Disclosure question

[HPrynne]

If you and the AP left your M(s) and ended up together:

 

(1) Did either or both of you disclose the A to your spouse(s)?

 

(1)(a) If so, when - i.e., how long had the A been going on at that point, what kind of A was it (EA, PA), and how much did you disclose?

 

(2) Did you take a break from the AP while going through the separation and D, or did you continue to see one another?

 

(3) Did things ultimately work out for you and the AP (are you married or in a LTR)?

 

Seems like there are a lot of people in As who decide they will not disclose and then "meet" the AP after the D. However, many of those seem to get to D-Day before then and moreover, it seems that of those who say things worked out with the AP, most were up front about it. Also interested in any related information or thoughts from those who ended up with the AP. Thank you.

 

(Please, no exhortations from BSs to immediately disclose the A. Am familiar with that refrain.)

[Lady2163]

(Please, no exhortations from BSs to immediately disclose the A. Am familiar with that refrain.)

 

Sheesh, is that to be a standard disclaimer on all posts in an OW forum now?

 

I've never had the situation OP is asking about. I just wanted to comment that in my experience and in my research, more often than not, affair ends with cheating spouse ditching the other. I think LS is a tad disproportionate with poster who have gone on to have successful relationships with their AP. I don't think anyone is lying, I just think they seem more interested in online forums!

[jwi71]

(1) Did either or both of you disclose the A to your spouse(s)?

 

Why? IF you are already D and do the whole "pretend to meet and fall in love just now routine" - WHY?

 

Just to hurt your ex-spouse?

 

(1)(a) If so, when - i.e., how long had the A been going on at that point, what kind of A was it (EA, PA), and how much did you disclose?

 

I would NOT disclose since you are getting a D.

It serves NO purpose other than to cause pain.

Just file your D (have you filed yet?), move out and start your life anew...

 

(2) Did you take a break from the AP while going through the separation and D, or did you continue to see one another?

 

Recommended to let each deal with their respective D's.

 

(3) Did things ultimately work out for you and the AP (are you married or in a LTR)?

 

Several here have done so. The vast majority have not.

 

The one common in those that did leave and M the AP - they didn't play around. They were upfront with what they wanted and pursued that outcome - some got there quickly, others a little bit more circumspect.

 

Seems like there are a lot of people in As who decide they will not disclose and then "meet" the AP after the D. However, many of those seem to get to D-Day before then and moreover, it seems that of those who say things worked out with the AP, most were up front about it. Also interested in any related information or thoughts from those who ended up with the AP. Thank you.

 

Yup.

D-day won't be pleasant. It NEVER is. Something to be avoided - it comes with GREAT cost.

 

You had said you were getting D for you - which is the only reason to do so. Worry nothing about your AP's D but rather focus on your new life, your new home, getting the kids acclimated to it all...

 

Where are you in that?

Moved out?

Filed for D?

Got all the finances, assets, division thereof and all that good stuff worked out?

[Anna-Belle]

If you and the AP left your M(s) and ended up together:

 

(1) Did either or both of you disclose the A to your spouse(s)?

 

(1)(a) If so, when - i.e., how long had the A been going on at that point, what kind of A was it (EA, PA), and how much did you disclose?

 

My common law spouse knew from the beginning, it was never a secret to him. I ended my relationship with him a year and a half after the EMR started.

 

My MM (now former MM) told his wife after 7 years of EMR. He disclosed almost everything on Dday. The few things he didn't disclose eventually came to the surface. The major reason for his choice to disclose the EMR was that he was tired of lying.

 

My opinion is that it's better to tell everything up front than to have the spouse discover inconsistencies as you go along. It just extends the pain and the distrust.

 

Our relationship was a PA.

 

(2) Did you take a break from the AP while going through the separation and D, or did you continue to see one another?

 

No break. His counselor suggested it as a possibility. He considered the suggestion but decided against it. I opposed taking a break, finding it very unnatural to put a relationship that's already been going on for years on hold.

 

(3) Did things ultimately work out for you and the AP (are you married or in a LTR)?

 

We are still in the transition phase. He has been living on his own for almost a year now. They have decided on divorce and are presently getting the house ready for sale. By fall I will be living with him for longer time periods.

 

Seems like there are a lot of people in As who decide they will not disclose and then "meet" the AP after the D. However, many of those seem to get to D-Day before then and moreover, it seems that of those who say things worked out with the AP, most were up front about it. Also interested in any related information or thoughts from those who ended up with the AP. Thank you.

 

Since my fMM was tired of lying there was no question about whether or not he would disclose the EMR. He couldn't have motivated leaving the marriage otherwise. The question is now of course how many of his close ones will be able to accept me being in his life considering they know about the EMR. His former boss asked if he would be bringing me to a banquet coming up, that was good to hear. I've met a couple of the kids but just very briefly. We're taking it slow with the kids.

 

So why did it take 7 years for him to leave? He says he couldn't have left one day earlier. He needed the time to go through the fundamental changes that were going on inside of him and likely caused him to look outside his marriage in the first place.

 

Do I regret the years spent in an EMR? Not one bit. I love this guy. Every day I've spent with him is golden. And there are many more to come.

Edited April 5, 2014 by Anna-Belle

[cocorico]

If you and the AP left your M(s) and ended up together:

 

(1) Did either or both of you disclose the A to your spouse(s)?

 

(1)(a) If so, when - i.e., how long had the A been going on at that point, what kind of A was it (EA, PA), and how much did you disclose?

 

(2) Did you take a break from the AP while going through the separation and D, or did you continue to see one another?

 

(3) Did things ultimately work out for you and the AP (are you married or in a LTR)?

 

Seems like there are a lot of people in As who decide they will not disclose and then "meet" the AP after the D. However, many of those seem to get to D-Day before then and moreover, it seems that of those who say things worked out with the AP, most were up front about it. Also interested in any related information or thoughts from those who ended up with the AP. Thank you.

 

(Please, no exhortations from BSs to immediately disclose the A. Am familiar with that refrain.)

 

1) I was S, but he disclosed to the BW.

 

1a) it was about 3years into the A. It was PA, and he told her he loved another, that we'd been involved for 3 years, and that he planned to leave her as soon as he could find suitable accommodation for himself and the kids.

 

2) we did not take a break, we continued the R, but I did not move in with them immediately. I moved in about 6 months after the split, which was about 6 months before the D was finalised.

 

3) Yes, we M soon after the D was finalised, which was several years ago. We are very happy together.

[HPrynne]

Thank you, cocorico.