Devastated1969 Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Ok... I'm struggling, that's true. I feel very low right now, ugly, worthless, rubbish... Life is hard and I want him.. Know I can't have him though, he's gone... It's his birthday on Friday and I need to get past it with NC. Having seen him last week and hearing him say he loves his wife and me but chooses his wife I have to now move on and accept that. Tough but true. There is no future for us regardless. I have been NC since. Help me to stay NC. I have glimmers of hope. Sometimes I feel that although I'm 45 not 25, I know myself, I am a strong woman who has brought up two beautiful daughters who are now 15 and 16 from the age of 2 and 3 pretty much on my own with no emotional or financial support. I've had 2 marriage break ups and divorces that have been hard. I know I'm a good person with a heart full of love to give someone. I want to say happy birthday to him but know he won't give me anything back so need to get through the day without contacting him... Not asking for advice as I know I sound pathetic but just wanted to write how I feel as I need to get it out of me.. I know you all know what I need to do as do I. Move on, look after me, put him behind me, etc... Trying so so hard to do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Oh gosh, I am sorry things are so tough for you at the moment. Keep yourself busy busy busy. Maintain no contact no matter what. I am fishing with my boys right now but will pop back in later with some reading material for you to keep you busy. Hang in there. By the way, I am same age as you, single with two kids, and l loving life! Get thru this and there is a rainbow on the other side of this storm, but you have to make the right choices to get to that rainbow. No contact. Much love to you dear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I'm so sorry you are going through this On Friday you need to post HERE anytime you feel tempted to send him a Happy Birthday message. And to keep you from sending it, think about how much worse it will be if he doesn't acknowledge it! Also, remember that if you send it, he will know you are there thinking of him and pining away for him. Keep control of the NC that you started and instead send him the message that you are NOT sitting around with him on your mind! That leaves YOU in control instead of you handing control back to him. I know you didn't ask for advice but I thought I would say this in case it helps. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Just went through the birthday thing, too, with xMM. A couple things got me to the otherside without breaking NC. First, MY bday came and went shortly after NC began. Not a peep from him. Ouch. Second thing I had to continuously remind myself of was that on his birthday this year, he would be exactly where he chose to be. At home, with his W. If he wanted me to be a part of any sort of celebration, I wouldn't be his XOW! Last year he got to have his cake and eat it too. This year he can take his effing cake and SHOVE IT! :)Hang tough. You've got this! 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Last year he got to have his cake and eat it too. This year he can take his effing cake and SHOVE IT! Good for you! Now I have this mental image of you smashing the cake in his face 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 You need to gather 3 of your closest women friends and have a spa weekend. Get a new haircut, go shopping and buy some new dresses. You are beautiful and sexy, do NOT let HIM make you feel otherwise. You've done nothing wrong, HE is the loser and schmuck in all this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Well I'm back again - here's that reading material I mentioned! A website called Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue, a FANTASTIC website that educates women, among other things, on how to spot men who are not sincere and authentic in relationships....... Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Please browse around and read at least a dozen or more of her articles. They are real eye openers! Another great article: Will he leave his wife/girlfriend for me? Parts I and II http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/is-he-going-to-leave-her-for-me-part-one/#rpctoken=1694971348&forcesecure=1 ... Edited April 3, 2014 by Forever Learning 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 Yeah don't do it... Lol speaking from experience if you don't get a response back from a simple "happy bday"... You feel embarrassed and crazy for analyzing why or if he got the text. I even sent a text a couple days later asking if he got the text... He responded and said he didn't but thanks/appreciate it. No "how are you" back... It just showed where I ranked on the most people I prioritize list... I was pissed but but decided to just let it go.. And take it as a lesson learned. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 May sound crazy, but can you leave your phone home on that day and not get on the computer to avoid the pain an the desire to contact? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 Well I'm back again - here's that reading material I mentioned! A website called Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue, a FANTASTIC website that educates women, among other things, on how to spot men who are not sincere and authentic in relationships....... Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Please browse around and read at least a dozen or more of her articles. They are real eye openers! Another great article: Will he leave his wife/girlfriend for me? Parts I and II Will he leave his wife/girlfriend for me? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue ... Thank you so much :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 Just went through the birthday thing, too, with xMM. A couple things got me to the otherside without breaking NC. First, MY bday came and went shortly after NC began. Not a peep from him. Ouch. Second thing I had to continuously remind myself of was that on his birthday this year, he would be exactly where he chose to be. At home, with his W. If he wanted me to be a part of any sort of celebration, I wouldn't be his XOW! Last year he got to have his cake and eat it too. This year he can take his effing cake and SHOVE IT! :)Hang tough. You've got this! Love this, thank you inapp 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 You need to gather 3 of your closest women friends and have a spa weekend. Get a new haircut, go shopping and buy some new dresses. You are beautiful and sexy, do NOT let HIM make you feel otherwise. You've done nothing wrong, HE is the loser and schmuck in all this. I am going to take this advice, thanks WWIU, I wish I didn't feel the loser, but you are right and I'm better off without him. I keep telling myself over and over again, hopefully my heart will start to take it in soon. I have put a mental image in my head of him walking ahead of me on a road, hand in hand with his wife and every so often he chucks a small biscuit over his shoulder, I'm like a little puppy rushing to the biscuit only to look up and see him looking into her eyes, laughing and still walking forward.... Yuck!!!! I'm not being that bloody puppy!!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 May sound crazy, but can you leave your phone home on that day and not get on the computer to avoid the pain an the desire to contact? I will do whatever it takes, I need to get through it without sending anything, I know it will help me move on... Spa day seems the best idea so I will be booking that later :-) Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 From the male side for ya: Last summer I basically broke NC, she responded (yes the update story and tearing apart is posted here) and hell, she got my birthday wrong when she threw me an early bday message. Add to the two years of NC and not a peep from her either. So why do we do this to ourselves and this is the worst time of year for me anyways, the first half of the year is a huge trigger in and of itself and I'm fighting with the urge to not send an eff you message of some sort...but what would that accomplish? when it comes to all this crap, your mind is your worst enemy 5 Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 Really wish I had something helpful to tell you that would advance you months down the road to a place where you feel great again! I'm so sorry this is so hard, but you know what... you're pushing through everyday like a trooper, and even though it's hard, you're always one day closer to healing than the day before. No matter how hard it feels on Friday, don't break NC. He's never gonna feel the level of pain and sadness that you feel if you provide him with the small reminders that you are still thinking of him (and hoping he has a wonderful Birthday.) Don't give him that reassurance that even though he's chosen to celebrate his Birthday with her, he still gets to enjoy sweet Birthday wishes from you. He doesn't deserve that, and he certainly doesn't deserve you. Too bad a bunch of us can't get together for that SPA weekend that was suggested! Man... Wouldn't that be something? :laugh:Will have you in mind on Friday! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 Too bad a bunch of us can't get together for that SPA weekend that was suggested! Man... Wouldn't that be something? :laugh:Will have you in mind on Friday! I'm game. I wish that were possible. We could all drink too much wine and mentally throw birthday cake at the ex-MM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 I'm game. I wish that were possible. We could all drink too much wine and mentally throw birthday cake at the ex-MM. Haha, that actually made me really smile on the inside and out. We would truly have an awesome time I'm sure :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Share Posted April 4, 2014 Ok so it's arrived. I went out to dinner last night with a group of close colleagues and had a brilliant night, lots of laughter with friends who care about each other. I have woken up feeling strong and determined. Strangely it was the first morning I woke up and he wasn't even my first thought! I was thinking about what a great evening I had and it was only after that I remembered it was his birthday. I will not be wishing him a happy birthday as I honestly don't wish that. I have no idea what has changed in me overnight, it has been 10 weeks since he left me and I have realised that I am not being sick every day like I was, have my appetite back, am able to laugh again and have made amazing progress that I couldn't see before. I really hope I can stay in this mindset, I know I will always have sad days but if I can get through this day, I'm determined this is going to be my turning point to a better future. Thank you all my wonderful LS friends, you have no idea how much help you have given me and I don't think I would be this far forward without your support, insight, shared stories and honesty 10 Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 You are AMAZING!!! Good for you!!Have a ridiculously awesome day. Not to spite him, but because you DESERVE IT! ((Hugs, Dev!)) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FoolishOW Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Thinking of you today Dev! TGIF... have a great day! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blue73 Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Devestated....and other OW. My MM birthday is today, and his stats are so similiar to your MM's. (Birthday, age, number of kids, years married)- YIKES! It got me thinking I wonder how many serial MM have romanced several of us OW at the same time. Many of us having to come to LS for support. Wouldnt that be hilarious if several of us were on here thinking we were the only OW in his life so confused about our MM when really he was playing multiples all at the same time which is why we post on LS daily confused about his strange behaviors?- Altough I would like to think my head is screwed on straight, don't think for a crazy second that it did not cross my mind, what if its the same POS MM? These MM make us sane normal woman turn into paranoid freaks. Devestated - my heart goes out to you during this time. Stay Strong..you are so much better than he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Share Posted April 4, 2014 Devestated....and other OW. My MM birthday is today, and his stats are so similiar to your MM's. (Birthday, age, number of kids, years married)- YIKES! It got me thinking I wonder how many serial MM have romanced several of us OW at the same time. Many of us having to come to LS for support. Wouldnt that be hilarious if several of us were on here thinking we were the only OW in his life so confused about our MM when really he was playing multiples all at the same time which is why we post on LS daily confused about his strange behaviors?- Altough I would like to think my head is screwed on straight, don't think for a crazy second that it did not cross my mind, what if its the same POS MM? These MM make us sane normal woman turn into paranoid freaks. Devestated - my heart goes out to you during this time. Stay Strong..you are so much better than he deserves. Thanks Blue, gawd, wouldn't that be an unreal situation! Not sure where you are but I'm in the UK. I'm still doing ok, no desire to break NC so far. Arranged another night out with friends tomorrow so something else to look forward to Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Ok so it's arrived. I went out to dinner last night with a group of close colleagues and had a brilliant night, lots of laughter with friends who care about each other. I have woken up feeling strong and determined. Strangely it was the first morning I woke up and he wasn't even my first thought! I was thinking about what a great evening I had and it was only after that I remembered it was his birthday. I will not be wishing him a happy birthday as I honestly don't wish that. I have no idea what has changed in me overnight, it has been 10 weeks since he left me and I have realised that I am not being sick every day like I was, have my appetite back, am able to laugh again and have made amazing progress that I couldn't see before. I really hope I can stay in this mindset, I know I will always have sad days but if I can get through this day, I'm determined this is going to be my turning point to a better future. Thank you all my wonderful LS friends, you have no idea how much help you have given me and I don't think I would be this far forward without your support, insight, shared stories and honesty I wish there were a love button instead of just a like one. So glad you are not just making it through the day but also feeling strong and focused on YOU. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Happy re-birth of you day! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted April 5, 2014 Author Share Posted April 5, 2014 So I've made it through and remained NC... Still feel strong and know it's the right thing for me. I will always be sad deep down as I know there was a lot of love between us and I truly believe we did, and could have continued to have a wonderful relationship... But, when I look at the cold hard facts, he has made a choice and he is gone, the only choice in front of me now is either to move on, work through the sadness to a happy and fulfilled future without him or continue to see him, waste my life waiting for crumbs, feeling second best, prolonging the agony, and all the while being responsible for preventing their marriage reconciliation from having a chance. As hard as it is and as gutted as I feel, there is no choice really. Just acceptance this is where we are and trying to behave in a grown up and dignified manner to do what is right going forward. I hope so much that he remains NC. I find it very difficult to do the ignore thing, I think someone on here said it feels like rudeness and I agree and suffer from the same thing. I hate being ignored so feel I wouldn't want to behave in that way. Pray he respects the NC rule and I can keep putting one step ahead of the other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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