educate me about the oh so important NO CONTACT.

[SolG]

Hi again y'all

 

As those of you who have read my older posts may know, I'm reaching touch and go point with my MM. And in the end it might just end up no touch, and all go... of the away variety. If that ends up being the case, the conventional LS wisdom would appear to be to go the all important NC route.

 

Now, the thing is I had never heard of NC before I started poking around here. And I've never, ever practiced it in a break up. Never. Ever. Not even at the end of my M.

 

I've headed over to the breakup area to read the LS Guide to NC, and done some additional reading. But here's the thing... yes, it makes sense... but I can't see that it would have made any breakup I've had any better. I see it as potentially useful, but not as necessary as some seem to make it sound.

 

I can't see that I've ever suffered from the lack of NC in a breakup before, and I'm not convinced that it will be the panacea inferred should MM and I end our A.

 

But I'd really like to hear your experiences and thoughts before I make up my mind about it.

[Tullyseptember]

Hi SolG,

 

From my experience with NC, it was the only tool at a point in my cloudy foggy mind that guided me to releasing unrealistic thought patterns. Of course each person has their own coping tools but for me all my tools were broken! The other person in my situation clearly did not want anything to do with me. That hurt and I reached out a few embarrassing times with no answer which really was good for me that he didn't. Thankfully I grabbed on to the NC tool and changed ways of contact so that I wouldn't contact him! I never worried if he would contact me I was too focused on changing me:) My experience with this person is not comparable to your situation but I do feel that you could use this tool to bring your thought patterns to another place that is not clouded by what you are currently experiencing

[Cocochai]

Hi again y'all

 

As those of you who have read my older posts may know, I'm reaching touch and go point with my MM. And in the end it might just end up no touch, and all go... of the away variety. If that ends up being the case, the conventional LS wisdom would appear to be to go the all important NC route.

 

Now, the thing is I had never heard of NC before I started poking around here. And I've never, ever practiced it in a break up. Never. Ever. Not even at the end of my M.

 

I've headed over to the breakup area to read the LS Guide to NC, and done some additional reading. But here's the thing... yes, it makes sense... but I can't see that it would have made any breakup I've had any better. I see it as potentially useful, but not as necessary as some seem to make it sound.

 

I can't see that I've ever suffered from the lack of NC in a breakup before, and I'm not convinced that it will be the panacea inferred should MM and I end our A.

 

But I'd really like to hear your experiences and thoughts before I make up my mind about it.

 

 

Put it this way... NC doesn't work for everyone. For me LC works because if we are truly trying to stop the A.. It will eventually fizzle out. I am not going to chase someone who doesn't want to be bothered so, I simply delete there contact info so I would not contact them (not block). In my case XMM said he was having issues in his M and wants to give 100% but still remain friends. I still have feelings for him so I've decided to not reach out and move on.

 

I have ex's that came back years later to reconnect and keep in contact. If ur the type to once have a deep connection with someone, only to have the ability to block out all those memories without getting hit in the head.. You have a rare talent.

 

My XMM use to discuss relationships he had in HS and told me he often wondered what happens to so so and and... He's Married. Always talking about how he was from his past.

 

I always tell myself if someone wants to leave my life... Let them, but to hold a grudge and become angry towards that person only prolongs you from moving on.

 

That way I choose LC.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Cocochai

[MissBee]

Hi again y'all

 

As those of you who have read my older posts may know, I'm reaching touch and go point with my MM. And in the end it might just end up no touch, and all go... of the away variety. If that ends up being the case, the conventional LS wisdom would appear to be to go the all important NC route.

 

Now, the thing is I had never heard of NC before I started poking around here. And I've never, ever practiced it in a break up. Never. Ever. Not even at the end of my M.

 

I've headed over to the breakup area to read the LS Guide to NC, and done some additional reading. But here's the thing... yes, it makes sense... but I can't see that it would have made any breakup I've had any better. I see it as potentially useful, but not as necessary as some seem to make it sound.

 

I can't see that I've ever suffered from the lack of NC in a breakup before, and I'm not convinced that it will be the panacea inferred should MM and I end our A.

 

But I'd really like to hear your experiences and thoughts before I make up my mind about it.

 

What is the alternative?

 

NC as a name or "thing" may be more popular because of LS but it's actually just common sense and people do this all the time, as it's simply putting distance between you and an ex in order to detach and move on...as most people cannot genuinely move on if they are trying to be friends or are tuned in to their ex's life.

 

I had the same reactions like you and eventually realized NC made sense and once I got to that point (this wasn't an affair. I initially came to LS over a regular breakup where I was trying to be friends etc) things became a lot easier for me. But reality is, with my exAP, we had a natural NC that wasn't named NC, we simply didn't speak to each other AT ALL for a whole year. I didn't know about NC as a concept but basically it was NC. Likewise with another ex, a similar thing happened, we simply ended up not talking for about 6 months at all and it helped me tremendously to move forward...but I didn't call it NC, but that was essentially what it was.

 

So NC isn't really some new fangled thing...it's something people do already even if they've never heard of it. But I find that you either do it naturally or you fight against it and usually it's the people who need to do it that are fighting against it the most. Certainly when I did it naturally it didn't seem like a big deal but when I NEEDED to do it and I didn't want to and I came all tormented to LS, it seemed like the worst idea, because I wasn't ready to let go. I think that's a big part of it. Usually when you're ready or so fed up, NC comes more naturally, but when you still have hope or deep down haven't let go, it's very challenging and counter to what you want to do.

 

If you've gotten over breakups without it, there is no rule that you must do it. But if you find that you are staying stuck and still very much attached yet you don't want to go NC...you should consider why not. And again, what is your alternative plan? To still be friends? To talk "sometimes"? Or what? How would you move on from MM without it? I don't know about your other breakups but it's also one thing when it is mutual or amicable, maybe then LC or slowly weaning off thing works better in those contexts but NC is super effective (and necessary) when there is some great imbalance, i.e. one person who doesn't want things to end or as in the drama of As, where a friendship in light of your secret affair is not possible or where things aren't working out how you want so you have to end the A but in reality you still want to be with the person etc....in these kinds of cases, it is hard for me to imagine how you can jump from years long affair to being totally healed and fine while still trying to "be friends" or still being updated about this person's life etc.

Edited April 12, 2014 by MissBee

[Cocochai]

Put it this way... NC doesn't work for everyone. For me LC works because if we are truly trying to stop the A.. It will eventually fizzle out. I am not going to chase someone who doesn't want to be bothered so, I simply delete there contact info so I would not contact them (not block). In my case XMM said he was having issues in his M and wants to give 100% but still remain friends. I still have feelings for him so I've decided to not reach out and move on.

 

I have ex's that came back years later to reconnect and keep in contact. If ur the type to once have a deep connection with someone, only to have the ability to block out all those memories without getting hit in the head.. You have a rare talent.

 

My XMM use to discuss relationships he had in HS and told me he often wondered what happens to so so and and... He's Married. Always talking about how he was from his past.

 

I always tell myself if someone wants to leave my life... Let them, but to hold a grudge and become angry towards that person only prolongs you from moving on.

 

That way I choose LC.

 

And that's not to say if or when he reaches out, I will resume the A because it's a control of when he wants to stop and resume again on his terms. I never expected him to leave his BS but, I don't deserve to get the treatment I was receiving from him, and in his mind... I know he feels like I'm wrapped around his fingers when it comes to the s@x.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi SolG,

 

I agree with you... I am not convinced that NC is necessary "all the time". As others have alluded to, it's a great tool if you find yourself obsessing and don't have the strength to stop contacting him.

 

I managed to get through the breakups of my marriage and (years ago) long-term engagement and other serious relationships without NC (would in fact have never thought of it, and I don't think it was even being discussed then). In a way, in those breakups I think it might have even made things worse - even though I didn't have much contact with them after breakup, the whole artificial "counting the days" thing would have put too much focus on it for me. It was a lot easier to move on and focus on other things that way. Also, it was easier not to contact them if there was no 'rule' against it - if that makes sense.

[Cocochai]

Hi SolG,

 

I agree with you... I am not convinced that NC is necessary "all the time". As others have alluded to, it's a great tool if you find yourself obsessing and don't have the strength to stop contacting him.

 

I managed to get through the breakups of my marriage and (years ago) long-term engagement and other serious relationships without NC (would in fact have never thought of it, and I don't think it was even being discussed then). In a way, in those breakups I think it might have even made things worse - even though I didn't have much contact with them after breakup, the whole artificial "counting the days" thing would have put too much focus on it for me. It was a lot easier to move on and focus on other things that way. Also, it was easier not to contact them if there was no 'rule' against it - if that makes sense.

 

Yes that makes it harder to move on and then if you do decide to reach out... Or let's say they reach out and you respond..You tend to beat yourself up for just breaking a NC rule when in fact, the other person has no idea you are trying to forever block them from your life.

[SolG]

What is the alternative?

 

Now that is a GREAT question MissBee. I really don't know :-/

 

I've been reading a lot about breakups; but much of it just doesn't sit right with me. Like NC for instance.

 

I guess this is in part because I've never had a traumatic or entirely unexpected breakup. My relationships have all just kind of... petered out and died a natural death. Even though the end of my M was incredibly sad, it wasn't traumatic.

 

xH and I have been separated for an eternity now, and still haven't been longer than about a week at a time without at least a call. We still visit each other and each other's parents and siblings. We still spend Christmas together with our daughter as a family. Our relationship morphed from couple, to unhappy couple, to sibling-like, to solid family. I regard him as one of best people I will ever have the privilege of knowing; but neither of us has even a glimmer of romantic interest in the other. He actively dates; and as far as he's concerned I'm happily still ensconced in my me time and space.

 

Pretty much all of my relationships have been similarish; it's been a case of the relationship changing into something else, as opposed to just ceasing to be. In most they have gone on to morph into nothingness over time, and some of my exes I would still consider distant friends.

 

I know if this A ends, it's going to be different. I just don't really have my head around it yet.

Edited April 12, 2014 by SolG

[Patna]

I guess it really boils down to why you need to do it, and if ever you do it, the reason should be because of you.

 

I didn't believe in NC at first after his Dday, because I think that we can still be friends. I also very much want to stay connected to exMM, because I was still holding onto hopes of being together again. Even if we won't be together in future, at least the thought of still staying friends comfort me rather than being ousted completely out of his life.

 

I started NC 10 days ago again, for the 2nd time. The first time I did it, I was hoping he would come back. This time, I did it so I can learn to love myself. In that one year with him, whenever we broke up due to the pressures and guilt of the A, he would always reach out to me again and again. No matter how hurt and unhappy I was, whenever he reaches back, I would crumble to the emotionally unhealthy relationship again.

 

He messaged me on watsapp for the last 2 days, and I didn't reply. The reason for me not replying is not to play mind games, but so I won't give myself the opportunity to be emotionally manipulated anymore by him anymore. If i reply him, I know my heart would soften and I would throw away all my dignity this time. After all I'd been through, I know I had lost almost all my dignity to him, and I just wanna protect that little I have left.

 

LC works for some, NC works for some others. You need to know why you even need it in the first place, and it should always be about you, about loving yourself.

[txgrl]

NC just makes more sense in today's time and age because there are a 1000 ways in which APs can stay in touch now or be triggered , there's email, texting , social media etc. let's face if , 15 20 years ago , when you broke up with someone , if you weren't coworkers etc , the telephone was the only way to get in touch . It was way easier to cut off all ties and move on because the ties to be cut off were fewer , if that makes sense.

[Lady2163]

The absolute primary reason for NC, is so the affair doesn't resume.

 

Plain and simple.

 

I have had nasty breakups where the man and I are angry and never speak again. Personally, I don't think the anger and sadness that accompany those instances are at all healthy.

 

Now, some people may tout the only way for the Other (and the MM) to heal, refocus, learn to love themselves is to wipe that person out completely and immediately.

 

Assuming the person was not abusive, neglectful or narcissistic, I just don't believe in throwing anyone away.

 

It has been a little over 11 years since I let a negative man in my life. Now, mind you I've made some female friends and friends who were couples that I've had to ease myself away from after getting to know them. But, I don't let trash in my life. I've dodge some bullets. I will meet someone at a party, think they are compatible, meet them at a few more social events and eventually realize they are drama magnets and be able to scoot away without ever being actually involved with them.

 

I think NC done in anger with a MM or without any explanation (as can happen with a Dday) are so horribly detrimental. You may heal, you may move on and flourish, but I have to tell you, when it happens and you don't want it to happen, you carry that assault on your psyche for the rest of your life. Have it happen to you in both a couple of relationships AND with a couple of friends and 20 years later you end up a total commitment phobe with trust issues, have a long distance friendship with sex with a married man for 7 years, posting on an online site on a Saturday afternoon, sadly watching the Red Sox lose all by yourself...

[RickFox]

NC is not a panacea, just a necessity to move on.

[Poppy's sister]

solG,

 

What is it that has brought you to this point in your affair ?

N/c is possibly good if you want it to end and know it must for your peace of mind, but you fear being strong enough to follow through.

If it is because deep down you are hurting and want to hurt back or get his attentions ( oh yes I am guilty of that drama queen type behaviour now and agian:) then it possibly isn't right.

[Poppy's sister]

I have just gone back and read some o,d posts , and I can say Solg , that you and I in similar situations, mine is slightly different in the fact my mm and myself are both married . We continued our affair after his d day, and had vague plan that one day we would be together, as in 10 yrs maybe , when youngest kids left home. He had never future faked at all during our affair or in the aftermath of d day. We had honestly , as 2 grown ups, discussed being together then and had both agreed that the impact on our children would be too great. I dont agree with posters who say if some one really loved you they would leave their BS no matter what. Staying for the children is not always a bulls@@t excuse from a cake eater....sometimes it is the hardest thing .

So now 14 months later my mm's home situation is getting worse, wife is getting angrier and more controlling and he has started saying he is thinking that he can't do it any more and how he might minimise impact on children if he separates.

I find this hard , as want us to be together but also do not want to be the reason his kids lose the nuclear idyll.....

For me , I want a under one roof separation from my h , so my children do not lose their home etc.

So I am interested to know how it is going with your mm ?

[Fluttershy]

The title of the thread seems sort of flippant or sarcastic about NC which usually means someone has made up their mind already on the subject and won't be convinced otherwise.

 

If a DDay occured NC is usually enforced by the BS. We simply cannot heal and move forward at this point without knowing the interloper into the marriage has been cut off. Unfortunate it comes to it but it makes no sense to think in the majority of cases the AP can be around. If a WS ends te affair on there own they may establish NC because they know they cannot be divided between the two and have chosen to focus on their spouse. They may also see just how disrespectful keeping a friendship with the AP is after being involved. And then there are the all too common relapses.

 

Now AP enforced NC I think usually occurs when the AP realizes they want out but know they are too weak to remain friends. That being friends usually is still an EA and can turn in to a PA again or eveb for the first time. Or they see their MP is like alchohal and one sip like checking up is enough for them to be looking at the bottom of an empty bottle. Individuals are all different. But if a person hasn't established NC and keeps going in circles and not makin progress it probably would be good for them to consider NC.

 

It really is a tricky thing to me because i can see for the Ow initiated LC it is possible for It to work and an affair never to rekindle and the OW to move on and find a more satisfying relationship. But I would never encourage a WS to do such because I see it as being hugely disrespectful to their spouse whether the A was ever discovered or not.

 

If both the BS and the WS are okay with a friendship/working relationship/ ect that is a completely different story.

[SolG]

The title of the thread seems sort of flippant or sarcastic about NC which usually means someone has made up their mind already on the subject and won't be convinced otherwise.

 

If a DDay occured NC is usually enforced by the BS. We simply cannot heal and move forward at this point without knowing the interloper into the marriage has been cut off. Unfortunate it comes to it but it makes no sense to think in the majority of cases the AP can be around. If a WS ends the affair on there own they may establish NC because they know they cannot be divided between the two and have chosen to focus on their spouse. They may also see just how disrespectful keeping a friendship with the AP is after being involved. And then there are the all too common relapses.

 

Now AP enforced NC I think usually occurs when the AP realizes they want out but know they are too weak to remain friends. That being friends usually is still an EA and can turn in to a PA again or eveb for the first time. Or they see their MP is like alchohal and one sip like checking up is enough for them to be looking at the bottom of an empty bottle. Individuals are all different. But if a person hasn't established NC and keeps going in circles and not makin progress it probably would be good for them to consider NC.

 

It really is a tricky thing to me because i can see for the Ow initiated LC it is possible for It to work and an affair never to rekindle and the OW to move on and find a more satisfying relationship. But I would never encourage a WS to do such because I see it as being hugely disrespectful to their spouse whether the A was ever discovered or not.

 

If both the BS and the WS are okay with a friendship/working relationship/ ect that is a completely different story.

 

Yes fluttershy, I do see that the title of this thread sounds flippant. However, please be assured that I do not feel that way. IF this A ends, it is incredibly important to me that we try to do this in the best way possible for all concerned. Your comments have really made me think about whether it is indeed even possible to do this for ALL parties.

 

I'm beginning to think that it MAY be possible to end an A in kind of the way it started. Where in an A (well in mine at least), it was a more a gradual disregard for and knocking down of boundaries, it MAY be possible to go about deliberately rebuilding them. If that makes sense?

 

Sort of like in my M transition, where xH and I deliberately and respectfully rebuilt our relationship into one that is far healthier and constructive than our M ever was. I take joy in hearing about my xH's successes in all facets of his life, and he mine. And I think it could be absolutely be the case for MM and I too if he chooses a future without me as his partner. MM has already stated his preference for friendship if we decide to end the A. (To this point I've said emphatically NO to this proposal, but as you can see am now rethinking it; however, MM does not know this!)

 

BUT, in the aftermath of his DDay, MM did promise his W NC with me other than for necessary professional interactions (see my older threads). So to continue as friends would be as you say, a continued (beyond the current) betrayal of her trust. So also as you say, it would therefore be counterproductive to their reconciliation. And if he makes the decision to end the A to recommit to his M... we both believe he should REALLY commit. So... I guess that means NC with me will be necessary.

 

Right now MM and I have the luxury of a little time, and intent, for him to make his decision and for us to plan this out. I kind of see it going thus; decision point mid-this year... Then if he decides that he will recommit to his M, we farewell our A-proper, go back to EA, then friendship, then LC, then at the end of the year NC. End of story.

 

Then at some time in the future I will hope he lets me know he and his W are back on track and all is well. And I can tell him I'm doing well also. We will by necessity still have some professional contact anyway.

 

Of course, if we choose to pursue an enduring life partnership, whole other story and whole other line of planning.

 

I have been well and truly lambasted in my other thread on planning for... well... planning :-/ The counsel from a lot is invariably just END it and go NC already! I just don't see how that can ALWAYS be the right answer. I actually think that if more folk in As took the time to really examine the crappola context they find themselves in, then reflect and look ahead--rather than let themselves be totally reactive to events--there may be more 'happyish' endings. An A is still a human relationship after all and as such should not be immune from rational examination and strategy; isn't that what we all do in other LTRs, plan our future?

 

The more I reflect, the more prepared and stronger I feel about my whole A sitch. I can't plan for everything, but I can think contingently. It actually really helps with examining the thoughts and feelings surrounding the A, as opposed to just being a slave to them.

 

I know that anything other than full disclosure and a swift brutal ending will not accord with the expectations of some. I get that MM continuing to hide the true extent of our A from his W into the future is not fair... but that is for MM to contend with in his reconciliation process if he proceeds down that path. I would very much like to keep this thread focussed on OWs part in ending As.

 

Futtershy, thanks heaps for your input. I have found it really useful. It is invaluable to get balanced thoughts from those such as yourself on the BS side of the fence. And also to the rest of you who have all contributed so respectfully and thoughtfully without unnecessary judgement. I really appreciate it.

Edited April 13, 2014 by SolG