Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Just looking for some honest advice from OM/OW posters.....is it more common for the OW/OM or the MW/MM to break NC once an affair ends? Do you think it is influenced by whether or not a d-day happened? How long did it take for either party to break NC? You know my story so you know my reasons for asking! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 So far, IME, no MW has ever broken NC, though some did respond favorably to contact, indicating that they weren't averse to it, though apparently lacked the will or motivation to break NC themselves. This, to me, makes sense, since in my age group and demographic, women don't generally pursue men so it follows that a MW wouldn't break NC to contact an OM or pursue him in any substantive manner. I've only known a couple of serial MW's but this was consistent with them as well. When you're pursued, there's no reason to pursue. Always someone else to fill in. YMMV> 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 In our situation my H Ow is a MOW and she broke NC for the first time in 4 months. We had not heard from her at all in the 4 months. My H has not broken NC since it began and states that he has no interest in doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Well all depends on if the XMM/XMW is breaking NC because they genuinely miss you or because they know they can and resume the A again. In my case there was never a Dday but once his BS found evidence we broke it off because it's the right thing to do. We've both broken it off many times. But what I realized is that while he's trying to please the W, my feelings were starting to get disregarded and because my feelings had never changed I was still emotionally involved while it was starting to become just sex on his agenda with me. Every time I started to tell him how I felt, he disregarded my feelings and left me hanging only to come back later when he felt my emotions cooled down. Before the BS found evidence and said she would leave, he actually use to be there for me. It's hard to let go when it was good in the beg but reality is I will never get what I truly want out of him. And since he knows my pattern of taking him back, he I'm sure feels he has me wrapped around his fingers at this point. It's best to let go of the good, and move on. I'm still on the fence of blocking because I normally wouldn't respond to something I don't care to answer right away. Instead I'll keep telling myself everyday "I'll respond tomorrow" if he reaches out again to regain my power back and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Patna Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 But what I realized is that while he's trying to please the W, my feelings were starting to get disregarded and because my feelings had never changed I was still emotionally involved while it was starting to become just sex on his agenda with me. Every time I started to tell him how I felt, he disregarded my feelings and left me hanging only to come back later when he felt my emotions cooled down. Before the BS found evidence and said she would leave, he actually use to be there for me. It's hard to let go when it was good in the beg but reality is I will never get what I truly want out of him. And since he knows my pattern of taking him back, he I'm sure feels he has me wrapped around his fingers at this point. Cocochai, you are talking about my exMM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Cocochai, you are talking about my exMM Patna and Cocochai---are you both still NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Cocochai, you are talking about my exMM Other then when a Dday happens with no closure like in Mickey situation, it's also the worst situation because... they know your emotionally connected so when there's really no Dday but just no closure, makes us as the OW/OM hang on (even tho we don't want to). In my case I agreed to just be friends but I know what a true friend is and that we can never truly be friends so the "friends" is just another way to say "I'll be back to check on you". So for me to totally block means I have feelings for him. I block only crazy people. He's not crazy... Just wants sex. So if I respond or not yet make little small talk for ME.. It will help regain my control and move on. Now if my XMM comes back to apologies for how he ended the A the last time... Then I will let him know I'm aware at this point it's a game and I'm not interested anymore. I'm not telling anyone what they should do, but for ME this is my way to gain back my control. Blocking doesn't allowe to say how I've felt and move on. I've always taken him back with his BS apologies only for him to do the same things again over a 2 year period. And I'm pretty sure. He'll bother me again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Patna and Cocochai---are you both still NC? For me yes. If he reaches out you'll get an update on my part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 for me yes. If he reaches out you'll get an update on my part. sooooooooo proud of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 sooooooooo proud of you! Thank you Mickey and I'm proud of you too!!! Like I told you before don't feel bad about the breaking NC (Some of us has been there), You were real with your feelings and that's all I'm trying to be if the times comes that he tries to come crawling back. And if he doesn't, I move on and continue to workon myself before I enter a new promising relationship. But XMM's pattern, at some point he will try to resume A again. Link to post Share on other sites
Patna Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Patna and Cocochai---are you both still NC? Yes i'm still in NC. Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I've always been the one to break NC but then I've always been the one to start it too so maybe that's why? who knows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 We didn't go NC after the first D day but I did remove myself from the A in any way and became totally just a friend after D day. Our R then tapered off to very LC for many years (13). When we reconnected last spring I broke things off after ten days. While driving I pocket dialed him one afternoon about six weeks later, I think, but he didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. He called me the next day and we restarted our R. About six weeks-eight weeks later I again broke things off. Two and a half months later I called him to congratulate him about something big. We picked up where things had left off. We had 2nd D day Friday. Haven't gone NC, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 We didn't go NC after the first D day but I did remove myself from the A in any way and became totally just a friend after D day. Our R then tapered off to very LC for many years (13). When we reconnected last spring I broke things off after ten days. While driving I pocket dialed him one afternoon about six weeks later, I think, but he didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. He called me the next day and we restarted our R. About six weeks-eight weeks later I again broke things off. Two and a half months later I called him to congratulate him about something big. We picked up where things had left off. We had 2nd D day Friday. Haven't gone NC, though. Oh my gosh...what a rollercoaster! So, D-Day truly did not affect your relationship at all? I am so a minority with my story it is not even funny anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Oh my gosh...what a rollercoaster! So, D-Day truly did not affect your relationship at all? I am so a minority with my story it is not even funny anymore! Mickey please your situation isn't rare, you may find him to reach out in the future but, by then hopefully you will have moved on and the closure won't matter. But then again you may find yourself in a situation like others where he'll do everything to please his BS and the emotional connection is no longer there. Yet, your still holding on. It's going to take a long time to get over a 3 year relationship that just stopped suddenly. Take each day as a day to put your feelings aside for him. Easier said then done but I'd rather tell you that then to always question yourself on the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Mickey please your situation isn't rare, you may find him to reach out in the future but, by then hopefully you will have moved on and the closure won't matter. But then again you may find yourself in a situation like others where he'll do everything to please his BS and the emotional connection is no longer there. Yet, your still holding on. It's going to take a long time to get over a 3 year relationship that just stopped suddenly. Take each day as a day to put your feelings aside for him. Easier said then done but I'd rather tell you that then to always question yourself on the situation. I know I should be thankful Cocochai, but I still can't help but wish that he would contact me. I'm being honest, that's all. I'm still heartbroken. plain and simple. Trying to move ahead, but at a turtle's pace..... Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I know I should be thankful Cocochai, but I still can't help but wish that he would contact me. I'm being honest, that's all. I'm still heartbroken. plain and simple. Trying to move ahead, but at a turtle's pace..... Of course take as long as you can. And it's normal. Not getting the type of closure you wanted is always hard... If anyone else is saying its not I would tell them "The truth shall set you free". Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Oh my gosh...what a rollercoaster! So, D-Day truly did not affect your relationship at all? I am so a minority with my story it is not even funny anymore! Mickey, it hasn't been a roller coaster for me but has for him. I don't know how he's dealt with it. You aren't in a minority. Every situation is very different and unique. Mine is different, very different than most of what I read on here. And possibly yours is, too. I will offer you this to consider, though. Right after our second D day I didn't hear from him at all for two days. There were also two huge crises going on in his family at the time. The morning of the third day I was quite anxious about it, believing he was capitulating to her demand he not contact me. I decided that if he didn't call by the end of the day I would never speak to him again. Even if he came to my front door. (We are LD and he has shown up on my doorstep when we weren't "together" before). I would have done it, too! Anyway, he did end up calling me the third day. And I told him I needed to hear from him at least daily. (We usually talk many times a day). He replied that he wasn't sure that I'd wanted to hear from him during this time is why he hadn't called. And that he would call back that night to check on me. So, point is that I was surprised he'd thought I might not want to hear from him. What he has explained to me is that he doesn't want the ruckus in his and his W's R to spill over into our R. This is very far from anything I would ever have imagined. So, just as you are unique, Mickey, so is your MM and he may, probably does, have some very unique reason for not being in contact with you now. I still believe you'll hear from him at some point knowing what I know to be true about men. But, I hate to say it as I don't want to encourage you to think about that possibility. Imho, it's really best to focus on moving on. During the two days I didn't hear from him (the only time it's ever happened) I was mentally gathering my self esteem, slamming it into my luggage and just about to head out the door! Best to be that way for me. If I get really ticked off I can do things I couldn't do otherwise! Could it help you to become indignant with him? Like, how dare he!!!! (Maybe we should all pile on him here on LS!!!) I'm sure you have your own ways of coping, though, just a suggestion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Mickey, it hasn't been a roller coaster for me but has for him. I don't know how he's dealt with it. You aren't in a minority. Every situation is very different and unique. Mine is different, very different than most of what I read on here. And possibly yours is, too. I will offer you this to consider, though. Right after our second D day I didn't hear from him at all for two days. There were also two huge crises going on in his family at the time. The morning of the third day I was quite anxious about it, believing he was capitulating to her demand he not contact me. I decided that if he didn't call by the end of the day I would never speak to him again. Even if he came to my front door. (We are LD and he has shown up on my doorstep when we weren't "together" before). I would have done it, too! Anyway, he did end up calling me the third day. And I told him I needed to hear from him at least daily. (We usually talk many times a day). He replied that he wasn't sure that I'd wanted to hear from him during this time is why he hadn't called. And that he would call back that night to check on me. So, point is that I was surprised he'd thought I might not want to hear from him. What he has explained to me is that he doesn't want the ruckus in his and his W's R to spill over into our R. This is very far from anything I would ever have imagined. So, just as you are unique, Mickey, so is your MM and he may, probably does, have some very unique reason for not being in contact with you now. I still believe you'll hear from him at some point knowing what I know to be true about men. But, I hate to say it as I don't want to encourage you to think about that possibility. Imho, it's really best to focus on moving on. During the two days I didn't hear from him (the only time it's ever happened) I was mentally gathering my self esteem, slamming it into my luggage and just about to head out the door! Best to be that way for me. If I get really ticked off I can do things I couldn't do otherwise! Could it help you to become indignant with him? Like, how dare he!!!! (Maybe we should all pile on him here on LS!!!) I'm sure you have your own ways of coping, though, just a suggestion. Gotta love ya, speakingofwhich!....And, I do! Thank you for all the advice, support and encouragement to get thru this. It amazes me all the time how long this is taking to make even a tiny bit of progress. I NEVER could have imagined anything SO GOOD being SO BAD. Believe me, I try to get mad at him. My problem is that there is not a mean bone in my body---I'm a softie to the core. Which is all the reason why he had to know how much his comments after d-day were so hurtful ("I am so happy now! My marriage is the best ever! I am loving her agin! blah blah blah). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Gotta love ya, speakingofwhich!....And, I do! Thank you for all the advice, support and encouragement to get thru this. It amazes me all the time how long this is taking to make even a tiny bit of progress. I NEVER could have imagined anything SO GOOD being SO BAD. Believe me, I try to get mad at him. My problem is that there is not a mean bone in my body---I'm a softie to the core. Which is all the reason why he had to know how much his comments after d-day were so hurtful ("I am so happy now! My marriage is the best ever! I am loving her agin! blah blah blah). Well, you gotta know that wasn't him talking. It just wasn't. You're a person nobody, except one person, would ever want to hurt. And that's most likely where the words were being streamed from. And, yes, you don't have a mean bone in your body, it's evident! What a blessing for you to grace this earth! What a jerk! I have a real feisty friend who is cute as she can be. Whenever she thought a guy was misbehaving she would swear to "jerk a knot in 'im!!!" I'm not exactly sure what it meant or where the expression came from (hope it doesn't mean something naughty, would be embarrassing!) but it stuck with me in my head. We need to jerk a knot in your MM!!! Don't we? We could surround that man like a swarm of bees, sock it to 'im (whatever that means but it sure sounds good!) and then jerk a knot in 'im!!! We'll see if he chortles on about how happy he is then!!!:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 9, 2014 Author Share Posted April 9, 2014 Well, you gotta know that wasn't him talking. It just wasn't. You're a person nobody, except one person, would ever want to hurt. And that's most likely where the words were being streamed from. And, yes, you don't have a mean bone in your body, it's evident! What a blessing for you to grace this earth! What a jerk! I have a real feisty friend who is cute as she can be. Whenever she thought a guy was misbehaving she would swear to "jerk a knot in 'im!!!" I'm not exactly sure what it meant or where the expression came from (hope it doesn't mean something naughty, would be embarrassing!) but it stuck with me in my head. We need to jerk a knot in your MM!!! Don't we? We could surround that man like a swarm of bees, sock it to 'im (whatever that means but it sure sounds good!) and then jerk a knot in 'im!!! We'll see if he chortles on about how happy he is then!!!:lmao: speakingofwhich, you are just the sweetest thing! I Just love these friends on LS! HE always used to tell me that I had the kindest heart---it got me really far, huh? Anyway, I NEVER did anything wrong to him. NEVER EVER--there is nothing I could say I wish I did differently in the 3 1/2 years I was with him (except for sending that darn e-mail that she found!). He had all of me and was truly the center of my universe. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him---it was a once in a lifetime. I am convinced of that no matter what.... Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 speakingofwhich, you are just the sweetest thing! I Just love these friends on LS! HE always used to tell me that I had the kindest heart---it got me really far, huh? Anyway, I NEVER did anything wrong to him. NEVER EVER--there is nothing I could say I wish I did differently in the 3 1/2 years I was with him (except for sending that darn e-mail that she found!). He had all of me and was truly the center of my universe. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him---it was a once in a lifetime. I am convinced of that no matter what.... Hey Mickey, ex-MM used to say the same thing to me about having such a good heart. Sometimes it comes back to bite us in the a** though! You don't have to stop loving him, you just have to accept that there is no future to be had with him. You will get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Hey Mickey, ex-MM used to say the same thing to me about having such a good heart. Sometimes it comes back to bite us in the a** though! You don't have to stop loving him, you just have to accept that there is no future to be had with him. You will get there. Thanks HOPE....wish I could get tough...it would be a lot easier..... Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 What a jerk! I have a real feisty friend who is cute as she can be. Whenever she thought a guy was misbehaving she would swear to "jerk a knot in 'im!!!" I'm not exactly sure what it meant or where the expression came from (hope it doesn't mean something naughty, would be embarrassing!) but it stuck with me in my head. We need to jerk a knot in your MM!!! Don't we? We could surround that man like a swarm of bees, sock it to 'im (whatever that means but it sure sounds good!) and then jerk a knot in 'im!!! We'll see if he chortles on about how happy he is then!!!:lmao: It's a southern phrase. It means straighten someone out . They are going to tell them off. It can also mean they are going to be punished. That is when a parent tells their kids to knock it off or they will jerk a knot in their tail. So, not naughty at all 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 It's a southern phrase. It means straighten someone out . They are going to tell them off. It can also mean they are going to be punished. That is when a parent tells their kids to knock it off or they will jerk a knot in their tail. So, not naughty at all Thanks, watw! It's like me to use a word then learn it has a double meaning! Don't want to get sent home from LS! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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