I wonder if I'm jaded

[hayleym]

If my husband behaved the way hers did I feel I would know he was having an affair, but my other mans wife seems clueless that could be the issue.

 

She knows something's up, has said a few times that he never puts effort into sex with her, while admitting she doesn't want it anyway. And she describes his mood swings and distance. It's like she's put the possibility of an affair way off the table. She blames anything he does in any excuse she can think of.

 

I guess I'm jaded because I'm untrusting. But I would suspect something big time if a man with as high a sex drive as this man stopped wanting sex.

 

Red flags are flying around all over the place but she refuses to see or is too trusting? Thing is I know she doesn't fully trust him since she knows he's cheated in the past but doesn't think he ever would again.

 

A real friend would tell her how wrong she is, which is how I clued in, I'm in this for him for real and not her. I do love her but it's obvious where my loyalties lie.

 

My husband may suspect mood swings but I've kept almost everything else as balanced as I can. I am sure every one thinks that though.

 

I just keep thinking, if some of the situations that happen to his wife were to happen to me I would know what was up. Just an observation.

 

Is this just because I know what he's capable of?

[gettingstronger]

Yes, it's because you know what he is capable of and never in her most awful dreams would she imagine what the both of you are doing to yourselves, your families and to her.

[hayleym]

She knows he has cheated when denied sex over a long period of time. She insists he does not need it, and doesn't question when he suddenly stops wanting it all together?

If that was my husband I would definitely be questioning things a lot further. I'm married and wasn't always in an affair. I don't think it's far off to assume some people are willfully blind.

[gettingstronger]

Maybe but she probably would have no idea it's someone that pretends to be her friend. Rather than judge her, perhaps take a look at you and your role in this. She may not be the only one that's willfully blind. I would worry more about me and less about her.

[hayleym]

Maybe but she probably would have no idea it's someone that pretends to be her friend. Rather than judge her, perhaps take a look at you and your role in this. She may not be the only one that's willfully blind. I would worry more about me and less about her.

 

I agree. If she was anyone else telling me the things she has, I'd shake her and say open your eyes.

In reality, I'd be much more diplomatic but I would tell her. No question. I have always tried to give her advice that is helpful but lately I know I've been helping to cover his ass. I don't want us to get caught but sometimes I think she wouldn't ever acknowledge it even if she did suspect.

[veritas lux mea]

You do reaze how cold and unfeeling you sound, right? Your situation is truly messed up. It is like your sister wives only she doesn't know it.

 

There is a possibility, even if you don't think so, that she suspects and is feeling you out. This is going to be so horrible when it all blows up. The people who keep their affairs secret so well as I learned keep the two lives seperate. Your lives are entwined beyond even regular neighbors. And yet instead of taking responsibilit for your choices and actions and making positive changes you are picking her apart? End this any means possible. But end this madness today.

[purplesorrow]

I did the same thing while I collected evidence. They both thought I was so dumb, I know because I was reading it. We have alienation of affection law here. I wanted enough material for court so I didn't want to let on and have him find other ways to hide.

 

In the end I didn't use my time to sue, not really my style anyway.

Edited April 16, 2014 by purplesorrow

[BHsigh]

Ouch, she's supposed to be your friend right? I can almost understand why some AP's think that they shouldn't have to care about the BS, but when you're friends with the BS? That's too much.

 

But that probably also answers your question as well, she probably does suspect that something's up, but she can't find any evidence of him being around another woman, other than you, but you're her friend that gives her good advice, so it couldn't be you. Plus, her husband wouldn't dare do that to his friend either.

 

IDK, just a thought

[Sub]

Ouch, she's supposed to be your friend right? I can almost understand why some AP's think that they shouldn't have to care about the BS, but when you're friends with the BS? That's too much.

 

But that probably also answers your question as well, she probably does suspect that something's up, but she can't find any evidence of him being around another woman, other than you, but you're her friend that gives her good advice, so it couldn't be you. Plus, her husband wouldn't dare do that to his friend either.

 

IDK, just a thought

 

Yes, hiding in plain sight. This is the last scenario that the BW would suspect. Plus, I'm sure he's been sooooooo repentant about his previous A that she's convinced he's a good enough person to not do something like that again.

[gettingstronger]

yes, the fact that you are not living up to the reasonable expectations she has for her friends and those she cares for in her life is going to be her downfall and what hurts her the most-when she finds out she is not being afforded the minimum human decency of a fair shake at her own life she will be shaken to the core-its unfortunate for her that she crossed paths with people that can deceive her so- its not a weakness or willful blindness on her part-its just a sad fact that people can indeed be quite cruel-

[Furious]

If my husband behaved the way hers did I feel I would know he was having an affair, but my other mans wife seems clueless that could be the issue.

 

She knows something's up, has said a few times that he never puts effort into sex with her, while admitting she doesn't want it anyway. And she describes his mood swings and distance. It's like she's put the possibility of an affair way off the table. She blames anything he does in any excuse she can think of.

 

I guess I'm jaded because I'm untrusting. But I would suspect something big time if a man with as high a sex drive as this man stopped wanting sex.

 

Red flags are flying around all over the place but she refuses to see or is too trusting? Thing is I know she doesn't fully trust him since she knows he's cheated in the past but doesn't think he ever would again.

 

A real friend would tell her how wrong she is, which is how I clued in, I'm in this for him for real and not her. I do love her but it's obvious where my loyalties lie.

 

My husband may suspect mood swings but I've kept almost everything else as balanced as I can. I am sure every one thinks that though.

 

I just keep thinking, if some of the situations that happen to his wife were to happen to me I would know what was up. Just an observation.

 

Is this just because I know what he's capable of?

 

 

 

You spend a great deal of time dissecting this woman. You think you're smarter than her and in a way you seem to derive a twisted pleasure in making a fool of her.

 

Maybe you should spend your energy looking into yourself as opposed to playing this sick game with your "friend".

 

You and your affair partner are two of the same, both heartless and enjoy playing with people who love and trust you.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Furious

[Ruffian1]

" I do love her but it's obvious where my loyalties lie."

 

 

You do not love this woman in any way, shape or form.

[hayleym]

I do not derive pleasure from her pain at all, she's s good person.

I admit fully, that it's a bit of a flaw of mine to see weakness in people. I think I must consider being trusting as being weak. In reality, I wish I could trust people blindly but absolutely not. If I'm close to someone it's because I know just about every detail about them and my risk of being betrayed is almost zero. I just don't think Id fall for most of the things she falls for daily. If my husband pulled even one I would be on alert. And I trust my husband fully, this after years of being very aware and in control. I guess that means to me, I can read my husband like a book. Same as I can read her, so I trust them. Hers has had a past affair and she knows he's never been the faithful type but she will still blame lost hours, mood swings and no attempt to have sex with her on him working to hard or being stressed.

 

I'm not trying to make fun of her. It's just something that confuses me.

 

To suggestions that she knows but isn't saying, anything is possible but I suppose you would have to know her, that's not the case here.

[hayleym]

You do reaze how cold and unfeeling you sound, right? Your situation is truly messed up. It is like your sister wives only she doesn't know it.

 

There is a possibility, even if you don't think so, that she suspects and is feeling you out. This is going to be so horrible when it all blows up. The people who keep their affairs secret so well as I learned keep the two lives seperate. Your lives are entwined beyond even regular neighbors. And yet instead of taking responsibilit for your choices and actions and making positive changes you are picking her apart? End this any means possible. But end this madness today.

 

Oh yes, I come across incredibly cold and unfeeling when I post anywhere, it's been pointed out and I also read my own posts, and I know.

I guess I just don't feel the need to sugar coat anything so I don't even try. I'm not like that in real life, my image is very maternal and empathetic. I say image because I do present myself as I want to be seen. Always have.

 

You might be mixing me up with another poster I'm not sure but we are not neighbours although were at one time. We are incredibly close though.

 

I'm not trying to pick her apart, but I do wonder about it all and I'm not ashamed of anything. I have mostly great things to say about her and only a few not so great and since I would never say those aloud to anyone in real life I mentioned one here. This is a two and a half year old affair, no blow ups in site unless something drastic should happen.

[Furious]

I do not derive pleasure from her pain at all, she's s good person.

I admit fully, that it's a bit of a flaw of mine to see weakness in people. I think I must consider being trusting as being weak. In reality, I wish I could trust people blindly but absolutely not. If I'm close to someone it's because I know just about every detail about them and my risk of being betrayed is almost zero. I just don't think Id fall for most of the things she falls for daily. If my husband pulled even one I would be on alert. And I trust my husband fully, this after years of being very aware and in control. I guess that means to me, I can read my husband like a book. Same as I can read her, so I trust them. Hers has had a past affair and she knows he's never been the faithful type but she will still blame lost hours, mood swings and no attempt to have sex with her on him working to hard or being stressed.

 

I'm not trying to make fun of her. It's just something that confuses me.

 

To suggestions that she knows but isn't saying, anything is possible but I suppose you would have to know her, that's not the case here.

 

 

Deep down inside you're insecure, you fear being betrayed. The ironic thing is you are being betrayed but fail to recognize this. You don't see it, but you're also just as much a pawn as your affair partner's wife is.

 

I doubt your affair partner spends time dissecting your husband's blind trust. He has you all just where he wants it.

[purplesorrow]

" I do love her but it's obvious where my loyalties lie."

 

 

You do not love this woman in any way, shape or form.

 

I completely agree. You are helping to deceive her and then act shocked that she is deceived? You do seem to find some pleasure in helping to pull the wool over her eyes. As my dad says people who behave this way amount to being boils on the ass of humanity.

[Sub]

A real friend would tell her how wrong she is, which is how I clued in, I'm in this for him for real and not her. I do love her but it's obvious where my loyalties lie.

 

Has she ever asked you what you think the reason is? Has she ever asked you if you think he's seeing someone else? What sort of advice have you given her, as a friend?

[veritas lux mea]

Oh yes, I come across incredibly cold and unfeeling when I post anywhere, it's been pointed out and I also read my own posts, and I know.

I guess I just don't feel the need to sugar coat anything so I don't even try. I'm not like that in real life, my image is very maternal and empathetic. I say image because I do present myself as I want to be seen. Always have.

 

You might be mixing me up with another poster I'm not sure but we are not neighbours although were at one time. We are incredibly close though.

 

I'm not trying to pick her apart, but I do wonder about it all and I'm not ashamed of anything. I have mostly great things to say about her and only a few not so great and since I would never say those aloud to anyone in real life I mentioned one here. This is a two and a half year old affair, no blow ups in site unless something drastic should happen.

 

I actually was multi tasking at the time. I meant friends. Sorry about the confusion.

 

First, what you write and feel is who you are. So you are cold and heartless towards your "friend". Acting otherwise is just what makes it worse. Your secret actions are who you are. Your pretense is what you let the world see. You are emotionaly detatched from the truth of your situation. And you sit back wonderin over her wanting to believe her H is faithful while you know he is not. And what sort of catch is he anyways? But that is besides the point.

 

People who lie, cheat, steal, and so forth often don't understand how someone can trust because as liars/theives/cheaters/ect they know how two faced people can be and they. That is why you find her trust incredulous. Because decietful people often feel mentaly superior over those that aren't. And maybe in some ways they are.

 

But in love, empathy, compassion and honesty. They fail. And what is better in life? Taking what you want? Or being someone who is kind and honest from the outside in.

[SugarHibiscus]

I'm in a similar situation.

 

I think a person needs to WANT to connect the dots. Either she's gathering evidence or she doesn't think of it as a possibility. I don't know her, so you have to be the judge.

 

In my case, it seems so glaringly obvious. In the fall, she accused us and it caused a huge blowout. She has always been a jealous and controlling person. She chalked it up to jealousy and reached out to me again. I was ready never to speak to her again despite our 20 year friendship. (Clearly, we have a lot of issues in our relationship. She has not really been my friend for years.)

 

After that, my OM and I tried to be more mindful of how we interact in front of others. My mother (who would never believe me capable of infidelity) told me that she can tell OM and I are in love because of how we look at each other. Ouch. Not good.

[Lady2163]

If my husband behaved the way hers did I feel I would know he was having an affair, but my other mans wife seems clueless that could be the issue.

 

She knows something's up, has said a few times that he never puts effort into sex with her, while admitting she doesn't want it anyway. And she describes his mood swings and distance. It's like she's put the possibility of an affair way off the table. She blames anything he does in any excuse she can think of.

 

I guess I'm jaded because I'm untrusting. But I would suspect something big time if a man with as high a sex drive as this man stopped wanting sex.

 

Red flags are flying around all over the place but she refuses to see or is too trusting? Thing is I know she doesn't fully trust him since she knows he's cheated in the past but doesn't think he ever would again.

 

A real friend would tell her how wrong she is, which is how I clued in, I'm in this for him for real and not her. I do love her but it's obvious where my loyalties lie.

 

My husband may suspect mood swings but I've kept almost everything else as balanced as I can. I am sure every one thinks that though.

 

I just keep thinking, if some of the situations that happen to his wife were to happen to me I would know what was up. Just an observation.

 

Is this just because I know what he's capable of?

 

Your writing may appear cold, but it may just be how your process things. It reminds me of the scene in The Breakfast Club where the geek essentially discusses looking at himself from the outside. I think that is what you are doing and your process is what it is.

[hayleym]

I'm in a similar situation.

 

I think a person needs to WANT to connect the dots. Either she's gathering evidence or she doesn't think of it as a possibility. I don't know her, so you have to be the judge.

 

In my case, it seems so glaringly obvious. In the fall, she accused us and it caused a huge blowout. She has always been a jealous and controlling person. She chalked it up to jealousy and reached out to me again. I was ready never to speak to her again despite our 20 year friendship. (Clearly, we have a lot of issues in our relationship. She has not really been my friend for years.)

 

After that, my OM and I tried to be more mindful of how we interact in front of others. My mother (who would never believe me capable of infidelity) told me that she can tell OM and I are in love because of how we look at each other. Ouch. Not good.

 

She's not connecting the dots. There is a person she worries he'll cheat with, but it's not me and he actually has no interest in the other woman but he kind of let's her think he does to keep her from assuming it's me.

I'm more worried about my husband considering it than her..

 

Mutual friends and some of my family have pointed out his 'crush' on me, but nobody suspects an affair that I know of. Small towns where you've known people forever, lines are often blurred and people don't seem to think it's weird that we are together all the time, we are 'just friends'

 

On love shack it's often suggested people are aware but biding their time to confront or something. Sounds like a movie script although I'm sure it does happen. In this case I know everyone very very well. There's no way anyone would know and not say something to someone and news travels like lightening in this town.

 

This isn't new. It's been ongoing for a few years, a physical affair for over two years.

We've never been seen doing anything. Never been heard talking about anything we shouldn't be.

 

The only thing people would be able to pick up on is looks and the tone in which we talk about each other (it's been pointed out to me by a few mutual friends and his wife! That he talks about me a lot and in a different tone of voice)

His wife says it's because he's put me on a pedestal)

 

I'm not stupid. I know we could get caught but I am pretty confident at this point nobody knows anything.

[hayleym]

When I say we're together all the time, I don't mean just me and him. We are usually together in a group and more often than not our spouses are there too. We are not going to risk getting caught by having sex in any situation where our spouses are there or anyone for that matter.

I don't know what people picture, but we are only together when there is an opportunity and we've never had to make up elaborate lies or anything.

[Sub]

There is a person she worries he'll cheat with, but it's not me and he actually has no interest in the other woman but he kind of let's her think he does to keep her from assuming it's me.

 

I feel like I've said this before, but don't some of the things he does impact your feelings for him? I know we're kind of beyond the messed up stage at this point, but the above just adds another layer of "wow!", IMO.

[hayleym]

I feel like I've said this before, but don't some of the things he does impact your feelings for him? I know we're kind of beyond the messed up stage at this point, but the above just adds another layer of "wow!", IMO.

 

Yes. Sometimes the things he does surprise me, but I'm no better. I don't judge and I really feel like I understand where he's coming from most of the time.

[Sub]

Yes. Sometimes the things he does surprise me, but I'm no better. I don't judge and I really feel like I understand where he's coming from most of the time.

 

You understand because it benefits you, IMO. "Who am I to judge?" is a cop out. Given everything, I still think you're capable of having limits.