Cocochai Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I have no desire to reach out to my XMM but... The desire for him to reach out. It's busy on the job and folks are irritating me yet I want him to reach out even tho I wont respond. (A bad game) Was it really just the attention I craved the most because over a course of two years I know he's a selfish person who just wants his cake. My problem is.. Why am I craving for him to reach out? Am I the only one who suffers from this? I need it to go away. I'm reaching out here rather then drive myself crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I have no desire to reach out to my XMM but... The desire for him to reach out. It's busy on the job and folks are irritating me yet I want him to reach out even tho I wont respond. (A bad game) Was it really just the attention I craved the most because over a course of two years I know he's a selfish person who just wants his cake. My problem is.. Why am I craving for him to reach out? Am I the only one who suffers from this? I need it to go away. I'm reaching out here rather then drive myself crazy. You've been around LS long enough to know that it's normal to want him to reach out. But you've also got enough experience with this very man to know it ends badly when he does. Your ow meltdown over the birthday text shows how crazy and desperate your siitch has become. From the way you have portrayed your MM, he does not seem to respect your feelings. I just see nothing good coming from any contact with this POS. I also think if he made contact now, you would respond "just a little." Take back your power. Don't initiate. Don't respond. Not now. Not ever. Stop the crazy. Start the bravery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I get this! I do want him to reach out to me. I don't want to spend all my time communicating with him, I just want him to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 No, you're not alone. For me, I know it's just because I feel lonely right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cocochai Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 You've been around LS long enough to know that it's normal to want him to reach out. But you've also got enough experience with this very man to know it ends badly when he does. Your ow meltdown over the birthday text shows how crazy and desperate your siitch has become. From the way you have portrayed your MM, he does not seem to respect your feelings. I just see nothing good coming from any contact with this POS. I also think if he made contact now, you would respond "just a little." Take back your power. Don't initiate. Don't respond. Not now. Not ever. Stop the crazy. Start the bravery. Your right! It's just that itch and the fact that at times I'm idle on the job. I'll get tru this but I needed to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 It's because you still want to be valued by him. Him reaching out means he is thinking of you, which validates your worth in a way. You need to figure out why his attention feels so valuable to you. What is it about him that makes his attention so special? When your attraction to something is not logical... you have to dig really deep to find out why. This is a common thing that many women go through, not only in affairs. Why do we still seek the attention or approval of someone who we know has questionable character and that has emotionally harmed us? Why don't we just write them off for good & move on? The answer is within you. Usually this illogical & unexplainable attraction is related to a similar relationship in your past. For example, lets say a MM did a lot of push-pull, showering his OW with attention one day, but ignoring her the next. The feelings of confusion, uncertainty, the feeling of needing reassurance, the feeling of wanting to be important, to matter to him... those may be the same feelings as someone that had an alcoholic mom. A mom who would be a great, loving mom on some days... only to be passed out & neglecting her children the next day. Those feelings (although unpleasant & not something any of us would say we seek out), are familiar, which attracts us. Some say it's because we want an opportunity to resolve the old pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cocochai Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 You've been around LS long enough to know that it's normal to want him to reach out. But you've also got enough experience with this very man to know it ends badly when he does. Your ow meltdown over the birthday text shows how crazy and desperate your siitch has become. From the way you have portrayed your MM, he does not seem to respect your feelings. I just see nothing good coming from any contact with this POS. I also think if he made contact now, you would respond "just a little." Take back your power. Don't initiate. Don't respond. Not now. Not ever. Stop the crazy. Start the bravery. I've read your story as well and I believe it's a little more difficult to deal when your the OW as oppose to being in an A as a MOW. You had your husband/kids to fully distract you from making NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I've read your story as well and I believe it's a little more difficult to deal when your the OW as oppose to being in an A as a MOW. You had your husband/kids to fully distract you from making NC. I'd hate to speak for MOW's, but I could imagine that having a husband and kids while in an A would add a different level of difficulty to everything, not just NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cocochai Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 It's because you still want to be valued by him. Him reaching out means he is thinking of you, which validates your worth in a way. You need to figure out why his attention feels so valuable to you. What is it about him that makes his attention so special? When your attraction to something is not logical... you have to dig really deep to find out why. This is a common thing that many women go through, not only in affairs. Why do we still seek the attention or approval of someone who we know has questionable character and that has emotionally harmed us? Why don't we just write them off for good & move on? The answer is within you. Usually this illogical & unexplainable attraction is related to a similar relationship in your past. For example, lets say a MM did a lot of push-pull, showering his OW with attention one day, but ignoring her the next. The feelings of confusion, uncertainty, the feeling of needing reassurance, the feeling of wanting to be important, to matter to him... those may be the same feelings as someone that had an alcoholic mom. A mom who would be a great, loving mom on some days... only to be passed out & neglecting her children the next day. Those feelings (although unpleasant & not something any of us would say we seek out), are familiar, which attracts us. Some say it's because we want an opportunity to resolve the old pain. I understand in my case it has nothing to do with a bad childhood but just choosing bad boys through-out my life. The excitement of the relationship yet I can't take the emotional roller coaster. Some days I forget about him and others like today I'm sinking.. It's a work in progress but I can't move on until I fight this first. I've tried to move on with a nice guy and I pushed him away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cocochai Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 It's because you still want to be valued by him. Him reaching out means he is thinking of you, which validates your worth in a way. You need to figure out why his attention feels so valuable to you. What is it about him that makes his attention so special? When your attraction to something is not logical... you have to dig really deep to find out why. This is a common thing that many women go through, not only in affairs. Why do we still seek the attention or approval of someone who we know has questionable character and that has emotionally harmed us? Why don't we just write them off for good & move on? The answer is within you. Usually this illogical & unexplainable attraction is related to a similar relationship in your past. For example, lets say a MM did a lot of push-pull, showering his OW with attention one day, but ignoring her the next. The feelings of confusion, uncertainty, the feeling of needing reassurance, the feeling of wanting to be important, to matter to him... those may be the same feelings as someone that had an alcoholic mom. A mom who would be a great, loving mom on some days... only to be passed out & neglecting her children the next day. Those feelings (although unpleasant & not something any of us would say we seek out), are familiar, which attracts us. Some say it's because we want an opportunity to resolve the old pain. I'd hate to speak for MOW's, but I could imagine that having a husband and kids while in an A would add a different level of difficulty to everything, not just NC. Not speaking for ALL MOW and I'm not saying it's not just as difficult if more... But when you say enough is enough and want to make it right for your family. NC is more easy then a OW in my opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) It's because you still want to be valued by him. Him reaching out means he is thinking of you, which validates your worth in a way. Those feelings (although unpleasant & not something any of us would say we seek out), are familiar, which attracts us. Some say it's because we want an opportunity to resolve the old pain. Great post Quiet Storm and it pretty much sums up my past A. I was trying to resolve old pain of feelings of rejection by my dad. It has haunted me in every relationship including my M. Edited April 1, 2014 by ladydesigner 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) Not speaking for ALL MOW and I'm not saying it's not just as difficult if more... But when you say enough is enough and want to make it right for your family. NC is more easy then a OW in my opinion. Maybe? I don't want to start any sort of "it's harder as an XYZ" type of conversation; I don't really think it matters, to be honest. In some ways, I think it's probably true that it's harder as a single OW -- you're on your own more, so there are fewer distractions, and I imagine the feeling of isolation can be strong. In some ways, I think it's probably true that it's harder as a MOW -- you have to deal with either the fallout of D-day or the efforts of putting on a mask for your H and family. Really, it doesn't matter. Nobody wins in the fallout of an affair. I've seen that pretty clearly in my own. I'm a mess, my xAP is a mess, neither of our spouses know yet, but they certainly aren't coming out ahead here. I'm trying to come up with a way of phrasing this without stealing the song title, but am drawing a blank: everybody hurts. Back to the original topic though: YES, I know exactly how you feel. I'm forcing my way through NC, but it is so so painful. I keep wishing he would reach out. Edited April 1, 2014 by Waverly 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I understand in my case it has nothing to do with a bad childhood but just choosing bad boys through-out my life. The excitement of the relationship yet I can't take the emotional roller coaster. Some days I forget about him and others like today I'm sinking.. It's a work in progress but I can't move on until I fight this first. I've tried to move on with a nice guy and I pushed him away. OK. I understand. I still think it would benefit you to dig deeper. You have chosen bad boys throughout your life. You can accept that you choose them for excitement, but WHY do you crave that excitement? That is the question. Why do you feel an attraction to that instead of seeking a stable, consistent relationship? It's possible to change those thought patterns and attractions so that you will be attracted to nice guys. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Your right! It's just that itch and the fact that at times I'm idle on the job. I'll get tru this but I needed to vent. You're wise to use LS as your scratch post then. Meow .... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cocochai Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 OK. I understand. I still think it would benefit you to dig deeper. You have chosen bad boys throughout your life. You can accept that you choose them for excitement, but WHY do you crave that excitement? That is the question. Why do you feel an attraction to that instead of seeking a stable, consistent relationship? It's possible to change those thought patterns and attractions so that you will be attracted to nice guys. Don't get me wrong, I do crave the same type of marriage my parents had but I also have a high sex drive. XMM fulfilled that as well and it's important to me in a relationship. I don't go from relationship to relationship and when I did meet a nice guy... He lacked in that department and it broke my NC for the XMM again. So there... I think I nailed it. Lol I don't want anyone in a M and in an A to think I don't have compassion for their situation as well.. It's just that when Sunburn said she knew my story, and I remembered their story I can't compare being in a M and in an A as a OW so that's where that came from. I feel 100% compassion tho. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I've read your story as well and I believe it's a little more difficult to deal when your the OW as oppose to being in an A as a MOW. You had your husband/kids to fully distract you from making NC. That's funny. My H and kids couldn't even stop me from having an A. A little texting is a much lower hurdle. Seriously, however, I appreciate what you're saying. But the fact is no one but you can make you stay NC. I could argue that you are free to pursue new activities, chase new dreams, meet fascinating people whereas I don't have that same freedom. I have a lot of people to take care of. It is almost certain he will reach out again. I just want to remind you what an azzhat he is (based on what you've said). Single or married, it is up to the individual to recognize a bad situation, leave and remain NC. Let's not make it a contest as to who has a easier time during affair fallout. The A is an equal opportunity destroyer. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cocochai Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 That's funny. My H and kids couldn't even stop me from having an A. A little texting is a much lower hurdle. Seriously, however, I appreciate what you're saying. But the fact is no one but you can make you stay NC. I could argue that you are free to pursue new activities, chase new dreams, meet fascinating people whereas I don't have that same freedom. I have a lot of people to take care of. It is almost certain he will reach out again. I just want to remind you what an azzhat he is (based on what you've said). Single or married, it is up to the individual to recognize a bad situation, leave and remain NC. Let's not make it a contest as to who has a easier time during affair fallout. The A is an equal opportunity destroyer. I agree Married or single it's still up to the individual to act on ending the A once and for all. I applause you for doing NC and sticking to it as well. This forum gives great advice and... My itch has gone away. I come here for support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I crave attention from my MM...even though we are NC and I blocked him. It is like a drug addiction. I'm definitely having withdrawals. Checking my email even though any email address I know he has I've blocked. Makes no sense. I guess I want desperately to know that I meant something to him. I want him to miss me and not just settle back into the routine. It isn't healthy for me to think this way...to truly recover is to make him not matter. I've been trying to distract myself today...took my depressed a$$ out for a long walk, cleaned...it did help, but the minute my phone rings, I'm right back to obsessing. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I crave attention from my MM...even though we are NC and I blocked him. It is like a drug addiction. I'm definitely having withdrawals. Checking my email even though any email address I know he has I've blocked. Makes no sense. I guess I want desperately to know that I meant something to him. I want him to miss me and not just settle back into the routine. It isn't healthy for me to think this way...to truly recover is to make him not matter. I've been trying to distract myself today...took my depressed a$$ out for a long walk, cleaned...it did help, but the minute my phone rings, I'm right back to obsessing. Just wanted to say that some of this obsessing is normal and it does diminish over time. It took a year or two for no more thoughts about the xOM. Today I rarely if ever think of the A and I do not harbor any ill will or fond feelings 6 years later. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Just wanted to say that some of this obsessing is normal and it does diminish over time. It took a year or two for no more thoughts about the xOM. Today I rarely if ever think of the A and I do not harbor any ill will or fond feelings 6 years later. Thanks for this. I hope it is true in my case. I don't want to be obsessing about him for years to come. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Originally Posted by sunburned View Post You've been around LS long enough to know that it's normal to want him to reach out. But you've also got enough experience with this very man to know it ends badly when he does. Your ow meltdown over the birthday text shows how crazy and desperate your siitch has become. From the way you have portrayed your MM, he does not seem to respect your feelings. I just see nothing good coming from any contact with this POS. I also think if he made contact now, you would respond "just a little." Take back your power. Don't initiate. Don't respond. Not now. Not ever. Stop the crazy. Start the bravery. I've read your story as well and I believe it's a little more difficult to deal when your the OW as oppose to being in an A as a MOW. You had your husband/kids to fully distract you from making NC. The above is true however, as a MOW I feel that it would be easier if I was single because I had the opportunity to find someone else if I wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
movingon45 Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I have no desire to reach out to my XMM but... The desire for him to reach out. It's busy on the job and folks are irritating me yet I want him to reach out even tho I wont respond. (A bad game) Was it really just the attention I craved the most because over a course of two years I know he's a selfish person who just wants his cake. My problem is.. Why am I craving for him to reach out? Am I the only one who suffers from this? I need it to go away. I'm reaching out here rather then drive myself crazy. Oh that ITCH yes. I use this forum for that. One funny advice is to have your nails done - that way you can't text for an our and then hopefully the itch goes away! LOL. I am exactly going through this right now! I want exactly what you want! For him to make contact and then I'll ignore....but I know not for long!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotOW35 Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Fighting with my married boyfriend right now. His divorce is taking forever and he is getting creamed by his wife. Told him I didn't want to hear it and told myself I"d not talk to him for a week. Its been 3 days so far. Sucks.l Keep going to text but stop my self Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I have no desire to reach out to my XMM but... The desire for him to reach out. Perfectly NORMAL and not at all uncommon. My problem is.. Why am I craving for him to reach out? Validation. Am I the only one who suffers from this? Nope. Its true of everyone who has ever been dumped really. It'll pass. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cocochai Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 Oh that ITCH yes. I use this forum for that. One funny advice is to have your nails done - that way you can't text for an our and then hopefully the itch goes away! LOL. I am exactly going through this right now! I want exactly what you want! For him to make contact and then I'll ignore....but I know not for long!!! If I could turn my phone off that would be even better but I know my mother would go crazy if she couldn't reach me. Link to post Share on other sites
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