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Hi everyone, I have been lurking on this site on and off for about 3 years now, now after my affair has finally ended I have decided to get some advice.

 

Back story I am 33 married for 8 years and have 3 small children my affair partner is 52 has 2 children both teenagers and has been married for 35 years. We met through our parents and hit it off from there, I always knew who he was and was always attracted to him, long story short we started a long 3 year affair very emotional and extremely sexual. It's over now he can't do it he can't lie anymore the guilt is crushing him, he hasn't had an affair before and I do believe this as I know them both and their families. He is going to work on his marriage and family.

 

I can't cope I'm devastated I know it's my fault I lacked boundaries I went after him and knew I would fall, I have and that's my fault, I can't concentrate on anything, I'm in such agony that I'm retching every half hour, I'm ashamed of myself for getting into this, I feel little guilt towards my husband which makes me even angrier at myself, I love my kids so much and this is the reason why I never left my husband. They should hate me they are better without me how can they love their mother who is an emotional wreck and can't stop thinking about this man ? I can't cope if there was a bridge nearby I would jump, I'm nothing, I'm letting my emotions take control and I can't stop them from destroying me

 

Stupid stupid stupid I always knew this would happen but I allowed myself to do it. I hate him I hate her I hate my husband I hate myself even more but I love my kids and they are keeping me sane until they go to bed then I fall apart.

 

We have stopped talking now for 3 weeks I've lost so much weight I was slim anyway but now I'm just awful. I don't understand why I done this I'm very attractive, he is a good looking guy that's why I was attracted to him in the first place.

 

This all seems a mess I know and I don't even know why I am here.

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itsadoublelife

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain. Suicide is not the answer! Just think of your children and family...the pain of what they will go through without you.

 

I'm in a very similar situation, except my XOM went NC for reasons unknown to me. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks and yesterday felt like day one...every day is still a struggle for one reason or another.

 

I wish I could give you advice on how to get through this...the pain is overwhelming I know. Is there anyone that knows of your A that you can talk to? Just keep reading and maybe something will click for you.

 

I feel your pain...

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eye of the storm

you need to get help now. You need to call your doctor or a suicide hotline.

 

Nobody on this site is qualified to help you if you are in that much distress.

 

Know that this is all temporary. You will recover from this pain. Your children need a mother not a grave site to visit.

 

Get help now, meds and therapy are wonderful. They will help you get better and heal.

 

Just keep telling yourself you have more to live for. Tell yourself that you will survive this.

 

Get help now.

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Thank you

 

I just have to suck it up I suppose as it is my own fault for ignoring my own marital issues. Doesn't make it easier just harder knowing what I have done and what I have become. A liar, a cheat, a manipulator, selfish, self centred awful woman.

 

No I don't have anyone I can talk to as we live in a rather small community and it would most likely get back to his spouse one way or the other and I'm ashamed to tell anyone how much I love this man and what I have done.

 

In fine when I am with my kids during the daytime hours we have fun I love for them I take them everywhere and spoil them rotten, it's the small hours when I'm pretending I'm ok to everyone and everything is normal and I'm pretending to be happy, when I'm alone I'm tormenting myself I hate myself I hate feeling this and just want my head to stop, I have hardly slept nor ate it's only adrenaline that's keeping me going. I just need time out from myself

Edited by LaurenM81
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eye of the storm

Lauren, your health and safety are more important right now. If you think you might hurt yourself. get help.

 

If you are just needing a place to vent. Go right ahead. We are here, we will listen.

 

Don't worry about the throwing up, I did it for 2 weeks every 2 hours, you could set your watch by it. (my son did weird but it helped him feel control) after the 2nd ER visit I was diagnosed with stress. It was towards the end of my marriage and things were really bad.

 

Look, you are upset. At him at yourself at your husband. But this is all temporary. Remember when you had your first crush? When that fell thru you felt the end of the world had happened. You got over it. You will get over this.

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eye of the storm

btw, there was a time when if I didn't have Prozac...well...Im glad I had Prozac. My kids are glad I had Prozac.

 

Go get help. Sometimes you cannot suck it up. Sometimes you need help.

 

There is nothing to be ashamed of.

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Have you thought about going to indivual counseling? Sometimes we just can't handle our own emotions and battles ourselves.

 

Put your focus and energy in what your XMM has told you he wants to do. Is it possible to find what's missing in your own M/family and concentrate on yourself.

 

 

Trust me it's always hard when it ends but you can get through this.

Edited by Cocochai
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No I couldn't fund a councillor without my husband being suspicious, joint bank account and business account. I also do not have time to do so either as I am a full time mom and have my kids all day.

 

I thought it would get easier but it's not it's getting worse I want to talk to him but I won't, I want him to text me but there is nothing to say, he wants to "fix" his marriage and work on his family. He says he loves me but the reality is we can't be together he never told me otherwise and I knew this. I do not know why I continued for 3 years knowing this, I accepted it and was happy with our arrangement, he wasn't having sex at home neither was I, yes many people won't believe this but I do even if he was it still doesn't change what happened between us. We met each other 5 times a week and spoke on phone every day for 3 years, facetimed every morning, we texted all day/night as well, now it's gone.

 

Everytime I think of him and his wife I vomit, everytime I see them which is often I just want to run and not stop running, then vomit.

 

 

I suppose this is why they call it an addiction I'm just the junkie trying to stay clean and going through withdrawal.

Edited by LaurenM81
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Hi everyone, I have been lurking on this site on and off for about 3 years now, now after my affair has finally ended I have decided to get some advice.

 

Back story I am 33 married for 8 years and have 3 small children my affair partner is 52 has 2 children both teenagers and has been married for 35 years. We met through our parents and hit it off from there, I always knew who he was and was always attracted to him, long story short we started a long 3 year affair very emotional and extremely sexual. It's over now he can't do it he can't lie anymore the guilt is crushing him, he hasn't had an affair before and I do believe this as I know them both and their families. He is going to work on his marriage and family.

 

I can't cope I'm devastated I know it's my fault I lacked boundaries I went after him and knew I would fall, I have and that's my fault, I can't concentrate on anything, I'm in such agony that I'm retching every half hour, I'm ashamed of myself for getting into this, I feel little guilt towards my husband which makes me even angrier at myself, I love my kids so much and this is the reason why I never left my husband. They should hate me they are better without me how can they love their mother who is an emotional wreck and can't stop thinking about this man ? I can't cope if there was a bridge nearby I would jump, I'm nothing, I'm letting my emotions take control and I can't stop them from destroying me

 

Stupid stupid stupid I always knew this would happen but I allowed myself to do it. I hate him I hate her I hate my husband I hate myself even more but I love my kids and they are keeping me sane until they go to bed then I fall apart.

 

We have stopped talking now for 3 weeks I've lost so much weight I was slim anyway but now I'm just awful. I don't understand why I done this I'm very attractive, he is a good looking guy that's why I was attracted to him in the first place.

 

This all seems a mess I know and I don't even know why I am here.

 

My mother committed suicide and I am damaged forever in ways that cannot be fixed because of it. To this day part of me still blames myself for not being enough for her to want to live for. I cannot even describe the pain derived from this.

 

Please don't do this to your children.

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eye of the storm

Lauren, you have many reasons why you cant get help. You don't have to tell your H you've been banging some other guy. You just tell him you are having trouble with depression and need to go talk to someone. Tell him you just feel you brain chemistry is off.

 

What ever you have to tell him, admit to the affair if you have to but if you are contemplating suicide you must get help.

 

Look, I am an OW. I was a BS. So I have been on both sides of this fence. Many of the feelings you have are just like an addicts. Admit you have a problem, get help, and then get on with your life.

 

You gambled at playing a very dangerous game. You lost. He choose her. Now all that is in the past. What are you going to do now. are you going to throw your life and sanity away on someone that left you? Are you going to ruin your children's life by pining away for someone that left you? Or are you going to get up, get some help, learn from your mistakes, grow, and get on with your life. It is all a choice. You choose.

 

Fix your marriage or not, another choice.

 

Stop fixating on what was. Look in the mirror and see what is.

 

We get so stuck on what we had that we forget what we have. We get so fixated on what we want that we ignore what we can have.

 

You may think nobody knows what you are going thru but they do. My kids can tell you exactly what I was going thru. They suffered right along with me. They pretended to not notice, I pretended they couldn't see or hear. But we all went thru it. And unless your H is completely clueless he knows. He may be trying to give you space or he may not care but he knows something is up.

 

Get help. Make some choices. Stop being passive and take an action, right or wrong take an action. You will be surprised how empowering it will be.

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I won't it's just emotions right now they are taking control of my self hatred I couldn't do that to them they don't deserve that, none of this is their fault it is mines to own and mines only. Sometimes the emotions just run wild and crazy mind fantasies take over. I will not do it I feel better already after writing this it's all been crazy and bottled up in my mind just writing this post has released some excess stress.

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eye of the storm

Im not trying to be mean or hurtful, Im worried you are going to do something stupid.

 

Look at KaliLove's post. This is nothing to joke about. It is nothing to play with. It will affect their lives for the rest of their lives.

 

I did stupid things, but I survived them. My kids and I are stronger for having survived. We are more compassionate for people in pain because we know how horrible it is. But we know you can survive it if you CHOOSE to.

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You are not a bad person! This doesn't define you. I am married and had an affair with a married man, and I REFUSE to believe that this condemns me to being nothing more than a liar and a cheat. I have a long long way to go to dig myself out of the mess I've made, but I'll get there and SO WILL YOU.

 

But you can't do it alone. Do you have a friend you can talk to? If there is any part of you that feels like you really may harm yourself, you need to get help now. There are a million reasons why it might be hard to do so, but you need to take care of yourself. See your doctor, or see a doctor in another town, if you're worried about being too close to home. Call a suicide hotline if you are feeling like you may act on this.

 

Being in an affair is incredibly isolating, and having to pretend that you're a happy mother and wife when inside your heart is breaking is darn near impossible. Trust me, I've been trying for months. You need support, Lauren. Please please please find someone to talk to, and please consider seeing someone. Start with your doctor, and consider getting some medication. I'm on anti-depressants now, and I'm willing to bet that I'm not alone on this board with that. They haven't cured anything, but they have gotten me to a point where I am gaining weight back (I lost a lot as well), am sleeping again, and am crying much much less. It's not better, but it will be. PLEASE get help.

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eye of the storm

Lauren, then pull up a chair, loosen up your fingers and vent away.

 

Don't hate yourself. you screwed up. Join the club. We have martinis ever Monday, toddies on Tuesday, Walbangers on Wednesday, I think you get the drift.

 

The past is done. Nothing you can do about it but cringe and learn. Why did you do what you did. What should you have done. What can you do now that is different.

 

If your marriage is bad, 2 choices, work on fixing it or work on exiting it. Easy. If your marriage is good, IC to figure out why you felt the need to cheat. then MC to fix your marriage.

 

Once you stop allowing yourself to just float and start making decisions and then taking actions, you will feel better. I promise. Controlling your own life is so much better than having others control it.

 

Make a choice and take an action.

 

DISCLAIMER: Im not a doctor but I did stay at a holiday inn last year...

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Thank you, I will call doctors today and make an appointment to get some depressant pills. I just feel like I'm fighting myself everyday just to put a smile on my face. This is not me I have always been a happy care-free live for moment person I have never felt this distress before nor these feelings and emotions. After our third child I stopped having intercourse with my husband he revolted me and I was resentful that I gave up my life dreams so he could persue his. I was down struggling with the kids but my love for them never altered it was hard and I looked outside my marriage and my affair partner made life bearable for me as I was struggling with 3 kids. Now there's no happiness it's back to being how it was before, I can't leave my marriage I won't do that to my children or my husband and it is financially impossible. That is being selfish again I know.

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GorillaTheater
Thank you, I will call doctors today and make an appointment to get some depressant pills.

 

Just a word on this: they help, but it takes a couple of weeks typically to kick in, and they really should be used hand-in-hand with counseling. I think that's especially true in your case, because you have a lot to work through.

 

You don't have to tell your husband why exactly you want to see a counsellor, telling him you're feeling very messed up will suffice for a time.

 

At some point, you need to tell him, but that conversation can be worried about later. Get back on an even keel first.

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eye of the storm

There are all kinds of antidepressants. If one doesn't work for you tell your doc that you want to try another. Don't just go off them. It took me 4 kinds before they put me on Prozac. Which, for me, worked the best. I was on it for 2 years and then they weaned me off over a period of 6 months.

 

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself gently. But do not lie to yourself.

 

Staying married when you are miserable is worse for the kids than having two happy healthy divorced parents. I have a feeling your husband would prefer a divorce than to be married to someone he revolts. And yes you can get a divorce. It is financially possible. It is called going back to work.

 

Anti depressants are just a bandaid unless you change what is wrong. They will help you deal with your issues, by assisting you. But if you do not change things and make them better. Learn new thought process develop new habits or change what is causing the depression they will just prolong your misery.

 

Look, if you are determined to stay in a horrible marriage, and play the martyr. Be honest with your doc tell him to mega dose you because you are not interested in getting healthy you are just interested in getting thru the day.

 

Again, it is all about choices.

 

For you, I hope you chose to get healthy and happy. You deserve it and so does your children.

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Thank you, I will call doctors today and make an appointment to get some depressant pills. I just feel like I'm fighting myself everyday just to put a smile on my face. This is not me I have always been a happy care-free live for moment person I have never felt this distress before nor these feelings and emotions. After our third child I stopped having intercourse with my husband he revolted me and I was resentful that I gave up my life dreams so he could persue his. I was down struggling with the kids but my love for them never altered it was hard and I looked outside my marriage and my affair partner made life bearable for me as I was struggling with 3 kids. Now there's no happiness it's back to being how it was before, I can't leave my marriage I won't do that to my children or my husband and it is financially impossible. That is being selfish again I know.

 

Yes, please call. And I do agree with the other posters -- they're not going to fix anything in isolation. It's worth it to find a counselor as well. And you don't need to tell your husband why you're going. I haven't told my H about the affair yet, but he does know I'm in counseling; he obviously recognizes that I've been unhappy, even if he doesn't know all of the reasons why.

 

I have a lot of work in front of me; the meds are slowly helping me get to a place where I am functional again and able to do that. You have a lot of work and decisions as well -- eventually. But for now, just take care of yourself and try to feel even a little bit like yourself again. Don't try to handle everything at once and all alone. It's too much.

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eye of the storm

Waverly, it doesn't happen over night. It took awhile to get to where you are, it will take awhile to get to where you are going. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time and then poof one day you will look back and be amazed at how far you have come.

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Hello Lauren:

 

The threat of sucide should not be taken lightly and I urge you to contact a suicide prevention line at 800-273-8255. I don't know your location but please contact your hospital, primary care dr asap. Have you thought this through with any plan in mind? I am glad that you have found LS as a tool to reach out, please promise to contiune to post here as a means of getting the support you need.

 

I am not sure if LS offers assistance to it's members in situations such as this. I only have credentials in my state.

 

I would see my Dr. to determine which or if any medications are needed.

Edited by uneek74
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Many thanks again to everyone who has replied, I am truly sorry for this but it was just a weak moment earlier on, I won't let this affair define or ruin me any longer, posting on here has really helped already. I need to get a grip stop wallowing in self pity and depression, he's only a man right ? He done the right thing going back to his marriage I just wish I didn't get involved I knew the outcome and knew the consequences but still dived in there because he made me feel happy when I was going through a bad time coping with be at home mom with 3 little ones. I was vulnerable and so was he and now I have no way of escape from this nightmare my head is just spinning and spinning and replaying the last 3 years.

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Lauren, happy to see that you are gaining insight on your situation! It won't be easy, but I feel that you will be ok! Please continue to post, I think it will help tremedously!

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eye of the storm

uneek74, I have a lot of empathy. I feel bad for her. I want her to get help. But you can't get better if you lie to yourself. And you cant get better if you don't make any changes.

 

She cant just take meds not make any changes and expect to get better. It won't work. It would be cruel to tell her it will.

 

Im not bashing on her for her choices or her actions. Im reminding her she has the power to make things better for herself. Sometimes we get in these types of situation and think there is nothing we can do. We are stuck, trapped, helpless. We aren't, we have the ability to change things, we have the ability to chose.

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You gambled at playing a very dangerous game. You lost. He choose her. Now all that is in the past. What are you going to do now. are you going to throw your life and sanity away on someone that left you? Are you going to ruin your children's life by pining away for someone that left you?

 

(And banging some guy)

 

 

Eye: These I felt were a little too strong: You don't want to chastize someone who may be at their lowest.

 

All is well, no harm no foul

Edited by uneek74
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