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Low contact continues [update]


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Hope Shimmers

So ex-mm sent me a package yesterday. In it were lots of things that pertain to the hobby we enjoy together (gifts, and things that he knew would be meaningful to me).

 

There is no chance that we will ever resurrect the A, for many reasons both his and mine. We both hated the affair, and more is not possible. But we have - after many years - managed to get the friendship back that we originally had. The boundaries are clear on both sides and he is very much into putting efforts into his marriage, even though he is not happy. I am dating someone else (although not seriously yet).

 

Sometimes - very occasionally - I think that maybe in 20 years things will work out and we can be together. But it's just a fleeting thought, and I know it won't happen - even more, I know I would likely not want it to happen.

 

I know that ex-MM doesn't send these gifts or do these things for me in order to get the affair back. But I will admit that it has helped immensely to know that he still cares as a friend.

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I think thats great. My xeap and I have been writing daily after nc to break the A.

There has been no flirting at all, nothing but weather & work talk, its refreshing in many ways.

Saw him finally after 6 months with many.mutual friends. It was crazy. We would get a minute alone & stare at eachother, no words.

He reached for my hand twice & led me through a crowd.

Also surreal.

I think Hope it doesnt just die....the feelings.

Some friend ships exist still to keep the door open to more cake eating and some friendships exist because the bond was genuine & yours looks to be the real kind.

Good for you!

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So ex-mm sent me a package yesterday. In it were lots of things that pertain to the hobby we enjoy together (gifts, and things that he knew would be meaningful to me).

 

There is no chance that we will ever resurrect the A, for many reasons both his and mine. We both hated the affair, and more is not possible. But we have - after many years - managed to get the friendship back that we originally had. The boundaries are clear on both sides and he is very much into putting efforts into his marriage, even though he is not happy. I am dating someone else (although not seriously yet).

 

Sometimes - very occasionally - I think that maybe in 20 years things will work out and we can be together. But it's just a fleeting thought, and I know it won't happen - even more, I know I would likely not want it to happen.

 

I know that ex-MM doesn't send these gifts or do these things for me in order to get the affair back. But I will admit that it has helped immensely to know that he still cares as a friend.

 

Hope...how many years of NC did you have before you were able to become friends again? I guess I'm too early in the process to even imagine it, but it's what I want so very much.

 

I guess my question is....we all hear NC is the only way to go after an affair ends. Yet, I'm seeing that so many now have been able to become friends with LC.

 

Can you and others who have done this shed some advice on how that happens? Is NC needed first? Did your exMM reach out first to resume a friendship? I guess I thought NC meant NC forever? So, now I'm confused....sigh.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

Edited by Mickey1982
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Hope Shimmers

Thanks for the replies... I sometimes hesitate to say these things because I know they go directly in the face of 'no contact'.

 

I was never a huge fan of 'no contact'. I tried it and failed many times. But remember that I am years out from an affair that in itself lasted years, so no contact happened naturally throughout this process.

 

My situation is different from any other I have read on here, at least right now, because of the length of it and how things have ended up. So I try to add an alternative perspective from the usual.

 

Mickey - we did 'no contact' for many months. In the end the friendship prevailed, but the boundaries to that had to be VERY well defined. Let me tell you - that is hard. When you want so much more from someone, when you are used to hearing "I love you" and you don't hear it anymore. When you go back to "just" being friends.

 

It is what we have now. It will NEVER be more. The lines and boundaries are clearly drawn, even though I know how much we both would love more, it will never be such, and it is not meant to be. It takes awhile to accept that and it may be more than many people want to deal with. For us - for me - having the friendship that we initially had again has been worth it.

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Thanks for the replies... I sometimes hesitate to say these things because I know they go directly in the face of 'no contact'.

 

I was never a huge fan of 'no contact'. I tried it and failed many times. But remember that I am years out from an affair that in itself lasted years, so no contact happened naturally throughout this process.

 

My situation is different from any other I have read on here, at least right now, because of the length of it and how things have ended up. So I try to add an alternative perspective from the usual.

 

Mickey - we did 'no contact' for many months. In the end the friendship prevailed, but the boundaries to that had to be VERY well defined. Let me tell you - that is hard. When you want so much more from someone, when you are used to hearing "I love you" and you don't hear it anymore. When you go back to "just" being friends.

 

It is what we have now. It will NEVER be more. The lines and boundaries are clearly drawn, even though I know how much we both would love more, it will never be such, and it is not meant to be. It takes awhile to accept that and it may be more than many people want to deal with. For us - for me - having the friendship that we initially had again has been worth it.

 

 

I can see where you got to the point you are at, Hope.

 

Just curious, do you think that after NC it is possible for MOST to resume a LC relationship or do you think that it is truly the exception?

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Hope Shimmers
I can see where you got to the point you are at, Hope.

 

Just curious, do you think that after NC it is possible for MOST to resume a LC relationship or do you think that it is truly the exception?

 

I honestly don't know. I haven't seen enough other examples.

 

But you seem like an example of a similar relationship, which is why I was drawn to your story. I hope that it happens for you, if that ends up being the best outcome.

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Mickey - we did 'no contact' for many months. In the end the friendship prevailed, but the boundaries to that had to be VERY well defined. Let me tell you - that is hard. When you want so much more from someone, when you are used to hearing "I love you" and you don't hear it anymore. When you go back to "just" being friends.

 

It is what we have now. It will NEVER be more. The lines and boundaries are clearly drawn, even though I know how much we both would love more, it will never be such, and it is not meant to be. It takes awhile to accept that and it may be more than many people want to deal with. For us - for me - having the friendship that we initially had again has been worth it.

 

Hope, he is simply so sweet! I agree that being friends is so hard, not to mention hurtful, when you no longer hear the words you so craved for anymore. It hurts too much for me, and you're right, more than what I would want to deal with.

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Hope Shimmers
Hope, he is simply so sweet! I agree that being friends is so hard, not to mention hurtful, when you no longer hear the words you so craved for anymore. It hurts too much for me, and you're right, more than what I would want to deal with.

 

Thank you Patna. But he hasn't always been sweet. In fact he has been a real a**hole at times. It has been a long journey.

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Hope...how many years of NC did you have before you were able to become friends again? I guess I'm too early in the process to even imagine it, but it's what I want so very much.

 

I guess my question is....we all hear NC is the only way to go after an affair ends. Yet, I'm seeing that so many now have been able to become friends with LC.

 

Can you and others who have done this shed some advice on how that happens? Is NC needed first? Did your exMM reach out first to resume a friendship? I guess I thought NC meant NC forever? So, now I'm confused....sigh.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Mickey, you are so newly out of a LTA and I can see how desperately you want for it to have mattered. Just keep in mind that situations like Hope's and herself's are unusual, spanning more than a decade or even two. And herself's relationship was an EA, so I think that makes it easier to move backward.

When you say "I'm seeing that so many now have been able to become friends with LC," I would counter that there so many other threads currently running on the misery caused by LC (broken princess, patna, waverly, cocochai .. just to name a few). Hope's affair/friendship has ebbed and flowed over 20 years, I believe. And she suggested it happened organically with a lot of heartache along the way. I just hate to see you, marking off future dates on a calendar ... like ok, i will begin LC in October 2015. He is married. You need to let him come to you. And I wouldn't even think about giving him the time of day unless two years have passed.

 

I believe for most people most of the time, NC really is the safest bet.

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I honestly don't know. I haven't seen enough other examples.

 

But you seem like an example of a similar relationship, which is why I was drawn to your story. I hope that it happens for you, if that ends up being the best outcome.

 

 

OMG, HOPE! You have NO IDEA how similar we are!!!!! I hesitate to post it here just because I would be divulging one if not the main reason my exMM ended our relationship (and decided he needed to 'love' his wife).

 

Let's just say that when I read one of your posts from the summer of 2012, I could have written it myself!

Edited by Mickey1982
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Mickey, you are so newly out of a LTA and I can see how desperately you want for it to have mattered. Just keep in mind that situations like Hope's and herself's are unusual, spanning more than a decade or even two. And herself's relationship was an EA, so I think that makes it easier to move backward.

When you say "I'm seeing that so many now have been able to become friends with LC," I would counter that there so many other threads currently running on the misery caused by LC (broken princess, patna, waverly, cocochai .. just to name a few). Hope's affair/friendship has ebbed and flowed over 20 years, I believe. And she suggested it happened organically with a lot of heartache along the way. I just hate to see you, marking off future dates on a calendar ... like ok, i will begin LC in October 2015. He is married. You need to let him come to you. And I wouldn't even think about giving him the time of day unless two years have passed.

 

I believe for most people most of the time, NC really is the safest bet.

 

Thank you sunburned. I know it's best and honestly, I do not see him breaking NC. I SO wish he would because of my own foolish reasons. I want to know he is happy. I want to know he still cares. I want to know why he was so mean after d-day and the list goes on..... He promised we'd be friends forever n could never imagine us not being in each other's lives.but, he changed after d-day and I have not heard from him albeit some texts and two phone calls right after. We are NC for over 10 weeks now.

 

The only thing is that I WILL not break NC no matter what. It's the tiny bit of power I feel I got back after he hurt me so badly. I WILL not reach out and let him know how much suffering I have been dealing with.

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Speakingofwhich

[quote=Mickey1982;5627259

The only thing is that I WILL not break NC no matter what. It's the tiny bit of power I feel I got back after he hurt me so badly. I WILL not reach out and let him know how much suffering I have been dealing with.

 

 

Good for you, Mickey!!

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My xMM wanted to remain in LC but I just couldn't do it. My feelings for him were too strong, and I didn't particularly want for us to settle into that. I felt like things would NEVER change if we did.

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My xMM wanted to remain in LC but I just couldn't do it. My feelings for him were too strong, and I didn't particularly want for us to settle into that. I felt like things would NEVER change if we did.

 

 

Popsicle, how long are you NC?

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greeneydgrl

HS, I believe I have said this previously, but your warmth and beauty (inside and out) is very apparent through your words. I believe I have the story somewhat straight. This is the man who let you *loan* him a very large sum of money, then let you give birth to his child, then watch the baby die, alone? That is an amount of trauma that is, I don't know...ineffable. (And perhaps I'm off and he did end up being there for you, I don't remember seeing that though.) You've shown such courage and incredible forgiveness. If I were in your shoes, I don't know if I would have been able to get up in the morning, never mind practice at a high level.

 

This latest shows how complicated and often never ending these relationships can be. The gifts, they are kind. With a decent dose of subtle manipulation. He may take your gracious heart to the brink. Clearly he still loves you (I don't believe such intense feelings like this ever really die all the way), but he must know such actions will cause a "reaction", ie, sadness, missing him, etcetera. I also get the "in twenty years" thought. Again, I'm not convinced feelings of this depth just vanish. My ex AP just went on my linkedin (hate that thing) page and endorsed me for every single "skill" I have. I can assure you he has absolutely no knowledge of my abilities in any of the areas, so it was absurd. But, he is a slot machine player...This time he got what he wanted, I laughed. I was also angry at the same time, his assumption I would WANT his face all over my profile. Largely intrusive.

I do think the box of sentimental gifts IS a reach out, he would love to be with you, just can't figure out how in the world to do it.

 

Keep on hanging in there, HS. You're the classiest of all the class acts! :)

 

Greeneydgrl

Edited by greeneydgrl
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So a man that lies and cheats on his wife, then picks her sends you a package that you fully know is to get you back in bed is sweet?

 

I don't get it.

 

Your situation is only different in your head its the same old story from the outside looking it.

 

Don't you deserve a man that is yours? One who will committ to you, pick you and be with you over all other? No matter the reason or excuse he picked her. I know, its complicated right? No one understands how hard it was for him. Facts are, when forced he chose her.

 

I feel bad for you, you sound like an internally beautiful woman. But allowing him to keep you on the hook with the hopes that he will at some point PICK YOU is painful, if he truely cared about you and valued you he would let you go totally. Give you a chance to find happiness. Alast he won't do that, he selfishly hold you in place. I know something about that. Its what I have done to my ex wife for 5 years. I understand him, and I'm telling you, he may care about you but he doesn't love you. 2 months or 20 years he doesn't love you the way you deserved to be loved.

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Hope Shimmers
HS, I believe I have said this previously, but your warmth and beauty (inside and out) is very apparent through your words. I believe I have the story somewhat straight. This is the man who let you *loan* him a very large sum of money, then let you give birth to his child, then watch the baby die, alone? That is an amount of trauma that is, I don't know...ineffable. (And perhaps I'm off and he did end up being there for you, I don't remember seeing that though.) You've shown such courage and incredible forgiveness. If I were in your shoes, I don't know if I would have been able to get up in the morning, never mind practice at a high level.

 

This latest shows how complicated and often never ending these relationships can be. The gifts, they are kind. With a decent dose of subtle manipulation. He may take your gracious heart to the brink. Clearly he still loves you (I don't believe such intense feelings like this ever really die all the way), but he must know such actions will cause a "reaction", ie, sadness, missing him, etcetera. I also get the "in twenty years" thought. Again, I'm not convinced feelings of this depth just vanish. My ex AP just went on my linkedin (hate that thing) page and endorsed me for every single "skill" I have. I can assure you he has absolutely no knowledge of my abilities in any of the areas, so it was absurd. But, he is a slot machine player...This time he got what he wanted, I laughed. I was also angry at the same time, his assumption I would WANT his face all over my profile. Largely intrusive.

I do think the box of sentimental gifts IS a reach out, he would love to be with you, just can't figure out how in the world to do it.

 

Keep on hanging in there, HS. You're the classiest of all the class acts! :)

 

Greeneydgrl

 

Thank you Greeneydgrl, for this post and the other reply to me in my other thread. I really appreciate the kind and supportive words (don't know if I deserve them but I appreciate them).

 

Yes, you have the story right. He didn't come around to acknowledge his baby until quite awhile after the birth. I don't know if I show courage and forgiveness or just stupidity.... but I can tell you there were many days that I could not get out of bed in the morning.

 

That's a new one - endorsing you on linkedin for all your skills. That's one surefire way to get your attention though! I need to read and remind myself of your story.

 

You are clearly a class act yourself - congratulations for your great attitude and thank you for your support :bunny:

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Hope Shimmers
So a man that lies and cheats on his wife, then picks her sends you a package that you fully know is to get you back in bed is sweet?

 

I don't get it.

 

Your situation is only different in your head its the same old story from the outside looking it.

 

Don't you deserve a man that is yours? One who will committ to you, pick you and be with you over all other? No matter the reason or excuse he picked her. I know, its complicated right? No one understands how hard it was for him. Facts are, when forced he chose her.

 

I feel bad for you, you sound like an internally beautiful woman. But allowing him to keep you on the hook with the hopes that he will at some point PICK YOU is painful, if he truely cared about you and valued you he would let you go totally. Give you a chance to find happiness. Alast he won't do that, he selfishly hold you in place. I know something about that. Its what I have done to my ex wife for 5 years. I understand him, and I'm telling you, he may care about you but he doesn't love you. 2 months or 20 years he doesn't love you the way you deserved to be loved.

 

Thanks DKT3.

 

I have to say that in the thousands of posts I've read on here during the past few years, the theme of these type of posts always goes like this:

 

1) He is a liar and a cheat

 

2) All he wants is to get you in bed

 

3) Your story isn't special or unique ("same old, same old...")

 

4) He doesn't love you.

 

I think sometimes there should just be a 'form' post like this to make it easier for everyone - just copy and paste. ;)

 

I appreciate your words, however. I don't think my situation is special or extraordinary. Yes, he chose to stay in his M. The affair has been over for years. We live many hundreds of miles apart so he isn't trying to get sex. Neither of us want to have any type of PA ever again, even if the distance wasn't present. I guess you will just have to trust me on that one.

 

As for whether someone loves or does not love, only the person in question can know that - not someone on the outside. In any event, he is not 'holding me captive' in any way. I am dating other men and am hoping to meet Mr Right - although so far I'm preferring my dog. ;)

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Hope Shimmers
Hope, does his wife know he sent you that package? Does she know he still talks to you?

 

Yes, she does.

 

Does she like it? Probably not.

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She told you herself that she knows?

 

I'm not saying that I don't believe you..I'm saying that I'm having a hard time believing him...

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Hope Shimmers
She told you herself that she knows?

 

I'm not saying that I don't believe you..I'm saying that I'm having a hard time believing him...

 

Yes, she told me directly (quite awhile ago) that she knows we remain in contact as friends and talk as friends. Part of that was because we work together/owned a business together.

 

I haven't talked to her in a long time. I talk to others who know her well though, and it is known by her and others that we interact.

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Hope Shimmers
She told you herself that she knows?

 

I'm not saying that I don't believe you..I'm saying that I'm having a hard time believing him...

 

I wouldn't blame you for not believing him. That would definitely be my first instinct too.

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