Jump to content

Need . No One Else To Turn To


Recommended Posts

Stay Strong

This is a long story, so I'll be as brief as possible without leaving much out. I do not have a family to turn to (deceased), and I'd rather not air my dirty laundry to my friends. Please try to be nice? Thanks in advance for any help!

 

1. I have post-traumatic stress disorder. I was sexually abused as a child. I was physically abused all through childhood and teen years. I was emotionally and verbally abused, as well. In my 20's, I was held captive in an apartment in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I was raped brutally many times, beaten, and starved for a long time before I was able to escape.

 

2. I have cleaned up my life and am married to a man. We have a daughter together (age 7). Husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2.

 

3. I was not in a healthy frame of mind just yet when I met my now-husband. I've been going to therapy for a long time now, have given in and been on medications for 3 years now to cope with ptsd. I married my husband when I was also not in a healthy state of mind.

 

4. My husband was an alcoholic who was very very mean when he was drunk. I also found out he was smoking vast amounts of weed; wasting our money. I left him in a separation in 2012 because of his addictions.

 

5. I struck up a close relationship with a (male) friend whom I've known over a decade during the separation.

 

6. Over time, my feelings for this "other man" have grown intensely.

 

7. I was threatened and pressured by my husband and his family not to go through with the divorce. It was so awful that I eventually gave in just to escape the horrible way I was feeling, but I never stopped having feelings for this "other man".

 

8. 2 years later, the "other man" and I are still talking, but nothing sexual, nothing flirtatious, nothing to infringe on my marriage.

 

9. Recently though, the "other man" and I revealed to each other that we have romantic feelings towards one another that never stopped since 2012.

 

10. He is a very good man. Marine, Staff Sergeant. Goes to college and gets excellent grades. Has a beautiful daughter and is a wonderful father. Recently came back tot he U.S. from overseas and will now be working for the sheriff's dept. Caring, loyal, trustworthy.

 

11. My husband on the other hand, is a liar and always sneaks behind my back. for ptsd, I take Xanax to help cope with flashbacks, nightmares, anxieties, etc. My husband steals the pills. he stole so many last month that I had to go 5 days without Xanax suddenly and had awful withdrawal symptoms. It wasn't until the 6th day that he admitted he'd taken "some" and he had a 1/2 left...gave it to me. Very weird, very dishonest.

 

12. Lost of dishonesty, lots of hurt, lots of mistrust.

 

13. My therapist who is networked with my Catholic church's parish knows my husband and has suggested I start planning a divorce from him. (For more stuff than I can type here).

 

14. The Marine wants me to be in his and his daughter's life. She knows me. My daughter knows Tim.

 

15. Please, any advice. I am desperate. No family, otherwise I would not reach out to strangers. Thanks so much.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Stay Strong,

 

A few questions that are important in order to help you.

 

1. Do you consider yourself a devout Catholic? If so, you probably will need to look at getting an annulment of your marriage rather than just a legal divorce. Your comments about "not being in a healthy frame of mind" could be an indication that your marriage was not valid in church terms. If getting remarried outside the church is not a major concern for you, then this is less important.

 

2. Is the other man currently married? That isn't clear from your post.

 

3. Please clarify the timing on your daughter that you have together with your husband. Is he the biological father of your daughter? Not clear because you state that she is 7, but you and your husband have been together for 6 years. When did you first meet him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Stay Strong

Oh gosh, you're right I'm sorry. I left those details out. The other man is not married, nor has he ever been. My husband is the legally-adoptive father of my daughter. Her biological father was the one that had me held captive and rape was involved. He is not on her birth certificate, and he I have terminated his parental rights. He has no contact with us at all. Sorry I didn't clarify :/

Link to post
Share on other sites

Considering the total abuse life has offered you without your asking for it I say break ANY part of the cycle that you are wrapped up in.

 

Divorce the Bugger. Yes there is pain and conflict around it, it will go away when it's signed and sealed and delivered. People always step up the escalation of anger and conflict when something that is beyond their control is coming down. It will end when you end the marriage.

 

I say go and find a life as quickly as possible with a man who you believe you can crawl into a bed with and be safe, and snuggle, and loving. Im not even thinking of the physical. You deserve a break and to be in a space you feel completely and utterly SAFE.

 

I wish you only happiness in your decision.

 

Oh gosh, you're right I'm sorry. I left those details out. The other man is not married, nor has he ever been. My husband is the legally-adoptive father of my daughter. Her biological father was the one that had me held captive and rape was involved. He is not on her birth certificate, and he I have terminated his parental rights. He has no contact with us at all. Sorry I didn't clarify :/
Link to post
Share on other sites
PhoenixRise

It sounds like you have been through hell and I am sorry you suffered through all of that.

 

Honestly

 

I think you should divorce your husband. It sounds like you don't want to be with him and felt pressured by his family to stay.

 

I know it is hard when you want to be loved and you feel like you have been deprived of love for a long time, but I think you shouldn't rush into anything with the other man.

 

Spend some serious time on yourself, getting yourself mentally and emotionally healthy. Spend some time getting comfortable in your own skin. I think it will be time well spent. I think if you get healthy on your own first you will have a much better chance of having a healthy loving relationship with this man down the road (or with somebody else if it doesn't work out with him)

 

I saw in your original post where you said you were not in a healthy frame of mind when you met your husband......well, you were/are not in a healthy frame of mind with this new guy either. You just aren't.

 

I'm not saying divorce your husband and cut this new guy completely out of your life.

 

I'm saying divorce your husband and focus on yourself and getting healthy. If this new guy really cares for you he will understand and support you in taking the time you need and he will see it as a necessary investment in a happy future for the two of you.

 

Good luck

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Stay Strong

Your response almost made my eyes tear up. Thank you. After a lot of abuse in life, it's hard to value yourself, so I truly appreciate your kind and thoughtful words.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Stay Strong

I saw in your original post where you said you were not in a healthy frame of mind when you met your husband......well, you were/are not in a healthy frame of mind with this new guy either. You just aren't.

 

I'm not saying divorce your husband and cut this new guy completely out of your life.

 

I'm saying divorce your husband and focus on yourself and getting healthy. If this new guy really cares for you he will understand and support you in taking the time you need and he will see it as a necessary investment in a happy future for the two of you.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you, and you are absolutely right. I have talked to the "new man" about wanting to get completely healthy. He knows that I am currently undergoing intensive trauma therapy, and he is more than willing to wait. Since he is a Marine, he has experience with ptsd himself, so he completely understands.

 

Thank you so much for your realistic, thoughtful advice.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, so I was abused/manipulated as a teen and it took me almost 30 years to get healthy.

 

Break the cycle and pattern of victimization. You can do this. I separated from my husband twice before the third time stuck. I have been divorced, but not annulled for 14+ years. My family pressured me to stay with him. He was horribly neglectful.

 

There were three abusive boyfriends all in separate ways after the divorce. They continued to teach me as to what I will NOT cope with.

 

Now, I'm in my 40s. My body and looks aren't as good as they once were, but my self esteem is. My language skills have drastically improved. I've been ready for Mr. Right for years, but can't seem to find him. Now, I wouldn't give up those 5 years of not really having a steady relationship for anything.

 

I may not be as good looking as I was in my 30s, but I bring a lot more to the table than I once did. Financial solvency. Communication skills. Time management skills. Limit setting. I won't say I've eliminated all the demons from my past, I actually want to find a counselor and begin at the beginning, which may be a distant father or may be a 35 year old married man who seduced a naive, never-been-kissed 16 year old and go through things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Stay Strong

Aw, Lady I'm sorry that you went through that. :( But also, I am glad you got out of it. You sound as though you are very proud of who you are today, which is amazing. Looks don't matter, by the way ;) You sound like you have an awful lot to bring to the table for ANY man. And if it doesn't happen soon...so what? You have truly blossomed! <3

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...