Jump to content

Affair was restarting - now it's over again


Recommended Posts

ExMM and I were at the beginning of resuming our affair with lots of talking and messaging. We even had a physical encounter this week. But he forgot to delete a message and his BS confronted him with it (she knew of the previous affair we had and put him on a tight leash and gave him one and only one chance). Now he is running away from me again and saying I didn't matter all over again - he says he was just weakened by the flirting. If I didn't matter, why did he risk everything to be with me again when she explicitly said he couldn't have anything to do with me whatsoever? I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round and can't get off. It feels like it will never end one way or another...

Edited by Tarnished
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

Considering this is his 2nd Dday, there's a pretty good chance that she's going to kick him out of the house and he's going to come running to you.

 

This D day shows you (again) that even though he right now HAS the opportunity to tell his wife that he prefers to be with you and wants a divorce, he's chosen not to and he's slammed you out of his life (again.).

 

Be prepared and also think about what you truly want. You may end up with him and not by his choice. Or, you can slam the door in his face and decide you're done once and for all.

 

T, I wish you strength to get through this and hope that you take time to detach and see things objectively before more drama comes your way.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
he says he was just weakened by the flirting. If I didn't matter, why did he risk everything to be with me again when she explicitly said he couldn't have anything to do with me whatsoever?

 

He was not thinking at all, he was just reacting and probably thought he could continue to deceive his wife and do as he pleased, continue with you and stay married. This is all about him. If he loved and respected his wife, truly wanted to stay married and committed to only her and their marriage, he would not have let the A happen again. he's selfish and doesn't care, he's (again) hurt both of you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

The message she saw looked worse on my part than his because I initiated it (although its content did still implicate him) so he's tried to explain his way out of it by saying I was overstepping the line by contacting him and he was just being friendly in his response. I think she sees through it though from what he's said about the questions she's asking. I'm worried that if she contacts me (she knows me) that I won't know who to protect - me or him. Do I take the fall for him or do I say that he is lying to her? He said today that she has him by the b*lls well and truly.

Edited by Tarnished
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

You be honest with her. Own your part in all this and let her know what he's told you. Don't protect him/lie for him. If you lie, that means you want the A to continue again once the coast is clear. I'm sure you're sick of second best/second fiddle and want a happy and healthy relationship with someone. though it won't be with him.

 

Do you want it over? Do you want him to divorce her and come to you? I'm really not sure what you want, the end game here.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
trailrunner1975

Don't take the fall for him but be honest with her if she contacts you. She gave him a second channce and he messed it up so he can deal with that himself. This type of fallout comes with the territory.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

It feels like it will never end one way or another...

 

 

 

It can end, you can end it-

You have seen from his behavior that he has no backbone, no boundaries and no respect-for you or his wife-

Do you really want that in a partner-

Start seeing him for who he really is and not who you hoped he would be-

 

Start your life and shot at a decent relationship with a decent person-

 

Worry not what is going to happen at him at home- it doesn't matter-he's not worthy of you-

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess

My xMM had a second mini DDay like this too (found evidence of NC broken 6 months after true DDay). He explained it & she didn't find any other evidence of us talking so it ended up blowing over, despite her allegedly giving him just one chance to R after DDay. If ever asked, I plan to maintain the same story even though he said I was the one who broke NC. At the end of the day, it's just semantics...she knows he responded and that he didn't tell her about it voluntarily, so I don't really care if she thinks I initiated it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He forgot to delete a message....

 

You do know, you're allowed to be pissed off, right?

 

If the relationship meant anything to him, he would be diligent in covering his tracks. My 7 year friendship with MM has had its moments like that and they caused a lot of drama. I asked him once if he was TRYING to get caught and he insisted he wasn't. He's just a 55+ year old man who isn't used to having to cover his tracks because he's always been pretty squeaky clean.

 

If she contacts you, what is the path of least drama? Let's be real here, she probably already doesn't think you are a good person, you've slept with her husband. Nothing you say or do will change that. If a lie is the least drama for YOU and if you believe the affair is over, then say it.

 

But, honesty might truly end the affair and give you a chance to move forward.

Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

she knows he responded and that he didn't tell her about it voluntarily, so I don't really care if she thinks I initiated it.

 

 

So true! My husband has always taken 100% of the responsibility for his actions and betrayal of ME- yes, she initiated the first contact but he and I both know he responded- I could blame her all day long and it would not change the fact that HE betrayed ME-not her, him! We have the power and responsibility to say no- we are adults-

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
You be honest with her. Own your part in all this and let her know what he's told you. Don't protect him/lie for him. If you lie, that means you want the A to continue again once the coast is clear. I'm sure you're sick of second best/second fiddle and want a happy and healthy relationship with someone. though it won't be with him.

 

Do you want it over? Do you want him to divorce her and come to you? I'm really not sure what you want, the end game here.

 

I wouldn't tell his BS NOTHING! She already knows she's married to a cheating husband. Her talking to her is only going to get in the way of probably what she truly wants to do... Leave.

 

She Married him not the OW. In situations where they catch them more them once it's really up to the BS rather she'll deal or walk away.

 

OP you have a chance to just walk away or keep helping him to cheat on his BS and keep you.

 

What exactly are you looking to get from the MM at this point? Are you looking for him to leave his BS?

Link to post
Share on other sites
whatatangledweb

Are you worried she will tell your husband ? I would guess he risked it for the same reason you did.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He forgot to delete a message....

 

You do know, you're allowed to be pissed off, right?

 

If the relationship meant anything to him, he would be diligent in covering his tracks. My 7 year friendship with MM has had its moments like that and they caused a lot of drama. I asked him once if he was TRYING to get caught and he insisted he wasn't. He's just a 55+ year old man who isn't used to having to cover his tracks because he's always been pretty squeaky clean.

 

 

She does have a right to be pissed off. But she should also be pissed off at herself. They should not be communicating in a manner where deleting is even a factor, especially after 1 dday. So, yes it would appear they were both unwittingly trying to get caught.

Link to post
Share on other sites
this auto show you exactly where you stand. enough said

 

How did you finally get over your OW? Looking for any help!

Link to post
Share on other sites
ExMM and I were at the beginning of resuming our affair with lots of talking and messaging. We even had a physical encounter this week. But he forgot to delete a message and his BS confronted him with it (she knew of the previous affair we had and put him on a tight leash and gave him one and only one chance). Now he is running away from me again and saying I didn't matter all over again - he says he was just weakened by the flirting. If I didn't matter, why did he risk everything to be with me again when she explicitly said he couldn't have anything to do with me whatsoever? I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round and can't get off. It feels like it will never end one way or another...

 

Why did he? Because you ALLOWED it.

 

After all - he needs his ego feed - and you're willing to provide that - but it has a price.

 

The question is - when will you think you deserve more than the crumbs he tosses your way?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
The message she saw looked worse on my part than his because I initiated it (although its content did still implicate him) so he's tried to explain his way out of it by saying I was overstepping the line by contacting him and he was just being friendly in his response. I think she sees through it though from what he's said about the questions she's asking. I'm worried that if she contacts me (she knows me) that I won't know who to protect - me or him. Do I take the fall for him or do I say that he is lying to her? He said today that she has him by the b*lls well and truly.

 

Be honest!

 

Just tell your truth.

Link to post
Share on other sites
jellybean89
ExMM and I were at the beginning of resuming our affair with lots of talking and messaging. We even had a physical encounter this week. But he forgot to delete a message and his BS confronted him with it (she knew of the previous affair we had and put him on a tight leash and gave him one and only one chance). Now he is running away from me again and saying I didn't matter all over again - he says he was just weakened by the flirting. If I didn't matter, why did he risk everything to be with me again when she explicitly said he couldn't have anything to do with me whatsoever? I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round and can't get off. It feels like it will never end one way or another...

 

Of course you can get off the merry-go-round. Stop participating in an affair.

 

Why do you continue to do it? Are you married? Why are you staying married versus getting a divorce?

 

Why are you risking your respect, dignity and reputation over a guy who so willingly dismisses you?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
How did you finally get over your OW? Looking for any help!

 

It took quite a while and dare I say I am over her? Probably not, but I am done with her. I don't have time in my life for someone who doesn't want me in theirs and it took a while to figure that out but when it clicked, it clicked.

 

The first year was hell, trying to make a marriage work that I wasn't emotionally invested in but here's where people screw up. You are constantly pining for that other person, remembering all the good, the wonderful times, the laughter,the mind blowing sex, but when it ends, and even how it ends, should be the part you focus on. When they turn on you, when they tell you you never meant a thing, when they belittle you or tell you never contact them again, those are the things that help you push onward.

 

Bearing in mind, my xmw was more than likely protecting herself when she did this, but she did it anyways, when she blew up at me for no reason, called me a stalker when I never have never will, told me to never contact her again, acted like she didn't know me until I baited her on FB and found out she was stalking me and the list goes on. So I ask myself, WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO ACTS LIKE THAT and the answer is/was, I wouldn't.

 

Sure I have bad days, triggers go off all the time, but I don't give them much credence these days. I wasted enough time mourning someone who in my mind, didnt give a crap about me when I had a woman at home who never gave up on me despite my betrayal. It's a choice, and I CHOOSE to focus on everything but xmw. You can be angry and sad and have those conversations in your head with the other party, God knows I did and sometimes do, but you have to choose to say goodbye.

 

I recently blocked her on FB and I don't do anything on it anyways but a friend once said, when you do something, you do it for you and not to get a reaction from her. And I did it for me because I found myself looking at her page, noticing that if I changed my profile pic, she did it too (and she never used to change it at all) so I began playing that game and then I slapped myself and said stop it! So there is no avenue left other than my phone and I know she memorized my number and there's nothing I can do but live MY life. So you have to ask yourself, do you choose to pine and be miserable, or do you choose ...you.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
It took quite a while and dare I say I am over her? Probably not, but I am done with her. I don't have time in my life for someone who doesn't want me in theirs and it took a while to figure that out but when it clicked, it clicked.

 

The first year was hell, trying to make a marriage work that I wasn't emotionally invested in but here's where people screw up. You are constantly pining for that other person, remembering all the good, the wonderful times, the laughter,the mind blowing sex, but when it ends, and even how it ends, should be the part you focus on. When they turn on you, when they tell you you never meant a thing, when they belittle you or tell you never contact them again, those are the things that help you push onward.

 

Bearing in mind, my xmw was more than likely protecting herself when she did this, but she did it anyways, when she blew up at me for no reason, called me a stalker when I never have never will, told me to never contact her again, acted like she didn't know me until I baited her on FB and found out she was stalking me and the list goes on. So I ask myself, WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO ACTS LIKE THAT and the answer is/was, I wouldn't.

 

Sure I have bad days, triggers go off all the time, but I don't give them much credence these days. I wasted enough time mourning someone who in my mind, didnt give a crap about me when I had a woman at home who never gave up on me despite my betrayal. It's a choice, and I CHOOSE to focus on everything but xmw. You can be angry and sad and have those conversations in your head with the other party, God knows I did and sometimes do, but you have to choose to say goodbye.

 

I recently blocked her on FB and I don't do anything on it anyways but a friend once said, when you do something, you do it for you and not to get a reaction from her. And I did it for me because I found myself looking at her page, noticing that if I changed my profile pic, she did it too (and she never used to change it at all) so I began playing that game and then I slapped myself and said stop it! So there is no avenue left other than my phone and I know she memorized my number and there's nothing I can do but live MY life. So you have to ask yourself, do you choose to pine and be miserable, or do you choose ...you.

 

 

I love you, Rick Fox----THANK YOU! Much needed today.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Obviously someone has him by the b***s because he clearly isn't capable of that himself. Get ready for him to lay the same trip on you he is trying on her when she throws his b**s in the gutter and calls a lawyer.

 

 

 

The message she saw looked worse on my part than his because I initiated it (although its content did still implicate him) so he's tried to explain his way out of it by saying I was overstepping the line by contacting him and he was just being friendly in his response. I think she sees through it though from what he's said about the questions she's asking. I'm worried that if she contacts me (she knows me) that I won't know who to protect - me or him. Do I take the fall for him or do I say that he is lying to her? He said today that she has him by the b*lls well and truly.
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Well since my last post everything has well and truly blown up!

 

After restarting our affair, MM ended it with me after his wife saw an email exchange between us and I tried to help him out by sending his wife an email to apologise and to tell her it was definitely over.

 

She told me I was a liar, etc etc and that he doesn't want me, etc. She said I had to stop chasing him - like I was some sexual predator stalking him (WTF!).

 

Turns out MM denied denied denied again that anything happened between us but this time I had proof (conversations, emails, etc). I didn't immediately send them to her, just gave her enough suggestive evidence that would really ring alarm bells and make her begin to see I was telling the truth.

 

But after some really nasty messages from her, I ended up sending her some of the conversations and emails.

 

Even in the face of very damning evidence he continued to still deny and after she confronted him AGAIN and he continued to lie - she ended up punching him out and knocked him unconscious!

 

He still continued lying for another two whole days - denying the affair had happened, until finally he came clean about everything.

 

More nasty messages between her and I ensued and then my hubby got involved and ended up speaking to her in person (calmly).

 

Meanwhile the lying cheating scumbag has refused to say anything at all to me about what has happened (just hidden behind his wife and let her abuse me). I've asked him to apologise for painting me as a liar and stalker but he refuses to say anything at all - just ignores me. His wife even encouraged him to have a conversation with me and understood why I was so angry with him and agreed he'd done the wrong thing by me.

 

We also even found out from his wife that they went to marriage counselling after my husband first told her of the affair and he lied to the counsellor, saying I was after him but he'd never done anything!

 

More conversations have taken place between his wife, my husband and her and I and the three of us have agreed there will be no more contact between any of us (he still hasn't said a word!). He's even started parking in a different place at work to purposely avoid running into me. He's since blocked my ph number and messages.

 

So there you go - a very cautionary tale of an affair gone spectacularly bad! It all blew up in the end and finally his wife knows the indisputable truth (3 months after she was first told by my husband and MM denied it).

 

MM has turned out to be someone I never ever thought he could be - a very pathetic and scared little man with no balls whatsoever. I cornered him the other day on our way out of work and told him exactly what I thought of him and he looked like he was actually shaking with fear!

 

I'm so glad his wife decked him - I just wish I had had that chance too!

 

Hell hath no fury...

 

Now we all move on, although I suspect my husband and my marriage will recover a lot quicker and healthier than theirs ever will - how can it when not only did he betray her with an affair, he then continued to lie about it for 3 months even after she kept asking him. How could you ever trust someone like again...

Edited by Tarnished
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The message she saw looked worse on my part than his because I initiated it (although its content did still implicate him) so he's tried to explain his way out of it by saying I was overstepping the line by contacting him and he was just being friendly in his response. I think she sees through it though from what he's said about the questions she's asking. I'm worried that if she contacts me (she knows me) that I won't know who to protect - me or him. Do I take the fall for him or do I say that he is lying to her? He said today that she has him by the b*lls well and truly.

 

Almost a year ago, I had somewhat love n lust all over my MM.

When we crossed the line...I became more n more needy of his attention.

But then I left him, 3x. And 2x his wife read our emails.

I told his wife I love him, but I wasn't his lover and not planning of making him leave her.

It was an honest answer except that I was his lover.

 

From his side, I was his lover...from my side he was just a married man whom I was so deeply in love and admired.

I also told her that it was just physical and that he was probably seeing someone else too. Of course he didn't. We were monogamous. BS would be less furious if she knows it was just a fling.

 

Then I fwded our email exchanges to him. A month after I left him for the 3rd time.

This is our 4th time resuming our A. I initiated it. He said he missed me as his lover bt I told him I am not going to let him make love to me. We have resumed it a month now...LC, means only 1-6emails during weekdays. And 5 dates within these 4 weeks. Just kisses and hugs.

 

Don't let her blame it all on you! Be cool and say it was just physical. Then leave him.

I also discovered that each time I left him, and then NC, I was able to slowly reduce my lust and love...slowly but sure detaching myself.

 

I'm sure you will too!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...