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6 months since DDay


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It's been 6 months since we confessed .. If you don't know my story, my affair was a good friends husband and we confessed while together as couples.

 

That night in itself was horrible. Even though we didn't confess everything at the time, both our spouses left our homes almost immediatly and we've both been living apart from then since.

 

My kids have primarily been with me.. Not my choosing because honestly I want them to have more time with their dad. They need him as much as me. For the first few months though he was very resistant to have anything much do with any of us and just worked around the clock. He's been in mediation with me for the last few weeks and I am very hopeful things are going to get a lot better.

Until recently his mom would pick up the kids and keep them at her place and he would visit but not stay or take them to his place.

Before anyone suggests he didn't believe they were his that's not the reason at all. He's admitted straight out since then it was a tactic to hurt me. He knows my biggest fear was them losing him completely. My dad left me and I had always had a huge issue about it.. And it would have been my own fault.

He is in this for the kids now and we are going to continue only seeing each other in mediation for now and grandma doing pick ups and drop offs but they will be with him when it's his time.

 

At least we can talk now.

 

.. Things are still really intense with my OM and his wife. She left right away and has been in contact with him but it's a very different situation because they didn't share kids.

Her contact with him has been very angry every time. No fault to her, just the facts. But with me it's very different. She still wants me to leave him alone and basically choose her over him which I don't know how to respond with. She says I owe it to her, she doesn't want to lose me so I need to stay away from him and stay her friend.. Realistically I can't ever see comfortably being her friend of course after what I did.. What I put her through I just won't forgive myself and be able to do that if that makes sense.

 

Ultimate slap in the face to her I'm still very in love with him and him with me and we fully intend to pursue a life together after our divorces are final but neither will be until at least the end of the year.. So we are together but not.. We don't go on public 'dates' although maybe a walk together sometimes.. But we really only meet privately or if we can meet in a near by city. It's been very slow so far.. Not saying it's been completely unphysical but close. We do a lot of hand holding and making out. Sounds stupid maybe but I just really needed to be alone for a while since I never had been. He's been very supportive and we talk about every single detail because we have been been left pretty messed up in the head about things.. We obviously have huge trust issues and at first we suspicious of each other for the obvious reasons. But I have never felt more safe or comfortable in someone's presence in my life now.

 

I meet in mediation with my husband once a week, we have a few times, and have a few more sessions, and I meet with a therapist on my own a few times a month when I can, only have been very serious about it the last couple months but I think Im learning to be honest with myself.

 

I really regret hurting everyone I hurt.

But it's still hard for me to regret things now because I really think we were made for each other.

 

I just wish it had happened a different way.

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It sounds like you're making the best of an awful situation.

 

It will get better. Step by step.

 

Good luck!

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His wife wants to be your friend??

 

Yes she does, it's really confusing for me too especially at first. I already had huge trust issues ( I see the irony) and it just seemed so out there and surreal I thought she was trying to trick me or something I don't even have words for his I felt I guess it was just so opposite of what I had expected.h

She's been angry too and voiced that to me but mostly she is dead set on rebuilding our friendship with him out of the picture. She now lives three hours away so it's not like she wants what we used to have, which was daily contact and just attached at the hip.. But she still posts things on my social media.. After requesting I unblock her from everything, she tags me in old pictures, says merry Christmas, happy birthday and still send me funny things she sees that she'll think I like..

She will call about once a week, sometimes I answer sometimes I can't bring myself too. She texts often.

 

I know she just wants what we had before back but it was based on so many lies.. I know it's my fault and I did truly care about her but but I can't even look her in the face without feeling nauseous. I lied to her face a year and even if she thinks she can get past it, I can't. She is convinced he made me do it, talked me into it, I have told her that's not true but she really feels like it was mostly on him. Believes I'm protecting him.

 

I don't really know what to do. I am very anxious about it because I don't want to hurt her more than I already have

Edited by rae_lana
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Speakingofwhich

Am very surprised his wife wants to be your friend and am surprised you and he are doing so well. I'm sorry for your H and his W but glad the two of you are good with each other.

 

I hope your H and his W find someone each to love and be with.

 

Really appreciate the update.

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It sounds like you're making the best of an awful situation.

 

It will get better. Step by step.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you I'm really trying.

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Am very surprised his wife wants to be your friend and am surprised you and he are doing so well. I'm sorry for your H and his W but glad the two of you are good with each other.

 

I hope your H and his W find someone each to love and be with.

 

Really appreciate the update.

 

I want nothing more than for all of us to find real happiness with no more lies. I wouldn't say me and my husband are doing well .. But better at least! If you meant my other man.. We only see each other in person like once a week.. We live 5 minutes apart but we need to take it really slow and in a totally different direction than before when we saw each other every day.

 

And I don't really know if she truly wants me back in her life or if she more wants me to 'choose her' over him and then cut ties with me. That's what he thinks she's doing.. I just don't know. She seems genuine. I think she's hurt and confused and I keep expecting her to change her mind.

 

She obviously doesn't want me if I'm with him.. And I intend to be with him when our divorces are final.

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Speakingofwhich
I want nothing more than for all of us to find real happiness with no more lies. I wouldn't say me and my husband are doing well .. But better at least! If you meant my other man.. We only see each other in person like once a week.. We live 5 minutes apart but we need to take it really slow and in a totally different direction than before when we saw each other every day.

 

And I don't really know if she truly wants me back in her life or if she more wants me to 'choose her' over him and then cut ties with me. That's what he thinks she's doing.. I just don't know. She seems genuine. I think she's hurt and confused and I keep expecting her to change her mind.

 

She obviously doesn't want me if I'm with him.. And I intend to be with him when our divorces are final.

 

I'm no therapist but I would think it wise for you and her to distance yourselves from each other (as you have chosen to do) unless you get counseling even if you weren't going to be with him. Since you are going to be with him, good that you are not going back into a R with her.

 

I hope she gets counseling. She needs it no matter what but to me her desire to be close to you is indicative of a very great need for professional help.

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IfWishesWereHorses

I think you need to be very honest with her and share your intentions. It will do you both a world of good in the long run.

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I think you need to be very honest with her and share your intentions. It will do you both a world of good in the long run.

 

I agree...

 

Rae, she was your friend, a very close friend who you betrayed in the worst way. I know it is an ugly situation and hard, but dont mislead her again. Make your intentions known.

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whichwayisup
I think you need to be very honest with her and share your intentions. It will do you both a world of good in the long run.

 

I agree 100%. Be honest with her, that you've chosen her husband over your friendship with her. You two have no friendship and there's no trust. Her wanting you to choose her is just..Weird. Maybe there was a friendship before the A between you two, but now it would be dishonest.

 

And, be honest with your (ex) husband too. He needs to know (and has the right to know) that you and MM are going to be together after the D's are final.

 

As for the kids, don't bring them into all this quickly, do family counseling and prepare them for what life is going to be like without their dad daily in their lives. I hope he eventually has shared custody with you.

 

Kids don't need 'step dad'/family friend in their lives asap once the D is final.

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I don't really know what to do. I am very anxious about it because I don't want to hurt her more than I already have

 

If you don't want to hurt your former friend more than you have, then you need to be honest with her about your intent to be with her husband and your continuing contact. If you ever end up with her H, then it will come out anyway, and she can then start to heal. But she could be starting to heal now if she knew the real situation and what the final endgame is for you and her husband. She seems to be trying to salvage what she can out of two broken, dishonest Rs, but you know the truth - that they are continuing to be dishonest Rs. If you enlighten her, she can begin to face that reality.

 

On the other hand, her feelings and future may not be a priority for you and the continuing deception may serve your own needs better, giving you a bit more peace in the current turmoil and letting you focus on ending up with MM.

 

You could look at the current time as a time to put your R with MM on the kind of footing you would like it to have in the future and decide whether that is one of openness or honesty.

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I'm sorry if I was confusing.

Both my husband and her know that we intend to be together. We have however kept it very slow and quiet from the rest of the town and my kids. But our spouses were made aware of the full extent of everything within the first month.. They are well aware we plan to be together when that divorces are final.

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I'm sorry if I was confusing.

Both my husband and her know that we intend to be together. We have however kept it very slow and quiet from the rest of the town and my kids. But our spouses were made aware of the full extent of everything within the first month.. They are well aware we plan to be together when that divorces are final.

 

Just wanted to make the observation that while this was in no way an optimal situation...seems to me that once things came out into the open, you've done the best you can to do the right things.

 

Being honest and open with the soon-to-be-exes and focusing on the kids is the best you can do here.

 

I have to give you credit...you 'get it'....and you're trying to do things the right way.

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I want nothing more than for all of us to find real happiness with no more lies.

 

It's a fine sentiment, but not realistic for your friend in the short-term. I know it would help you to know that your friend will be ok. She may not though. Time to cut ties and let her figure it out for herself.

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Speakingofwhich
She still wants me to leave him alone and basically choose her over him which I don't know how to respond with. She says I owe it to her, she doesn't want to lose me so I need to stay away from him and stay her friend.

 

I took this to mean she understands you are with him and is trying to change your mind to choose her instead.

 

Does she continue to contact you? If so, is there any way you can convince her to get professional help? I'm not talking about befriending her and trying to convince her. I'm speaking of letting her know that it wouldn't be fair to her to try to be her friend but that you believe that all of you could benefit from getting professional help to get through this trial.

 

All of you have been through a traumatic and confusing time in your lives.

 

There surely are issues to deal with that you haven't thought of yet. Why not get in there and head them off as much as is possible by having someone who has experience in helping folks navigate difficult R issues work with you?

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... She still wants me to leave him alone and basically choose her over him which I don't know how to respond with. She says I owe it to her, she doesn't want to lose me so I need to stay away from him and stay her friend.. Realistically I can't ever see comfortably being her friend of course after what I did.. What I put her through I just won't forgive myself and be able to do that if that makes sense.

 

...

 

...maybe that's her plan. Because for as long you are with her and not her husband you will always be miserable...

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Sometimes when she contacts me it's like she pretends the whole thing never happened and she asks mr about my day or tells me about hers. Other times she bashes him, or asks me questions about everything.

 

She has called him and yelled, told him he took me from her.. Opposite of what I thought would happen, however, he had cheated before so she thinks this was mostly his doing, and that he chose me specifically to hurt her.

 

It's been messed up. I got to his house one day and he was on the phone and he just put his hand up to let me know to be quiet. It was her and I could hear her on the other end, sounding so angry. He mostly listened for twenty minutes or so and then was trying to respond but she hung up. I would say she's angry at him, and hurt by me. I don't get much anger aimed my way, I get tears or avoidence where she talks to me like this never happened.

 

I'm sure she must not be thinking straight but it's been 6 months, I thought by now she would hate me. If she does she's pretending she doesn't.

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Since you two were good friends, I would assume that there are other shared friends in your circle, or at least other friends of hers that you know. What's the dynamic there? Has she confided in anyone else?

 

Also, do you have any concerns about the OM cheating on you? Seeing as how he's done it before and did it here.

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IfWishesWereHorses

 

She has called him and yelled, told him he took me from her.. Opposite of what I thought would happen, however, he had cheated before so she thinks this was mostly his doing, and that he chose me specifically to hurt her.

 

I wonder if there might not be some truth in that.

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I wonder if there might not be some truth in that.

 

I've wondered if both of us were subconsciously doing that too. Each to out own spouses but I really don't believe we did. We both tried to bury the feelings for a long time and really didn't want it to end with them in pain.

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Since you two were good friends, I would assume that there are other shared friends in your circle, or at least other friends of hers that you know. What's the dynamic there? Has she confided in anyone else?

 

Also, do you have any concerns about the OM cheating on you? Seeing as how he's done it before and did it here.

 

She has other friends, none that she was as attached to or as close to as me and same goes for me.

 

She moved back to her home town .. Three hours away, but says that nobody she has talked to understand how she feels about it and yes, they have all told her to hate me.

 

As for fears he'll cheat on me.. No not really a fear. I wouldn't call it that. We both were really confused at first about how we could trust one another now but honestly, we talk about everything and we both feel the same about sex and love and being loyal. We both felt trapped and unable to talk about how we felt without fearing judgment before.. There is no fear of judgment anymore. So it's really really easy to talk to each other.

Edited by rae_lana
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2 as of yet unsuggested possibilities:

 

1. She wants to keep you in her life in order to punish you (I'm sure she'd find ways to do it covertly) and her husband.

 

2. She is secretly in love with you. I'm not making a joke..it's possible..

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2 as of yet unsuggested possibilities:

 

1. She wants to keep you in her life in order to punish you (I'm sure she'd find ways to do it covertly) and her husband.

 

2. She is secretly in love with you. I'm not making a joke..it's possible..

 

Sometimes people here hit the nail on the head. Her husband is convinced it's both of these reasons.

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