theperfectlife Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 After reading many of these threads and posts, I am seriously wondering... is there anyone out there who actually had an affair.........both left their spouses.....and are happier than ever before???? I am all too aware of the devastation caused by an affair. However, there seems to be many people in the world who fall out of love with their spouse and end up finding love with someone else. My OM and I planned on leaving our spouses this year, although Dday happened first. We had both been struggling with this over the past year, and were hoping to pretend we met after the divorce.......just to make the blow softer. We wanted as little devastation as possible. Now that this is now impossible, neither one of us can stand to bear the thought of losing eachother. Despite all the hurt we caused, we thought it best to be with eachother instead of living the lie. Right now I'm in the midst of everything........and trying to keep head above water Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Can there be a happily ever after... sure, it happens sometimes. Is that what usually happens? Probably close to never. No one can tell you if there will be a happily ever after in your particular sitch Link to post Share on other sites
Author theperfectlife Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 its so nice to finally not get bashed...... I KNOW I am among millions who have made a mistake by betraying their spouse. I also know that cheating is wrong and would HIGHLY discourage anyone to follow my example. However, I do believe this is my happily ever after, just wish it happened in a different way to spare the feelings of my hubby, friends, and family. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 It did for me, and there are a few others on here that it happened for as well. I wouldn't say it happens more often than not. Most of the time it ends badly. But... still, if you are both in it to win it, it's possible. Make a plan, stick to it, move forward and make sure you keep striving for your goal. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 After reading many of these threads and posts, I am seriously wondering... is there anyone out there who actually had an affair.........both left their spouses.....and are happier than ever before???? It does happen. I would characterize it as very rare though - it is, as you well know, a VERY hard path. I am all too aware of the devastation caused by an affair. However, there seems to be many people in the world who fall out of love with their spouse and end up finding love with someone else. Correct. Happens all the time. My OM and I planned on leaving our spouses this year, although Dday happened first. We had both been struggling with this over the past year, and were hoping to pretend we met after the divorce.......just to make the blow softer. We wanted as little devastation as possible. Now that this is now impossible, neither one of us can stand to bear the thought of losing eachother. Despite all the hurt we caused, we thought it best to be with eachother instead of living the lie. Right now I'm in the midst of everything........and trying to keep head above water So...I'm not sure of your question or situation here. If you and OM had planned to be together - how does dday affect that in any way? I can see timelines being accelerated and how that can be tricky to navigate - but, overall, how is this affecting your plans? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Don't be the first one to divorce unless you are dead set on divorcing regardless of whether the OM divorces too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 After reading many of these threads and posts, I am seriously wondering... is there anyone out there who actually had an affair.........both left their spouses.....and are happier than ever before???? I am all too aware of the devastation caused by an affair. However, there seems to be many people in the world who fall out of love with their spouse and end up finding love with someone else. My OM and I planned on leaving our spouses this year, although Dday happened first. We had both been struggling with this over the past year, and were hoping to pretend we met after the divorce.......just to make the blow softer. We wanted as little devastation as possible. Now that this is now impossible, neither one of us can stand to bear the thought of losing eachother. Despite all the hurt we caused, we thought it best to be with eachother instead of living the lie. Right now I'm in the midst of everything........and trying to keep head above water Fact that you've had a D-day, then isn't it best to just own it and you both do the divorce quickly as possible? You and him should move out of your family homes, and start separation/divorce proceedings. Doesn't mean you two should move in together, but since you both are in love and want a life together, be as honest as possible now with your spouses and families. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 its so nice to finally not get bashed...... I KNOW I am among millions who have made a mistake by betraying their spouse. I also know that cheating is wrong and would HIGHLY discourage anyone to follow my example. However, I do believe this is my happily ever after, just wish it happened in a different way to spare the feelings of my hubby, friends, and family. If the MM hadn't entered your life, would thoughts of divorce and wanting another life still be in your head? if not, and then maybe you need to really think about what you're giving up UNLESS you're totally okay regardless of what happens with your MM and his marriage. Meaning, you'd be fine and happier on your own than stay married to your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
veritas lux mea Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Don't be the first one to divorce unless you are dead set on divorcing regardless of whether the OM divorces too. This, a 1000 times. Which was what I was trying to tell you. You can either be someone that is at the mercy of your emotions and feelings and search for happiness outside of you or you can be someone who takes control of your own destiny. Yes, things happen out of your control. But what you do is always in your control then. Love won't make you faithful. Love won't make you a better person. You do that for yourself. A good friend/partner helps but beig complete without that is so much more. I thought if I finally had a child I would be complete and happy. And losin all hope for that put me in a really dark place that I am ony starting to crawl out of. I know that I can be happy even without my dream being fulfilled. And not dwelling on my losses helps with that. As for Happily Affair After. It happens. It will rarely be as wonderful and pure as a love born out of somethig less insepid. The story isn't always something people enjoy sharing. Children and family are less likely to be supportive. It can be a hard road. It also can carry a lot of let downs. Like when you are supper excited for that movie that just doesn't deliver. Too high of expectations can hinder it. If you have a false sense of reality. An out in the open relationship can really be a test. And then some people have reported trust issues are magnified. That whole "if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you" mantra. I know it isn't true for everyone but trust can be hard. So of course Happily Affair After can happen. But as goody said it is the exception not the norm. Being prepared for a rough go for a bit will probably help the outcome and take any unrealistic expectations off. Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 If you do stay together after your respective divorces, I would suggest some joint counselling. It may help you to recognize and deal with any issues that may come up. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 The perfect life, According to statistics only 1-10% of people end up marrying their affair partner How Often Do Affair Partners End up Marrying and Happy? | Affair Resources and Advice having said that, my exH maried his affair partner 4 years after I divorced him, but only after she got pregnant. (And only after her fiance found out and dumped her - she strung my ex along for another 6 months.) They are still together some 15+ years later. Are they happy? I've no idea. Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Well, as for Happily ever after, statistics about infidelity and divorce rates show that's something quite hard to achieve for ANY relationship, so I guess you have more or less the same chances for that as any other couple. I think any kind of interaction can lead to real love, regardless of how it starts out, be it regular dating, platonic friendship or an affair, why not? So yes, I think it's possible. Statistics about affair actually becoming new marriages and about how long those marriages last are not very encouraging, but I think there's a reason for this: You may have been intimate with your AP for years and feel you know him/her well, he/she is your soulmate and it's true love. But the fact is that what you have actually shared is fun and sex moments, and never really had to deal with everyday problems and routine daily life. That's a common mistake for WS when comparing their BS to the AP; they're actually comparing apples and oranges. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I think that the love can be there. My worries would be dealing with the kids and extended family. Right now you have blown up all their worlds. They are NOT going to except you MOM readily. Now you have to take time and really think about all this. Can you deal with the fallout? How will your teenage daughter deal with this new man, considering she discovered the affair? Can you both deal with all the emotions that come with divorcing your spouses? How about the fact that you BOTH betrayed people that you "loved"? Can you ever truly have 100% trust in one another? Link to post Share on other sites
glowing Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Yes, it can lead to a very happy, loving life together. I agree with everything posted here as a reply. It's all true. I don't ever want to take my husband and our life together for granted, so I'll just say that I HOPE it stays as good for us long-term as it has these past few years. Our family has been luckier than most when it came to blending together. while we have two very high conflict ex spouses and yes, we did lose friends at the time and endure whispering and gossip (nourished by our exes), I look at him and know it was necessary for us to be together. Our kids are thriving, we have made new friends and strengthened bonds with those who didn't cut us out. Our families are overwhelmingly supportive. The very first moment I met him I KNEW him. I can't imagine how we were ever married to other people. It can happen. I hope we are the small percentage who actually make it 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Glowing, we did the same. I always find it interesting when people talk about the devastation and fallout because, although there was some, for the most part people are ok with us. Our kids are doing really well and are happy. Our families support us and any friends who walked away from us are simply people we are better off without. We have been together for a while and the shine has not worn off for us. We work hard for it every day and I hope we stay this happy forever. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
glowing Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 So perfectly said, goodyblue. We have challenges that I know wouldn't exist if the affair hadn't happened, but honestly, they are centered around our exes. Knock wood, WE are fine. That being said, we worked REALLY HARD to give our relationship the best chance possible. Both of us would have divorced our exes regardless of the affair or our relationship afterwards. We attended counseling individually to work on making sure our decision was not related to dday. We attended it a few times together to try and dig up any potential pitfalls, but honestly there just weren't many. We lived independent of one another, began officially dating after some time off, and made sure we had worked on ourselves before sharing our life. And now? To be honest it's pretty effortless. It's not perfect, but it's such a wonderfully far cry from a stolen hour or the very rare overnight. For us, having a NORMAL relationship is way more fulfilling than a secret one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BehindTheseHazelEyes Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 After reading many of these threads and posts, I am seriously wondering... is there anyone out there who actually had an affair.........both left their spouses.....and are happier than ever before???? I am all too aware of the devastation caused by an affair. However, there seems to be many people in the world who fall out of love with their spouse and end up finding love with someone else. My OM and I planned on leaving our spouses this year, although Dday happened first. We had both been struggling with this over the past year, and were hoping to pretend we met after the divorce.......just to make the blow softer. We wanted as little devastation as possible. Now that this is now impossible, neither one of us can stand to bear the thought of losing eachother. Despite all the hurt we caused, we thought it best to be with eachother instead of living the lie. Right now I'm in the midst of everything........and trying to keep head above water I was the Ow but I was single. We have now been married over 5 years. We seriously went through hell when he left, but I never thought about it being hell until afterwards. I actually thought we were pretty happy. But we never lied. When we got together, everyone knew he left for me. We didn't lie. We just went with the reality. And actually I'd be pissed if he tried to say we just met. Because in actuality we've been together over 9 years. And we love each other more than ever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 My aunt had an affair left her husband and married her AP. This was 1978 or 79 I believe. They are married still. When talking to my mother about my exwifes affair she told me to talk to my aunt. What she said was, "when your ending a relationship you tend to focus on the things that are ending the relationship, forgetting the reasons that you were with the person to start with. Forgetting that you once loved that person so very much because you've built resentment and anger over small things. Then I found some light (OM) I felt so loved and so desired I just couldn't see my life without him. Over the years I've learned a few things, people repeat mistakes, fall into routines. My marriage to (OM) has been overall a nightmare, your mother told me if he cheats with you he will cheat on you. I thought no he loves me more then he loved his ex wife. Now that may or may not have been true but he did at one point love her and he cheated, just as he cheated on me." I asked her why she stayed "I feel like its GODS way of evening the score, he is what I deserve" Now this isn't word for word, its been 7 years since we has that talk. Its all too sad, here is a woman in her late 60's totally unhappy and stuck. She doesn't regret leaving her ex husband she does regret in her words "trying to shine sh*t" she said the first 10 years that she had to prove she made the right decision even after the happiness left after the first few years. The thing that stands out of that conversation was her telling me that they never really trusted one another "how could we? We both knew what the other was capable of" I'm sure there are happy endings in these situation, albeit like hitting the lotto. Too much baggage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Something that came up in conversation with my WW at some point that made me wonder about this scenario: Is it possible that the WS who leaves a marriage/family for their AP puts in more of an effort to "make" it work because they gave up so much to be with that person? So as not to be left with nothing in the end? I think we can agree that the idea of "settling" with a spouse occurs. Do WS's settle for AP's in a similar way, especially when the option to R isn't there? Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I certainly can't say for everyone, but for us it isn't that way. We laugh all day long. We are that horrible couple that people tell to 'get a room'. We really and truly enjoy one another's company. I truly believe that both my guy and I worked really hard to get here and if when we got here and it was awful, we'd end it. One thing we have both learned is how important it is to cherish each moment of our lives and be happy. If we weren't happy, it'd be over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 I certainly can't say for everyone, but for us it isn't that way. We laugh all day long. We are that horrible couple that people tell to 'get a room'. We really and truly enjoy one another's company. I truly believe that both my guy and I worked really hard to get here and if when we got here and it was awful, we'd end it. One thing we have both learned is how important it is to cherish each moment of our lives and be happy. If we weren't happy, it'd be over. For us, too. We've both been through D, we both know it's not the end of the world. We have no kids together, no joint property, no business ventures to keep us locked together. We are together only because we choose to be - every single day we wake up and make that choice anew, and if one day we woke up,and that was not the choice we wanted to make, we'd simply end it. That said, we both know how lucky we are to have each other. We work hard to prioritise our R because it's worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 For us, too. We've both been through D, we both know it's not the end of the world. We have no kids together, no joint property, no business ventures to keep us locked together. We are together only because we choose to be - every single day we wake up and make that choice anew, and if one day we woke up,and that was not the choice we wanted to make, we'd simply end it. That said, we both know how lucky we are to have each other. We work hard to prioritise our R because it's worth it. This is how we are as well. We have made a conscious choice, and do so every single day. We don't get lazy and we don't take anything for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
EasternStandard Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 After reading many of these threads and posts, I am seriously wondering... is there anyone out there who actually had an affair.........both left their spouses.....and are happier than ever before???? I am all too aware of the devastation caused by an affair. However, there seems to be many people in the world who fall out of love with their spouse and end up finding love with someone else. My OM and I planned on leaving our spouses this year, although Dday happened first. We had both been struggling with this over the past year, and were hoping to pretend we met after the divorce.......just to make the blow softer. We wanted as little devastation as possible. Now that this is now impossible, neither one of us can stand to bear the thought of losing eachother. Despite all the hurt we caused, we thought it best to be with eachother instead of living the lie. Right now I'm in the midst of everything........and trying to keep head above water It will be tough at first, but you have to just stick together and it will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 Is there anyone out there who actually had an affair.........both left their spouses.....and are happier than ever before???? Of course it happens. A lot of relationships start when one or the other participants is somewhat involved with someone else, even though they may not be married. Some affairs are really no different. Here is a link to a thread about an article in a popular publication - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/453666-6-types-affairs. Notice what the article calls the Mind-Body Affair. This is the type that typically would lead to the situation you mentioned. Don't listen to all the negativity - it does happen. Good Luck! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted April 3, 2014 Share Posted April 3, 2014 The perfect life, According to statistics only 1-10% of people end up marrying their affair partner Remember this includes all the one-night stands and affairs that were not really the type you are talking about. In addition, many times one or both affair partners after getting out of a marriage may be a bit reluctant to get married again. This doesn't mean they didn't go on to live a happy life together. And don't discount the fact that not everyone would admit that their marriage was the result of an affair. Bottom line, be a leery of these types of statistics, they are very questionable at best. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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