Do I tell her? [update]

[starryeyedsurprise]

I need advice….please help.

 

I haven’t posted in a few months. You can read my threads if you wish. Long story short though….I have been in a “relation****” with this man for over a year. When we first started dating, he told me about his “ex” and how they were still living under the same roof, sharing the bills until the lease ran out. He made it clear to me that they were done and she knew it. Not true at all, in fact, they have been playing the on and off game as well. I kept breaking it off with him, but I allowed him back each and every time. I take blame for this, I should have just walked away in the beginning. I did not go into it knowing I was the other woman, I found out after months and finding cold hard facts.

 

He came back into my life in January again, with promises of change, saying how happy he is that we are getting closer. We have been spending more time together and talking constantly. Going to visit his family, having dinners at my home with my son, etc. Realizing now that it was all future faking once again. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear, without any action behind it.

So the last few days he has been distant again, so I checked the ex’s facebook and there it was. He was out to dinner with her, and the caption read that she posted “ out with the love of my life”. I guess they are on again.

 

This has been going on for over a year. My question is do I contact her and tell her about me? I know I would want to know if my guy was with another woman. Funny thing is that I know of all the women in his life, but none of them know about me. It’s almost like I am a dirty little secret

 

Should I tell her?

 

Oh, I found out 6 months into our relation**** that they were engaged. They no longer live together, but they still have something going on. So he has been playing with us both. I am done with him, I have to this time. He has come back and begged more times that I can count. I deserve better than being triangulated, or even being someone’s option. I don’t even think I love him anymore. How could I after all the lies and cheating

[Cocochai]

I need advice….please help.

 

I haven’t posted in a few months. You can read my threads if you wish. Long story short though….I have been in a “relation****” with this man for over a year. When we first started dating, he told me about his “ex” and how they were still living under the same roof, sharing the bills until the lease ran out. He made it clear to me that they were done and she knew it. Not true at all, in fact, they have been playing the on and off game as well. I kept breaking it off with him, but I allowed him back each and every time. I take blame for this, I should have just walked away in the beginning. I did not go into it knowing I was the other woman, I found out after months and finding cold hard facts.

 

He came back into my life in January again, with promises of change, saying how happy he is that we are getting closer. We have been spending more time together and talking constantly. Going to visit his family, having dinners at my home with my son, etc. Realizing now that it was all future faking once again. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear, without any action behind it.

So the last few days he has been distant again, so I checked the ex’s facebook and there it was. He was out to dinner with her, and the caption read that she posted “ out with the love of my life”. I guess they are on again.

 

This has been going on for over a year. My question is do I contact her and tell her about me? I know I would want to know if my guy was with another woman. Funny thing is that I know of all the women in his life, but none of them know about me. It’s almost like I am a dirty little secret

 

Should I tell her?

 

Oh, I found out 6 months into our relation**** that they were engaged. They no longer live together, but they still have something going on. So he has been playing with us both. I am done with him, I have to this time. He has come back and begged more times that I can count. I deserve better than being triangulated, or even being someone’s option. I don’t even think I love him anymore. How could I after all the lies and cheating

 

Now usually I tell folks to not tell but the fact that he's bouncing between you two and their engaged.... I'd tell her. And block thus guy from your life.

 

He's playing with people's emotions and in the process ur being used w/ also your family being involved. If she's on FB you tell her that way but it's totally up to you... But yes I would tell.

[Sub]

I would say she deserves to know, but there's always "what she doesn't know won't hurt her", "you'd only be causing her unnecessary pain", or...what's the other one.....oh, "ignorance is bliss".

[starryeyedsurprise]

I am nervous though about what she would do. I am close to 40, she is in her mid-20's and has a huge circle of friends. I almost feel like she will come after me.

[Sub]

I am nervous though about what she would do. I am close to 40, she is in her mid-20's and has a huge circle of friends. I almost feel like she will come after me.

 

I think if you get ahead of it and tell her exactly how it went down, that he's been misleading you about their relationship, it's more likely that won't be an issue.

[darkmoon]

choose your battles with care

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Why not go into it asking for her help? Say, he's telling me xy&z but yet it seems like something is going on between the two of you? Tell her you are confused and wanted to get the facts straight before you confront him.

[starryeyedsurprise]

I am so torn. I have wanted to tell her for months now.

 

Another crazy thing, I rented out my condo to his best friend and him 2 months ago. So he has been "living" in my old home. I made a verbal agreement with my tennant and my "ex" that she was not allowed there because I do not want any drama. Low and behold she has been there. She is also in my old home.

 

this is so sick and twisted.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Help, what do I do! Walk away and never look back? or let the other innocent girl know what he has been doing to her for over a year? I can't concentrate on anything but this today. It makes me so angry to think he can get away with it, but I want to do the right thing. What is the right thing!!???

[cozycottagelg]

Tell her you were having a relationship with him. Then say that he told you that he was single. You didn't find out the extent of their relationship until much later. You are sorry and you are only telling her because you'd want to know yourself.

 

I guarantee that if she wants to work it out with him, she will at the VERY least not want him in YOUR home.

 

Get rid of this loser.

 

And as for her and her friends coming after you...what do you mean? You're in your 40's..you don't need that drama.

 

He will have to choose...good luck.

[Sub]

Make sure you have some proof when you do it.

[starryeyedsurprise]

I have proof...I have text messages, I have photos that he sent to me from the beginning of our relationship, from their home. I have been inside their home when she was gone, and after being there I immediately felt disgusted and broke up with him. I did not know how involved they were and seeing their home last year was sobering.

 

I have emails from last year that I sent to him, but he never replied to them. He would immediately call me.

 

Phone records, tons of phone calls he made to me.

 

That should be enough.

[QuakerOats]

Why do you want to tell her? If it is so she'll dump him and you can have him all to yourself...I think you are going in a bad direction. If its an "all is fair in love and war move"...fine. Tell her, if she doesn't know, she should. I do hope you can put this dude in your rearview mirror though.

[preraph]

NO, you don't contact her. He's shown you every way possible that what he is is a chronic cheater! He just wants as many women to have sex with as he can juggle! He has no business being married, because he's a cheating jerk. You have to stop being such a sucker and letting him use you! Words are cheap. His actions show clearly he has no intention of leaving her for you -- and if he did, anyone with any self-respect wouldn't want him because he'll just keep cheating and cheating and cheating!

[starryeyedsurprise]

No, I am not going to tell her. I am happy I came here to vent instead.

 

I am walking away from this whole mess. If I tell her I would start an all out war and it's not worth it anymore.

 

Thank you all for your repies.

[todreaminblue]

I think that you need to do something this is a suggestion an dwhat i did recently

 

 

 

firstly would be too to break it off...... dump him

 

 

you have given that chance he needed to change..he didnt take it ....we do not need to be god like with cheats and give endless unconditional forgiveness with remorse...there is no remorse if they dont want to change....

 

then send her a message saying that you have been with him intimately and that you have just ended it,as you know what is up, tell her you took it as a perfect opportunity to end it..... tell her you wont contact her again and that you wish her well and good luck .......it is not her fault.......but you need to let her know he is unfaithful to protect her and give her the knowledge to make choices....this is what i did one week ago...i asked her to lose my phone number over a facebook message and said what i wrote above to her.......she has seen the message.......she now knows that one i am no fool or some psycho ex he has probably lied about he would have continued to lie to her once she asked him abotu the message..... and my decision was to dump him ....her choice is her own...i will not contact her again and i will not take him back ....even though he has told a family member of mine since that they are just friends and he would never cheat on me....it was there in black and white for me..... simples......it is in black and white for you too....hugs......be good to you...best wishes...deb

[Lady2163]

I need advice….please help.

 

I haven’t posted in a few months. You can read my threads if you wish. Long story short though….I have been in a “relation****” with this man for over a year. When we first started dating, he told me about his “ex” and how they were still living under the same roof, sharing the bills until the lease ran out. He made it clear to me that they were done and she knew it. Not true at all, in fact, they have been playing the on and off game as well. I kept breaking it off with him, but I allowed him back each and every time. I take blame for this, I should have just walked away in the beginning. I did not go into it knowing I was the other woman, I found out after months and finding cold hard facts.

 

He came back into my life in January again, with promises of change, saying how happy he is that we are getting closer. We have been spending more time together and talking constantly. Going to visit his family, having dinners at my home with my son, etc. Realizing now that it was all future faking once again. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear, without any action behind it.

So the last few days he has been distant again, so I checked the ex’s facebook and there it was. He was out to dinner with her, and the caption read that she posted “ out with the love of my life”. I guess they are on again.

 

This has been going on for over a year. My question is do I contact her and tell her about me? I know I would want to know if my guy was with another woman. Funny thing is that I know of all the women in his life, but none of them know about me. It’s almost like I am a dirty little secret

 

Should I tell her?

 

Oh, I found out 6 months into our relation**** that they were engaged. They no longer live together, but they still have something going on. So he has been playing with us both. I am done with him, I have to this time. He has come back and begged more times that I can count. I deserve better than being triangulated, or even being someone’s option. I don’t even think I love him anymore. How could I after all the lies and cheating

 

Okay, up until the point you made in another post about his best friend and he renting a property of yours, I was all for telling. Usually I am against telling, but this would have prevented her for marrying this guy and really having a life of heartache.

 

And then you mentioned your condo and the renters and such and self preservation kicked in. The power of the almighty dollar. Unless you are independently wealthy, if they are living in your condo and you are living someplace else, you probably don't want to mess with income. Plus, they could do a lot of damage to the property and it is a whole lot easier said than done taking someone to court to get repairs and damage paid for.

[jellybean89]

I have proof...I have text messages, I have photos that he sent to me from the beginning of our relationship, from their home. I have been inside their home when she was gone, and after being there I immediately felt disgusted and broke up with him. I did not know how involved they were and seeing their home last year was sobering.

 

I have emails from last year that I sent to him, but he never replied to them. He would immediately call me.

 

Phone records, tons of phone calls he made to me.

 

That should be enough.

 

So you are saying you weren't 'sure' he was with her so you continued seeing him? Or you knew he was with her, but he said they were on/off all the time and you continued seeing him? More than likely, she has no idea they were on/off again. She probably assumed he was honorable and monogamous. But you knew as of last year that they were together and you continued to see him and have him involved with your son That makes me sorry for your son

 

So are you really done with him or are you going to let him back in again? You said you are 40-- and she is in her 20's -- how old is he? Come on starry -- you know the deal. He is playing games and you have been an active participant in the game. You've broken up with him numerous times already. Are you truly done now or are you going to continue to ride the rollercoaster?

[starryeyedsurprise]

He had me convinced from the beginning that there was no relationship between them. I believed him. Until I did some searching and research on my own and found out about it. Every time I would find something, he would somehow convince me that it wasn't true and they have been over. however, according to her, they are still on. So I believe her. This last time he came into my life I was so certain they were finally done, enough time has passed and everyone said the same. Low and behold they are not done and it kicked me in the stomach once again.

 

In either case, I don't deserve this. I am not a choice or an option for anyone. I invested my whole heart, mind, body and soul into this man with nothing in return.

 

I allowed his best friend to sign a lease, now I have to pay the consequences with them living there. I allowed him to come back into my life again, so I have to pay those consequences as well.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Update and more confused than ever. I am expecting tough love from you all. Over the weekend, he and I were on the phone and texting about “us”. I asked him if he wanted a relationship with me and he said eventually. I told him on Saturday that I was going let him go, sort out his life, and if he comes back to me it’s meant to be.

 

That all changed last night. We met out and had a conversation face to face. I hate the phone and texting about this. The first thing I said was that our relationship stopped being fun and turned into fights about us. I said that he still has unfinished business with the ex. She is still pining for him, she still wants him. So lucky him that he has 2 women who want to be with him. So I asked him point blank if he wants to be with me and he said he doesn’t want to be with anyone until he fixes his life. That he does want to be with me when he gets on track. In the meantime, he still sees the ex, but not on an alone basis.

 

She has a 3 year old who calls him daddy, he is not the real father but came into her life when she was 1. So the only time he sees his ex is when the daughter is around. He mentioned he hasn’t been intimate with anyone let alone time to take care of himself, that’s how busy he is. He spent the night last night, and we were intimate, which is only the second time in 6 months…..and this is why I am more confused.

 

We can’t stay away from each other, I can’t, and he can’t. I gave him the whole speech last night, and afterwards he asked me if I wanted to hang out more., and we did. We headed back to my house, watched a movie and acted like everything was ok. I am so confused. He knows exactly how I feed about him, I told him to let me go to which he said he would never do that. I even suggested for him to take time and really heal from his breakup since he never did and they still talk.

 

Unfortunately, they will be in each other’s lives for a while, until she wises up and realizes keeping and using her daughter to keep him is only going to do more damage for everyone involved. In my heart I know I want him, but my head is in so much pain. I love him to pieces, and he loves me as well. A part of me wants to just walk away for now, but the other part just wants him. I was threatening to tell the “ex” last week about our relationship, but I vented on here and it’s none of my business, if she is smart, she already has a feeling and knows.

 

Here is the other part, I tell myself to walk away and it will only last a few minutes or hours before I cave in. I am in therapy for this as well.

Edited April 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merged threads and added paragraphs

[Tullyseptember]

I would walk away after I was told that eventually he may want a relationship. There is too much potential for you to be used for his emotional and physical needs and then him walk away. You said the right statement about letting him sort his life and coming back to you if it's meant to be. He is telling you that he won't be with you, you are a stopping point for a short time. Turn this around and stick to your original statement. There is no confusion you say one thing but do another. He isn't taking what you say seriously and he knows that he can ignore what you say to him. Ignore him and don't accept this treatment. A partner should cherish you not use you:(

[starryeyedsurprise]

I will repeat what I told you in this thread:

 

 

 

However, it seems that you find it difficult to be able to let go of something which obviously makes you very distressed.

you fail to see his foolishness.....

He has absolutely no connection, obligation or blood-tie to the little girl, yet apparently, that's why he still sees the other woman...?

 

I'm not sure, were I in your shoes, that I would actually believe this is the whole of it.

 

You have two options:

 

Carry on as you are and be treated as a second-best, because clearly, he doesn't want to be made to choose, and stick to it, or quit ever seeing him until you absolutely know definitely, for sure, that the other woman is completely out of the picture, little girl or no little girl.

 

This is just so sad..

I am personally disappointed for you that you are allowing yourself to be treated, in this way.

 

you come looking for advice, but it seems difficult for you to take into account any advice you find difficult to entertain...

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Edited on advice.*)

 

Thanks Tara, I alwasy appreciate your tough love....but here is the deal - he blames me because every time we are doing good and heading on track, I always freak out and tell him to go. I have been doing this since the day we met. I will text him or call him and say I am done. This is my pattern, so of course he never takes it seriously. The difference between the ex and I is the child. If the child was not in the picture, they would have no communication. I mean, they met, moved in, got engaged, and 8 months into their relationship I came along. She will continue to be in his life, and he told me that she always will because of this child. This is his right and his decision and he doesn't care if nobody understands because he has a bond with this child. I would never take that away or question that, it's his right to feel that way. We've discussed that since day 1. I understand why his ex feels the way she does, I see why she holds on and keeps trying.

 

The real father has 4 other children with 3 of her friends, her best friends from high school. The kids are all the same age, 2 - 3 years old. Talk about a Jerry Springer show. The ex and the real father are 25 years old, I am 38 and the guy I am seeing is 33.

 

So bottom line, I have never given this relationship a fair chance if you know what I mean. Instead of going day to day, accepting what he is and what is in front of me, I freak out. I have some heavy thinking to do.

[starryeyedsurprise]

I would walk away after I was told that eventually he may want a relationship. There is too much potential for you to be used for his emotional and physical needs and then him walk away. You said the right statement about letting him sort his life and coming back to you if it's meant to be. He is telling you that he won't be with you, you are a stopping point for a short time. Turn this around and stick to your original statement. There is no confusion you say one thing but do another. He isn't taking what you say seriously and he knows that he can ignore what you say to him. Ignore him and don't accept this treatment. A partner should cherish you not use you:(

 

Thanks Tully, I fully understand what you mean. I am terrible with cutting him off only to take him right back.

 

and I knew about "eventually" since we met. He is a mess. A Hott Mess, told me so on our first date. Didn't go to high school, dad an alcholic, mom a heroin addict, abondoned when he was 8 years old and raised by his grandparents, grew up on the streets, etc. A few months ago, he was basically homeless, jobless, carless, moneyless, etc. So he says eventually because he is being selfish and trying to fix his life. He said he is tired of not being able to take care of himself, he is in his 30's and starting over again and that this time he has a real chance to change him.

 

right or wrong I don't know which way or what to do

[starryeyedsurprise]

Actually, it was a lot 'tougher' until a Moderator stepped in. I'm not sure you'd be thanking me if the post was still as i pitched it before then! It WAS pretty harsh!

 

 

 

The way I see it, from what you say here, is that frankly, there is a dysfunctional co-dependency.

 

You can see what issues he has, with regard to his own personal history and reasons for his involvement with this woman - but your behaviour is erratic, indecisive and let's be honest - unfair.

 

Perhaps you could consider therapy to get to the bottom of this push-pull tendency you have?

because it's not helping him, and it sure as heck isn't doing anything good for you either....

 

Yes, Tara, OMG thank you.....this is exactly why I am in therapy. I don't know how to get rid of this push-pull dynamic. For crying out loud I did it with my ex, the father of my child for 7 YEARS!!!! I have this issue with trying to push the guy away, only to see how badly he will chase me. It's a sick and twisted way I have handled relationships and I must learn how to stop. He has told me that I ruin it every time, that everytime we fight it's because I push him away and tell him to kick rocks. I don't blame him....if I were more consistant, if my actions matched my words than who knows.

 

I had therapy on Friday, and we have been making huge progress. I don't know how to have a normal relationship, it seems I seek and look for drama for my own satisfaction. This is because my father was a narcisstic cheating ********* who made our lives miserable. My brother got the brunt of his rage. Our whole family was messed up.

 

I guess the only thing I can do now is take it day by day, control my mind and emotions....because if this behavior is not with him, it will be with someone else. I haven't given it a fair shot at all. I jump through conclusions and create fantasies in my head.

[starryeyedsurprise]

Ok, well, i'm going to be harsh again, and hope that at the end of the day, I'm still here!

 

You're in therapy for the way you act in relationships, right?

This push-pull tendency you have is destructive and unproductive, right?

 

Then you tell me/us:

 

 

 

You lay the reason for your behaviour at your father's feet.

 

That's wrong.

Really, it is.

Shall I tell you why?

 

Because we can blame nobody else, or hold anyone else responsible, for OUR decisions and actions.

your father may have been the golden all-winning utter swine he was - but that doesn't mean you have to, or even can - justify using his behaviour, for your mistakes.

 

your father was your father, the complete package.

But you are not he, and you cannot lay what you do now, at his feet as he was then.

 

That was past. This is present.

Own your actions. Be entirely, 100% responsible for your dysfunction.

Sure, there is influence, there has to be.

 

But this is on you.

 

It's not that I blaming my father, however it's that I learned this behavior, and I am trying my best to stop and re-train my brain. It's what I thought was normal at that time, having that kind of childhood. I didn't know better and therapy opened my eyes. So in essence, yes my behavior is my fault because of they way I grew up. My mom chased my dad for 20 years, and call it crazy, this was normal in my house. So I am repeating the pattern you see.

 

Now that I know the root of my problem, I have to replant it and try again. I can't afford to keep making the same mistakes again and again.

 

This is a huge reason why I keep giving him a chance....it's because I never fully gave him the oppurtunity to do what he needs to do and my impulse is on overdrive. I want that instant gratifcation now now now.....and guess what, he knows this. He knows me better than some of my closest friends and family.

 

Was it right to get involved with someone who was involved with someone else? Who knows the answer to that because I have managed to self-sabotage the relationship since day 1.