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(Yes, I'm still in it.)

 

I sort of knew we'd end up in NC eventually, as hard as I fought against it. Staying in contact was a disaster for both of us. But, we circled around it for ages. We'd get up to the point of (usually him) saying that there needed to be some time and space to recover from this, but then not follow-through on it. The affair was over, but neither of us wanted the other to disappear.

 

And then? He disappeared. We were still talking, mainly over email. It was increasingly less, but we were still talking. We'd go back and forth with short responses to each other. And he sent me a message one day, and then just never replied. It's been three weeks.

 

I know this is best for both of us, but the suddenness and open-endedness of it are getting to me. It was never an official "we're never talking again!" type of ending. So, I'm left sort of hoping and sort of dreading whether he'll return at some point or not.

 

I'm curious, how did NC start for the rest of you? Was it an official sort of declaration that you weren't going to talk anymore? Or did it just sort of happen?

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That's messed up that he never replied. I'm sorry.

 

I initiated NC with mine with no warning, then broke it. I won't be surprised if I go NC again.

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forbidden_love

After talking to someone you love and seeing them every day,, nc is almost impossible. I am seeing him once a week for this last two weeks. It is hell. After reading on here, I know what is happening, BS is getting hurt by realising what has actually been going on for six years. It is sinking in.

 

NC...... is pure hell. I want to see him and I am used to seeing him at an hour's notice.... not at the moment, and now i wish i had never had this love. This love that destroyed my life

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Waverly, you know my story and you too know that this has been a huge part of my angst as well. Believe me, I am in a continual struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY. HE/I never agreed on NC. He never told me not to contact him. He told me he loved me in our last phone call. But, then I stopped texting and e-mailing him and he did too. That was two weeks after his d-day when he returned to work on his marriage.

 

I think our exMM throw themselves into their family lives and try to keep the pain of the ending away by keeping busy. I don't think our exMM feel like nothing has happened. I think they have to process things differently. WE on the other hand, go over and over the relationship and its demise in our heads and go through the "why why why" syndrome. I tried after his d-day to analyze the relationship, and see what I did wrong, and hope that somehow I could fix it and change his mind. But, then and now, this hoping is getting me nowhere. Until I let go of the hope, I can't heal. I wish I could just accept it, be thankful for the time he was in my life, grieve the ending and let go, but I can’t. I’m stuck on hope. Hope that he will come back.

 

Yet, YOU/I know they can't be what we need them to be. I've read here so many times that if someone really wants to be with you, nothing will stop them. A man will move mountains to be with the woman he loves. Therefore, the only conclusion I have to FORCE myself to face is that no matter how much he said he wanted to, how much HE talked of a future, how much he planned time for US, and everything else, he didn't want it enough. I do believe he loves me. I do believe he misses me. But, it means the same in the end. His marriage, no matter how sick, hobbling, or on its way out, and his desire to preserve it took precedence over everything. That doesn't mean he loves his wife, or that he has this strong overwhelming desire to WORK on the marriage... it means he needs to preserve it. In my opinion, for his family- his children.

 

Please try to remember how much I hated myself one week ago when I broke NC after 10 weeks. IT ATE ME ALIVE to know that I contacted him after all the pain and suffering and one week later I still don’t know if he even got the e-mail or ever will. You will regret it----I did not believe what everyone told me on LS, but it is SO true. I thought I needed to know that I am indeed in his thoughts. That I am not forgotten, nor was I ever. That I am in his mind every bit as much as he was (and is) in mine. But, I won’t do it again. The pain is too hard to bear. It's a long journey, which I could never have predicted would be the trip of a lifetime.

 

Doing the NC thing is darn hard---- My heart is where your heart is too. I miss him and still want things to work out. But deep down I know it isn't so I'll try to battle this NC thing and hope for the fairytale ending he promised me with someone else.

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I guess my dearest friend Waverly, there is never a good time, nor a right way.

It can be that distant kind of friendship where maybe every now & again you say hello anf the love and care arent gone, but rather...just under stood.

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After talking to someone you love and seeing them every day,, nc is almost impossible. I am seeing him once a week for this last two weeks. It is hell. After reading on here, I know what is happening, BS is getting hurt by realising what has actually been going on for six years. It is sinking in.

 

NC...... is pure hell. I want to see him and I am used to seeing him at an hour's notice.... not at the moment, and now i wish i had never had this love. This love that destroyed my life

 

 

I agree...it's a love that slays you to your very core.

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Tullyseptember

Don't these intense feelings seem in a sense over the top? I honestly mean no offence. I could not imagine loving a person to the point of where if they were to leave me I would feel such extreme pain. I'm think I understand that the abruptness of the ending is difficult with nowhere to go with your feelings but doesn't it make you even just a little bit angry that you can be put on the back shelf and left there until they are ready to take you from that shelf? I feel emotional on behalf of everyone involved, BS/OW/OM. It's all just so heartbreaking:(

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PurpleCardigan
(Yes, I'm still in it.)

 

I sort of knew we'd end up in NC eventually, as hard as I fought against it. Staying in contact was a disaster for both of us. But, we circled around it for ages. We'd get up to the point of (usually him) saying that there needed to be some time and space to recover from this, but then not follow-through on it. The affair was over, but neither of us wanted the other to disappear.

 

And then? He disappeared. We were still talking, mainly over email. It was increasingly less, but we were still talking. We'd go back and forth with short responses to each other. And he sent me a message one day, and then just never replied. It's been three weeks.

 

I know this is best for both of us, but the suddenness and open-endedness of it are getting to me. It was never an official "we're never talking again!" type of ending. So, I'm left sort of hoping and sort of dreading whether he'll return at some point or not.

 

I'm curious, how did NC start for the rest of you? Was it an official sort of declaration that you weren't going to talk anymore? Or did it just sort of happen?

 

I’d heard of “no contact” before through a previous therapist and this is how it was described: as the last step in ending a toxic relationship of any kind. It is done for you, to help you heal and move on because the contact re-opens old wounds. If you are obsessing over it, counting days, etc., then that is not “no contact”. In addition, it is not just stopping to speak to someone and dropping off the face of the earth, blocking/unblocking etc, playing games, seeking out on social media, etc. All of that is attention seeking and only confuses relationships, expectations from others, and encourages contact for “closure”.

 

For “no contact” it has to be from a conversation, i.e. “We’ve discussed how this relationship is over, we are hurting each other by talking/seeing each other, I’ve asked you before to leave me alone and you have not, therefore I’m not going to speak to you, reply to your messages, etc.” Then you don’t. I successfully used it on a toxic familial relationship where the person would not respect my boundaries and didn’t respond to my clear, verbal statements that I needed space and no conversation.

 

Failing to respond is just being childish, conflict avoidant and rude in my opinion. If you are going NC, you need to have CLEARLY asked for space/quiet and when that is broken you need to have the ending conversation.

 

For my xMM, I may refer it as NC, but that’s a misnomer. After he reminded me one more time that he needed to move on from the romantic relationship, I said to him, “this friendship isn’t working for me and we need to stop talking except for the odd work item, but even for those we should try to work through others to get it done.” He agreed and that was it. We’d previously taken, at my request, talking breaks when the salt going into my wounds was too much to bear. Heartbreaking, sure. But for the best for me; I’m already slowly healing and moving on.

 

This is how it was explained to me, and how it’s worked successfully for me. I’m not judging anyone who views it differently. All people, affairs, relationships, families are different. YMMV.

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The Cardigan lady was correct...

 

I did NC...3x...but maybe based on Cardigan's explanation...NONE really was.

 

When we first going out...and then making out... I knew that it was a bad mistake and felt so terrible that I slept with a wonderful guy whose wife, should be an awesome person, too.

And then we fought...as he was so stubborn...and too dominant, at that time. He is a really proud French guy.

I harshly said I wanted nothing to do with him.

Then, I didn't contact him, but YES I counted the days and was so miserable.

He then broke the NC and initiated us to be friends and professionals.

I agreed to his business proposal...(for money and love).

We ended up resuming our A.

 

Then his W, a couple weeks after, discovered our emails and how he flirted with me.

She was really angry. I was not afraid of her, but as someone who was cheated in the past, I sorta understood her pain.

I again, broke up with him and initiated NC....which that time only lasted for 3 days which was not really NC. I wanted to return the money he invested for my service (which was only completed 30%)...but he refused and asked me to finish it professionally.

 

Then along the road...I managed to be professional for 2 months and then...we resumed that again.

I was happy and yet torn indise...knowing...I'm such a villain who's laughing over someone else's tears.

We had great relationship for two months...we had wonderful christmas time as his wife and son returned to France for a holiday whilst he followed them a week after.

He flew back to France after christmas..I felt so happy, but hated myself...I started planning for the end. I didn't ask him to do that for me. He returned back here with his family in the beginning of Jan.

 

I sent him a thank you and goodbye letter via mail.

I started to cancel our appointments...and reduced the frequency of our communication.

Then we finally met in the end of that month...and I told him that it was goodbye.

He was angry...but he didn't verbally say it.

A week before that meeting, I received an email from his W, who happened to read my goodbye letter. She said she could understand my love for his man, but she asked me, politely, to not destroy their M. I didn't want to, of course. She explained in details how she felt her H had been displaying emotional and physical remoteness.

 

Then...I went NC which only lasted for 5-8 weeks, I guess.

It was...of course not NC...as I missed him every day and was obsessed about it. And struggled every day that I even discovered this forum.

 

I broke the NC in March via email...but just through mails...not frequently.

He then asked to see me over dinner in my fav restaurant.

I managed to say no a couple of times.

 

But finally...I said yes...in my quest for happiness.

I was happy to see his face again.

Now...In the last 3 weeks...we met 3x. Each time when we parted he always asked "will I see you again?" as he knows I can suddenly stop seeing him when I think of how wicked I am in ruining his w's life.

We were still talking, mainly over email.

 

The "A" is over...he doesn't flirt me as wild as before.

We maintain the friendship.

He's a good man...I'm afraid of loosing him as a friend.

We might fall back to "A" again...I know...it is risky...

I just don't know...I don't want to love him more than this and then starting to nag and demand him to spend more time of worse, leave his W.

He won't do that, I'm sure.

If I fall back to his arms, it'll lead no where, I know.

 

One of my closest friends, who knows this told me that:

"It's not going to be a lasting joy."

So...NC will happen again...shortly.

 

 

Sorry...sorry...if my reply is too detailed and too long...

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Finally Settled

When my ex wife discovered my affair there was a short period of no contact, but at that point I had no intention of leaving my marriage or giving up my other woman. I initiated contact with her very quickly.

 

A few years later, when my other woman was done with the affair, she ended things and I never heard a word from her until nearly five years later. Although I eventually continued to make contact with her she never responded until I sent her a copy of the documents I used when filing for my divorce and the photos of the apartment I had been living in for months.

 

I was a failure with no contact whereas my other woman seemed a master. As I discovered in therapy, what I perceived was not her reality. She struggled as much as I did.

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When my ex wife discovered my affair there was a short period of no contact, but at that point I had no intention of leaving my marriage or giving up my other woman. I initiated contact with her very quickly.

 

A few years later, when my other woman was done with the affair, she ended things and I never heard a word from her until nearly five years later. Although I eventually continued to make contact with her she never responded until I sent her a copy of the documents I used when filing for my divorce and the photos of the apartment I had been living in for months.

 

I was a failure with no contact whereas my other woman seemed a master. As I discovered in therapy, what I perceived was not her reality. She struggled as much as I did.

 

 

Can you explain what you mean by "what I perceived was not her reality. She struggled as much as I did?"

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Finally Settled
Can you explain what you mean by "what I perceived was not her reality. She struggled as much as I did?"

 

Of course I can Mickey1982 -- she made it clear she was moving forward with or without me. She gave me the choice to join her and I chose not to. She kissed me and walked away. It seemed to me that she had quite easily set me aside and moved on. She struggled as much to keep the silence as I did to be constantly met by it.

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Of course I can Mickey1982 -- she made it clear she was moving forward with or without me. She gave me the choice to join her and I chose not to. She kissed me and walked away. It seemed to me that she had quite easily set me aside and moved on. She struggled as much to keep the silence as I did to be constantly met by it.

 

 

In your opinion, do both APs struggle once an ending happens, NC begins and one goes back to their spouse? Looking for a male's perspective as I can only hope my exMM struggles as much as I am.

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Finally Settled
In your opinion, do both APs struggle once an ending happens, NC begins and one goes back to their spouse? Looking for a male's perspective as I can only hope my exMM struggles as much as I am.

 

I obviously am not able to speak for everyone, but I believe where an affair has been carried on long term it is difficult on both parties. I think it is naive to believe someone in an intense relationship will transition easily from intense contact to no contact.

 

I hope you stop struggling Mickey1982, and I hope your married man does as well. I know the pain you are feeling and I don't wish that on anyone.

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In your opinion, do both APs struggle once an ending happens, NC begins and one goes back to their spouse? Looking for a male's perspective as I can only hope my exMM struggles as much as I am.

 

Mickey, THIS question was kind of at the crux of all of the disagreements my xAP and I had after the A ended. We went around and around and around about it. Oh my god, it was ridiculous. I was (and still am, as you know) having such a hard time with everything. I was wallowing and crying and just hurt. He, on the other hand, didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to try to push it away and move on with his life and not talk about what had happened. I, of course, took that as everything being hunky-dory with him, which, in turn, meant that I only hurt more. UGH.

 

The truth though, if I ever stopped and actually listened to him, was that he hurt too. He started drinking again after five years of sobriety, his marriage started to fall apart as a result, he was a mess. But he just didn't tell me about the pain as much, because he was trying to suppress it. Every once in a while, it would come out, and (I hate to admit this part) I really wanted to hear about it. I really really wanted him to be suffering 1/100th of what I felt like I was.

 

I'm sure your xMM is suffering too. He pushed you away HARD, and you might never know why, but if he's anything like mine, it was probably part self-preservation, part fake it till you make it mentality, and part desperately trying to salvage his own life and marriage.

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Thanks for the replies. I'm not breaking NC, but I'd be lying if I said that the way it came about didn't sting. We circled around the topic for a loooong time. We both needed to try and move on, but I was trying so hard to do it while still keeping him in my life. He wanted more space, but never could bring himself to follow through on NC. So, I guess I didn't really believe that he ever would? I don't know.

 

Even when we talked about taking some time away from talking, he was always very clear that it wasn't forever, that we'd still keep in touch. But it just feels like it's all on his terms, like I am just stuck wondering when he'll decide he can check in again. I'm trying not to let this get to me, but am having a hard time. He literally disappeared in mid-conversation.

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Mickey, THIS question was kind of at the crux of all of the disagreements my xAP and I had after the A ended. We went around and around and around about it. Oh my god, it was ridiculous. I was (and still am, as you know) having such a hard time with everything. I was wallowing and crying and just hurt. He, on the other hand, didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to try to push it away and move on with his life and not talk about what had happened. I, of course, took that as everything being hunky-dory with him, which, in turn, meant that I only hurt more. UGH.

 

The truth though, if I ever stopped and actually listened to him, was that he hurt too. He started drinking again after five years of sobriety, his marriage started to fall apart as a result, he was a mess. But he just didn't tell me about the pain as much, because he was trying to suppress it. Every once in a while, it would come out, and (I hate to admit this part) I really wanted to hear about it. I really really wanted him to be suffering 1/100th of what I felt like I was.

 

I'm sure your xMM is suffering too. He pushed you away HARD, and you might never know why, but if he's anything like mine, it was probably part self-preservation, part fake it till you make it mentality, and part desperately trying to salvage his own life and marriage.

 

 

I hate to admit it as well, but I too can only hope that he feels even 1/2 of the suffering I am continuing to feel. It know it sounds insensitive, but I feel as though I've been to hell and back a few times already.

 

There's so much that I will never understand, Waverly. Sometimes, I just lie in bed going over the memories and I can't believe that it has come to this. To lose someone that I once respected, admireed, trusted, and adored hurts tremendously. The man that I loved is gone. WE always promised each other that no matter what ever happened, we'd have to reamin in contact to know just how the other one was doing. He always told me he could never imagine not having me in his life.

 

Like you, the knowing that I may never see him again is excruciating. Simple memories I will miss....like the butterflies as the plane was about to land when I would see him...a feeling like no other.

 

How could he walk away so easy?????? That will baffle me until the day I die.

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I hate to admit it as well, but I too can only hope that he feels even 1/2 of the suffering I am continuing to feel. It know it sounds insensitive, but I feel as though I've been to hell and back a few times already.

 

There's so much that I will never understand, Waverly. Sometimes, I just lie in bed going over the memories and I can't believe that it has come to this. Like you, the knowing that I may never see him again is excruciating. To lose someone that I once respected, admireed, trusted, and adored hurts tremendously. The man that I loved is gone. WE always promised each other that no matter what ever happened, we'd have to reamin in contact to know just how the other one was doing. He always told me he could never imagine not having me in his life.

 

It's the turn of emotions and the ease of walking away that will baffle me until the day I die.

 

Yup. I knew, even during the height of the A, that there was a really good chance that we'd never end up together in the end. Circumstances were totally against us. But I never imagined that it could end up like this.

 

Rationally? I get it. Time, space, we have to move on with our lives. Sure. But emotionally, I am still nursing this wound, and his sudden disappearance is only twisting the knife a bit more than I feel capable of handling sometimes.

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Yup. I knew, even during the height of the A, that there was a really good chance that we'd never end up together in the end. Circumstances were totally against us. But I never imagined that it could end up like this.

 

Rationally? I get it. Time, space, we have to move on with our lives. Sure. But emotionally, I am still nursing this wound, and his sudden disappearance is only twisting the knife a bit more than I feel capable of handling sometimes.

 

 

I know you will understand this.....

 

Simple memories I will miss....like the butterflies as the plane was about to land when I would see him...a feeling like no other.

 

Those are the things I am missing MOST.

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I know you will understand this.....

 

Simple memories I will miss....like the butterflies as the plane was about to land when I would see him...a feeling like no other.

 

Those are the things I am missing MOST.

 

Yup. I, sadly, get it all too well. A few people on here have given the advice/perspective that the love doesn't need to stop, it just needs to be put away, or happen from afar. And again... I get that, rationally. I just hope my emotions catch up one day. Right now, I feel far away from that ever happening.

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Yup. I, sadly, get it all too well. A few people on here have given the advice/perspective that the love doesn't need to stop, it just needs to be put away, or happen from afar. And again... I get that, rationally. I just hope my emotions catch up one day. Right now, I feel far away from that ever happening.

 

Yup. ME TOO. Just can't imagine the day I ever feel that.

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Mickey, THIS question was kind of at the crux of all of the disagreements my xAP and I had after the A ended. We went around and around and around about it. Oh my god, it was ridiculous. I was (and still am, as you know) having such a hard time with everything. I was wallowing and crying and just hurt. He, on the other hand, didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to try to push it away and move on with his life and not talk about what had happened. I, of course, took that as everything being hunky-dory with him, which, in turn, meant that I only hurt more. UGH.

 

The truth though, if I ever stopped and actually listened to him, was that he hurt too. He started drinking again after five years of sobriety, his marriage started to fall apart as a result, he was a mess. But he just didn't tell me about the pain as much, because he was trying to suppress it. Every once in a while, it would come out, and (I hate to admit this part) I really wanted to hear about it. I really really wanted him to be suffering 1/100th of what I felt like I was.

 

I'm sure your xMM is suffering too. He pushed you away HARD, and you might never know why, but if he's anything like mine, it was probably part self-preservation, part fake it till you make it mentality, and part desperately trying to salvage his own life and marriage.

 

 

Can't speak for all Men but I heard they feel just like we do when the A ends... Just in different ways. Men tend to try and surpress and move on but if you don't deal w/ your emotions and admit to yourself "I miss so and so"... It's going to be harder to forget.

 

That just my opinion although I wish more guys chimed in on how they felt about the AP after it ends.

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Yup. ME TOO. Just can't imagine the day I ever feel that.

 

It will happen though. I have to believe that it will. It feels never-ending right now, and I think the ache might always be there, but it will lessen eventually. It has to.

 

That said, I spend a lot of time worrying that it's a Pandora's Box type of thing. I had feelings for my xAP since the moment I met him, ten years ago. He felt the same, but there were a million reasons why it never worked out. We never lost touch over the years, and part of me always wondered if we would ever happen. And now we did, and it ended like this. I don't know how to make those feelings go away now. Even when I was dating my husband, getting engaged, and marrying him, my xAP was in my head. How do I make him go away now?? It was always there, and I ignored it. I'm trying to shove it back down, but it's not going so well.

 

Ugh, Mickey. Let me know when you want to meet up for that drink one day... ;)

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