Ultimatums ultimately do not work for either OW or BS. Believe me I tried it, it only made us both crazy.

 

 

Your statement is true... ultimatums typical don't work, because they're more about frustration and manipulation on the part of the person giving the ultimatum. Often times it's more about attempting to solicit a desired reaction, more than having any intention of following through on what was threatened. BTW... who the hell wants a relationship with someone who has to be issued an ultimatum... ugh!

 

 

Having said that... "forbidden love" didn't give an ultimatum. Far from it! She read a txt'd statement that caused an unmistakable, visceral reaction that couldn't be ignored, and rather than justify it, or explain it away, or discuss it for the next 2 hours, she made a move... a move she knew she had no choice but to make in being "true to herself". Maybe I just don't notice it, but hitting a specific moment, or hearing a specific statement, like this, and "knowing you've just witnessed the end in that moment" seems very rare on these boards.

 

 

I wholeheartedly applaud your ability to recognize that moment when it came, and being true to yourself! WELL DONE! Much respect for you!

[Nothisgirl]

I hope you really are done this time. Your story is one I have followed and I keep seeing you allowing him to continue to keep you as an option and not a priority. I hope you are done and ARE DOING EVERYTHING you can to ensure he doesn't contact you -- block him, delete him, etc. Most of all, do NOT reply to any communication from him. Yes, you are going to grieve but do not allow yourself to continue this way -- you are losing valuable time out of your life that you won't get back. You deserve to have a full life without being the hidden, secret lover. Of course he wants more time to stall...he has a good thing going -- wife and mistress. Stop letting him control your life and stop giving him chance after chance. If he was going to leave, he would have. Don't waste another day of your life on this jerk. Break free once and for all.

 

Ty for following along...you're totally right. I have wavered, back and forth, up and down, but I won't again. I can't. I know I deserve so much more and I will sit on my damn hands if I have to to stop myself from responding/engaging

 

I think if you're serious, you need to block his number and address on your phone and email, if you haven't already. Maybe even consider changing your number.

 

It's pretty certain he'll try to worm his way in again.

 

Which leads me to this...I have said I would block before but I've never actually don't it, I mean I have but I've blocked our texting app not Text or email so he's always found the loophole...I know he will be back too. He's already texting tonight. So far I haven't felt compelled to respond but the minute I do feel like I want to I will erase contact information and block.

 

Your statement is true... ultimatums typical don't work, because they're more about frustration and manipulation on the part of the person giving the ultimatum. Often times it's more about attempting to solicit a desired reaction, more than having any intention of following through on what was threatened. BTW... who the hell wants a relationship with someone who has to be issued an ultimatum... ugh!

 

 

Having said that... "forbidden love" didn't give an ultimatum. Far from it! She read a txt'd statement that caused an unmistakable, visceral reaction that couldn't be ignored, and rather than justify it, or explain it away, or discuss it for the next 2 hours, she made a move... a move she knew she had no choice but to make in being "true to herself". Maybe I just don't notice it, but hitting a specific moment, or hearing a specific statement, like this, and "knowing you've just witnessed the end in that moment" seems very rare on these boards.

 

 

I wholeheartedly applaud your ability to recognize that moment when it came, and being true to yourself! WELL DONE! Much respect for you!

 

 

Ty, I think I sound stronger than I feel...I am very sad but I know it's what had to be done and his statement, in that moment when I was already right there, pushed the scale and solidified my decision. Thinking about it now that is very typical of me. When I am done I am D O N E. It takes a lot to get me there but I can think of ore than one situation where that proverbial straw has broke and I've made whatever decision I've been weighing.

 

Ty again for the support

[FoolishOW]

Ty, I think I sound stronger than I feel...I am very sad but I know it's what had to be done and his statement, in that moment when I was already right there, pushed the scale and solidified my decision. Thinking about it now that is very typical of me. When I am done I am D O N E. It takes a lot to get me there but I can think of ore than one situation where that proverbial straw has broke and I've made whatever decision I've been weighing.

 

Ty again for the support

 

 

I have no doubt you're sad, but with time, that will pass, and I wish you only the best. I easily relate to the bolded statement, and think it says very good things about your ability to recognize your own line in the sand when you see it. I do wish more people were able to drop the hammer in favor of their own self worth. Again... Much respect!

[tornado]

Well done, Nothisgirl. Keep strong.

 

I think I am ready to break and go NC for a second time. I don't have anymore anger at my MM, he apologized for how he has treated me, and he has said he loves me. Communication is a bit difficult with him, he doesn't like to talk about his feelings. So, I don't wish to tell his wife anymore. I just feel like I deserve more and this affair has no future. And I don't feel anymore like helping a cheater, it is not a right thing to do! So, I still feel attracted to him, but I need to let go. Otherwise, each time I talk to him, I will feel sad.

 

The one month of NC has helped me a lot: I'm less addicted like drug to him. I know I can do one more month and so on.

Edited April 18, 2014 by tornado

[sunburned]

I have interrupted spring break with my family and friends just to wish you well, b*tch!! Hope you are serious this time. It all sounds a bit familiar. To his credit, he has been honest about not having a timeline, an exit strategy or even a conscience. I am glad you finally believed this asshat. After what u went through in your M, you really don't need this. And please let's just get excuse #1 out of the way now. NC is up to you and only you. No whining that he won't honor it. The great thing about NC is that it works as long as one of you (You!) sticks to it. Good luck, 'lil sista. Hang tough. It will get harder before it gets easier.

[forbidden_love]

I have interrupted spring break with my family and friends just to wish you well, b*tch!! Hope you are serious this time. It all sounds a bit familiar. To his credit, he has been honest about not having a timeline, an exit strategy or even a conscience. I am glad you finally believed this asshat. After what u went through in your M, you really don't need this. And please let's just get excuse #1 out of the way now. NC is up to you and only you. No whining that he won't honor it. The great thing about NC is that it works as long as one of you (You!) sticks to it. Good luck, 'lil sista. Hang tough. It will get harder before it gets easier.

 

 

Nice post

[inappfriendly]

Nothisgirl, I applaud and have the utmost respect for you!Everyone has said it but it deserves repeating... YOU DESERVE MORE!

I heard the same thing. He can't deliver, my A$$. He sure managed to keep up relationships with two women at the same time while raising a family. He sounds like a perfectly capable person. He WON'T deliver is more like it. And again, you deserve more than his lack of action.

Stay strong because the next few days/weeks/months will be rough. I am upset for you that he continues to text you. The lack of respect is appauling.

You are amazing!!! Hugs and we are all here for you!

[Nothisgirl]

Well done, Nothisgirl. Keep strong.

 

I think I am ready to break and go NC for a second time. I don't have anymore anger at my MM, he apologized for how he has treated me, and he has said he loves me. Communication is a bit difficult with him, he doesn't like to talk about his feelings. So, I don't wish to tell his wife anymore. I just feel like I deserve more and this affair has no future. And I don't feel anymore like helping a cheater, it is not a right thing to do! So, I still feel attracted to him, but I need to let go. Otherwise, each time I talk to him, I will feel sad.

 

The one month of NC has helped me a lot: I'm less addicted like drug to him. I know I can do one more month and so on.

 

"It's not the right thing to do"

 

I SO relate to that tornado...the guilt and shame of this whole mess is what led me to LC in the first place...stay strong ((hugs))

 

I have interrupted spring break with my family and friends just to wish you well, b*tch!! Hope you are serious this time. It all sounds a bit familiar. To his credit, he has been honest about not having a timeline, an exit strategy or even a conscience. I am glad you finally believed this asshat. After what u went through in your M, you really don't need this. And please let's just get excuse #1 out of the way now. NC is up to you and only you. No whining that he won't honor it. The great thing about NC is that it works as long as one of you (You!) sticks to it. Good luck, 'lil sista. Hang tough. It will get harder before it gets easier.

 

I actually LOL'd at this!! Ty sunburned...I haven't seen you around but was hoping you'd be back, I really appreciate your honest and blunt responses, truly.

 

And your spot on. He HAS shown me who he is and how he will behave, and it's up to me to believe it. And I do.

 

 

 

Nothisgirl, I applaud and have the utmost respect for you!Everyone has said it but it deserves repeating... YOU DESERVE MORE!

I heard the same thing. He can't deliver, my A$$. He sure managed to keep up relationships with two women at the same time while raising a family. He sounds like a perfectly capable person. He WON'T deliver is more like it. And again, you deserve more than his lack of action.

Stay strong because the next few days/weeks/months will be rough. I am upset for you that he continues to text you. The lack of respect is appauling.

You are amazing!!! Hugs and we are all here for you!

 

See bolded...I've said the exact thing to him. It has nothing to do with "can't" it's "won't" and the WHY doesn't matter. What matters is that it's not enough. And when I think about how he would have strung us both along for an eternity because I was allowing it and his W doesn't know, it really pisses me off. What an incredibly selfish thing to do. Spineless, conflict avoidance *********

[jellybean89]

How are you doing today?

 

Did you respond to him?

[Nothisgirl]

How are you doing today?

 

Did you respond to him?

 

I responded to re iterate that he needs to leave me alone. That's all.

 

He has sent a ton of messages proclaiming his feelings and that I took him saying "I'm sorry I can't deliver" out of context...which actually made me laugh because I'm pretty sure that only means one thing..no?! anyways, I really don't care if I DID take it put of context, it's a lots of WORDS and zero ACTION.

 

I just keep thinking about all of the things I hated about being in an A (maybe I'll start another thread) and those things push me through when I'm feeling weak.

 

So, so far so good. I think I'm in the angry stage.. I really don't feel overly sad yet. Is that normal????

 

Ty for checking in on me

[Dark Holy]

Not to be presumptuous but I've noticed you speak an awful lot about what you deserve. An honest line of inquiry here-- what is it you think you deserve? And why do you think you deserve it?

[Nothisgirl]

Not to be presumptuous but I've noticed you speak an awful lot about what you deserve. An honest line of inquiry here-- what is it you think you deserve? And why do you think you deserve it?

 

 

I am a little perplexed by this question as I thought that was made pretty clear and IMHO every single person deserves these things?! anyways....in the spirit of being transparent ill answer...

 

I deserve to be in a relationship:

-where I'm not having to share my partner with someone else

-where I don't have to be a hidden secret

-where I can talk freely and openly about my partner with my family and friends

-where my relationship can progress normally

 

 

Honestly I can go on and on about what I think are regular expectations that everyone should have...so, maybe you can clarify why you asked or what exactly you want to know?? As I said your question seems a little strange and almost leading...