Anyone still planning to be with AP after DD?

[theperfectlife]

It's been a month since Dday. Our plan (we are both married), was to leave spouses this spring after lengthy discussions and planning. Now since both spouses know, we have had NC for 3 weeks. 1 week after DDay was one quick phone conversation. I had to know he was ok. He told me he is going thru the motions, he KNOWS we have to be together. He is in counseling, trying everything she wants. Anyone out there in a similar situation? We said time apart would make it even clearer. The first week was absolute torture, walking around like a zombie. I am trying to be productive, constructive in my family, spending time with H. But if I feel the same in another month, I may feel the right thing to do is tell H the truth about my feelings (or lack of) toward him. I have read sooo many posts about OW, OM. MM never leaves family, wants cake and eat it too, etc. From what my gut is telling me, my MM is one of the exceptions.

[gettingstronger]

You are both very cruel. If you have had a dday and plan to be together, set your spouses loose. Sounds like you are waiting on him to pull the trigger

and he the same about you which tells me neither of you fully trusts the other and are both looking for a soft landing. Why would both continue to give your spouses false hope?

[Speakingofwhich]

It's been a month since Dday. Our plan (we are both married), was to leave spouses this spring after lengthy discussions and planning. Now since both spouses know, we have had NC for 3 weeks. 1 week after DDay was one quick phone conversation. I had to know he was ok. He told me he is going thru the motions, he KNOWS we have to be together. He is in counseling, trying everything she wants. Anyone out there in a similar situation? We said time apart would make it even clearer. The first week was absolute torture, walking around like a zombie. I am trying to be productive, constructive in my family, spending time with H. But if I feel the same in another month, I may feel the right thing to do is tell H the truth about my feelings (or lack of) toward him. I have read sooo many posts about OW, OM. MM never leaves family, wants cake and eat it too, etc. From what my gut is telling me, my MM is one of the exceptions.

 

My situation has similar components as yours does, but some differences, too.

 

We are in an EA, not PA, but were in a PA many years ago. We decided to do things differently this time around and not do the PA thing.

 

I'm single. He's in IC. And we had a D day two weeks ago. He gave me the option to go NC and I chose not to.

 

He plans on leaving his M. And has made it clear to me that he's not going to be leaving for me but rather for himself. It's a relief for me to be sure that I won't be a factor in their marriage breaking up.

Edited April 17, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[theperfectlife]

I'm not trying to be cruel. I truly want to make the right decision, and not so quickly. We said time apart would clear our heads, make sure we are doing the right thing...

[Snipercatt]

. But if I feel the same in another month, I may feel the right thing to do is tell H the truth about my feelings (or lack of) toward him. I

 

You were going to do this anyway, nothing that has happened changes that. Tell your H and move on.

[whichwayisup]

Why don't you just divorce your husband since you don't love him and are planning a life with MM. Even if MM doesn't leave his wife, you should let your H go now. It's totally cruel to him to lead him on for a month or two, just to wait to see how things go with your MM and his wife. Wouldn't you rather be on your own, respectfully end things with your husband now? Or are you planning on staying married if your MM doesn't leave his wife?

 

All this sounds good on paper, the plan you and your MM have but it takes courage, real honesty and desire to actually do it. Reading your post, makes me feel like it's all future talk and what if's..not really reality like it could actually happen. Maybe I'm wrong, but either way, whatever happens I hope everybody finds peace eventually with how it goes down or doesn't go down.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not trying to be cruel. I truly want to make the right decision, and not so quickly. We said time apart would clear our heads, make sure we are doing the right thing...

 

It's obvious you do not love your husband enough to want to stay married to him, so regardless of what your MM does or doesn't do, leave and divorce your H. It's so cruel to string him along. Be alone, set him free to grieve and heal.

[2sunny]

It's obvious you do not love your husband enough to want to stay married to him, so regardless of what your MM does or doesn't do, leave and divorce your H. It's so cruel to string him along. Be alone, set him free to grieve and heal.

 

I agree.

 

Since you aren't using this time to get reconnected with your H - then at least stop leading him down the path of further deception. Pining for your OMM will never allow you to grow love with the man you're with. How sad for your H!

 

And your OMM has told you he WILLING to do ANYTHING his wife suggests and requires! THAT is NOT a MM that plans to leave his M - that is a MM who is attempting to save his M.

 

IF he planned to really leave her - he wouldn't be so willing to bend to her every whim - he would be blowing her requests off to make sure he could get out of the M while the door has been opened.

 

Do you really want to still be his plan B? His actions are showing you everything he's never going to tell you...he's not leaving her unless SHE kicks him out.

[goodyblue]

I kind of think that if he was going to leave, he would. I don't understand why he is going through the motions if he plans to end things. Is there something he is waiting for? Not judging, just trying to figure it out?

 

I do think it is good that if he leaves, it will not be to be with you. If you two decide to be together after that is okay, but he has to leave for himself. Then you two should date. That is what we did and it's been really good for us. We actually sort of started over. We didn't live together right away, and dated, getting to know one another as single people in a normal relationships because believe me, affairs are NOT normal.

 

Things will change when he leaves. It won't be easy. But if you truly love one another, it could be worth it. It was for us. Hang in there.

[Speakingofwhich]

I kind of think that if he was going to leave, he would. I don't understand why he is going through the motions if he plans to end things. Is there something he is waiting for? Not judging, just trying to figure it out?

 

I do think it is good that if he leaves, it will not be to be with you. If you two decide to be together after that is okay, but he has to leave for himself. Then you two should date. That is what we did and it's been really good for us. We actually sort of started over. We didn't live together right away, and dated, getting to know one another as single people in a normal relationships because believe me, affairs are NOT normal.

 

Things will change when he leaves. It won't be easy. But if you truly love one another, it could be worth it. It was for us. Hang in there.

 

Goody, is this post for OP? I think it is, but then, she didn't say her MOM wasn't leaving for her. Didn't want to ignore it if it was (or part of it was) for me.

[goodyblue]

Goody, is this post for OP? I think it is, but then, she didn't say her MOM wasn't leaving for her. Didn't want to ignore it if it was (or part of it was) for me.

 

Speak...

 

Yes it was for OP, or really, anyone who reads. OP says that they are planning to leave their spouses and they feel they should be together. So... I was just saying, they need to normalize the relationship as soon as possible. If this fits your sitch, do it too. It makes things 'normal'. I don't believe in affair fog, but I know that things are different when you are in an A as opposed to being in a regular single on single relationship. Trust me, the single on single is better, but you need to give each other time to acclimate. Lol

 

And Speak? Yours is the best thing. That he is leaving for himself. You don't want him holding anything against you later. I talk about this with my guy once in a while, that even without me in the middle, he'd have left. He says yes. But I think that I gave him the courage to do so.

 

Sorry for the confusion.

[woinlove]

I kind of think that if he was going to leave, he would. I don't understand why he is going through the motions if he plans to end things. Is there something he is waiting for? Not judging, just trying to figure it out?

 

I also don't understand why he is going through the motions. You have said he works 2 jobs, does all the cooking, managing things, doesn't get sex, is yelled at constantly while his wife contributes almost nothing. On top of that he's had a d-day, so his wife already knows of the affair.

 

Many don't leave and some who do, will only leave if they know the AP is there for them. Neither of you sound very determined to leave without knowing the other one will do the same. If you knew for certain you would never be with MM again, would you leave your M? If the answer is no or not sure, then you have a lot of work to do because you are living in limbo, causing your family to live in limbo too as they are aware of your uncertainty, and you are not even sure what for. I think your daughter is right that you are waiting on MM and that means you have a long road to travel yet before you are ready to live a happy life. Meanwhile it affects not only you, but your family.

[goodyblue]

I also don't understand why he is going through the motions. You have said he works 2 jobs, does all the cooking, managing things, doesn't get sex, is yelled at constantly while his wife contributes almost nothing. On top of that he's had a d-day, so his wife already knows of the affair.

 

Many don't leave and some who do, will only leave if they know the AP is there for them. Neither of you sound very determined to leave without knowing the other one will do the same. If you knew for certain you would never be with MM again, would you leave your M? If the answer is no or not sure, then you have a lot of work to do because you are living in limbo, causing your family to live in limbo too as they are aware of your uncertainty, and you are not even sure what for. I think your daughter is right that you are waiting on MM and that means you have a long road to travel yet before you are ready to live a happy life. Meanwhile it affects not only you, but your family.

 

I can't disagree with this.

[FoolishOW]

My situation has similar components as yours does, but some differences, too.

 

We are in an EA, not PA, but were in a PA many years ago. We decided to do things differently this time around and not do the PA thing.

 

I'm single. He's in IC. And we had a D day two weeks ago. He gave me the option to go NC and I chose not to.

 

He plans on leaving his M. And has made it clear to me that he's not going to be leaving for me but rather for himself. It's a relief for me to be sure that I won't be a factor in their marriage breaking up.

 

 

Just thinking it's probably really difficult for him to know, with any amount of certainty at this point, that his plans to leave his marriage DON'T have anything to do with you, or at the very least, aren't shaded by his involvement with you. How can he make such a clear distinction when the two scenarios are really inextricably linked?

 

 

To say that it's a relief for you to be sure that you aren't a factor (or reason) in his wishes to end his marriage sounds a little like an oversimplified way to convince or absolve yourself from the role you have in this. I'm not just saying this to try to make you feel bad, it just seems confusing how you are able to genuinely feel relief that your involvement with him ISN'T one of the major catalysts at play here. Have I understood you correctly?

[cozycottagelg]

If your plan is to eventually end up with OM, why are you both false R right now? I feel like D-day is the perfect opportunity to end things and move on. You can stay away from the OM for the clarity you are looking for, without stringing your husband along.

[2sunny]

Since your still focused on what your MM will or won't do - divorce your H.

 

Your plan was to divorce - so divorce!

 

Whether or not the MM stays or goes is beside the point. You don't REALLY want your H. So let him be free to experience real love.

 

I think that's what your D has a problem with - that you've held your H hostage knowing you don't intend to love him.

 

You can do the right thing NOW... Just divorce.

 

 

I don't see evidence that your MM is planning to be with you - quite the contrary.

[Mickey1982]

If your plan is to eventually end up with OM, why are you both false R right now? I feel like D-day is the perfect opportunity to end things and move on. You can stay away from the OM for the clarity you are looking for, without stringing your husband along.

 

 

D-Day is Discovery, Decision and Divorce Day.

 

He made his Decision to stay.

 

You make the Decision to Divorce.

[2sunny]

You are STILL betraying your H.

 

That really is cruel.

[SugarHibiscus]

As gently as possible...

 

Why is he going through the motions with his W if he is checked out of the marriage? Why aren't you two getting out of your marriages immediately? The A has been revealed. The damage is done. I don't understand the use in trying everything she wants. Either leave or stay. He must be trying to R with her.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[cozycottagelg]

I actually get the concept..they don't want to be the "bad guys"...they are waiting for their spouses to say "I can't forgive you, I'm done!" then they can say they tried.

 

Nobody wants to be the bad guy, but the problem is, everyone already knows they are because they cheated. Unfortunately it now doesn't matter what the BS's did, because their spouses cheated. It's all null and void now. It's time to move on. It isn't fair for the BS's to think their spouses are trying to fix the marriage when they clearly are not.

[A.Moscote]

Both of you have taken the right step by initiating NC. Keep it that way, it will gives you time to calmly and clearly plan for the future. It (NC) also serves as a kind of respect for your respective spouses.

 

It's good that you know your AP really wants to be with you. He is working on it now, so give him the time needed and be patience, though I wonder how his way of trying everything his wife wants would make it easier. However that is on his own part, maybe he has few tricks up his sleeve.

 

At the same time you should start to act toward your dream life together too. Of course you don't have to copy your AP's style. Make your own plan of how to get out of the marriage, a more honest and truthful one. Gather your courage and convey thoroughly, and politely, to your husband that you don't really feel for him anymore and can't commit to the R and ultimately the M.

 

We know you can't love your husband but please show more compassion and empathy. Imagine how it will be at the time you left him later once your AP has become available. He would realize that the R is a lie, a deception. You would be creating a resentful, bitter, and broken man. How are you going to be co-parenting then? It will be difficult. That's why it is paramount that you start now. Gently and slowly make him realizes and accepts that this is the ending.

 

At this moment, the chance for you to honestly and righteously start a new life and end the current one is still wide open. Don't let situation become worse and traps you.

 

Be strong and acts now, it will give confidence to your AP too. Good Luck.

[Speakingofwhich]

Just thinking it's probably really difficult for him to know, with any amount of certainty at this point, that his plans to leave his marriage DON'T have anything to do with you, or at the very least, aren't shaded by his involvement with you. How can he make such a clear distinction when the two scenarios are really inextricably linked?

 

 

To say that it's a relief for you to be sure that you aren't a factor (or reason) in his wishes to end his marriage sounds a little like an oversimplified way to convince or absolve yourself from the role you have in this. I'm not just saying this to try to make you feel bad, it just seems confusing how you are able to genuinely feel relief that your involvement with him ISN'T one of the major catalysts at play here. Have I understood you correctly?

 

I agree with you, FOW. Yes, you have understood me correctly. Have put a lot of thought into the issues you've raised and wondered about it myself.

 

Recently, two things he's said to me which both began something like this, "I don't want to hurt your feelings but......." "Don't want to cause you any pain but...." basically telling me his first preference for his life hands down would be to be able to make his marriage right (in other words, he'd rather things be right with her than to be with anyone else), but it's not possible.

 

He was in IC for a year before we reconnected (we were totally out of touch and he believed I was with someone else) and had already decided to move on. From what I can see he's working pretty methodically through IC (now two years in). But, of course, I'm not in the sessions, just from what he tells me. There is a lot he's doing in IC that's unrelated to his M, but then, I do know that everything in one's life is connected.

 

Thanks so much for your viewpoint and comments. I appreciate your response!

 

(Feeling a little thread jacky here! Didn't mean to!)

[FoolishOW]

I agree with you, FOW. Yes, you have understood me correctly. Have put a lot of thought into the issues you've raised and wondered about it myself.

 

Recently, two things he's said to me which both began something like this, "I don't want to hurt your feelings but......." "Don't want to cause you any pain but...." basically telling me his first preference for his life hands down would be to be able to make his marriage right (in other words, he'd rather things be right with her than to be with anyone else), but it's not possible.

 

He was in IC for a year before we reconnected (we were totally out of touch and he believed I was with someone else) and had already decided to move on. From what I can see he's working pretty methodically through IC (now two years in). But, of course, I'm not in the sessions, just from what he tells me. There is a lot he's doing in IC that's unrelated to his M, but then, I do know that everything in one's life is connected.

 

Thanks so much for your viewpoint and comments. I appreciate your response!

 

(Feeling a little thread jacky here! Didn't mean to!)

 

 

Got it, S.O.W. I clearly didn't have a very accurate idea of your situation. Sorry to have made assumptions, and thanks for your kind response.

[jellybean89]

I'm single. He's in IC. And we had a D day two weeks ago. He gave me the option to go NC and I chose not to.

 

He plans on leaving his M. And has made it clear to me that he's not going to be leaving for me but rather for himself. It's a relief for me to be sure that I won't be a factor in their marriage breaking up.

 

Of course he is leaving for you! Plans on leaving? When? When the wife kicks him out? How do you figure you aren't a factor in their marriage breaking up? Do you really believe that? Why hasn't he left if he is miserable? Please don't say the kids...

 

I'm not trying to be cruel. I truly want to make the right decision, and not so quickly. We said time apart would clear our heads, make sure we are doing the right thing...

 

Your actions are cruel. Have you told your H you are in an affair/have been in an affair? You want to make the right decision for you - but what about HIS right to make an informed decision? Why do you get to be the only one in your marriage who has all the facts? So if the MM you are having an affair with decides to stay married, will you do the same? Are you in ANY contact with the MM? If so, then you aren't really taking "time apart" unless you are meaning not having sex right now. I guess I don't understand your quoted comment. You made the decision to cheat on your husband. You've made the decision to continue an affair. You've made a decision to pretend to focus on your H while the MM pretends to go to marriage counseling. So really, what decision do you need time to think about??

[Speakingofwhich]

Of course he is leaving for you! Plans on leaving? When? When the wife kicks him out? How do you figure you aren't a factor in their marriage breaking up? Do you really believe that? Why hasn't he left if he is miserable? Please don't say the kids...

 

Thanks for your thoughtful questions, jellybean! I appreciate your consideration.

 

I don't believe he's leaving for me at this point based on the many conversations we have had about what he tells me he's processing in IC each week. I did at one time believe that if he left it would be leaving for me, though.

 

The wife won't kick him out. I believe this because they have both tolerated discovery of secret Rs with others in their M over the years.

 

I think that if he does leave it will be when he is at the place in his therapy where it's the result of a natural progression of having dealt with many different issues and resolved them.

 

Sorry to disappoint you by saying the reason he hasn't left is because of the kids as that has been a big factor in his staying there. He now tells me that staying for the kids has been a huge mistake.