i hate this.....

[nais]

Sh**!!

 

 

I don't want to be angry but, I have been burning for way too long. Its MY fault, its HIS fault, and I'm just going to say it... its HER fault. The blame falls in the order of my revealing, do I have a right to be upset? That's for a jury of similar peers to decide...

 

 

I am living this day in and day out- I've gotten counseling, sought yoga to help me cope with my conflicts of the issue- they say go cold turkey NC. Maybe it would have been easier when we tried it within the first 5 years (and we did) but cmon... what do you do when it is much more substantial than that?

 

 

I have nothing- just my feelings -hate it!

 

 

The only smiley that is even close to tears is the one where its laughter and tears- well im going to use it right now with a title-

 

 

Tears of an effn clown

[BetrayedH]

Sorry, I don't know your full story. Are you upset with the betrayed wife? That doesn't really compute to me. Did she do something to you? Maybe I'm missing something.

[nais]

Sorry, I don't know your full story. Are you upset with the betrayed wife? That doesn't really compute to me. Did she do something to you? Maybe I'm missing something.

 

 

 

Haven't shared my full story- I am the OW

I am acknowledging today- that I hate the situation. I accepted it- lived with it- and cannot be happy with it.

[LadyLee]

Well Nais,

that is the first step. I'm interested in your story. It's really hard once you have a lot of time invested. At the same time the situation sucks because deep down, if he wanted to be with you, he as a man, would do something about it.

I often wonder how they can do it? Love two women? Or are they such cake eating pigs that they believe that they deserve the whole family unit happy home AND the other person on the side. Smh

 

Lee

[KaliLove]

Haven't shared my full story- I am the OW

I am acknowledging today- that I hate the situation. I accepted it- lived with it- and cannot be happy with it.

 

What did his wife do to you?

[BetrayedH]

Haven't shared my full story- I am the OW

I am acknowledging today- that I hate the situation. I accepted it- lived with it- and cannot be happy with it.

 

Yeah, that seems to happen. I get the impression that being with a MM can be very validating for an OW at first because they seem to be taking such a huge risk with their family, job, marriage, and kids (it makes you feel like you must really be something special to them) but after a few years, it ain't so validating anymore. They just look like a cowardly cake-eater that's not actually giving up anything for you. Many OW go 3-4 years before they've just plain had it. Some are shorter, some are longer. But it seems almost unavoidable that eventually, they're done. Even then the MM still does nothing.

 

Lots of destruction left in their wake. Too often, both women lose and the MM gets away with it because the OW has some sense of loyalty to the guy, even though he wasted years of her life (and the BW's, too).

 

I hope you get outta there. I don't know what you (or anyone) deserves but I know you can do better.

[Lady2163]

It's kind of tough to know what to say without knowing more details.

 

I also agree in some instances the betrayed spouse does share a portion of the blame, but usually those are in the more extreme examples of abuse and neglect. However, I do think bs can do things that will make a weak spouse more likely to look and stray. Real life happens and people forget feelings are everywhere.

[Cocochai]

Yeah, that seems to happen. I get the impression that being with a MM can be very validating for an OW at first because they seem to be taking such a huge risk with their family, job, marriage, and kids (it makes you feel like you must really be something special to them) but after a few years, it ain't so validating anymore. They just look like a cowardly cake-eater that's not actually giving up anything for you. Many OW go 3-4 years before they've just plain had it. Some are shorter, some are longer. But it seems almost unavoidable that eventually, they're done. Even then the MM still does nothing.

 

Lots of destruction left in their wake. Too often, both women lose and the MM gets away with it because the OW has some sense of loyalty to the guy, even though he wasted years of her life (and the BW's, too).

 

I hope you get outta there. I don't know what you (or anyone) deserves but I know you can do better.

 

Yep that's true... And at the end of the day... Whoever decides to call it quits.. The MM will still have their family and spouse until MM decides to start another A w/ a new partner.

 

OW will have to grief the loss with NC and moving on to find someone deserving.

 

The OW will find someone new... Just have to let go first before that can happen. A long process which sucks.

[SugarHibiscus]

I hate this too.

[Snipercatt]

Nais, I've been wanting to tell you that if your avatar is a photo of you, you are beautiful!

 

Listen, Nais, you made the decision to not engage with OM, and defer to MM, and now you are kicking yourself. That's appropriate because your inner boice is screaming at you that even if you decidedmnot to engage with OM, committing to MM who is committed to remaining M is a no-win for you.

 

It helps to observe a certain rule in life. The person that cares the least has the power. In other words, don't care more about another person's situation than they care about it. In fact, care a little less. Focus your attention and caring on YOUR situation and what you want to do about it. You've postd that MM isn't leaving, so believe that. That means that your R with MM will never be more.

 

Start to dostance yourself from caring more about your R with MM than he does. Secure your communications and personal information. You give him power when you permit him to have access. I bet you aren't permitted access to he and his W's private communications. Give him less access than he gives you. It isn't a game, but it makes you vulnerable to his manipulation when you allow him that kind of access.

 

Once you begin the ending of a R, which you have because you are mad at yourself and no longer comtent, the ending is now in play. No matter how many times you and MM address this issue, the ending is in play. It is up to you haw many times you replay the ending, but sooner, or later, it.is.over. You can make it painful and drag it out, but the ending has begun.

 

You are allowed to change your mind regarding OM. He'll be ther shortly and that is an opportunity that has a limited window.

 

You decide.

[chelsea2011]

I was thinking about something this weekend and this thread illustrates the sentiment of those thoughts perfectly. The thing is, this relationship is creating unecessary drama in your life. If you really think about it that is what it is. Why settle for a situation that has its good days only to be followed by some type of hurt over and over again? You know this yet you stay only to be walloped all over again. And, for what? Kibbles and bits? To be honest, the other person made choices that have nothing to do with you at all so why subject yourself to their "zingers" that have everything to do with their life and nothing what so ever to do with yours.

 

I dunno. All I know is you have choices. Take a look at them - your choices - and see which one puts you on a path that allows you to be free to be who you are without having to tolerate someone else's behavior that is solely based on "their" choices. You didn't make those choices for them - they did. So why allow yourself to suffer because of them?

Edited April 17, 2014 by chelsea2011

[nais]

What did his wife do to you?

 

 

Nothing- I suppose she is oblivious now- or she knows but watching it unfold, waiting for me to realize ... he doesn't love you enough

[nais]

Well Nais,

that is the first step. I'm interested in your story. It's really hard once you have a lot of time invested. At the same time the situation sucks because deep down, if he wanted to be with you, he as a man, would do something about it.

I often wonder how they can do it? Love two women? Or are they such cake eating pigs that they believe that they deserve the whole family unit happy home AND the other person on the side. Smh

 

Lee

 

 

 

Lee- i was asked tonight how i feel about them and how do i want them to feel about me. i said i loved him too much for the situation, and how i wanted him to feel about me was EVERYTHING

[nais]

Yeah, that seems to happen. I get the impression that being with a MM can be very validating for an OW at first because they seem to be taking such a huge risk with their family, job, marriage, and kids (it makes you feel like you must really be something special to them) but after a few years, it ain't so validating anymore. They just look like a cowardly cake-eater that's not actually giving up anything for you. Many OW go 3-4 years before they've just plain had it. Some are shorter, some are longer. But it seems almost unavoidable that eventually, they're done. Even then the MM still does nothing.

 

Lots of destruction left in their wake. Too often, both women lose and the MM gets away with it because the OW has some sense of loyalty to the guy, even though he wasted years of her life (and the BW's, too).

 

I hope you get outta there. I don't know what you (or anyone) deserves but I know you can do better.

 

 

 

He told me this yr he feels like a hypocrite- for leading me along or misleading his family i do not know. He was having a crisis and so was i- we broke up. He didn't stop calling- he did for about a night but the next day i could not do cold turkey. i hate myself for not respecting his desires to go- i had always said id be good and let it fall away if he asked. Remained cordial- he kept calling me baby and i confronted it. Asked if it was over why keep calling me things inappropriate for our situation... was i pulled back in? I never left, its what i wanted to hear but didn't because i felt he didn't mean it- how could you after deciding (took a full cpl days) that it was best to end it.

 

 

Wanted me to try to find someone for me, i could not be with him, could not be seen with him, so on so forth... i found this site during that time- it was a brief breakup, and after i wanted to keep up with other people and their situations to see how to move fwd.

 

 

The most ridiculous idea that has spawn from all this- even now... How in the EFF can i move on?

[Snipercatt]

Calling you baby is habitual. He probably calls his W, and perhaps other women he's been intimate with "baby". Don't read into it any more than that.

 

How do you move forward? You choose to, or not. Stay stuck, or move forward, you decide.

[nais]

Nais, I've been wanting to tell you that if your avatar is a photo of you, you are beautiful!

 

Listen, Nais, you made the decision to not engage with OM, and defer to MM, and now you are kicking yourself. That's appropriate because your inner boice is screaming at you that even if you decidedmnot to engage with OM, committing to MM who is committed to remaining M is a no-win for you.

 

It helps to observe a certain rule in life. The person that cares the least has the power. In other words, don't care more about another person's situation than they care about it. In fact, care a little less. Focus your attention and caring on YOUR situation and what you want to do about it. You've postd that MM isn't leaving, so believe that. That means that your R with MM will never be more.

 

Start to dostance yourself from caring more about your R with MM than he does. Secure your communications and personal information. You give him power when you permit him to have access. I bet you aren't permitted access to he and his W's private communications. Give him less access than he gives you. It isn't a game, but it makes you vulnerable to his manipulation when you allow him that kind of access.

 

Once you begin the ending of a R, which you have because you are mad at yourself and no longer comtent, the ending is now in play. No matter how many times you and MM address this issue, the ending is in play. It is up to you haw many times you replay the ending, but sooner, or later, it.is.over. You can make it painful and drag it out, but the ending has begun.

 

You are allowed to change your mind regarding OM. He'll be ther shortly and that is an opportunity that has a limited window.

 

You decide.

 

 

I offered my information- it was my willingness to be open. I chose the progression of this relationship in certain aspects... his progression has been to keep me his and his only.

Thank you- the photo is me.

The OM situation, we speak but i do not try to indulge more. He is no guarantee as well, i wanted to just have some sort of distraction to keep me from feeling too much. about 4 years ago he asked that i stop trying to date other men, then when i became more restless he allowed communication but of course no sex. I have been showing my discontent in different ways- tonight was one of those nights. He was eager to speak with me, had even spent some moments on Skype- but once he had to leave suddenly .... i said it up yonder^^^ i love him too much for the situation were in.

[Snipercatt]

No, it isn't that you love him too much. It really isn't. You don't respect yourself enough.

 

You've chosen to compromise significantly more than he has conceded to you. It makes you vulnerable and depletes your sense of self. Take your compromises back and offer him slightly less than he offers you.

[nais]

I was thinking about something this weekend and this thread illustrates the sentiment of those thoughts perfectly. The thing is, this relationship is creating unecessary drama in your life. If you really think about it that is what it is. Why settle for a situation that has its good days only to be followed by some type of hurt over and over again? You know this yet you stay only to be walloped all over again. And, for what? Kibbles and bits? To be honest, the other person made choices that have nothing to do with you at all so why subject yourself to their "zingers" that have everything to do with their life and nothing what so ever to do with yours.

 

I dunno. All I know is you have choices. Take a look at them - your choices - and see which one puts you on a path that allows you to be free to be who you are without having to tolerate someone else's behavior that is solely based on "their" choices. You didn't make those choices for them - they did. So why allow yourself to suffer because of them?

 

 

 

Told him years ago i would deal with my feelings- i cannot keep the disappointment at bay. He told me i was a giver- down side to that is we forget our needs for someone else's needs. i can be selfish- if i dislike you- i do not dislike him, not even in the slightest. Maybe he can manage to do something so utterly screwed i can walk. Suggested he tell her so she can ensure i would leave him alone-

i don't want to make him feel burdened with my lack of ability to move on right now-

im really effed-

[nais]

I hate this too.

 

 

how do you cope?

[Snipercatt]

If you truly didn't want him to feel burdened then you would stop anything that burdens him. In reality, you want things to be different than they obviously are, and so you burden him.

 

You're only effed if you choose to be.

[Snipercatt]

Have you ever observed a person's death throes? All rather dramatic, yet evidence of dying.

 

That's what you are enduring.

[nais]

Told him years ago i would deal with my feelings- i cannot keep the disappointment at bay. He told me i was a giver- down side to that is we forget our needs for someone else's needs. i can be selfish- if i dislike you- i do not dislike him, not even in the slightest. Maybe he can manage to do something so utterly screwed i can walk. Suggested he tell her so she can ensure i would leave him alone-

i don't want to make him feel burdened with my lack of ability to move on right now-

im really effed-

 

 

 

i do not really want him to tell her- was angry when i suggested it. a little more like if you want to leave then make sure you cant come back- it is too final. i worry about anything happening to him - i wont be able to accept it.

[nais]

Have you ever observed a person's death throes? All rather dramatic, yet evidence of dying.

 

That's what you are enduring.

 

 

 

 

i see people die more than average-

 

 

 

perhaps that's what unnerves me most. i may be transitioning but no where near the final moment... not at peace leaving, not at peace staying. You mentions i want him more than i have him... always have. If i had to put a theme song to this TWO comes to mind- If I cant have you and Lead me on.

[nais]

If you truly didn't want him to feel burdened then you would stop anything that burdens him. In reality, you want things to be different than they obviously are, and so you burden him.

 

You're only effed if you choose to be.

 

 

i broke quicker than wet TP in a tornado- been with him for Years- tried to distance several times... i may be moving across country. i stopped considering the option, but i began to reconsider.

[Snipercatt]

Maybe the more appropriate theme song is "Castles in the sky(your mind)".