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Do you know his wife?


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Anyone that knows my story knows my OM hangs out with my husband some, not usually alone, but in a group with other friends, they don't talk much alone, but they are friends. This friendship was mostly just in a group setting with other couples before the affair started. Me and OM have a lot in common and us and a couple other friends would go places together often and participate in a sport together. My husband isn't into it and neither is his wife. My husbands individual friendship started to develop with OM more after the affair started and I've never been very comfortable with it.

My OM's wife would love to be my friend. As it stands I see her every couple weeks, with other people around. We live in a small town, when you go out you see the same people and we do get together in a group more often than just acquaintances but she would love to hang out individually too and has made that well known. I've always just been 'busy' or invited other people whenever she plans something or invites me somewhere.

She's a nice person I just have no intention to get close to her because honestly, I'm in love with her husband, and am not looking to openly hide an affair in front of my OM's family.

As it is I feel I need to do that too much.

 

But this past weekend, I find myself with her and three other ladies from town and she starts telling a story about her cousin, who is planning to leave her husband as soon as her youngest two kids are finished high school. The usual reactions ensued from us ladies, how sad that is, that she should leave now, that kind of thing. Sympathy. Then she says she can't wrap her head around a life like that and how someone could stay in an unhappy marriage knowing they won't be with that person forever.

 

Honestly it was like a punch in the gut.

I've talked about this here before. I really feel if one day I'm sure it's never going to work with my husband I'll leave, but right now it's working and I do love him and he does love me, so I stay, all the whole though I'm almost sure we won't grow old together. I just kind of feel it :( it makes me sad but I push the thoughts away. Not to mention HER husband has proposed the exact thing to me, that we wait until our youngest kids are out of school and on their own and then divorce.. Wait a couple years, and 'find' one another and end up together.

 

Ya. To be clear I have never agreed to this.

 

I really felt immediately sick to my stomach, it was like the walls I put up to keep reality and my relationship with him separate came crashing down. I actually had to excuse myself from the table to the ladies room and collect myself. I can't back a few minutes later and the conversation had changed.

 

She invited me to another event this weekend and I haven't responded yet but came here instead. I will be coming up with an excuse though. I cannot be around her.

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Tullyseptember

Autumn this is a very dangerousness cat and mouse game that you are playing. When this gets out the fall-out is going to be tremendous. You do not need to be in her company no matter how many times she asks. You know what you and her husband are doing. It's cruel that you would be in her company again even though she is pursuing your friendship. You know you have no intention of being a friend. Stay away from all invites. This is going to be a terrible outcome for both your family's :(

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underwater2010

You have been told multiple times what a dangerous game you are playing.

 

Even though you might not say it....your face with reveal it all. STAY AWAY!!! I would even say to stop while you are ahead, but you will not listen so why waste my breath.

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You have been told multiple times what a dangerous game you are playing.

 

Even though you might not say it....your face with reveal it all. STAY AWAY!!! I would even say to stop while you are ahead, but you will not listen so why waste my breath.

 

I can't avoid her completely but I can turn down invites for sure and I intend to. 90 percent of the time I do.

As for quitting while I'm ahead, the last time I spent time with him was almost three weeks ago. I was very thrown off it and we haven't been talking much.

It is what it is. I don't want to steal her husband but I also can't be her friend and I agree.

I'm not an actress I can't be around her.

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To answer your title, no I didn't know his wife. That sounds really horrible for all involved.

 

As to how you felt about the comment of staying in an M while knowing you want to leave - since it struck you so hard, that is a good thing for you to think about and learn from. I can understand the other women's reactions because when one is in a marriage that you really want to be in and you want to grow old together, it seems to not have that and stay married would be intolerable. You are really giving up a lot in this one life you have to live by spending day in and day out in a marriage where you don't have that. A lot to think about for you as to why you are willing to give up so much. Ultimately, I don't think it is for children because children thrive when both parents love them very much and treat each other well. They don't have to live together to treat each other well. IMO, living apart with honesty and respect is better for children than living together with deception and betrayal.

 

But only you know why you choose to live the life you do and why you are not eager now to share you life with someone you want to grow old with. Just make sure you are living the life you want right now for the reasons that really matter to you. The punch in the gut could be a gift if it reveals to you some new insight about yourself and your life.

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I can't avoid her completely but I can turn down invites for sure and I intend to. 90 percent of the time I do.

As for quitting while I'm ahead, the last time I spent time with him was almost three weeks ago. I was very thrown off it and we haven't been talking much.

It is what it is. I don't want to steal her husband but I also can't be her friend and I agree.

I'm not an actress I can't be around her.

 

 

 

Not an actress?

 

 

You are doing a good job of pulling the wool over your BH's eyes. You need to tell your BH and end this affair.

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I'm in a similar situation, except we already had a Dday in Dec 13.

 

H & OM are good friends, so we used to hang out together for dinner occasionally. When affair started, she became pregnant & seldom joins us after that. In fact, I only saw her thrice.

 

The third & last time I saw her, I felt so guilty towards her & distanced myself away from her. I was also cold towards her subconsciously because of my jealousy I felt towards her especially when I saw OM held her hands before me. H sensed it too & asked me about it on the way home. I just shrugged it off & H left it as it is. Be prepared that if Dday happens to you, you will probably lose your common friends too.

 

She also sensed something was very wrong & started digging into his emails a few days after that, & saw our email correspondences. That's how Dday happened for us. So I would strongly advised you to stay away from her especially you said you aren't a good actress. Also, the jealousy, guilt,all the raw emotions of facing her will just eat me up & affects me for days.

 

I know the 4 of us will never hang out like in the past anymore & honestly, I missed the friendship & fun times together. In Feburary, we had a dinner invitation at our common friend's house & we had to turn it down to avoid her. Afterwards, I heard she attended even though she seldom appears in such gatherings. I guessed she wanted to keep a check on me if I'd attended. Last Saturday, we had a common friend's wedding & I didn't turned up even though I would love to catch up with other of our friends to avoid her. Thus, the A made me lost my friendships with OM & other people around us as well.

Edited by Patna
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Not an actress?

 

 

You are doing a good job of pulling the wool over your BH's eyes. You need to tell your BH and end this affair.

 

I don't generally have to lie much at all. I can only remember a couple times I've had to in the last couple years. I've lied by omission many times but not flat out said something that was the opposite of the truth. I get both are lying but there is a big difference in being easy able to lie and just not elaborating on stories. Leaving things out. (Not saying it would be less painful to a spouse , before my words get twisted. There is just an obvious difference for ME in how I deal)

If I was asked and had to lie I would, but I am not able to lie with ease for sure.

 

And no.. I won't be telling my husband anything but thanks, I've never gotten that advice before.

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I knew my H's side dish. Didn't like her. Her husband was nice and my husband liked them so I went along with being friends. I tried to be friendly to her but it was glaringly obvious she was/is a narcissist. She fit it to a tee. I told my husband so but he couldn't see it. this was before their affair started. Even if she isn't really one she is not an attractive person. I don't mean physicaly. She has a superior attitude, aloof but get her around men and oooh she is fun and adorable. I couldn't bring myself to be her friend even though we pretended we were. Now I am glad because I have no true double betrayal and no one to miss. Knowing she is the kind of woman who cheats on her husband and even when caught gaslights and blameshifts all day long. I prefer people who take responsibility for their actions, want to be authentic and make good positive choices in their lives.

 

So keeping her at arms length is good. Because if this does come out it will lesson the blow then if she and you are close friends. She will be thankful you were never besties.

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bentleychic

I met his wife once briefly (the same time I met him for the first time years ago). We are not friends and have never spoken or seen each other again since that day.

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I met both the wife and husband 26 years ago through distant family. Six knots after meeting we were at the same family event, he was without wife. We had a one night stand. No contact for 19 years. Then, MM and I were again at a family event. I actually apologized for anything I may have done to hurt him. He gave me his email and I sent an honest to goodness bread and butter email two days later...nice to see you, blah blah blah, again, my apologies if I caused you or family any pain, etc.

 

He kicked it up a notch.

 

So, I have been around wife four times and unbeknownst to her I have been at the same public functions where she hasn't seen me. I do know what she looks like and as of a couple years ago, she knows what I look like.

 

Should we be found out, it will travel from distant family to close family and I will have hell to pay. MM is kind of a public figure, well-respected, recognized in his area. Even though he has done plenty of chasing and pursuing, this will somehow end up being all my fault.

 

Just wanted to edit and say we are NOT family, he is friends with a distant family member of mine. Whew!

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