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Devastated1969

Some of you knowing my story but I was with a MM who was separated and moved in with me after a couple of months, lived with me for 4 months before leaving overnight to return to his wife and family.. I am healing well since he left mid January and have been NC for a few weeks now. I will also add that I truly do not believe I would have coped with NC if it were not for LS, I'd never even heard of it before.

 

He was in contact on and off for first couple months wanting to continue a relationship with me whilst R with his wife. We both agreed in the end this was unhealthy for all so both moving on. What I've found hard is to find those who can relate to this ending... Some people find their affair fizzles out, some have a catastrophic dd that changes everything, some decide to end and try to deal with the end without a dd... When I try to read to help me on my recovery I can't find anything that relates... Is it like a dd? Maybe more like a couple who D and then R? Not sure.

 

His w knew about our relationship, we lived together after they separated, his family knew and I had a good relationship with his parents, he chose to go back... I think he does still love his wife and I wish them well on their recovery.

 

I feel I have accepted the situation and am much stronger (thanks to NC) but still wonder what the hell happened. I'm fighting hard to walk forward although I still miss his and whati thought we had every day. What made him go back? His life package i guess... How have they dealt with a reconciliation after him spending over 6 months with me, living with me, spending holidays together etc.. His w must be a saint to deal with that... Not sure why I'm posting, partly in case anyone can give me some added insight or help on my recovery and partly just needing to get this off my chest.

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More often than not, the history a couple has between them cannot be over ridden....even in a case like yours. I often felt that if xmw and I ended up together she would have gone back to her H.

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Some of you knowing my story but I was with a MM who was separated and moved in with me after a couple of months, lived with me for 4 months before leaving overnight to return to his wife and family.. I am healing well since he left mid January and have been NC for a few weeks now. I will also add that I truly do not believe I would have coped with NC if it were not for LS, I'd never even heard of it before.

 

He was in contact on and off for first couple months wanting to continue a relationship with me whilst R with his wife. We both agreed in the end this was unhealthy for all so both moving on. What I've found hard is to find those who can relate to this ending... Some people find their affair fizzles out, some have a catastrophic dd that changes everything, some decide to end and try to deal with the end without a dd... When I try to read to help me on my recovery I can't find anything that relates... Is it like a dd? Maybe more like a couple who D and then R? Not sure.

 

His w knew about our relationship, we lived together after they separated, his family knew and I had a good relationship with his parents, he chose to go back... I think he does still love his wife and I wish them well on their recovery.

 

I feel I have accepted the situation and am much stronger (thanks to NC) but still wonder what the hell happened. I'm fighting hard to walk forward although I still miss his and whati thought we had every day. What made him go back? His life package i guess... How have they dealt with a reconciliation after him spending over 6 months with me, living with me, spending holidays together etc.. His w must be a saint to deal with that... Not sure why I'm posting, partly in case anyone can give me some added insight or help on my recovery and partly just needing to get this off my chest.

 

 

Devastated, I have to agree with Rick on this one. My ex was married for 26 years! I cannot compete with the history that they created EVEN though he told me that he was never happier in his life than he was during teh three years he was with me. He wished his kids were ours, he wished I was wearing his wedding ring, etc etc etc.....and then he talked a few months before d-day of OUR life together and how someday it was his wish to make it happen.

 

But, when d-day happened and he faced actually leaving and possibly losing the kids (which I believe 100% was his reason), he couldn't do it. It became more important than me.

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whichwayisup
but still wonder what the hell happened. I'm fighting hard to walk forward although I still miss his and whati thought we had every day. What made him go back? His life package i guess... How have they dealt with a reconciliation after him spending over 6 months with me, living with me, spending holidays together etc.. His w must be a saint to deal with that... Not sure why I'm posting, partly in case anyone can give me some added insight or help on my recovery and partly just needing to get this off my chest.

 

You've come a long way.

 

His wife must love him, enough to give him another chance to earn her trust back. And, he must love her enough to want to go back and try to fix things.

 

As much as you two bonded and lived a life together for 6 months, he just wasn't able to let go of his past life and wife and rebuild with you. NONE of this is your fault, he shouldn't have gotten involved with you to begin with but chances are, back then he thought he was over his wife and thought he could make a go of it with you.

 

I wish you lots of peace and more healing, you're very strong and have dealt with this in a healthy way.

 

Keep busy, spend time with good friends and family, enjoy the nice weather (hopefully where you are Spring has sprung! It snowed where I am yesterday!) and just know as time goes on your pain will get less and less.

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Perhaps it was a classic wake up for him. While he was in the affair and so had both worlds he never felt happier about being with you. But that's because he never gave her up entirely either.

 

4-6 months after D some WS's suddenly find out that the other they thought was so perfect settle into being just a new clone of the old

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Im sure it was a shock to you and I am so sorry.

Your strong!

I wonder if the reality set in once you guys became a normal every day couple the day to day sets in, the honeymoon phase wears off, and the guilt set in that he left & broke a family.

It doesn't have to be because you weren't good enough, or life wasnt good with you etc.

Just that irs so different to dream about something than to actually live it.

 

And Rick is right, it just couldn't be over written.

Again, so sorry for all you went through & amazing to see how your healing after the devastation. Keep strong in NC. Best wishes!

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gettingstronger

Mickey, stop with the self torture. It doesn't matter why he did what he did. The fact is he did it and in a most unkind way. He's not worth the time you spend trying to analyze him. He could have been kinder, he could have given you some sense of closure , he did not. Take care of you.

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Devastated1969
Im sure it was a shock to you and I am so sorry.

Your strong!

I wonder if the reality set in once you guys became a normal every day couple the day to day sets in, the honeymoon phase wears off, and the guilt set in that he left & broke a family.

It doesn't have to be because you weren't good enough, or life wasnt good with you etc.

Just that irs so different to dream about something than to actually live it.

 

And Rick is right, it just couldn't be over written.

Again, so sorry for all you went through & amazing to see how your healing after the devastation. Keep strong in NC. Best wishes!

 

Thanks herself, it was a very sudden ending that I didn't expect at all. One day we were in an amazing, loving relationship, the next, over. He told me he was the happiest he'd ever felt in his life the day before he decided to leave. It was when his daughter told him she would never see him ever again if he was with me that sent him spiralling. Then I believe he had a conversation with his w about it and that must have led to the discussion about them reconciling. I think during this, they probably realised they still had feelings for each other and something worth trying to save.

 

One thing I have been thinking lately that has helped is that even if he turned up at my door with his bags, what would I do? Honestly, I would not want him back now. I loved who I thought he was but know now there were a lot of lies to both me and his w at the beginning of our relationship, that he would more than likely just flip flop along causing drama and destruction everywhere and I just don't trust his word anymore. It would never work now and I don't want his drama so that is that, move forward. Stay NC, Heal, heal and drink good wine.. Thanks my friends

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Devastated1969
You've come a long way.

 

His wife must love him, enough to give him another chance to earn her trust back. And, he must love her enough to want to go back and try to fix things.

 

As much as you two bonded and lived a life together for 6 months, he just wasn't able to let go of his past life and wife and rebuild with you. NONE of this is your fault, he shouldn't have gotten involved with you to begin with but chances are, back then he thought he was over his wife and thought he could make a go of it with you.

 

I wish you lots of peace and more healing, you're very strong and have dealt with this in a healthy way.

 

Keep busy, spend time with good friends and family, enjoy the nice weather (hopefully where you are Spring has sprung! It snowed where I am yesterday!) and just know as time goes on your pain will get less and less.

 

Thanks WWIU, I am doing ok and feel strong despite daily thoughts of him. I know it's over, he is with his w and family. My thoughts of him are just that, some happy, some sad. Despite wanting to know how he is feeling, I am not pining for him any more and don't want him back. I just want to get over this and stop the thoughts. I'm getting there though, it's a beautiful spring week here and I've had the week off work, spring cleaning my whole house to rid his memory from it, done loads of gardening.. Filled a skip with rubbish! Hanging baskets for me today and then meeting friends later for drinks. I would not be dealing with this so well without my LS friends and their advice and support. Thanks again.

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Devastated1969
More often than not, the history a couple has between them cannot be over ridden....even in a case like yours. I often felt that if xmw and I ended up together she would have gone back to her H.

 

Yes I agree 100%. Lesson learnt to never get involved with someone who is not well and truly divorced and over their ex!

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Summer Breeze

I wanted to touch on a couple of things OP.

 

He left her and came to you. He told you he was leaving you and went back to her. He didn't really make a break from you and wanted to carry things on with you while he was back with his W. He gave you a taste of what life was with him and then expected you to step into the A again? I think you're the lucky one to have dodged that bullet.

 

When I finally ended things with DMM it was after a vacation together and we were happier than we'd ever been. All of a sudden the A wasn't enough and I wanted more. He got the ultimatum and said no, and I ended the A. Our situations may not be 100% alike but I know how it feels for the R to end and not have a huge drama cause it.

 

It's tough and there isn't any easy way through it. Keep in mind what he suggested to you about keeping the A going. Find some real anger in that. Don't be angry with his D or his W for any reason. Having seen DMM struggling about his kids even now I completely understand how tough it is for someone to make decisions heavily weighed to the kids. His W probably has no idea he was ready to go back to her and originally wanted to do it with you in tow.

 

You don't seem the type who would ever have anger at either of them but sometimes anger springs up when you least expect it.

 

You are the important one now. You deserve all of your attention. Spend time with friends and family. Blog. Writing is a great release and with all of the blog sites I can't imagine anyone would identify what you're writing with the actual you. Walk, cycle, read. Cry. Cry, cry, cry and cry. Remember him both good and bad. Look 2 weeks into your future and figure our where you want to be. Then when you get there do it for a month. Then for 6 months. At each of those points look back at where you were and celebrate even the smallest of victories.

 

I'm not a believer in destroying remnants of people who have been in my life so I won't tell you to burn or destroy things. Put them somewhere less prominent though. One day you'll be ready to put them in a box and to the back of the closet. It will all come in its own time.

 

Someone told Mickey to stop going over things. Mickey I am one who analyzes things to death. At some point this will come to you in its own time too. At some point you will be tired of asking yourself and others these questions. Right now, however, it seems important for you to read and try to find your answers anywhere you can -- do what you need to do. When I overanalyze things I know I shouldn't but it's part of how I'm made so I do. I get it.

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Devastated1969
I wanted to touch on a couple of things OP.

 

He left her and came to you. He told you he was leaving you and went back to her. He didn't really make a break from you and wanted to carry things on with you while he was back with his W. He gave you a taste of what life was with him and then expected you to step into the A again? I think you're the lucky one to have dodged that bullet.

 

Yes I totally agree with this and feel much better inside knowing that I wasn't prepared to accept that situation. It would have just caused more pain for everyone

 

When I finally ended things with DMM it was after a vacation together and we were happier than we'd ever been. All of a sudden the A wasn't enough and I wanted more. He got the ultimatum and said no, and I ended the A. Our situations may not be 100% alike but I know how it feels for the R to end and not have a huge drama cause it.

 

I have had a lot of drama in the past and it's so destroying. I am cross with myself as I chose to ignore some of the red flags in the beginning. Was your MM divorced or still married? Sorry I get confused by the terms sometimes... My ending had no drama, just one day there, next gone. Took all his stuff and went just like that.

 

It's tough and there isn't any easy way through it. Keep in mind what he suggested to you about keeping the A going. Find some real anger in that. Don't be angry with his D or his W for any reason. Having seen DMM struggling about his kids even now I completely understand how tough it is for someone to make decisions heavily weighed to the kids. His W probably has no idea he was ready to go back to her and originally wanted to do it with you in tow.

 

You don't seem the type who would ever have anger at either of them but sometimes anger springs up when you least expect it.

 

Oh yes, I do have anger at times but only at him. I could never be angry with his children or wife, they did nothing to me. As a mum myself, I know your children mean the world and when you see them hurting, it's the worst feeling.

 

Sometimes when driving I shout about what a douchebag he is (and I'm not usually that polite!) lol :laugh:

 

You are the important one now. You deserve all of your attention. Spend time with friends and family. Blog. Writing is a great release and with all of the blog sites I can't imagine anyone would identify what you're writing with the actual you. Walk, cycle, read. Cry. Cry, cry, cry and cry. Remember him both good and bad. Look 2 weeks into your future and figure our where you want to be. Then when you get there do it for a month. Then for 6 months. At each of those points look back at where you were and celebrate even the smallest of victories.

 

Thanks, good advice. Thankfully the tears are far fewer now, maybe once a week instead of every day.

 

I'm not a believer in destroying remnants of people who have been in my life so I won't tell you to burn or destroy things. Put them somewhere less prominent though. One day you'll be ready to put them in a box and to the back of the closet. It will all come in its own time.

 

Someone told Mickey to stop going over things. Mickey I am one who analyzes things to death. At some point this will come to you in its own time too. At some point you will be tired of asking yourself and others these questions. Right now, however, it seems important for you to read and try to find your answers anywhere you can -- do what you need to do. When I overanalyze things I know I shouldn't but it's part of how I'm made so I do. I get it.

 

I too analyse things but try to focus on hard facts. It's the feelings that you can't make sense of so I try not to analyse these so much, its depressing as you never get the true answer and end up making up rubbish in your mind to reach the conclusion that suits you... then you go over and over it again and the conclusion changes every time.

 

Thanks for the thoughtful post Summer, my very best wishes to you.

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I too analyse things but try to focus on hard facts. It's the feelings that you can't make sense of so I try not to analyse these so much, its depressing as you never get the true answer and end up making up rubbish in your mind to reach the conclusion that suits you... then you go over and over it again and the conclusion changes every time.

 

Thanks for the thoughtful post Summer, my very best wishes to you.

 

 

Devastated, you are stronger than you realize or are giving yourself credit for. I can see just how very resiliant and powerful you have become in the few weeks I have been posting on LS. You are very much on the right path to healing and becoming a more beautiful person than you already are. I hope that I can find the strength that you have and move ahead focusing on a bright and wonderful future. You should pat yourself on the back and be VERY proud!

Hugs to you.

Mickey

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Devastated1969
Devastated, you are stronger than you realize or are giving yourself credit for. I can see just how very resiliant and powerful you have become in the few weeks I have been posting on LS. You are very much on the right path to healing and becoming a more beautiful person than you already are. I hope that I can find the strength that you have and move ahead focusing on a bright and wonderful future. You should pat yourself on the back and be VERY proud!

Hugs to you.

Mickey

 

Thanks Mickey, I know I have moved on heaps in the last couple of weeks.. When I look back to how I was in late Jan and February, I was so devastated and couldn't function at all. You were in your relationship for a great deal longer than me which probably explains why it is taking you a little longer to heal but believe me YOU WILL, even if he came back to you now it would NEVER be the same again and you are better off if he stays away so you can keep taking steps forward. Keep taking good care of yourself, get some more people around you that you can talk to and have a giggle with. Laughing again is great therapy and gives you faith you will be ok. Hugs (((((Mickey)))))

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Summer Breeze
I too analyse things but try to focus on hard facts. It's the feelings that you can't make sense of so I try not to analyse these so much, its depressing as you never get the true answer and end up making up rubbish in your mind to reach the conclusion that suits you... then you go over and over it again and the conclusion changes every time.

 

Thanks for the thoughtful post Summer, my very best wishes to you.

 

 

DMM was M when we were together. You sound like a lovely person and I hope you keep moving forward.

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Devastated, I am so impressed by you. Really. You've handled this with such grace and class and have such a healthy attitude. I know how hard this has been, but you've come such a long way already and are so strong.

 

I hope you are giving yourself the credit you deserve, and that you continue to share good times with friends and plenty of good wine. Cheers to you and your future!

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Devastated1969
Devastated, I am so impressed by you. Really. You've handled this with such grace and class and have such a healthy attitude. I know how hard this has been, but you've come such a long way already and are so strong.

 

I hope you are giving yourself the credit you deserve, and that you continue to share good times with friends and plenty of good wine. Cheers to you and your future!

 

Waverly, thank you so much. Please know that without the support and advice from you all on here, I KNOW I wouldn't be where I am. I have said before but I had never heard of NC before and think I would have ping ponged in his games for a long while without understanding the importance of it in MY healing. I have literally taken all the advice I have had on here, even some of the harder to read ones, in fact especially those, and really worked on taking the wisdom and knowledge from others who have been through any aspect of a triangle to help me face facts (even if I don't want to). What I dread is him somehow contacting me again, I pray he stays away, focuses on his M and leaves me to focus on my future without him. Cheers to you to hun, I will have a glass for all my LS pals later :-)

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